How should I handle this?

[cleo29]

If I had already started snooping because my gut was telling me something was off, I would want to go into a talk with as much info as possible. But that's just me. If someone is going to deny something simple like a deleted text or whatever, I would want something else to bring up to see how they explain it, this is assuming you have more than one thing that pinging on your radar.

And I agree with a lot of people here, this doesn't mean is he being physically intimate with this woman, but it seems that things might be going in an inappropriate direction for a person who is married. And I stand by my statement of reversing the situation when you are calmly talking to him. It's amazing how many people are totally fine when they are doing something but if it is their bf/gf/spouse, THEN it is a major problem.

Sparkle, have either of you seen anyone to help you work through your terrible loss? I can't imagine how hard that would be and I think at some point, the pain/anger/confusion/guilt would become a terrible burden to carry.

[sparkle3810]

Mar 11, 2013 10:19:19 GMT -5 @damnation said:

Sparkle, what was your H's reaction to her ignoring you both last night? Or did he notice?

We didn't discuss it.

[sparkle3810]

Mar 11, 2013 10:22:02 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

If I had already started snooping because my gut was telling me something was off, I would want to go into a talk with as much info as possible. But that's just me. If someone is going to deny something simple like a deleted text or whatever, I would want something else to bring up to see how they explain it, this is assuming you have more than one thing that pinging on your radar.

And I agree with a lot of people here, this doesn't mean is he being physically intimate with this woman, but it seems that things might be going in an inappropriate direction for a person who is married. And I stand by my statement of reversing the situation when you are calmly talking to him. It's amazing how many people are totally fine when they are doing something but if it is their bf/gf/spouse, THEN it is a major problem.

Sparkle, have either of you seen anyone to help you work through your terrible loss? I can't imagine how hard that would be and I think at some point, the pain/anger/confusion/guilt would become a terrible burden to carry.

I've done this, and it has been helpful. 

And yes, I'm seeing a counselor.  He is not.

[cleo29]

Mar 11, 2013 10:26:03 GMT -5 sparkle3810 said:

Mar 11, 2013 10:22:02 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

If I had already started snooping because my gut was telling me something was off, I would want to go into a talk with as much info as possible. But that's just me. If someone is going to deny something simple like a deleted text or whatever, I would want something else to bring up to see how they explain it, this is assuming you have more than one thing that pinging on your radar.

And I agree with a lot of people here, this doesn't mean is he being physically intimate with this woman, but it seems that things might be going in an inappropriate direction for a person who is married. And I stand by my statement of reversing the situation when you are calmly talking to him. It's amazing how many people are totally fine when they are doing something but if it is their bf/gf/spouse, THEN it is a major problem.

Sparkle, have either of you seen anyone to help you work through your terrible loss? I can't imagine how hard that would be and I think at some point, the pain/anger/confusion/guilt would become a terrible burden to carry.

I've done this, and it has been helpful. 

And yes, I'm seeing a counselor.  He is not.

Well, he might need to. I think men tend to get lost in the shuffle when these things happen. Not that it is done on purpose, but it just sort of happens. And I am not saying you have done anything to make him feel this way either. But, maybe running is his therapy. Do you think he might feel like he can't talk to you about it, even if he wanted to?

I hope you get some clarity on the situation soon. (((((((((Sparkle)))))))))))

[Tacocat]

Why is he not going to counseling with you? I'd be concerned about that part too. Maybe running is his therapy, but then he is running with a 25 single woman. That just rubs me the wrong way.

[adamantium]

I think you are both on eggshells. You didn't talk about the girl ignoring you on the way home. Why not? You've experienced a traumatic loss and need to be able to go through the emotions together. One of the most therapeutic things for us was to be able to say all of the dark, morbid, scary and horrible thoughts we we feeling. Has he let any emotions out? The fact that you didn't discuss the strange behavior is telling, IMO. Make a list if you need to and talk to him, let the conversation go wherever it takes you. This might not even be about the running coach. His behavior is shady and you can't keep that in with everything else you are going through.

