feeling guilty - gender disappointment (long)

[ladygrey]

We had our anatomy scan today and found out that the baby is a very healthy girl. I was 100% certain it was a boy thanks to a combination of old wive's tales (low heart rate, no morning sickness, carrying low, no acne, salty cravings, etc.), my OB's prediction, and a general intuition (lots of boy dreams and just a gut sense that I was having a boy), so this is a HUGE shock and disappointment to me; I even cried on the car ride home from the doctor's office. 

I know that as soon as this baby is in my arms I will love her and forget all about this, but right now I feel like such an incredibly shitty, shallow person for feeling this much disappointment. In my mind, I was totally preparing to have a boy and now I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I know it's my own fault for putting so much weight on favoring one gender over the other, but I really truly thought this was going to be a boy.

I can't help but feel a little less excited about this baby now. I hate 90% of all the girls clothes out there and know that I will end up getting so much pink, frilly shit as gifts that I will just want to toss in the trash. I dread telling people that it's a girl for fear that they'll immediately stereotype her as a little princess/sweetheart/diva. I also think back to my childhood and how much drama and angst I caused my parents, especially my poor mom, and I just don't know if I'm ready to deal with the roller coaster of girl hormones. To me, boys just seem like they would be much easier to parent, even though I know that's now always true.

I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish here; I don't expect anyone to sympathize with me (in fact, I wouldn't be surprised if I get flamed to high heaven), but I just need to get this out to someone besides DH...

[ijack]

Give yourself a little time to process it. I'm not a girl person at all and was very sad when I found out I was having another girl. I'm sure people will tell you to suck it up, but give yourself time and be thankful you don't have to debate circumcision

[h]

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Lots of people feel this way. It is nothing to feel guilty about, and there is nothing wrong with taking some time to get used to the fact that your family looks different than you thought it would. Disappointment is a normal reaction when our expectations don't meet up with reality. You thought you were carrying a boy, and it turns out you are not, so a little disappointment is understandable. I *always* pictured myself with girls, and I am about to have my third boy. I ADORE them, but after I found about it each one, I had a "really, this one isn't the girl?" moment before I was able to move on and get excited about my little guys.

You are right--when she is here, you will be head over heels. And you will not be able to imagine her being anyone other than who she is, or being mom to anyone else. Six years ago before I had my first son, I would have said that I thought I would be a bad boy mom, I wouldn't know what to do with them, etc. But now I honestly can't imagine having any kids other than the ones I have, and, much to my surprise, I think I'm actually kind of an awesome boy mom. I really believe that we wind up with the kids we are meant to raise.

I am so sorry you are feeling disappointed. Try to think of the aspects of having a daughter that you are looking forward to, pick out a girl outfit or two that do suit your taste, etc., and accept that it may take a little bit of time for you to readjust your expectations. I bet you will feel better soon.

[pamela]

- If you want to avoid pink gifts, don't tell people she's a girl. Not required to share
- Boys plenty of their own issues and you don't have to be anywhere near ready for any of those issues because they aren't going to come up anytime soon. For now, your biggest issue will be not getting peed on when you open a diaper (which is much easier with a girl).
- Give yourself time to process it. If you really had yourself convinced it was a boy, it could take awhile to reprogram your brain, especially a pregnant brain. If you hadn't had any of those "signs" would you still have been disappointed in a girl?

[pugz]

I think this is maybe more normal than you might think. I really thought we were having a boy so I was shocked to learn it was a girl and it did take some getting used to the idea after I'd kind of bonded with what I thought was a boy! There are LOTS of not pink and not frilly girls clothes out there. I donated any gifts we received that said "princess" or "diva" on them because NO, that is not how we roll.

More neutral/not pink nurseries are becoming much more common these days too, check Project Nursery for inspiration.

Once I searched myself a bit more I realized the reason I was worried about having a girl was because so many people say "oh boys just love their mommies and girls love their daddies!" which is such bull honkey. Kids love both parents! I had this weird sadness that my kid would only like my husband and that is not true at all!

[EllieArroway]

I could have written this exact post 8 months ago. Give yourself some time. It took me a long time to get used to the fact that I was having a girl, and a while longer to get excited about it. Now I'm holding her & I wouldn't trade her for the world. It's okay to mourn for a bit.

I also didn't hide my hate for pink princess crap (even before I was pregnant with a girl) so most of my friends and family bought stuff that was more my style. There are lots of cute options for girls that aren't pink. I have a harder time finding stuff I like for my son, honestly.

[h]

Feb 5, 2013 18:21:01 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

Think of the quote from Bridesmaids re: having all boys: "There's sperm EVERWHERE. I broke a blanket in half."

 LOL

It may be funny to you, but that quote gives me nightmares.  I am scared to death of having three teenage boys in the house.

