Getting rid of all my stuff

[Deleted]

poof

[whitemerlot]

Do you have a friend or family member that can help you go through and take some of it out to keep? I've been thinking of you. What a hard thing.

[Deleted]

Everyone I know has offered, and I will have some people go with me. But I need to be there as well to make sure I don't miss anything important, like my passport or the title to my car.

I'd rather get it settled now while I'm already grieving, than have to go back to it in 6 months or 5 years or whatever. Life totally sucks right now, might as well do it now.

Edited for clarity.

[womet]

Spearmint, I'm sorry that you're having to deal with all of this. I cannot even imagine what you're going through.

I don't think you should make any major changes for the first 6 months or a year. And that includes selling your furniture. While you may want to get rid of the emotionally charged things now, you may feel differently down the road.

[Deleted]

Jan 23, 2013 14:36:59 GMT -5 womet said:

Spearmint, I'm sorry that you're having to deal with all of this. I cannot even imagine what you're going through.

I don't think you should make any major changes for the first 6 months or a year. And that includes selling your furniture. While you may want to get rid of the emotionally charged things now, you may feel differently down the road.

I agree with this. Don't make any decisions now.

[Deleted]

I know that that is the standard advice but in this case it's really not practical. I can't live there. And what am i supposed to do, not sit down or drink coffee at home for a year waiting to decide? Where do I sleep? Either I replace it or I use it, starting soon.

[Deleted]

I am crashing at my mom's for now but this is not feasible long-term. She is very set in her ways. I need my own place.

[pitterwoo]

When my SIL was in this situation she immediately got rid of all my brothers personal stuff like clothes and books and things and then she just took the kids and stayed with her parents for like 6 months. She eventually moved back in and kept most of the stuff.

I also know of another person who had this happen and she just never went back for anything.

So just throwing those both out there as everyone is different and you'll have to come to terms with what feels right to you.

I'm sorry it's so hard.

[Deleted]

Also, I am ok with packing away sentimental items to deal with later/never in a few boxes. It's the functional stuff that is stumping me.

[rebekistan]

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I agree with not making major decisions for 6 months, but at the same time, it makes sense that you don't want to pay rent just to store it there. Could you make a list of the important items you need and have someone collect them ahead of time, then go through the house and tag all of the furniture and items you want to move to your new place? (I think you said that you want to move?) But anything that you are unsure about, tag that to pack it up for storage.

There's no way to do this without it being incredibly upsetting, and I don't think that there is a "right" or "wrong" way to get it done. Hedging by putting things in storage does create an emotional weight but it doesn't do anything permanent that can't be undone later.

[Deleted]

I would take out the few things that you might like later, like the dressers, the headboard, etc and put them in a storage locker and get rid of everything else. That way you only have to decide on a few items 3,6 or more months from now. Everything else, have fun shopping. The storage locker will be cheaper and you at least have some time to think it over more.

[Deleted]

There is no right answer to this. Would it be possible to take those basic items and furniture, use them, then in 6 months re-evaluate? A toaster oven and coffee maker you can throw away if it becomes to hard to see them. Sell the furniture later if you need to.

Sent from my DROID3 using proboards

[krisandgrace]

  Honestly I can't imagine how you must feel right now, I am so sorry. I would probably take anything that may be a family heirloom and just get rid of the rest. If cost isn't an issue and your talking about pots, pans and furniture I think that is perfectly reasonable. I know they say not to change anything but in your case I can't imagine that you would have regret over this stuff.

[countthestars]

I like the idea of making a list before you go there. Try to think about each item. Maybe decide that you are okay with appliances and kitchen things, but that you don't want the furniture and things in your bedroom. If you don't know, keep it. If you get to your new place, unpack it, and find that you can't use it - sell it. Block off a couple of hours at a time to do it and focus on just one small space rather than thinking about the whole house. I'm so sorry you have to do this.

[jennistarr1]

First let me say...I have no idea...this is just an idea

Have you been able to go into the house at all?

I was thinking that someone could literally go in an inventory each room for you....then without being there you can say keep this/get rid of that. Doing it one room at a time might be easier then thinking of one giant estate. At that time, they could also create totes of things you definitely need to go through (desk drawers and the like) to begin to pull that stuff away from the other stuff.

Who would sell an estate for you...perhaps there is a person there that can help you with this process. I'm not sure how estates work. But perhaps whomever is selling it can do it in stages with you (so like after inventorying the living room, they can can come get the stuff to sell and hold it until you have the entire estate together)

[womet]

Jan 23, 2013 14:41:19 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

I know that that is the standard advice but in this case it's really not practical. I can't live there. And what am i supposed to do, not sit down or drink coffee at home for a year waiting to decide? Where do I sleep? Either I replace it or I use it, starting soon.