[sparkle3810]

Mar 11, 2013 10:47:08 GMT -5 Tacocat said:

Why is he not going to counseling with you? I'd be concerned about that part too. Maybe running is his therapy, but then he is running with a 25 single woman. That just rubs me the wrong way.

Him not going to counseling with me is a non-issue for me.  We grieve differently.  Throughout it all, he has been my rock - I can absolutely cry and be angry and sad and mad and guilty and scared -- he is the only person who understands it the way I do.

I do think running is his therapy which is why I've not discouraged it.  It crossed a line when it went from professional to personal, and yeah, it rubs me the wrong way too.  He knows this - it all came up when we discussed if after she invited him to the concert.

[sparkle3810]

Mar 11, 2013 11:01:59 GMT -5 mofongo said:

How could you not discuss her ignoring you?? You have much more restraint than me, lol. I agree with the majority and still feel the way I did yesterday about it. I would also ask him to stop running with her.

Is her number not saved in his phone, at all?

Not under her first name.  I didn't go through his contact list though, so it could have been saved as Coach Firstname or something. 

Honestly, I was drunk last night.  I don't know why I didn't bring it up, but I didn't.  My motives in going to the thing were to get a better feel for their relationship, not to be buddies with her.  It was a test, really.  It is now clear that she has no intention of being friends with both of us.

I'll talk to him about it again tonight. 

[chalupabatman]

I'm just catching up, but I think you really need to discuss with your counselor why you are feeling insecure. My hunch is that there is a lack of emotional intimacy, so while something like this you could handle comfortably, it now feels bigger and more threatening.

If he's being your rock, he isn't allowing himself to grieve. Even though he's supporting you, he isn't being emotionally vulnerable himself and that will take a toll on your marriage.

What if you approached counseling as you needing him to go so that he can help you work on your emotional support system?

DH regularly hangs out with women solo in a work context. He has had dinner or drinks several times with a woman who I know was cheating on her husband with another of their coworkers. The only time it makes me insecure is when other things are going on where I don't feel as close to him as normal. I imagine you are really hurt, vulnerable, and unsure of things right now. Its completely fine to feel that way, but acknowledge those feelings in your relationship and work through them together. Otherwise they can be the start of a rift.

If he was cheating I doubt he would mention her to you and ask for permission to go to these things. It sounds like he is looking for something to fill the void....this new activity and social circle helps fill that void, but its natural you would feel somewhat left our or left behind by it.

[thebamker]

Mar 11, 2013 11:06:32 GMT -5 sparkle3810 said:

Mar 11, 2013 11:01:59 GMT -5 mofongo said:

How could you not discuss her ignoring you?? You have much more restraint than me, lol. I agree with the majority and still feel the way I did yesterday about it. I would also ask him to stop running with her.

Is her number not saved in his phone, at all?

Not under her first name.  I didn't go through his contact list though, so it could have been saved as Coach Firstname or something. 

Honestly, I was drunk last night.  I don't know why I didn't bring it up, but I didn't.  My motives in going to the thing were to get a better feel for their relationship, not to be buddies with her.  It was a test, really.  It is now clear that she has no intention of being friends with both of us.

I'll talk to him about it again tonight. 

I would bring it up like this:

"you know - I was thinking about how weird it was that coach invited us to that BBQ but basically only said hello and goodbye.  Isn't that kind of rude? Why would you invite someone and not speak to them while they're there?"

[Jalapeñomel]

Mar 11, 2013 8:12:19 GMT -5 sparkle3810 said:

We went.

She said hello when we arrived and goodbye when we left and ignored us for the two hours in between.

I'm really regretting that we went. I feel like I've now set up the mentality that a non-professional relationship is ok, when I shouldn't have done that. It was a drunken decision that I now regret.

I know he had texted her yesterday to get the address. Again, the texts have been deleted. I don't know what to make of that. It feels like he is hiding it.

Is it at all possible that she wasn´t actually ignoring you, that she was socializing with other people and didn´t get around to chatting with you?

[Uppity Man]

Mar 10, 2013 15:04:22 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Hmm, I feel like she's kind of hitting on him and he's enjoying the attention/playing with fire a bit. It should be a red flag to HIM that his wife didn't click with her and she's inviting him to events without you.

