Speaking of numbers of partners...

[Deleted]

Settle a long-standing debate between a friend and me?

I don't know how many girls he's slept with at this point, but as of maybe 5 years ago it was in the 80s. So presumably more than 100 by now.

I've asked him if he thinks that might be an impediment for some girls he might want to seriously date. He says that he'd never tell his wife a number anyway, so she'd never know. But I thought that maybe a wife would want some indication of quantum (like if it is fewer than 10 versus fewer than 25 versus fewer than 50 versus fewer than 1000, or whatever)

Thoughts? Would you seriously date/marry a guy that you knew or suspected had had that many partners? For those who have husbands who had more than a small number of partners, do you have a very rough idea of how many partners your husband has had?

He's 34, if that factors in.

[countthestars]

Honestly, I don't think I could marry someone who has slept with that many women.

But I have a few friends who wouldn't care.

[rikki]

100... wow... I feel MUCH better about my number.

I tend to not want to know about these types of things in general. I've never asked anyone I've dated since college. I think that no good can come from a conversation like that (at least at this age/stage of my life). I think I would be super paranoid about why he had so many, was he a sex addict (is this even a real thing?), why he didn't settle down, was he comparing me to past experience, etc.

[Muddled]

At this age, it is something that I would choose not to talk about. Who knows what number I would be up to by now if I hadn't met H.

I think I would have a clue, though, because I would want to talk about former long-term relationships to some extent and I'm guessing he has none.

[soozy87]

No, that is gross. But I don't think I would have given a second thought to even dating someone like that. If he has morals like that he is not my type.

[cilantro]

That alone wouldn't make me concerned (if he started at 15, that's about 5 a year). I'd be most concerned if he's never had a long term relationship, and those numbers might indicate that.

[Deleted]

Jan 11, 2013 10:35:12 GMT -5 Muddled said:

I think I would have a clue, though, because I would want to talk about former long-term relationships to some extent and I'm guessing he has none.

2 several year relationships that I know of, and he's had 2 maybe 6 month one relationships recently.

I think a lot of it comes from insecurity, and the girls he sets his sights on (ones who are naive and will be highly impressed that he's a lawyer) are not the ones that will ultimately make him happy... but that's a whole 'nother can of worms.

[mbcdefg]

No, I wouldn't date a guy who'd slept with that many women.

Mainly because I'd feel like he wasn't exactly being picky if he'd had that many partners, and I'd always wonder if I was really special to him or just another notch in the bedpost.

[gumi]

The number itself doesn't bother me. But I know a few sex addicts and they cannot commit to one woman (one of my best friends has destroyed his life through infidelity and yet he still just cannot stop. It is a real addiction).

So, it depends on if he needs to have many sex partners, or if he simply has a hard time finding relationships. And if that is the case, it would depend on why he has a hard time.

[Deleted]

I can't say for sure, but as long as he was clean and committed to me, and otherwise met my pretty high standards, I probably would be ok with this.

If he started having sex at 18 and is now 34, thats an average of 6.25 a year. High, but not obscenely so. And less if he was younger when he started having sex.

I'd be more worried that he wouldn't remain committed more than anything.

[mbcdefg]

Is your friend Barney Stinson?

[Deleted]

I could be okay with this, but I'd totally want to pick him apart, psychologically, and figure out why he had that many. After a certain point, for me anyways, I knew guys who were 1.) good in bed and 2.) enjoyed no strings attached intercourse. I'd wonder why, out of 100 women, he hadn't found the same. Or if he did it for the thrill, or if he had a fetish about always having a "new" woman on the regular, or if he had some kind of bucket list of women he had to bang. It would just make me wonder about some things.

[karinothing]

I have no idea how many partners H has had, and I am sure he has no clue how many I have (although I am pretty sure I have had more partners than him and I think he knows that). I really don't care.

I don't think I have ever asked a partner how many people they slept with previously, I guess it just never occurs to me.

[gumi]

Jan 11, 2013 10:38:41 GMT -5 v said:

Jan 11, 2013 10:35:12 GMT -5 Muddled said:

I think I would have a clue, though, because I would want to talk about former long-term relationships to some extent and I'm guessing he has none.

2 several year relationships that I know of, and he's had 2 maybe 6 month one relationships recently.

I think a lot of it comes from insecurity, and the girls he sets his sights on (ones who are naive and will be highly impressed that he's a lawyer) are not the ones that will ultimately make him happy... but that's a whole 'nother can of worms.

My best friend is similar (just replace lawyer with wealthy business owner). But the thing is when he does find a girl who matches him (age appropriate, successful in her own right) he doesn't stay satisfied. He needs someone to need him - but of course these are not the same girls that satisfy him in other ways.

[rikki]

When broken out by age and number of partners per year it seems much less shocking.

[noodleoo]

Jan 11, 2013 10:37:08 GMT -5 soozy87 said:

No, that is gross. But I don't think I would have given a second thought to even dating someone like that. If he has morals like that he is not my type.

I agree with this. We'd have very diff values.

Do you think he'll ever settle down? I know someone like this and I actually think he'll never have a serious relationship even though he says he wants to. He's never dated anyone longer than about 3 months.

[Muddled]

Jan 11, 2013 10:45:58 GMT -5 rikki said:

When broken out by age and number of partners per year it seems much less shocking.

Until you learn that he has had a couple long term relationships. That knocks 4-6 years off the total.

Ultimately, I think his hangups will present themselves in other ways and I am not asking about the number of partners. These are things I don't want to know. If I did know, I could see myself being a little uncomfortable with it and having lots of internal fights over whether it mattered or not.

