Date #2 update...and a few flags were raised. Sigh

[redredwine]

*poof*

[gozf]

You were pretty clear that this was a deal breaker for you in the thread over the weekend.

[doriswe]

You don't want it to work and are seeing red (and yellow) flags in things that probably aren't. Do him a favor and cut him loose.

[dakotadangerdog]

Hmmmm really the divorce stuff does seem pretty recent, that would give me more pause than the drinking. 3 years sober is a good amount of time, and since you know about his situation I don't think you would tempt him to drink. if the even was too boozy for him, he could just not go. Doesn't really sound like a big deal to me. And the longer he stays in AA, the better. It's good for people to have someone who understands what they've gone through there to support them.

[Deleted]

I'd say that if you are having fun and enjoying it, maybe this is something that was a dealbreaker, but isn't with the right person. Like some recent people who have had "short guy" revelations. I'd continue to date him a bit and see how it goes.

As far as AA my ex was an alcoholic and he went to AA, he didn't drink for a year and then had a total relapse. One of my girlfriends husband's was sober 4 years and recently relapsed as well. I'm not saying this guy will, and it's good he's still in AA. Just giving you my experiences.

[Deleted]

Dec 10, 2012 12:47:42 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

I could not date someone who clearly had addiction issues. I know there are great people who are in AA, but that kind of addiction is a deal breaker for me. Period.

Also I agree with this. Having the booze and pot lends me to believe he may have an addictive personality. My exh had this. So once he stopped drinking I discovered he found other things to fill his addiction, gambling, porn, hookers. I'm not saying this guy is the same way, but it's something to keep an eye out for.

Did he just go to AA or do any counseling?

[redredwine]

Dec 10, 2012 12:51:16 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Dec 10, 2012 12:47:42 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

I could not date someone who clearly had addiction issues. I know there are great people who are in AA, but that kind of addiction is a deal breaker for me. Period.

Also I agree with this. Having the booze and pot lends me to believe he may have an addictive personality. My exh had this. So once he stopped drinking I discovered he found other things to fill his addiction, gambling, porn, hookers. I'm not saying this guy is the same way, but it's something to keep an eye out for.

Did he just go to AA or do any counseling?

I did express my concerned about addiction= addictive personality. We talked about it quite a bit.

He did both. He's gone to counseling on/off since then, and tried couples counseling with his ex.

[Deleted]

For me personally that would be too much to deal with. Addiction is not good, and although he's gotten help its something he will always battle with. Especially because for you (and me and many others) alcohol is just a normal part of life whether it be celebrating with cocktails on a holiday or having wine with your family at dinner. Sounds like you should cut him loose.

[Deleted]

Dec 10, 2012 12:53:25 GMT -5 redredwine said:

I did express my concerned about addiction= addictive personality. We talked about it quite a bit.

He did both. He's gone to counseling on/off since then, and tried couples counseling with his ex.

What did he say about the addictive personality part?

[achase123]

I'm not sure where I'd stand on this one. Is it possible the insane chemistry is making you want to make it work, even though there are issues you normally wouldn't be cool with?

[gozf]

Ok, It get it now.

Non drinking = not cool.
AA = not cool.

Champagne and caviar = required.

Can we please move on now?

[Deleted]

Dec 10, 2012 13:11:45 GMT -5 gozf said:

Ok, It get it now.

Non drinking = not cool.
AA = not cool.

Champagne and caviar = required.

Can we please move on now?

Why are you being so judgy? Dating someone with past addiction issues can be a lot to take on (I've been there and it was awful) and I don't think it's something anyone should enter into lightly. I think RedRedWine is being thoughtful about this.

And where the hell did anyone say anything about champagne and caviar?

[gozf]

I'm allowed to judge because it's my personal preference, something to which I'm entitled. I learned that from these threads.

[gozf]

To clarify, I understand being hesitant to date someone with addiction issues. There's a chance he might relapse. But there's a chance he won't. Frankly, I far better understand someone who views addiction as a dealbreaker than someone who casually chooses to abstain from drinking alcohol.