[ladygrey]

Thanks, everyone. @vicmo, I am also glad that I still have the second half of pregnancy to process my feelings about this. I know that time will help, but right now it's still just a total shock and surprise.

I almost feel worse about my reaction to everything, rather than the fact that she is a girl. I think about all the women struggling with infertility and loss who would kill to be having a healthy baby of ANY gender, and it almost makes me sick to my stomach for feeling the way I do. Thankfully, I have a great support system in DH, who has been sympathetic (but not too soft) and a very good listener this afternoon as I try to process everything.

[dragonfly08]

I have two girls, so I'm a little biased. But FWIW, I was thinking #1 was a boy right up until the a/s showed otherwise...same issues, low heart rate, ring on a string, general intuition. Only difference in my case was that I'd been hoping for a girl in the first place (boys scared the stuffing out of me!) so I didn't have feelings of disappointment to deal with. It's ok that you have them. You had started bonding with your child in one way and now that has to change. You need time to process it.

I did not get a lot of pink frilly stuff at my shower, and it was known that I was having a girl. If you want to make sure that happens for you, just don't share. Nobody needs to know you've found it. If you do want to tell, and you get stuff you don't care for, a lot of it can be exchanged for clothing you're more partial to. I think most of my gifts came with gift receipts, plus many stores will do an exchange even without one. Worst case you've got some gifts put by for future showers you're invited to, or some donations you can take a tax break on. Or clothes you can use when you kid does really messy stuff and you don't care if the outfit gets ruined. :-)

I can't say anything personally about the boys v. girls thing. My sister, though, has two sons and one daughter and says they each have their challenges.

One last thing. If they put that beautiful baby in your arms and you *aren't* immediately overwhelmed with love...don't panic, that's normal too and doesn't reflect you you as a mom, or on any gender preference you should feel guilty about. Sometimes bonding just takes longer. Like I said, I *wanted* a daughter, was over the moon to have one, and while I loved her from even before she was born I didn't feel that huge wave of emotions until she was two or three weeks old. It took me time to adjust and really connect with her. But I got there, and so will you. Good luck, and congratulations!

[ladygrey]

And girl moms (especially pugz and jenny1980) - where do you buy most of your girl clothes? I really like some of the outfits I've seen on your daughters.

[caramia17]

First of all, I think you do need some time to process this. You were expecting one thing, and the reality is different than what you expected. It's ok to be a little out of sorts.

Next, I just want to say that I am not stereotypically girly in most ways, but I am thrilled about my little girl. I didn't know what we were having and actually strongly suspected boy, but she is perfect and perfect for us.

Non-girly things that we did:
-No pink nursery items. Green walls, dark furniture, blue/brown/green/yellow rug, blue chandelier light fixture.
-Her nickname (which we use exclusively) is a boy's name. Her full name is girly, but we call her only the shortened version of it. (Think "Sam" and "Samantha")
-We returned or donated immediately all things that said, "Diva, Princess, etc.". She even received a diaper cover that said, "Does this make my butt look big?" TRASH!
-We visited our alma maters and got her jerseys/sundresses, but no cheerleader stuff.
-No giant hairbows
-We read lots of books with cool, non-princessy heroines. "Violet the Pilot", "Olivia and the Fairy Princesses" (Olivia HATES princesses in this book), etc.
-We have mostly gender neutral toys and lost of planes, trains and automobiles for her to play with.

I do love a good dress and/or cute shoe and she has an (extensive) wardrobe that is mostly non-pink.

All of this to say, you are not doomed to frilly princess land if you have a girl. She will be special and unique and perfect and you will do your best to be her parent, whatever her likes/obsessions/crazy teen angst may be.

Good luck!

[ladygrey]

Feb 5, 2013 18:34:28 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

Feb 5, 2013 18:30:50 GMT -5 caramia17 said:

-We read lots of books with cool, non-princessy heroines. "Violet the Pilot", "Olivia and the Fairy Princesses" (Olivia HATES princesses in this book), etc.

Oh, you should get the Paperbag Princess by Robert Munsch.  Total anti-girly book.

I have that one! I was a camp counselor during college and used to read that to my campers before bedtime.

[caramia17]

Feb 5, 2013 18:34:28 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

Feb 5, 2013 18:30:50 GMT -5 caramia17 said:

-We read lots of books with cool, non-princessy heroines. "Violet the Pilot", "Olivia and the Fairy Princesses" (Olivia HATES princesses in this book), etc.

Oh, you should get the Paperbag Princess by Robert Munsch.  Total anti-girly book.

Love!  Adding to the list!

[pugz]

Feb 5, 2013 18:28:27 GMT -5 ladygrey said:

And girl moms (especially pugz and jenny1980) - where do you buy most of your girl clothes? I really like some of the outfits I've seen on your daughters.

