Question for child free by choice people

[lightbulbsun]

I've recently been thinking that I don't want kids. When I got married, and even when we bought the house we were planning to have at least 1, but the older I get the less interested I am. I'm still pretty young (26), so I'm not sure if anything will change in the next few years, but right now I don't think we'll have any.

I'm really happy my H is on board, because we had talked about having kids before we got married, and then I randomly changed my mind.

[demelza]

Feb 4, 2013 16:04:34 GMT -5 @scottydeux said:

Every time I start to plan/think about having kids I am very easily deterred.

The illness stories horrify me. How many things get broken/ruined by kids playing annoys me. The idea of following after something in all of my free time, practically, makes me tired. I am already a tired person, much of the time.

I like my body as is. I like to sleep in. I like things to stay in their place/not get ruined.

If that makes me selfish, I am totally fine with that.

That is not to write that the idea of having an unplanned baby doesn't appeal to me. I would accept/adapt/enjoy the times, and try not to take my role as a mother for granted.

That is not to write that my ute doesn't ache when I see a chubby baby with big innocent eyes. The smell of baby heads = crack, frankly. That is not to write that I don't get depressed over the idea of not bonding with my child and righting some of the wrongs done to me as a child through better parenting.

However, if I really wanted to do it. I would. I wait for that moment when I'll say, 'I'm really doing this. No, really.' And then we do.

But, I have a feeling that it may never come, and stay.

Did you originally think you might want kids someday when you first got married?

[Deleted]

I didn't always know that I didn't want kids, but I've never pictured kids in my life. I don't remember the point where it kind of sank in that kids were a choice rather than something everyone had to have, and that I had never pictured my life with kids, but when I came to that realization I realized I likely would never have kids.

Something could happen hormonally I suppose to change my mind (though at 33 that would not be ideal), so I won't say never... But I think I just never wanted kids, whether or not I realized that I didn't want kids, so I shouldn't have kids.  And I'm perfectly happy with that idea.  Does that make any sense?

My husband is a bit less certain about it. When I bring it up to make sure we're still on the same page, he says "Maybe some day." I don't think he got very good birds and bees lessons at his all boys Catholic high school, because he doesn't seem to realize that it isn't something you can do much later in life (if you're married to someone your own age). But he is pretty scared of babies, doesn't like to interact with kids much, and has never expressed interest in kids, so I suspect that he's on the same page as me but just hasn't thought about it enough to affirmatively say no.

[pantsparty]

When did you realize you don't want kids? I can't pinpoint it exactly, but I'd probably say my early twenties.

Did you always know? No, but I never really wanted kids. I just never said, "I don't want kids." It was more of a lack of desire.

Or did it hit you sometime in adulthood that you just don't want to have kids, even though maybe as a teenager or younger adult you figured you'd end up with a kid or two? No.

Was there ever a transition for you from wanting kids in the future to changing your mind altogether? Not really.

Do you see yourself ever changing your mind to want kids? Not really. It would take something significant to change my mind. I really enjoy the life my H and I have together; I see having kids as a disruption. Every so often I think about having kids in an abstract way, as, "Wouldn't it be neat to have a mini me running around?" But the realities bring me back. Things like financial aspects for items like daycare, completely disrupting our schedule, vaganus, and being responsible for raising a person to be a productive member of society. I don't see this changing for us.

[heliocentric]

There was no single moment of clarity or anything. I never really thought about having kids or had a desire to do so. I guess I figured it would happen at some point, but didn't think about it beyond that. When I finally met DH I was already 29 and since the urge hadn't kicked in yet, I figured that maybe I didn't have one.

Still, DH and I considered it for several years. Neither one of us felt strongly one way or the other and that made us think that we probably shouldn't have kids. I'm sure we'd be good parents, but we felt like kids should be really desired. We made a temporary "no kids" decision with the idea that we'd periodically re-visit it. Even after making that decision we would sometimes question whether or not it was the right one, but we never questioned it enough that we felt any sense of urgency or need to act upon it. Honestly, we really blew it off for so long that the decision was sort of made for us (I'll be 41 in a few months.).

If we do change our minds, I think we can find satisfying ways of having children in our lives without being parents. Mentoring, being a Big Brother or Sister, leading a scout troop, etc.

In hindsight, the reason I think the decision seemed difficult was because I was trying to convince myself to want a kid when I didn't. Once we made that temporary "no" decision, it really did seem like a weight had been lifted. I'm not saying I still don't want "what if," but overall we're happy and have no regrets.

