Hi all. New to this board..feeling a bit alone and lost.
Currently married to my HS sweetheart who is bi. I found his profile on a gay hookup site and we're now in counseling. Is anyone here in a similar spot?
I'm blogging about it now, if you're interested in more info
He says he didn't cheat/hookup...more got off on the idea of it.
Well that's great for him that you believe that.
Look, I don't know him from Adam so don't know if his trustworthiness is unassailable in all matters of life including extramarital online prowling. But, yanno, it just doesn't look or sound good given the rest of your (hopefully) long lives as a presumably monogamous married couple that he wouldn't ever let his curiosities or impluses cross a line that he seems willing to have already crossed to some degree.
Because there's a reason you found this on your own, and it's because he didn't tell you about it.
And just so you know, gay hookup sites aren't about vicarious thrills -- they're about hooking the fuck up.
Post by fussbucket on Feb 19, 2013 22:51:32 GMT -5
I think you should check out some of these sites more closely and see how many guys are making themselves available at the office or on their lunch hour.
He says he didn't cheat/hookup...more got off on the idea of it.
Well that's great for him that you believe that.
Look, I don't know him from Adam so don't know if his trustworthiness is unassailable in all matters of life including extramarital online prowling. But, yanno, it just doesn't look or sound good given the rest of your (hopefully) long lives as a presumably monogamous married couple that he wouldn't ever let his curiosities or impluses cross a line that he seems willing to have already crossed to some degree.
Because there's a reason you found this on your own, and it's because he didn't tell you about it.
And just so you know, gay hookup sites aren't about vicarious thrills -- they're about hooking the fuck up.
Fussbucket is very wise!
I also think individual counseling for you as well.
Post by wrathofkuus on Feb 20, 2013 7:20:57 GMT -5
I guess I'm just not sure what you're asking. It seems like you don't trust him, with good reason, and want to know if it's okay to be done or if you have to indulge this kind of fuckery because he's bi. Is that what you're asking? If so, yes, it 's more than okay to be done - it's almost the only reasonable thing to do here.
Are you in individual counseling? A good counselor will help you see your way through this.
It honestly doesn't matter if he cheated physically or not. He put up a profile on those sites, to me that would scream "He wants to hook up with someone else, he either hasn't yet or just hasn't gotten caught."
His being bisexual isn't even an issue. You can be monogamous and bisexual.
I have a bi-friend where she was married to a man for years and was completely monogamous because, well, SHE WAS MARRIED! Sexual orientation has nothing to do with being a lying cheater. Being a lying cheater is what makes you lie and cheat, not your sexual orientation.
I've known he was bi since shortly after we began dating. It was never an issue until I found the profile on the site. I didn't have suspisions of him cheating, I found it in his browser recent history.
I guess I'm pointing out the bi factor because it feels huge, like he could cheat on me with a man or woman. I just feel very lost and alone and was wondering if anyone's ever been able to overcome a situation like this and stay married. Divorce is a last resort for me.
Not at all. I'm not promoting that blog, just need a place to write everything out bit figured I could give you all more insight to my situation with that post
There you will find perspectives from people who discovered infidelity and decided not to stay, people who discovered infidelity and tried to work through it (and how they did it), and people who discovered infidelity and tried and failed to work through it. All you can do from here is establish and enforce boundaries you are comfortable with. Ultimately it's up to your H if he wants to respect them. I see no reason for hope here in the long run given the surreptitious and damning nature of his actions, but it's your life and your decision how you want to proceed for you. Just understand you're only in control of your own actions here. Ultimately you can't stop him from cruising online or elsewhere if that's really what he wants to do with himself.
People stay married all the time after a spouse cheats. That doesn't mean they should. It's a personal decision you have to make, and individual counseling will help you with that.
Another piece of advice: the "divorce is a last resort" thing is incredibly insulting. Find me someone who used it as a first resort, please and thank you.
There you will find perspectives from people who discovered infidelity and decided not to stay, people who discovered infidelity and tried to work through it (and how they did it), and people who discovered infidelity and tried and failed to work through it. All you can do from here is establish and enforce boundaries you are comfortable with. Ultimately it's up to your H if he wanots to respect them. I see no reason for hope here in the long run given the surreptitious and damning nature of his actions, but it's your life and your decision how you want to proceed for you. Just understand you're only in control of your own actions here. Ultimately you can't stop him from cruising online or elsewhere if that's really what he wants to do with himself.
Post by fussbucket on Feb 20, 2013 11:03:24 GMT -5
But cruising gay hookup sites behind your wife's back is not failing somehow? Like somehow YOU'D have instigated all this by asking for a divorce from someone who is at the very least laying the groundwork for cheating behind you and your child's back and at worst has been actively hooking up with random people?
How I was raised and how my mind works. Getting a divorce is failing to me.
I think perhaps you should get some individual counseling for yourself. Staying in an unhealthy relationship because it's how you were raised and how your mind works isn't a good thing.
Post by starrieskies on Feb 20, 2013 13:44:58 GMT -5
I'm confused by this on so many levels, but all in all, I think fuss and everyone else has given you some great advice!
I agree that your spouse being bi really isn't the issue here. I think it's an overall lack of trust. Whether or not you can continue to live with that lack of trust is completely your decision. But I have to ask, why were you snooping around in the recent history on his computer if you weren't suspicious of something in the first place?
Marriage is based on mutual trust and respect. Your DH has neither for you, based on his behavior. What would it take for you to trust him? REALLY trust him? He does not have it in him, I can tell you that. Yes, marriage is designed to be a lifelong commitment, but your DH has boken your vows - not you. You are blameless for his actions. Do NOT sacrifice your life for this kind of shitty treatment. Move on and find someone who will honor his vows and treat you well.
How I was raised and how my mind works. Getting a divorce is failing to me.
But staying in a marriage with a man who actively cheats on you and turning a blind eye to it screams "SUCCESS!" to you? Do you get a medal when you die for staying in a sham marriage and being miserable for your entire life?
Post by PinkSquirrel on Feb 21, 2013 11:20:41 GMT -5
Gay hook up sites are no joke and the fact that he hid it from you when you've been really accepting of his bisexuality makes it just as not ok as if he was trolling okcupid.