Mofongo nailed it perfectly.

[sparkythelawyer]

Admittedly, I've only made it to page 3, and I came in late.  I am not sure who you lost, but you have lost, and are grieving and for that I am truly sorry, and hope you find some peace.

I hate "my husband has a female friend" issues here.  It brings out the worst in us.  Because there's all this inherent "how dare he have a friend with a vagina.  People confide in their friends!  And I'm the only vagina I want him ever confiding in!" in the posts, no matter what. I have male friends, I was in my best guy friend's wedding and he's in mine.  And damn if I make sure I practically kiss his wife's ass so that I don't lose my friend simply because I am.not.male.  

That being said, your husband picked you, out of ALL THE OTHER WOMEN IN THE WORLD, to cling to.  To take your side, to have your back.  So if this person is making you uncomfortable, that should be the end of the discussion.  If she's making you so uncomfortable that you're checking your phone bills for text messages and scouting for his work phone, that's pretty damn uncomfortable.  He needs to know that you feel THIS strongly about her presence in your husbands life that it is affecting your ability to trust him, and take action to separate himself from her to the point that you feel comfortable again.  Even if it means finding a new running coach because really, at this point, she could probably invite you both everywhere and you really are not going to trust her intentions.

I am not sure if I read much in to the "I just don't get along with women" comment.  It took me until college to find a group of girlfriends.  But also, sometimes I see how I kind of struggle to find common ground with people this board and think to myself, "Maybe I really DON'T get along with women well."  But someone can not get along with women in general and still not end up sleeping with your husband.  

You know your husband best.  If you are that uncomfortable with this situation that you are losing your ability to trust him, then that is the conversation worth having.  I wish you all sorts of luck, happiness and peace.

[Deleted]

Please know that I am answering as a mother who has had a 3rd tri loss and because I know even the strongest relationships sometimes don't survive loss like that. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that their relationship makes you uncomfortable and that if something is going on between them he needs to tell you now so that you can move on. If he is not screwing around, you need to let him know your terms for their relationship if you choose to stay with him. You need him right now....his undivided attention. Hell, you need each OTHER in this to heal and the last thing you need to worry about is some chick shiny objecting his ass and providing an outlet while you're a crying mess (completely understandable)mourning the loss of your baby. If that doesn't work, you call her and tell her to leave him alone.

[sparkythelawyer]

would anyone here be upset if he was hanging out with his running guy friend and not inviting her along? Me thinks no.



Again what I said to her is that this woman makes her uncomfortable, and that should be the end of it as far as him hanging out with her is concerned.

[cleo29]

Mar 11, 2013 13:47:42 GMT -5 sparkythelawyer said:

Admittedly, I've only made it to page 3, and I came in late.  I am not sure who you lost, but you have lost, and are grieving and for that I am truly sorry, and hope you find some peace.

I hate "my husband has a female friend" issues here.  It brings out the worst in us.  Because there's all this inherent "how dare he have a friend with a vagina.  People confide in their friends!  And I'm the only vagina I want him ever confiding in!" in the posts, no matter what. I have male friends, I was in my best guy friend's wedding and he's in mine.  And damn if I make sure I practically kiss his wife's ass so that I don't lose my friend simply because I am.not.male.  

That being said, your husband picked you, out of ALL THE OTHER WOMEN IN THE WORLD, to cling to.  To take your side, to have your back.  So if this person is making you uncomfortable, that should be the end of the discussion.  If she's making you so uncomfortable that you're checking your phone bills for text messages and scouting for his work phone, that's pretty damn uncomfortable.  He needs to know that you feel THIS strongly about her presence in your husbands life that it is affecting your ability to trust him, and take action to separate himself from her to the point that you feel comfortable again.  Even if it means finding a new running coach because really, at this point, she could probably invite you both everywhere and you really are not going to trust her intentions.

I am not sure if I read much in to the "I just don't get along with women" comment.  It took me until college to find a group of girlfriends.  But also, sometimes I see how I kind of struggle to find common ground with people this board and think to myself, "Maybe I really DON'T get along with women well."  But someone can not get along with women in general and still not end up sleeping with your husband.  

