I don't think you necessarily have to get a divorce if you really love this guy and otherwise things are good. But if you do want to stay married, I think you have to have a serious discussion about money and lay out some ground rules. It's not fair to split everything 50/50 if you don't make equal amounts. I also think that you need to take some steps to protect yourself financially.
If you are going to stay married and keep your finances separate, you need some type of legal agreement that you aren't on the hook for any debt that he takes on (CC or otherwise) and vice versa. You would also need to think of your financial health as being completely separate from his. Start saving for your own retirement and don't think about or worry about what mistakes he might be making. For example, if he wants to cash out his 401k despite your reservations about it, fine but then he can't consider your retirement money as his fall back plan, kwim?
You don't seem to be defending him or your relationship much, which makes me think that this is either MUD or you already know that your marriage is going to end in divorce. If its the latter, then get out ASAP so you can move on with your life.
does your H know that there is a 10% penalty on any money he takes from a retirement account? You really need to talk to your H and possibly go see a counselor to discuss his issues with "his money." This would be a deal breaker for me if nothing changed.
I told him about the penalty and taxes but it's no use. Seriously, why would anyone with an undergrad in business, working on a MBA, and who is an accountant know anything......seriously
I'm very sorry you have to deal with this. I believe you said you hadn't been married very long, but if he isn't willing to see you as a partner its going to be very difficult to make your marriage work long term. You need to stand up for yourself and tell him this is a huge problem-you need to see a counselor and a financial planner because you can't solve this on your own based on his actions regarding the 401K. Please don't wait, stand up for yourself or the resentment will continue to grow.
I'm with rosie. You have not given us one concrete reason for why this guy is worth being married to. Get individual counseling andhire a divorce attorney.
I told him about the penalty and taxes but it's no use. Seriously, why would anyone with an undergrad in business, working on a MBA, and who is an accountant know anything......seriously
Proof that just because you have a degree, doesn't mean you are smart.
I'm sorry OP, but if the best quality you can come up with is he laid some floors, I think there are some serious problems. In no way would I let anyone, let alone my husband, speak to me the way yours did.
Those are her degrees. Her H dropped out of school. She was saying that he won't listen to her or take her input.
Get out of this marriage, now. Screw joint counseling (individual counseling, yes).
Write him off as a mistake you made at 18. You are 24, still young and able to recover from this mistake. He isn't going to change.
:::nods:::
You roommate has ZERO redeeming qualities. Would you let ANYone else in your life treat you this poorly? So why does your husband get to treat you like that?!
Seriously, his inability to talk about money like a grown up shows a lot about him. If you ever have kids is he going to expect you to cover all of its expenses because it popped out of you? What does he see himself as responsible for?
I agree that you need to be speaking to a lawyer to make sure you don't end up responsible for any of his debt and he can't get to your retirement.
I don't think you necessarily have to get a divorce if you really love this guy and otherwise things are good. But if you do want to stay married, I think you have to have a serious discussion about money and lay out some ground rules. It's not fair to split everything 50/50 if you don't make equal amounts. I also think that you need to take some steps to protect yourself financially.
If you are going to stay married and keep your finances separate, you need some type of legal agreement that you aren't on the hook for any debt that he takes on (CC or otherwise) and vice versa. You would also need to think of your financial health as being completely separate from his. Start saving for your own retirement and don't think about or worry about what mistakes he might be making. For example, if he wants to cash out his 401k despite your reservations about it, fine but then he can't consider your retirement money as his fall back plan, kwim?
I agree with all this in theory, but what is she supposed to do, throw him out when he's 75? Refuse him food?
My point is that his bad financial decisions are going to impact you forever if you stay married. Separate finances or not. You can try your best to protect yourself financially, but the law sees you as a team whether he is acting like it or not.
Post by zacksbride on Jan 15, 2013 10:53:59 GMT -5
i am really sorry you are dealing with this. it does not sound like he respects you at all. i would not be able to stay in a marriage like that.
i wonder what he would think if he lost his job and then wasn't able to find another given that he dropped out of school and doesn't have a degree of his own..... i kind of think he would expect you to cover for his sorry ass.
I am anti-divorce also but you really need to get the fuck away from him asap. and ditto pps that he can and will probably go after you in a divorce when you start making more.
Post by lurkergirl123 on Jan 15, 2013 11:11:11 GMT -5
If you don't plan on divorcing this douchebag (and I really hope you do) are you planning on having children with him? Because if so, how is that going to work? You have to pay all the baby expenses because it came out of you?
Post by sillygoosegirl on Jan 15, 2013 11:18:21 GMT -5
Even if you aren't ready to file for divorce, you need to see a lawyer about protecting yourself. I don't see this marriage lasting, but if you spend a few years trying to make it work while you finish your MBA, you may end up owing him alimony. Wouldn't that be an ironic turn of events? Unfortunately, when you get divorced, the courts are going to assume that you were actually behaving and using your money like a married couple, and the fact that he has been treating you this way will not be taken into account. It's kind of unfortunate that the law encourages you to get out early like this, but it is what it is, and if he ever does change, you could get remarried to each other (it's actually not that uncommon). A postnup agreement may help you protect your degree in the event of divorce, which unfortunately looks pretty likely regardless of what you want.
You husband sounds unhinged, and like a real idiot with regard to money. As others suggested yesterday, I bet that inspite his higher income and lack of student loans, I bet his financies are in worse shape than yours simply because he is clearly unable to make good decisions about money. That, and he is behaving like someone with something to hide.