I'd start using it again. Put the really emotionally charged things (like wedding pictures) in boxes and pull them out when you're ready to deal with them. Then I'd start using everything else in the house. Maybe get some different accent pieces or put a fresh coat of paint on the wall to make it look different. But I'd live there. I'd allow myself time to grieve before I made any of these major life decisions you've been posting about.

But with that said, we aren't you and can't know what you're going through. If you say that you can't live there, who are we to decide that you have to stay in the house and keep those things? {{{hugs}}}

[doobeedoo]

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss and all you must be going through right now. You seem like a practical person from your posts and one who likes to plan/organize/DO as a way of dealing with stress and grief. I am right there with you. So I can dole out advice for what I think I would do, practically speaking, if I were in your shoes.
I'd sell the VAST majority of stuff and start fresh. I think it will be a cathartic process for you and you seem to be in need of that.
BUT, I'd keep those things you either JUST purchased and love or would likely go out an purchase again. Like the brown couch and the velvet headboard. No sense in punishing yourself by selling things you genuinely love. Plus, who knows, someday you may want a few itesm from your past to help you reminisce/remember.

[lys]

I would keep the stuff you really  love, get rid of the items that were his before you ever moved in.
In a year's time - you can get rid of more if you find you are having a hard time living with the loved items.

You will heal.  This is just "stufff".

The wedding gifts were for you as well as your DH - keep the ones you like, use or connected to people you really carae about.  ---

Making big decisions will in the throws of a recent loss and grieving = not always wise choices

[ohgillian]

I haven't read all of your other posts, so I"m not sure what you are thinking about for long-term housing. Do you plan to rent/buy a new place? If so, would it work to go ahead and find the new place, then furnish/decorate it with whatever you want from the old place, and then whatever you leave at the old place, bring an estate company in to deal with? I know you aren't "supposed" to make any major decisions, but I'm not sure how that actually would work. You have to decide where to live.

[Deleted]

Hard to say what I would do I guess because I'm not in your situation.

My inclination is the following for what I think I'd do:

- keep my bathroom products (hair stuff, makeup, lotions, etc)
- keep my clothes, although if you wanted to splurge it might be fun to get a new wardrobe. Shoes too. Jewelry I'd probably box up or keep some/store some. I have a lot of costume jewelry and some stuff from family so I might be more inclined to keep that and store anything emotionally charged.
- kitchen appliances and other small appliances I would keep. Like you said, if they work and there is no strong emotional attachment to them (who is attached to a toaster, right?) then you may as well. I may get rid of the TV since that's kind of emotionally charged. I'd keep my computer, iPod, etc, stuff that I'd replace with basically the same thing.
- keep the furniture you mention, get rid of the rest. Personally I might just replace everything because I would likely select different stuff if I was the only person whose opinion mattered. If you think you'll just replace what you have with like items, that seems silly to me too.
- keep some basic kitchen wares, probably get rid of dishes or other more special things we got for our wedding. I'd want to start fresh with stuff that was uniquely mine. Same goes for bedding.
- keep all paperwork, pictures, your favorite books, etc. You can store these for now but may want them someday. If you don't want to pay for storage, put them in a couple of big rubbermaid containers and maybe leave them in a friend or family member's basement (assuming it is protected from the elements).

Anything else can go. Maybe keep some basic stuff like tools, extra light bulbs, garbage bags, etc that again you can use with no attachment and would just need to replace anyway. I think a friend or family member (or group of them) should be able to make judgement calls on most of this stuff pretty easily so you don't have to actually do it yourself if you don't feel ready.

At the end of the day, I don't think you need to/should make hasty choices about sentimental items, but the rest is just stuff. If you throw out something you decide later you want, you can buy another one. If it helps you feel like you are moving forward now by getting rid of some household items, there is no harm in that. I doubt you'll regret it later, especially if you have no financial concerns in replacing things you used to have.

[Deleted]

I think I would have a hard time going back to the home and going through everything. I *think* I would be inclined to write down the stuff that I know FOR SURE I want to keep and wouldn't feel upset having around. After I have spent a few days writing it all down I would give that list to someone else and have them go collect it. I would do this all from memory if I could. Everything else I would leave for an estate attorney to deal with.
I am sorry that this is something you have to deal with.

[Pom]

I think PPs have had good advice, but ultimately you will have to make the best choice for you. No rush, it will take as long as it takes. Good luck, we are thinking of you.