You know your husband best.  If you are that uncomfortable with this situation that you are losing your ability to trust him, then that is the conversation worth having.  I wish you all sorts of luck, happiness and peace.

It says in her first post that she had a late term loss, as in third tri.  And no one is saying you can't have friends of the opposite sex.

[sparkle3810]

Mar 11, 2013 12:50:14 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

It's weird that he's deleting their texts.

It's not weird that he's looking for support somewhere. He won't go to counselling, and he's YOUR rock. Who is his rock? Does he have one? Is it usually you, but now you can't be, because of your own grief? This leaves him very vulnerable.
Marriages that suffer a big loss oftentimes go through very difficult times, for the reason that neither of you can be there for the other. What are the two of you doing to see to it that he feels nurtured and cared for?

Honestly, he doesn't discuss it.  He prefers to not talk about it.  I think the reason that this coach is an outlet is because she is one of the very few people who doesn't know.  I think running - and drinks - is an escape from reality.  He doesn't want a rock - he wants to pretend it didn't happen.
 
I have spoken with the counselor quite a bit in regards to how men and women grieve differently.  It is normal for him to stay quiet.  He and I have discussed this and he knows that when/if he needs me, I can be strong for him. 

[hoobs]

Mar 11, 2013 13:47:42 GMT -5 sparkythelawyer said:

Admittedly, I've only made it to page 3, and I came in late.  I am not sure who you lost, but you have lost, and are grieving and for that I am truly sorry, and hope you find some peace.

I hate "my husband has a female friend" issues here.  It brings out the worst in us.  Because there's all this inherent "how dare he have a friend with a vagina.  People confide in their friends!  And I'm the only vagina I want him ever confiding in!" in the posts, no matter what. I have male friends, I was in my best guy friend's wedding and he's in mine.  And damn if I make sure I practically kiss his wife's ass so that I don't lose my friend simply because I am.not.male.  

That being said, your husband picked you, out of ALL THE OTHER WOMEN IN THE WORLD, to cling to.  To take your side, to have your back.  So if this person is making you uncomfortable, that should be the end of the discussion.  If she's making you so uncomfortable that you're checking your phone bills for text messages and scouting for his work phone, that's pretty damn uncomfortable.  He needs to know that you feel THIS strongly about her presence in your husbands life that it is affecting your ability to trust him, and take action to separate himself from her to the point that you feel comfortable again.  Even if it means finding a new running coach because really, at this point, she could probably invite you both everywhere and you really are not going to trust her intentions.

I am not sure if I read much in to the "I just don't get along with women" comment.  It took me until college to find a group of girlfriends.  But also, sometimes I see how I kind of struggle to find common ground with people this board and think to myself, "Maybe I really DON'T get along with women well."  But someone can not get along with women in general and still not end up sleeping with your husband.  

You know your husband best.  If you are that uncomfortable with this situation that you are losing your ability to trust him, then that is the conversation worth having.  I wish you all sorts of luck, happiness and peace.

I think the reason your fiance and your bff's fiance is secure is that they don't really believe anyone else wants to fuck you.

And nice job debasing women and breaking us down to our most common denominator: vagaina

[cleo29]

Mar 11, 2013 13:57:36 GMT -5 sparkle3810 said:

Mar 11, 2013 12:50:14 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

It's weird that he's deleting their texts.

It's not weird that he's looking for support somewhere. He won't go to counselling, and he's YOUR rock. Who is his rock? Does he have one? Is it usually you, but now you can't be, because of your own grief? This leaves him very vulnerable.
Marriages that suffer a big loss oftentimes go through very difficult times, for the reason that neither of you can be there for the other. What are the two of you doing to see to it that he feels nurtured and cared for?

Honestly, he doesn't discuss it.  He prefers to not talk about it.  I think the reason that this coach is an outlet is because she is one of the very few people who doesn't know.  I think running - and drinks - is an escape from reality.  He doesn't want a rock - he wants to pretend it didn't happen.
 
I have spoken with the counselor quite a bit in regards to how men and women grieve differently.  It is normal for him to stay quiet.  He and I have discussed this and he knows that when/if he needs me, I can be strong for him. 

