Opinions wanted. Am I being over sensitive?

[mskitkat]

I work in a very male-dominated industry. It's the kind where the assumption is I'm either an admin or the wife of whatever man I happen to be standing next to. As a result, I know I'm very defensive about anything gender related. Also, I'm the youngest member of our team by about 20 years. Not kidding.

During a long-term planning meeting with my entire team including our boss, a cw made a comment about everyone needing to train on something only I know how to do for when I need 3 months off. It was very clear he was implying that he thinks I am/should get pregnant soon. He comments all the time about how he can't wait to see what my children will look like (will be mixed race), even though I tell him I have no plans for children in the near future. It's annoying in private, but I was really offended he brought it up during a team meeting.

I brought it up to my boss who pretty much treated it as "well, that's who this guy is, but I'll talk to him."

Same cw has also joked to me and other cw (thankfully nowhere near our boss) that the boss and I come in at the same time each morning so of course I know the boss's schedule - strongly implying I'm sleeping with our boss.

Would you be uncomfortable at the planned state of your uterus being brought up during a team meeting? Or am I making too much of it?

[Deleted]

I would be annoyed, but honestly I'm not sure I'd ever be treated this way because I'm widely known as a baby hater.

You do not deserve this treatment. Period.

However, you should evaluate yourself. Could your behavior or general demeanor bring about such commentary? What could you change to diminish this?

Again, these people are in the wrong, but, unless you get another job, you can't change these people. You can only change yourself.

[Deleted]

I really don't think guys in general, especially of an older generation A) See it as discussing your reproductive organs, only your assumed future and B) Think there is anything wrong with classifying you as they see every other woman. Is it annoying? Yes. Offensive? Sometimes. Intentionally meant to insult or offend you? Highly doubt it.

[mskitkat]

I got married in June, which is what started this nonsense. Normally I let this stuff roll off (I am jealous of people that can out-dick jerks, but I suck at it), but this one really bothered me. More than the cw who asked why I had a man's job instead of staying home making babies or having a more female-appropriate job like teaching or nursing.

[Deleted]

And they didn't treat you this way before you got married?

Sorry, but I don't believe it.

[dawnyp]

I work in a male dominated environment and until recently my entire team was all male. This is unacceptable and he is being a jerk. Tell him to knock it off or go to HR.

[Deleted]

I would be really upset about the 3 months/cross training comment. I think it undermines you and gives the impression that you'll be taking time off and they can't rely on you to always be there. I hope you said something along the lines of "to be clear, I have no plans of this being a concern anytime soon. I am happy to cross train someone anyway but there should be no expectation that I'll be going anywhere".

I mean the guy might be known as a dick, and maybe everyone already knows he's full of shit. But if not, they might think he knows something they don't or that you'd indicated somehow you'll be taking off or whatever.

[Deleted]

Grrrrrr.

You are not overly sensitive.

[Deleted]

As someone that works on a team dominated by men 30 years my senior, you need to get some balls and speak up in the moment and call him on his bullshit, or you need to get used to being treated this way. Going via the boss will not work - you have to smack him down, publicly, repeatedly.

Or you need to take it. Anything else is whining without any hope of change. I'd probably make snide comments about him cross-training his job for when his old ass retires, but that's the dynamic of my team.

[dexteroni]

Jan 8, 2013 20:04:27 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

As someone that works on a team dominated by men 30 years my senior, you need to get some balls and speak up in the moment and call him on his bullshit, or you need to get used to being treated this way. Going via the boss will not work - you have to smack him down, publicly, repeatedly.

I also spent over a decade in an older-male dominated company and industry. Unfortunately, this is the only way to handle it effectively. Once he knows you won't take his shit and you aren't afraid to embarrass him in front of everyone, I bet the commentary will stop. Sorry you're dealing with this.

[mskitkat]

Jan 8, 2013 20:04:27 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

As someone that works on a team dominated by men 30 years my senior, you need to get some balls and speak up in the moment and call him on his bullshit, or you need to get used to being treated this way. Going via the boss will not work - you have to smack him down, publicly, repeatedly.

Or you need to take it. Anything else is whining without any hope of change. I'd probably make snide comments about him cross-training his job for when his old ass retires, but that's the dynamic of my team.

Dammit, that's what I should have said.

I think you're correct that this is what I need to learn to do, but short of taking shots before a meeting, I fail at it so hard. I tend more towards "deer in headlights" reaction.

[mskitkat]

Jan 8, 2013 20:00:11 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

And they didn't treat you this way before you got married?

Sorry, but I don't believe it.

Oh, he's always been a jerk, but the baby crap is new since the wedding. He has never said anything in front of our boss before, though. It's the in front of the boss that I'm really irritated by.

[niq]

On the scale of awful things someone could say that is bad but there is obviously much worse. Still you should not have to put up with it. After all, both parents get to take FMLA leave >.<

Are there peers of yours, this guy, or senior employees who would be your ally if you confronted him in person, so that it's not you against the room?

If your company is large enough you should go to hr or lodge a complaint through the anonymous workplace discrimination/harassment hotline.

Via mobile doohickey

[pamela]

The 3 month thing wouldn't bother me and I'd actual be happy they thought I did something none of them were currently able to and they were trying to actually advance plan.

I also work in an old male dominated field and I agree you have to learn to speak up against it in the moment or get over it. It's taken me 8 years, but I think I've finally gotten to that point and am being generally respected where as some of my coworkers still have an issue because they won't deal with it.

[steph96]

Tokenhoser is correct. I know it can be difficult to stand up for yourself in situations like this.

If you are anything like me, he will say something to you on a bad day and you will just let it all loose.