Champagne and caviar came from another thread on this topic, where someone was waxing poetic on their wine pairings and how it simply wouldn't do to have a partner not share in that experience. I understand liking what you like, but it all sounded very upper-crusty and fancy-schmance, and it made me giggle.

[Deleted]

My dad was an alcoholic. 20 years sober with 2-3 incidents over those years. He fell off the wagon 6 yrs ago and eventually his drinking contributed to his stroke(s) and eventual death from complications. From my personal experiences I cannot date addicts of any sorts.

If it doesn't feel right, don't do it.

[oracle]

My FI is in AA and just had his 11th sober anniversary. Every addiction you could imagine, and he was very upfront about it. Obviously not a deal-breaker for me. Personally speaking, if you're already feeling the way you are, you need to do what dorswe said and cut him loose. It's clearly an issue to you and if he was honest enough to tell you--albeit not the timing he intended, I'm sure--you need to be honest with him and let it go now.

Not every addict relapses, but if they have people around them that judge them and are not 100% supportive, it's not an easy road. (Not saying you need to not judge or you must understand his past, but if you are having issues with it now, you will probably continue to have issues with it. Just cut him loose.)

I know no one is saying this, but I just have to say: not every former addict is a bad person or will relapse. They made bad choices and are on the road to making the right ones. Not every person wants to deal with that in a potential mate, so if you don't want to, be honest about it right away so neither of you get in over your heads.

[winecat]

Dec 10, 2012 13:23:54 GMT -5 gozf said:

To clarify, I understand being hesitant to date someone with addiction issues. There's a chance he might relapse. But there's a chance he won't. Frankly, I far better understand someone who views addiction as a dealbreaker than someone who casually chooses to abstain from drinking alcohol.

Champagne and caviar came from another thread on this topic, where someone was waxing poetic on their wine pairings and how it simply wouldn't do to have a partner not share in that experience. I understand liking what you like, but it all sounded very upper-crusty and fancy-schmance, and it made me giggle.

If only you knew me, it would make you giggle even more. I'm so not fancy or upper-crusty. It's just something I love.

[kaneen]

Dec 10, 2012 13:23:54 GMT -5 gozf said:

To clarify, I understand being hesitant to date someone with addiction issues. There's a chance he might relapse. But there's a chance he won't. Frankly, I far better understand someone who views addiction as a dealbreaker than someone who casually chooses to abstain from drinking alcohol.

Champagne and caviar came from another thread on this topic, where someone was waxing poetic on their wine pairings and how it simply wouldn't do to have a partner not share in that experience. I understand liking what you like, but it all sounded very upper-crusty and fancy-schmance, and it made me giggle.

It's entirely possible they were talking about pairing sketties with Franzia. That's not upper-crusty. That be crusty.

[Deleted]

Dec 10, 2012 13:49:15 GMT -5 kaneen said:

Dec 10, 2012 13:23:54 GMT -5 gozf said:

To clarify, I understand being hesitant to date someone with addiction issues. There's a chance he might relapse. But there's a chance he won't. Frankly, I far better understand someone who views addiction as a dealbreaker than someone who casually chooses to abstain from drinking alcohol.

Champagne and caviar came from another thread on this topic, where someone was waxing poetic on their wine pairings and how it simply wouldn't do to have a partner not share in that experience. I understand liking what you like, but it all sounded very upper-crusty and fancy-schmance, and it made me giggle.

It's entirely possible they were talking about pairing sketties with Franzia. That's not upper-crusty. That be crusty.

Bwahahahahaha!!!! This makes me laugh, especially because my work just talked about having a cereal and wine tasting.

[jojoandleo]

My dad is an alcoholic and I would be VERY hesitant to date someone with past addiction issues. I am not saying automatic deal breaker (expecially being sober for 3 years), but it would be a "proceed with caution". I spent too much of my life trying to get my father sober to do it again.

[jojoandleo]

Dec 10, 2012 13:14:48 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Dec 10, 2012 13:11:45 GMT -5 gozf said:

Ok, It get it now.

Non drinking = not cool.
AA = not cool.

Champagne and caviar = required.

Can we please move on now?

Why are you being so judgy? Dating someone with past addiction issues can be a lot to take on (I've been there and it was awful) and I don't think it's something anyone should enter into lightly. I think RedRedWine is being thoughtful about this.