[wrathofkuus]

I never felt like I wanted kids. My dolls were always pretend siblings, or babies I was taking care of for someone else.

I thought I would want them when I was older, because adults generally seemed to, but at around 14 when the idea was still repellent to me while my friends were daydreaming about what their future kids would be named, I realized that there may be something different about me.

At around 17 I finally said it aloud, that I didn't ever want children, and it was like a huge weight had been lifted. Everyone said I'd change my mind when I met the right guy, when I hit 25, near 30, my mid-thirties, and still, nope. Don't want them, don 't truly get why anyone does.

[pantsparty]

I will also note I like kids. I babysat a lot as a teenager and I get along well with children. I don't mind listening to my friends talk about their kids. But I have zero desire to raise a kid, or be responsible for one.

[AJ]

I don't recall ever really wanting children. My brother was born when I was 11 and that was the point that I thought I never want kids. People always told me I would change my mind but it has been over 20 years and so far I have not waivered in that decision. I don't think I will change my mind.

[Deleted]

When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up and have a house, white picket fence, etc. Kids were apart of this.

Then I was in college. I had no care in the world and was partying it up. I was independent and didn't want that to change.

Even when I met H, it didn't really change.

We aren't 100% sold on not wanting kids or sold on having kids. We have a lot of stuff we want to do before we think kids.

I am just terrified I will be a terrible mother. I have a short temper. I get upset easily. I know that I need to grow up before I think about having kids. I also need a job and we need to save up money and pay off my student loans.

[thinklikeajellyfish]

I always knew that I didn't want children.  As a child I had names picked out for my future kids (Byron and Kirsty - don't judge ), but it never went beyond that.  For MH it was more of a process.  When we started seriously dating I let him know that I did not want children.  He told me that he had always imagined that he would have kids, but as he thought about it more he realized that he was totally fine not having them. 

ETA:

Feb 4, 2013 16:07:14 GMT -5 v said:

I didn't always know that I didn't want kids, but I've never pictured kids in my life.  I don't remember the point where it kind of sank in that kids were a choice rather than something everyone had to have, and that I had never pictured my life with kids, but when I came to that realization I realized I likely would never have kids.

 This says what I was trying to say, but much more eloquently.  For MH, when I told him that I didn't want kids that is when he came to the realization that kids were a choice and even though it's "expected" that he would have kids, he didn't have to.

[leeann]

When I was younger, I definitely wanted and thought I'd have kids. I didn't marry H until I was 33 and he was 39 and by then, my energy and enthusiasm for the concept just wasn't what it had been ten years earlier.

[Deleted]

Feb 4, 2013 16:04:34 GMT -5 @scottydeux said:

Every time I start to plan/think about having kids I am very easily deterred.

The illness stories horrify me. How many things get broken/ruined by kids playing annoys me. The idea of following after someone in all of my free time, practically, makes me tired. I am already a tired person, much of the time.

I like my body as is. I like to sleep in. I like things to stay in their place/not get ruined.

If that makes me selfish, I am totally fine with that.

That is not to write that the idea of having an unplanned baby doesn't appeal to me. I would accept/adapt/enjoy the times, and try not to take my role as a mother for granted.

That is not to write that my ute doesn't ache when I see a chubby baby with big innocent eyes. The smell of baby heads = crack, frankly. That is not to write that I don't get depressed over the idea of not bonding with my child and righting some of the wrongs done to me as a child through better parenting.

However, if I really wanted to do it. I would. I wait for that moment when I'll say, 'I'm really doing this. No, really.' And then we do.

But, I have a feeling that it may never come, and stay.

Wow.  I could have written this word for word.

[averyjessup]

Always known. Always. Everyone always said I'd change my mind and I always just smiled and nodded. Even when I was 25ish people still kept going, oh, your biological clock will start ticking any day now. I'll be 31 in a couple weeks and it hasn't happened yet. Little boys with their dogs make my uterus skip a tiny tiny beat but for the most part I actually think I'm pretty much void of any sort of maternal instinct. I don't mind babies/kids, I just don't have any interest in them.

[fuckyourcouch]

i still go back and forth. i love kids and i think they're fun, but sometimes i can see myself having one, and sometimes i'm completely horrified by the thought.
my H seems to go back and forth too, but he's currently in baby mode and i'm NOT.

[open24hours]

I am not completely child free by choice, as in H and I haven't really talked about it yet. When we were married at 25, the "plan" was to have a child by 30. Well, 30 has come and gone, and no baby came with it. I think we made this plan because that is just what married people do. You get married, you have kids, even though we know plenty of married couples who have opted to not have children. It is almost like having children is not a decision, but rather an expectation.