At one of my old jobs, the boys I worked with always tried to pull crap over on me (seating me the regulars who barely tipped, seating me every single table right before closing, etc). One day I finally had enough and literally had a screaming match with them. After that it all ended and they were nice.

[6fsn]

Yes he is wrong, but I agree you need to put the smackdown on. You know the baby comments are his thing now so have a come back ready. Something along the lines that you don't discuss his reproduction so he needs to stop discussing yours.

I know exactly how your work environment and I needed to smack down quite a few.

[kadams767]

I probably would have blurted out that I was infertile to make him uncomfortable, but I freely admit to being a complete asshole.

[redheadk]

Perhaps you can suggest that the team cross train on something of his fir when he's out for prostate cancer treatment since that is common for men his age.

Asshole.

[flygirl22]

I have had people, on multiple occasions, call me out in meetings about being "next in line". Clearly referring to having a child. Never in a cross-training capacity though. I'm not insulted by it, I just kind of laugh it off but my group is all about having the babies so I know they are not trying to insult me. I've been married for 3 years, and yes, it's been happing since then.

Maybe I shouldn't put up with it but I just don't care all that much.

[drloretta]

Jan 8, 2013 20:04:27 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

As someone that works on a team dominated by men 30 years my senior, you need to get some balls and speak up in the moment and call him on his bullshit, or you need to get used to being treated this way. Going via the boss will not work - you have to smack him down, publicly, repeatedly.

This. Word for word

[limey]

I've been the only young female in a group of old, white men before. Not all of them are assholes, but this guy is certainly being inappropriate.

I agree that you absolutely need to push back on him. Your boss shouldn't be blowing you off, though.

[Deleted]

Oh, I call the guys I work with the nicest assholes you'll ever meet. They'd help me move. They'll always help me out on a project. They've been good to work with, generally.

But they'll also just say the dumbest things and act like it's okay. And unless I tell them that you can't ask a pregnant woman how much she weighs, they'll just keep doing really socially inappropriate things. None of them has ever had a problem with me calling them on things they shouldn't say or opposing them in a professional capacity.

[dexteroni]

Jan 8, 2013 21:12:17 GMT -5 flygirl22 said:

I have had people, on multiple occasions, call me out in meetings about being "next in line". Clearly referring to having a child. Never in a cross-training capacity though. I'm not insulted by it, I just kind of laugh it off but my group is all about having the babies so I know they are not trying to insult me. I've been married for 3 years, and yes, it's been happing since then.

Maybe I shouldn't put up with it but I just don't care all that much.

While I'm sure this is annoying, and it's still inappropriate, it's rather different from what the OP is experiencing. Your comments are coming from a well-meaning group of baby-crazy ladies, not sexist, racist, ageist old white men.

[mskitkat]

lol, Token that's definitely them. The guy is legit excited to see whether my kids favor my genetics or H's, since he and my MiL are from the same country. He just does not even remotely understand you can't say that. He would comment on my weight, too.

I think I am more sensitive than normal right now because we are going through "restructuring," and I'm mildly stressed about how the bosses are perceiving me while they are making decisions. I've calmed down reading everyone's replies.

[imojoebunny]

Yes the guy is a douche canoe. You are absolutely right to think he is inappropriate, BUT...

I would get over it. What will they really do? Send goof pup to diversity training? I worked with men my entire career. My last boss was from Nigeria, he was from a family where his father had 4 wives and 27 children. I had two choices, make a big deal about his feelings about women, or get promoted. I chose get promoted. Same thing at the previous company I worked at, I worked with a guy who called his baby daughter "The Bitch Pup". You don't want to know what he called his wife, but it involved Tampons. He had been to diversity training 3 times. I traveled with them, there were a group of them, and about 8:30 every night, they would all say they were really tired and wanted to hit the hay. 20 minutes later, as I was sitting in the bar, I would see them all come down and head for the strip club having successfully ditched the one girl in their team.

All you can do is bust on them right back and kick their butts with your work, which isn't hard to do when they are at the strip club until 3am, and you present at 9am.

[limey]

Jan 8, 2013 22:38:21 GMT -5 imojoebunny said:

I would get over it. What will they really do?

They can tell him to STFU.

I've gone to HR before because I was being harassed by another employee and you'd damn well better believe he knocked this chauvinistic shit off after they sat him down.

[bunnysmom]

Honestly, I'd be more annoyed at the racist comments than the baby comments. Wondering how your kids will look? totally inappropiate...

DH works in a male environment and I can't believe the things he tells me that his coworkers say/do to the few women working there, so you have my full sympathy.

[imojoebunny]

Jan 8, 2013 22:45:05 GMT -5 limey said:

Jan 8, 2013 22:38:21 GMT -5 imojoebunny said:

I would get over it. What will they really do?

They can tell him to STFU.

I've gone to HR before because I was being harassed by another employee and you'd damn well better believe he knocked this chauvinistic shit off after they sat him down.

Project much? The guy did not grab her ass, harass her endlessly, or make an off color comment about her, he just mentioned prematurely and without cause that she was of a fertile age and could spontaneously combust as soon as the sperm hit the egg, which I am pretty sure, even the most dense coworker knows is moronic. If anything, he looked like the fool among his coworkers.

[chia]

I think you need to give the d-bag a taste of his own medicine.

Almost 10 years ago, I was leading a high profile project at work. There was a situation where everyone in the meeting had to write their birthdate on a list that was passed around. After several backhanded comments here and there, one of the bitchy older ladies gasped after looking at the list, and said to everyone "OMG, she's so YOUNG she could be my daughter!" (in a very mean tone.) To which I replied "OMG, you're so OLD you could be my GRANDMA!"

She never said anything to me about my age again.

[Deleted]

His delivery definitely sucks, but I can kind of see his issue...if you are the only one that can do a task, that is a legitimate concern.