If you do leave him, it's going to put you in a very difficult spot financially. As I recall, you said you were a cosigner on his car loan, and I assume your name is on the mortgage as well. I think you can count on your husband not making payments on those I'd you file for divorce. Your debt to take home income ratio was something like 55% in the budget you posted yesterday, and that was without his car loan or the other half of the mortgage. I don't know a lot about this kind of situation and what you can do to minimize the damage, but I think there are others on MM who do. If you are thinking about doing this--and I really hope you are, you deserve so much better--I urge you to start a new budget post where we can talk about how you can make it on your own.
I don't think you necessarily have to get a divorce if you really love this guy and otherwise things are good. But if you do want to stay married, I think you have to have a serious discussion about money and lay out some ground rules. It's not fair to split everything 50/50 if you don't make equal amounts. I also think that you need to take some steps to protect yourself financially.
If you are going to stay married and keep your finances separate, you need some type of legal agreement that you aren't on the hook for any debt that he takes on (CC or otherwise) and vice versa. You would also need to think of your financial health as being completely separate from his. Start saving for your own retirement and don't think about or worry about what mistakes he might be making. For example, if he wants to cash out his 401k despite your reservations about it, fine but then he can't consider your retirement money as his fall back plan, kwim?
I agree with all this in theory, but what is she supposed to do, throw him out when he's 75? Refuse him food?
My point is that his bad financial decisions are going to impact you forever if you stay married. Separate finances or not. You can try your best to protect yourself financially, but the law sees you as a team whether he is acting like it or not.
Yeah, as much as I hope someday someone does that to this guy, I hope the OP gets to spend the next 50 years with someone she wouldn't want to do that to. For her sake, not his.
Post by whitepicketfence on Jan 15, 2013 11:25:30 GMT -5
I'm sorry, I just don't see this ending well. From your posts, he does not sound as if he'll ever be someone you can reason with and he obviously doesn't respect you. He doesn't have a clue what marriage is all about and, honestly, he's dead weight in your relationship. I don't think I'd jump on the divorce bandwagon right away, but I certainly think a trial separation is in order.
Post by phunluvin82 on Jan 15, 2013 11:29:28 GMT -5
I'm so sorry he said that to you. I would be LIVID. Like, packing my shit livid. Seriously.
Did he behave this way and talk to you like that before you got married?
My H and I have had some blowouts and ugly fights about money, but he would never talk to me like that (and vice versa). The worst thing that has been said was by me and was that if things didn't start to change, it would be a deal breaker for me. I can't EVER imagine saying "I'll divorce you tomorrow" to someone that I love and respect.
This issue will not go away and will only get worse when, like PPs have mentioned, you have kids or when YOU make more, or need to retire. Don't be a doormat...you don't deserve this sort of treatment.
Post by saywhatnow on Jan 15, 2013 11:33:06 GMT -5
You need to end the marriage because it is going to go down...and bring you with it. Get out while you are young. And maybe it doesn't have to be a "divorce"...this looks like cause for annulment...you married him thinking he was going to enter into a partnership with you and he has definitely not done this. Good luck...I hope you find your way to happiness.
First and foremost, you need to start seeing a counselor on your own. His behavior is sending up huge warning signs for becoming abusive, and you need to get your own head straight about why you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you and what you need to do about it.
Then get to a lawyer about how to protect yourself financially. Pull his credit reports and find out what his real financial position is. Even if you stay in the marriage, you need to do this. He clearly knows nothing about money and is making terrible decisions. You should strongly consider filing your taxes married filing separately. It is financially disadvantageous, but I would NEVER jointly sign anything with this man ever again. He can't be trusted, and you don't want to legally be on the hook for taxes and penalties for cashing in the 401k (although that will be on next year's return).
Post by ellipses84 on Jan 15, 2013 12:43:18 GMT -5
The 401k is a perfect example of how individual decisions impact the joint finances. His tax penalty will impact you if you divide your taxes owed/refund equally. You really need marriage/financial counseling to sort this out. He is stubborn and I can see why approaching him and saying you need to pay my student loans didn't go over well, because that is what you have been allowing for so long, but his reaction was ridiculous. Sounds like he has control issues and/or emotional baggage regarding financial issues with his family or an ex.
In the meantime, let him know you can't afford this lifestyle. Cancel cable and if he wants it he can sign up and pay for it all. I see a lot of fights in your future, but that will show his true colors even more than he already has.
Post by sillygoosegirl on Jan 15, 2013 12:46:52 GMT -5
While I agree with those who say you should SEE your husband's credit report, I would strongly advise against actually pulling his report yourself without consulting a lawyer first. I'm pretty sure it is ILLEGAL for you to pull his free annual credit report without his concent, and you don't want that to cause problems for you in potential future divorce proceedings. There may also be legal ways to get this info, I'm not sure.
Totally jumping on the bandwagon....this is not a life partner and you should get out before you invest too much of your own time and money into this guy, since he's clearly not willing to invest any of his time or money in you.
It's OK to have differing views on how to share money in a marriage. And I do know couples that keep separate accounts and spend "their" salary after contributing to their joint accounts/bills as they wish.
But your DH sounds awful and doesn't seem to value you, or your contributions to the marriage. Is that really worth the rest of your life? Doesn't sound like it to me.
It's OK to have differing views on how to share money in a marriage. And I do know couples that keep separate accounts and spend "their" salary after contributing to their joint accounts/bills as they wish. quote]
Sure, everyone is entitled to their own opinions...but couples that have "differing views on how to share money" have a marriage that is in trouble.