But, I like my married life with my husband and I think having a child will drastically change that. I mean I like sleeping until noon on the weekends, and that would be impossible with kids. I like going to museums, art galleries, and other places that are not always kid friendly. I don't want to give that up or struggle to find a babysitter in order to continue those activities. I don't want to change the dynamic of my married relationship. Call me selfish, I don't care.

Also, H works very long and odd hours. I feel like I would be too much of a single mother in terms of taking care of any child and that does not appeal to me at all. I don't think his work schedule would allow for much fatherly support. Kid gets sick and needs to stay home or go to the doctor - that would always be on me. Kid needs to come home from daycare or school - again, always me. I would be responsible for getting the kid up and ready in the morning and do everything (feeding, bath time, bed time) at night - so not appealing. Maybe moms with husbands who don't work weird hours have the same problem, but an imaginary option of H being to help isn't even a possibility. Since I really see so little of H, I don't want to share my time with him. Again selfish but I don't care.

H and I have never considered more than one child, so I also feel less pressure to get pregnant now as opposed to later. We are only 34 and I'd feel comfortable if I was pregnant by age 40. So, since we only want one, we can push it off for 5-6 years. Things may change by then. H might get a better job in the meantime.

[Deleted]

It is more that I've never had a desire for children.

Not the desire NOT to have children.

Never say never, but I'll turn 36 this year, and my husband will turn 40.

[birdistheword]

When did you realize you don't want kids? I can't really pinpoint it, I've just always been kind of "meh" on the idea.

Did you always know? I have been saying I didn't want kids since I can remember. When my husband and I started dating/got married, there was a part of me that could see having kids with him. I started to just assume I would change my mind and we would have them someday. We would about "when" we have kids, rather than "if." But the longer we are married and see our friends having kids, the more we think it just might not be for us. 

Or did it hit you sometime in adulthood that you just don't want to have kids, even though maybe as a teenager or younger adult you figured you'd end up with a kid or two? See above. I've gone back and forth, but we are currently pretty firmly in the no kids camp.

Was there ever a transition for you from wanting kids in the future to changing your mind altogether? 
Do you see yourself ever changing your mind to want kids?  Never say never. We plan to revisit the idea in a couple years. It could suddenly hit us that we must have kids, or we could continue to be happy with our life as it is. The only thing that gives me pause about not having them is worrying that I will regret it when I'm older and have no kids or grandkids to spend time with.

No reason, this isn't a spinoff of anything. I'm just curious. 

[nightandday]

Growing up, I just figured I'd get a job, get married, have kids because that's what you do when you get older. I didn't particularly want kids though. I love them, don't get me wrong- I'm an elementary school teacher. When I met H and we started to talk about getting engaged, he told me that he absolutely didn't want to have biological children (for medical reasons). I actually felt relieved that I wouldn't "have to" have kids.
We did talk about one day being foster parents or adoptive parents. The door isn't closed on that, but as of right now even that seems unlikely.

[lime]

I've always known. 

When I was a child or a teenager, people would say to me, "when you get to be a mom...." and I would know inwardly that I wasn't going to do that. 

[sporklemotion]

Feb 4, 2013 15:58:51 GMT -5 @crackhabit said:

When did you realize you don't want kids?

Did you always know?

Or did it hit you sometime in adulthood that you just don't want to have kids, even though maybe as a teenager or younger adult you figured you'd end up with a kid or two?

Was there ever a transition for you from wanting kids in the future to changing your mind altogether?
Do you see yourself ever changing your mind to want kids?

No reason, this isn't a spinoff of anything. I'm just curious.

I'm not sure if I fit this category, but here's where I am right now.

Like miso, for me it was more that I can't say I've had a strong desire to have children, not that I'm sure that I don't want them.  And like leeann, by the time I met and married DH, I was not enthusiastic enough about it to jump on it right away (I was 32 when we started dating and 37 when we married).  There wasn't really a "transition moment" from wanting kids to not wanting them; it's more that we never had that moment of wanting them, and wanting them soon.  As corny as it sounds, I've never really pictured myself as a mother, and I've never really pictured my life with children in it. 

I think when I was younger I was more certain that I didn't want kids, and I never saw myself wanting them, but my attitude on this has softened a bit.  I did have a MC last year, and at that time, I was really hoping to have a child.  However, I haven't gotten PG again, and neither DH nor I have pushed to pursue medical treatment, or adoption, or other ways of having children. 