[yellowbrkrd]

Jan 11, 2013 10:41:58 GMT -5 @iheartcosmos said:

I can't say for sure, but as long as he was clean and committed to me, and otherwise met my pretty high standards, I probably would be ok with this.

If he started having sex at 18 and is now 34, thats an average of 6.25 a year. High, but not obscenely so. And less if he was younger when he started having sex.

I'd be more worried that he wouldn't remain committed more than anything.

When you break it down like that it doesn't seem so bad.

How soon would numbers come up in the relationship? If I was really into him I would probably be fine with it.

[chessie]

Wouldn't bother me at all. Thats something that was in the passed, and honestly wouldn't want to know all the people DH slept with.

[Deleted]

Jan 11, 2013 10:48:01 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

Jan 11, 2013 10:37:08 GMT -5 soozy87 said:

No, that is gross. But I don't think I would have given a second thought to even dating someone like that. If he has morals like that he is not my type.

I agree with this. We'd have very diff values.

Do you think he'll ever settle down? I know someone like this and I actually think he'll never have a serious relationship even though he says he wants to. He's never dated anyone longer than about 3 months.

He's been in relationships for at least 5 years of his post-college life. One was before I knew him, and the other one (which went on for 3 years) was a trainwreck.

I think he's a little Barney-esque. I found it funny when we went to a birthday party for a girl from our old firm last year, and there were maybe 30 people there (mostly former coworkers) and he was like "I've slept with 4 of the girls here."

I don't care what he does (although I'd like him to be happy, and I don't think he targets girls who will make him happy ultimately), but I can never figure out how I would feel if I met a guy and found out that he had that many partners. But I started dating my husband at 19, so... very different world from the last time I was on the market!

[sweetnsour]

My hubby and I have never discussed the number. No good can come from the conversation. Too low and you wonder if they are ready to settle, too high and they are a slut. It really doesn't matter as long as you are committed to each other.

[bunnysmom]

The number in itself wouldn't concern me, but the reasons behind that number. If he's emotionally healthy and truly ready to have a serious commitment, I wouldn't care. However, if he has slept with so many women due to mental issues or in order to resolve insecurities or if his inability to have a commitment is because he can't deal with other problems, then I would mind.

[Deleted]

Jan 11, 2013 10:54:48 GMT -5 v said:

Jan 11, 2013 10:48:01 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

I agree with this. We'd have very diff values.

Do you think he'll ever settle down? I know someone like this and I actually think he'll never have a serious relationship even though he says he wants to. He's never dated anyone longer than about 3 months.

I think he's a little Barney-esque. I found it funny when we went to a birthday party for a girl from our old firm last year, and there were maybe 30 people there (mostly former coworkers) and he was like "I've slept with 4 of the girls here."

See, that's the kind of thing that would bother me as the girlfriend of a guy that slept with so many people. I don't want every person in the room to know what sex is like with my significant other.

I would be happier if he had sex with 80 people on the other side of the country, so I never had to sit in a room with all of them at the same time. lol

[magdala9]

This sounds like a tv episode. Is it the number of partners or the amount of sex? Some people have only a few partners but have had a lot of sex and a lot of experimenting.

[Deleted]

Hmm. I honestly don't know, I think if he's in his mid 30's and hasn't settled down yet, I could see how that could happen. I stopped at 22 and still managed to sleep with 15 people, which to many guys may as well have been 100 (yay for double standards). I like to think that if I hadn't met DH at that point, I would have grown up a little and stopped being so "social" and slowed down... but who knows.

So I guess I'd judge 100 at age 35 far less than I would judge 100 at age 25. I would potentially wonder what was wrong with him if he'd never had a long term relationship at age 35 despite obviously having plenty of socialization with single women....

I don't remember what my DH's number was, I want to say more like 25? That didn't bother me much (I didn't feel I had much room to talk, esp since he got started a little earlier than me...).

[Deleted]

Jan 11, 2013 10:59:59 GMT -5 papiercherri said:

Jan 11, 2013 10:54:48 GMT -5 v said:

I think he's a little Barney-esque. I found it funny when we went to a birthday party for a girl from our old firm last year, and there were maybe 30 people there (mostly former coworkers) and he was like "I've slept with 4 of the girls here."

DH was good friends with a guy I slept with before him, lol. This guy was actually slated to stand up in our wedding! But sadly he passed away before our wedding so he didn't....

It's a little weird when you think about it, but it was really no big deal. I think it would have been weirder had we actually dated, but it was really very casual.

See, that's the kind of thing that would bother me as the girlfriend of a guy that slept with so many people. I don't want every person in the room to know what sex is like with my significant other.

I would be happier if he had sex with 80 people on the other side of the country, so I never had to sit in a room with all of them at the same time. lol

[cjeanette]

This fact alone would not be a factor. H was in the 50 range and it didn't bother me.

I think if anything the only question I would have if is any of those partners were him cheating on someone else. If he was single and safe then I don't care.

[Deleted]

It would bother me. DH's number is 13 and it squicks me out to think about it. We didn't get married until he was 31!

[Deleted]

I'd be kind of skeeved out to be honest.

I do have an idea of how many DH has had. We met when we were pretty young though 19/23. Do people who are dating in their thirties discuss this kind of thing? I'd have to assume you'd have a lot of partners by then if you were single the whole time. A hundred seems excessive to me though and indicative of being a player.

[Deleted]

I agree with bunnysmom; the number wouldn't bother me but I'd have serious reservations about the emotional health of a guy who could bounce around like that.