[BAMFMrsB]

Jan 23, 2013 14:41:19 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

I know that that is the standard advice but in this case it's really not practical. I can't live there. And what am i supposed to do, not sit down or drink coffee at home for a year waiting to decide? Where do I sleep? Either I replace it or I use it, starting soon.

Spearmint -

would it really be that financially hard to move into a 1-bedroom on a 6 month term to sort yourself out? You have a LOT of $$$ coming to you, right? You can take your couch, your bed, your toaster and take a bit of time to really think it through. Then after 6 months, you may have a better idea of what you want to do, KWIM?

[KaraOrNot]

I am so sorry that you are having to deal w/ this and are in the position that you need to make these decisions so quickly.

I don't have any direct experince w/ this, but I know my mom had a hard time deciding what to do w/ things after my dad died. She ended up keeping almost everything, but honestly, a lot of it isn't used anymore. For example, she has never been able to sleep in their bed again and won't sit in "his" chair. She does still use the things that she chose or that he didn't like. She kept most of the kitchen stuff, but replaced the coffee maker, as it was one that he chose and frequently used.

Honestly, there is no right or wrong in this. Do what you need to do and it that means selling everything and re-buying the same stuff, go for it. If you feel comfortable using your kitchen stuff, do it. Hugs.

[aspentosh]

When my brother's wife passed away unexpectedly he got rid of a lot of the more personal stuff but kept the basics (couch). That helped him heal without starting from scratch.

Good luck with this. I can't imagine...

[drloretta]

It sounds like you're starting a list in your head, so now may be a good time to get it down on paper (or a spreadsheet, or whatever) and decide what you would really like to hang onto, and what and go. Make the lists. It likely won't take that long. Then maybe designate rooms in the house (again you don't have to be there right now, just get it down on a list) for where the "keep, store, and sell" stuff is going. Once you find a new place you can take the key pieces out of storage and that's one less thing to deal with.

I think one of your big sticking points right now is that you want all this done now so you can get it over with, but realizing that it is going to take a certain amount of time.

[kathybela]

Jan 23, 2013 14:38:04 GMT -5 @iheartcosmos said:

Jan 23, 2013 14:36:59 GMT -5 womet said:

Spearmint, I'm sorry that you're having to deal with all of this. I cannot even imagine what you're going through.

I don't think you should make any major changes for the first 6 months or a year. And that includes selling your furniture. While you may want to get rid of the emotionally charged things now, you may feel differently down the road.

I agree with this. Don't make any decisions now.

I'm also a widow, although my DH passed away from cancer. I agree with womet & cosmos, wait. I was too quick to get rid of some items and am now regretting doing so. If you really want to move ahead now maybe rent a storage unit for some of the items you aren't sure about keeping.

[phoenixrising]

Maybe if you move some of the items (like the couch, the bed, the dressers) to your new place and spend time living with them in a new space, you will have a clearer idea of whether you should get rid of them or can keep them. I know even when my husband and I were just separating before filing for divorce, I decided to leave almost everything that was furniture behind and start over fresh, but perhaps living with your things in a new space will give you some clarity.

You are in my thoughts...

[Deleted]

Can you hire movers to put everything in storage for 6 months, even a year, and then find a furnished place to rent? I have no idea what I would do in your situation but I think this would buy you some time so that you can make decisions from an unemotional standpoint. If you can move into a fully furnished place temporarily, then you would only have to make decisions on a few items, like kitchen appliances, maybe dishware, silverware, pots and pans (if not supplied), which would be much less overwhelming. You could also bring a few things with you that are just yours, like your clothes and computer, just to see if they still seem to be reminders of your past when they are in a different context.

Hugs. I truly can't imagine what I would do but this is my best advice given your situation and responses.

[Deleted]

I think I need to think of it in 3 categories: 1) Keep, 2) Estate sale, 3) Maybe's, to go into storage. I need to get used to the idea of putting some of it in storage. I think about 70% of the stuff will be estate sale, and I can move forward with that. 30% TBD.

I can live with the regret that comes with having to buy a new functional household item, considering the money I'll have in the bank. I think realistically that's the least of my worries. Thank goodness.

I can appreciate that I'm not supposed to make these decisions now. I assume they would be easier in the future. However, circumstances are forcing my hand. We moved for my job, and we had only been there for a few months. We lived in a small rural town with few housing options with my dog, and we had few friends. There is no way in hell I can stay there now. And I'm moving back to the area I wanted to move back to before all this happened. A lot of the decisions I'm "making" are things I already decided I would do as soon as I could. Paying off my SL's, upgrading my car, and moving back to this region are all things that were on my mind anyway.