I do a lot of her shopping at the twice a year consignment sales in my area, everything is sorted by size and I just go right past the pink and purple stuff and look at everything else  (I do like pink but HATE purple).

Gap has a lot of non-pink stuff and so does Old Navy.  Tea Collection stuff is adorable although a bit more expensive but they have some really unique items.  

I'd say over half of her clothing is from Carters.  I really like how you can mix and match their stuff and there is SO much to choose from.  Osh Kosh is another favorite.  I think once you start looking you'll see how much there is out there.  Online especially.  Stores tend to push the pink and the blue, but online you'll see so much more variety.  

I did get a lot of girl clothes at showers, but it was mostly sleepers and I don't really care much about those since she just wears them at night.  I prefer zippers over snaps though, but otherwise don't really care what they look like!

[MadamePresident]

Feb 5, 2013 18:25:58 GMT -5 ladygrey said:

Thanks, everyone. @vicmo, I am also glad that I still have the second half of pregnancy to process my feelings about this. I know that time will help, but right now it's still just a total shock and surprise.

I almost feel worse about my reaction to everything, rather than the fact that she is a girl. I think about all the women struggling with infertility and loss who would kill to be having a healthy baby of ANY gender, and it almost makes me sick to my stomach for feeling the way I do. Thankfully, I have a great support system in DH, who has been sympathetic (but not too soft) and a very good listener this afternoon as I try to process everything.

Sometimes I hate that we feel guilty for our feelings because other people have related bigger problems. I don't think its too uncommon to feel a little disappointed when things are not what you pictured, whether that  be a boy or girl, big or small, dark hair, light hair or no hair. I would only flame you if you said "I'm not having what I want so I'm going to give this kid up for adoption and try again."

[rikki]

Hugs! I am pretty sure that if I find out I am having a boy I will have the exact same feelings that you're describing.

I also know that you're going to be a great mom to your little girl! Be kind to yourself as you adjust to the news.

[kangaroo11]

In my circle, I have the only baby girl, so yes, people did love buying the girls clothes for us. I exchanged anything I hated and will toss what I wasn't able to get rid of yet.

We were team green, so her room and everything in it is green. In fact, one big reason I didn't want to know sex was to avoid feeling like everything had to be blue or pink based on the sex. It made us get creative when shopping.

Even now, we shop the boys section in the store to find awesome clothes that aren't girly. When looking for summer clothes, the girls section is filled with frilly stuff and dresses, so we picked out pants and t-shirts from the boys side.

My little girl got called a cute boy yesterday by an old man while we were out walking and I just smiled and said thanks.

[CloudBee]

I would start shopping so you have something tangible to get you excited about having a girl. Focus on a few things that are exactly what you want.

[barefootcontessa]

As a mother of four sons, boys have their own set of issues. When ever I feel disappointed, I try to focus on what I do have -- which it seems like you are trying to do. So I would just keep doing that. Also you do not need to share in advance the baby's sex if you want to avoid too much pink or whatever.

[Brie]

Feb 5, 2013 19:13:23 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

I would start shopping so you have something tangible to get you excited about having a girl. Focus on a few things that are exactly what you want.

I agree with this.

My H really wanted a girl, and it took him some time to process having a boy.  The night we found out, we went to Baby Gap and each picked out an outfit for C.  H found a really cute teeny tiny polo shirt onesie he loved and that really helped to get him excited. 

We also found that picking a name early helped.  We kept it secret, but once we knew it was a boy it helped me to bond with him as Charlie, not just nameless baby boy.

ETA: and eff the gender rules.  Girls don't have to wear pink.  My boy is currently rocking a pink pacifier that I bought because I liked that it had a cat on it, LOL.  If you like blue nurseries and boy clothes and sports, your girl can do all those things.  If anyone gives you shit for it, they can cram it.

[suburbanzookeeper]

Feb 5, 2013 19:36:11 GMT -5 Brie said:

Feb 5, 2013 19:13:23 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

I would start shopping so you have something tangible to get you excited about having a girl. Focus on a few things that are exactly what you want.

ETA: and eff the gender rules.  Girls don't have to wear pink.  My boy is currently rocking a pink pacifier that I bought because I liked that it had a cat on it, LOL.  If you like blue nurseries and boy clothes and sports, your girl can do all those things.  If anyone gives you shit for it, they can cram it.

We bought DD so many boy outfits because we wanted to or fit themes we liked (like dogs, pirates, etc). When we went back through her clothing we were able to fill up a large bin of gender neutral or boy clothes that we could reuse for this LO. Carters makes a lot of clothes for girls that are blue, orange, green, and other non-traditional "girl" colors.

I agree with the PPs - go shopping!

[Deleted]

Feb 5, 2013 19:36:11 GMT -5 Brie said:

We also found that picking a name early helped.  We kept it secret, but once we knew it was a boy it helped me to bond with him as Charlie, not just nameless baby boy.