This may be flameful, but I've always had the "if it happens, it will happen" attitude about it, so I'm not set on being child-free and I'm not really trying to avoid conceiving a child-- this is also why I'm not sure I fit the "child free by choice" description.  I feel like I should be more decisive about it, but I just haven't been. And I'm 41 now so if it's going to happen, it will have to happen pretty soon.  So I think I've just adjusted to the fact that we probably won't have kids and that's... OK.  I can see this changing in the future but, given my age, I doubt it will. 

[RoxMonster]

I think it's only been in the past year or two that we really seriously decided we didn't want kids. Nothing definitive happened; I think a lot of our friends started having kids and so we saw firsthand the sacrifices they (willingly and happily) made that we just weren't OK with doing ourselves. I have also never been a huge baby/kid person.

We can't afford a child right now anyway and looking down the road, the amount of money you'd spend on a child or children is quite daunting. I would rather put that money toward a nicer house, nice vacations, etc. H agrees with me. We are still young so we haven't 100% ruled out kids yet, but it's looking like about 98% sure we won't have kids.

[dcannie]

i always knew. i never baby sat as a teenager and little kids/babies have always kind of disgusted me. i'm 34 and i've still never even held a baby. i've shaken the hand of a baby, but that's it. nothing about having kids has ever appealed to me.

[pantsparty]

Feb 4, 2013 18:47:52 GMT -5 dcannie said:

i always knew. i never baby sat as a teenager and little kids/babies have always kind of disgusted me. i'm 34 and i've still never even held a baby. i've shaken the hand of a baby, but that's it. nothing about having kids has ever appealed to me.

LOL!

[Kore]

Before getting married in my very early 20s, I was completely eh about having kids, but assumed we'd have them someday. Shortly after getting married, the inexplicable baby fever hit me, and I wanted to have a baby. Several years of that, and the timing was never right. We're both pretty immature, & live like college students.

A few years ago, I was in a total rut. I felt like life was on hold, waiting for the timing to be right to have a baby. I hadn't considered what life could be like if we didn't have kids until I saw this post:

community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/31330079.aspx

It was a bit of a profound moment for me. I started imagining our life with just us, and to my surprise, I loved it. It felt so free & fun. I thought about it for a few more days before bringing it up with my H. The more time that passed, the more "right" it felt. I felt as though a weight had been lifted from me. I felt younger, like I can do anything, and have this entire fun life to look forward to. I have 9 nieces & nephews, and they all adore me. I'm the "cool" aunt. It's such a fun role, & I love them dearly.

I've since opened myself to new experiences, found incredibly rewarding volunteer experiences, and made new close friendships. I'm more focused on building & maintaining friendships, since my friends are what I'll have when I'm old. Though either way, everyone should focus on building strong friendships so they're not a burden to their children for entertainment & emotional support as they age.

Anyway, that was a few years ago, and I haven't wavered at all since then. My H & I feel great about the decision, knowing that we made the choice vs having it made for us. I know we would cherish our child if we had one, but I'm in love with the life we're building together sans kids.

[dcannie]

Feb 4, 2013 18:49:41 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

Feb 4, 2013 18:47:52 GMT -5 dcannie said:

i always knew. i never baby sat as a teenager and little kids/babies have always kind of disgusted me. i'm 34 and i've still never even held a baby. i've shaken the hand of a baby, but that's it. nothing about having kids has ever appealed to me.

LOL!

i know. it was super awkward. it was after a baby shower, my friend was leaving, and she was kind of holding her baby out to everyone so they could say bye and give her a hug. i love my friend (and by extension her baby) but the kid had a huge snot bubble and i just couldn't do it. so i shook her hand. then washed my hands. 

[Deleted]

dcannie may hate children more than I do.

LMAO at "shaken the hand of a baby." LOVE.

[dcannie]

and i hate to say that i hate children, most of them just really gross me out. they are always slimy or sticky.

[Deleted]

Feb 4, 2013 18:56:47 GMT -5 dcannie said:

and i hate to say that i hate children, most of them just really gross me out. they are always slimy or sticky.

Sorry.  My incorrect characterization.

I think I fear children more than I actually hate them.

I do love my niece and nephew, though.  They are great.

[Deleted]

Terrifying.

[Kore]

I think my biggest parenting fear is that it's so unrelenting. You are always a parent. My H will be 40 in a couple weeks, and his parents still worry about him all the time. I know we'd be those parents. That is terrifying to me. I can deal with the baby stuff; the teenage/adult phase is what freaks me out. It would tear me up if my adult children were unhappy or not productive members of society.