And where the hell did anyone say anything about champagne and caviar?

Dude, it's GBCN, we judge. The only taboo judgments are the ones based on ethnicity and social status. We can judge people for being too short, having a small peen, and their dealbreakers. It's who we are as a board.

[Deleted]

Dec 10, 2012 14:19:57 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Dude, it's GBCN, we judge. The only taboo judgments are the ones based on ethnicity and social status. We can judge people for being too short, having a small peen, and their dealbreakers. It's who we are as a board.

Trust me I know. I think the word I was looking for was harsh.

[gozf]

Dec 10, 2012 14:22:44 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Dec 10, 2012 14:19:57 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Dude, it's GBCN, we judge. The only taboo judgments are the ones based on ethnicity and social status. We can judge people for being too short, having a small peen, and their dealbreakers. It's who we are as a board.

Trust me I know. I think the word I was looking for was harsh.

And I think it's harsh to write someone off simply because he won't have a drink at happy hour (--a happy hour that he's willing to attend and won't begrudge, mind you), if he seems to be an otherwise good person.

[Deleted]

Dec 10, 2012 14:25:02 GMT -5 gozf said:

Dec 10, 2012 14:22:44 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Trust me I know. I think the word I was looking for was harsh.

And I think it's harsh to write someone off simply because he won't have a drink at happy hour (--a happy hour that he's willing to attend and won't begrudge, mind you), if he seems to be an otherwise good person.

I guess my point was she didn't write him off. She came here to get opinions.

I'm just frustrated that it isn't okay for people to have dealbreakers (unless they are way obvious like abuse) or things they don't want in a relationship and that we can't as a board be okay with that. Everyone is looking for something different in a relationship. Sure this issue isn't a big deal for you, personally, cool. I'd never write someone off for being short, but for some people that's a really big deal. If they just can't get attracted to a short person that's fine. It's their deal.

[doriswe]

Dec 10, 2012 14:29:48 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Dec 10, 2012 14:25:02 GMT -5 gozf said:

And I think it's harsh to write someone off simply because he won't have a drink at happy hour (--a happy hour that he's willing to attend and won't begrudge, mind you), if he seems to be an otherwise good person.

I guess my point was she didn't write him off. She came here to get opinions.

I'm just frustrated that it isn't okay for people to have dealbreakers (unless they are way obvious like abuse) or things they don't want in a relationship and that we can't as a board be okay with that. Everyone is looking for something different in a relationship. Sure this issue isn't a big deal for you, personally, cool. I'd never write someone off for being short, but for some people that's a really big deal. If they just can't get attracted to a short person that's fine. It's their deal.

I think the issue isn't people having deal breakers, it's more about coming here to get the pat on the head confirming it. If it's a deal breaker for you, you shouldn't need verification from others to end things.

[Deleted]

Dec 10, 2012 14:33:48 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I think the issue isn't people having deal breakers, it's more about coming here to get the pat on the head confirming it. If it's a deal breaker for you, you shouldn't need verification from others to end things.

That makes sense. I'm sure I look like a "pat on the head" type of person, but really I just need to talk it out. In my thread you ladies were very helpful!

[redredwine]

Sorry all-meant to jump in but was unavailable for a few hours.
*Poof*

[karmasabiotch]

My sister is a recovering alcoholic and is on dating websites. She said she can usually always tell if someone is/was in recovery because for drinking they put no as opposed to putting down social drinking. She said it's almost a secret code for other people in AA.

[redredwine]

Dec 10, 2012 16:39:37 GMT -5 karmasabiotch said:

My sister is a recovering alcoholic and is on dating websites. She said she can usually always tell if someone is/was in recovery because for drinking they put no as opposed to putting down social drinking. She said it's almost a secret code for other people in AA.

Interesting! Because guess that was true in this case.

Can I ask you how her experience has been online dating, if you don't mind me asking?

[stephbfan]

He said that he didnt hit rock bottom before seeking help so I think that says a lot about him.

Would I write him off? I dont know but if it doesnt sit well with you then dont date him anymore. because this is something that bothers YOU. Stop trying to explain yourself to the board.