Absolutely this.

With DD1 I was dead certain I was having a boy and even an early ultrasound I had (at 16 weeks) said boy. I wanted a boy and I always saw myself as more of a boy mom so the ultrasound was pretty much the shock of my life. Now I won't say I had gender disappointment; while I did have a preference, it wasn't a strong one. But it was an ENORMOUS shock to find out I was having a girl and I just felt WEIRD about it for a while. Each day got a little better and I got a little more used to the idea of a daughter instead of a son.

Anyway, the day of our anatomy scan we went home and made up a list of names and ended up choosing one from the list that same night to "try on." It stuck and is DD1's name. I felt like that process kind of got me excited about having a girl and helped me feel like I could get to know this baby all over again that I was so sure was a son but actually was a daughter. It was the number one thing that helped... that and time.

Interestingly I found that I didn't much care either way with this baby, and that's good because she's our last. When I was pregnant with my first I was adamant that I always wanted one of each but that I would make a better boy mom. But once the baby is born and you're holding her and being her mom every day, you'll realize that being a mom is so much more than being a "boy mom" or a "girl mom." Each kid is unique and presents his or her own challenges and thrills, and at least while they're little you can avoid pink and frilly stuff as much as you want. (DD was frequently mistaken for a boy while we were out and about because I never frilled her up.) 

DD2 going to be my last kid, we are certain we don't want a third. I will never get to be the awesome boy mom I thought I'd be. But I am going to have wonderful, well-rounded daughters who will surprise me every day and fill my life with adventures and joys as much as a boy ever would have. And your daughter, I promise, will be the exact same way.

[drloretta]

Not all girls (or their moms) are into pink and frilly. DD dresses like a boy half the time

Not all girls are hormonal teens who hate their parents. I always got along great with mine.

You just found out it's a girl. You just need some time to adjust to it. It won't happen overnight but it will happen.

[glitzy07]

This type of reaction is actually exactly why I decided that I want to find out the sex at the A/S.

We're still a few weeks away, but in my head I SO desperately want it to be a girl. However, at the same time I find myself thinking that it's probably a boy because I sort of feel like I won't get what I want. Because of this, I think finding out the sex at 20 weeks will give me time to "mourn" (if you will) if it happens to be a boy. I feel terrible whenever I say that, but the truth is that I'd rather get the disappointment over with at 20 weeks than when they hand me my baby in the delivery room.

[Deleted]

I think you can have a girl without being overly frilly. My nursery is navy blue and tan. I also shop at baby gap a lot and buy from the boys section. A lot if the boys things are very gender neutral. My friend also gave me some cute stuff from Tommy Hilfiger that's really all American and not overly frilly.

[7costanza]

I'm afraid this in going to be me in a couple weeks, but if baby is a boy instead of a girl. I am trying to prepare myself for either, but I have such a strong feeling its a girl that I'm scared I will be disappointed if its a boy. Plus today my H told me he wants the nursery to be decorated with the local NFL team stuff if its a boy and that sounds so ugly.

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly right now, I'm positive the feeling will pass but maybe you just need to be sad about it for a while in order to get to the other side and be excited about your little girl. Hugs.

[MrsDarcy]

All of this advice is so kind, and so spot on. We were team green last time, and both my husband and I thought it was a girl, and I really wanted a girl (at some point), so when he wasn't a girl I was really surprised and taken aback, and it took me some time to bond with him fully. We're finding out next time so I can come to terms with it if it's another boy. It really does make you feel like a horrible person and I get that, but we have to remember not to beat ourselves up about it. I'm going to try to anyway.

[Deleted]

Please see thread on Little House on the Prairie on PCE. That made me wish Gizmo was a girl. Also no socks filled with semen or inappropriately long showers. There are non pink girl clothes, I promise.

But ditto everyone. These feelings are normal and you have plenty of time to process them.

[Deleted]

Ditto Hens. Don't be too hard on yourself. I know I will be a little disappointed if I find out baby #2 is a boy next week. H and I keep inadvertently referring to her as a girl - mostly because we already have one.

I'm not a girly girl, definitely didn't want all pink, and still really wanted a girl the first time around. We buy almost all of her clothes at Hanna Andersson (mostly gifts), old navy, and some Target stuff. None of it is frilly (although a lot of it are dresses b/c that's DD's preference - check out the HA play dresses - they're great).

[aspentosh]

I was convinced I was having a boy (similar reasoning to you). I was dead set on it since I am tomboy and not girly at all. Well, she was a girl. I can tell you, I love her more than anything and she is so much fun. No, she's not in pink with frills and headbands... She wears blue and some more boyish outfits. As she gets older I am sure this will change, but for now it's fun!

Like others have said, give yourself some time to get used to it.