I don't think pretending it never happened is really healthy. He's running from the truth, no pun intended, and while I get the need for that, he can't do it forever. It's going to catch up with him at some point.

[sparkle3810]

Mar 11, 2013 14:03:01 GMT -5 livvy81 said:

Ok, let's say he is not doing anything inappropriate with his female friend/coach. Why is he deleting his text msgs to her? He clearly suspects that Sparkle might check his phone. So if his messages to her just said "Hey bud, can't make it to the BBQ. See you on our run tomorrow," then he would LEAVE those messages on his phone so that Sparkle would see them and be reassured that all is kosher. Think through this logicaly. It's prett simple.

My plan was to have a conversation tonight and let him know that the BBQ was basically a test.  I wanted to see how this chick would respond to me, and she made it clear that she isn't interested in knowing me.  I don't care if they continue to run together, but I'd prefer that the relationship not extend beyond that.  The "I'm not friends with other girls" thing, and the fact that I'm not invited and not welcomed, is a red flag.

But.  It doesn't explain the deleted messages.  I can't decide whether it is a big deal or not.  In all reality, I've deleted messages from my own phone.  Nothing shady was going on, but I've rekindled toxic friendships that needed to stay in the past.  Maybe he did realize that their relationship was hurting me (he knows this after the talk last week) and so he is wiping his hands of it.  Or maybe there is something to hide.  I don't know.  The thing is, I really believe that he is a good person and wouldn't go outside the marriage - physically or emotionally.  Maybe the loss has tested us, but we are in a good place together.  Again, maybe I'm naive.

[pantsparty]

Mar 11, 2013 14:20:20 GMT -5 sparkle3810 said:

Mar 11, 2013 14:03:01 GMT -5 livvy81 said:

Ok, let's say he is not doing anything inappropriate with his female friend/coach. Why is he deleting his text msgs to her? He clearly suspects that Sparkle might check his phone. So if his messages to her just said "Hey bud, can't make it to the BBQ. See you on our run tomorrow," then he would LEAVE those messages on his phone so that Sparkle would see them and be reassured that all is kosher. Think through this logicaly. It's prett simple.

My plan was to have a conversation tonight and let him know that the BBQ was basically a test.  I wanted to see how this chick would respond to me, and she made it clear that she isn't interested in knowing me.  I don't care if they continue to run together, but I'd prefer that the relationship not extend beyond that.  The "I'm not friends with other girls" thing, and the fact that I'm not invited and not welcomed, is a red flag.

But.  It doesn't explain the deleted messages.  I can't decide whether it is a big deal or not.  In all reality, I've deleted messages from my own phone.  Nothing shady was going on, but I've rekindled toxic friendships that needed to stay in the past.  Maybe he did realize that their relationship was hurting me (he knows this after the talk last week) and so he is wiping his hands of it.  Or maybe there is something to hide.  I don't know.  The thing is, I really believe that he is a good person and wouldn't go outside the marriage - physically or emotionally.  Maybe the loss has tested us, but we are in a good place together.  Again, maybe I'm naive.

Uh...I would not phrase it this way. You are putting him "on trial," and he's immediately going to get defensive.

I would just say you found it odd that they are spending so much time together, and that she did not make an effort to talk to the two of you more. I would be even more honest and say it's odd for someone to invite you to non-running-related social gatherings without your spouse. That's the truth, and it sounds like that's how you view it. Then give him room to think about it and respond. His reaction should tell you a lot.

[sparkythelawyer]

Mar 11, 2013 14:20:20 GMT -5 sparkle3810 said:

Mar 11, 2013 14:03:01 GMT -5 livvy81 said:

Ok, let's say he is not doing anything inappropriate with his female friend/coach. Why is he deleting his text msgs to her? He clearly suspects that Sparkle might check his phone. So if his messages to her just said "Hey bud, can't make it to the BBQ. See you on our run tomorrow," then he would LEAVE those messages on his phone so that Sparkle would see them and be reassured that all is kosher. Think through this logicaly. It's prett simple.

My plan was to have a conversation tonight and let him know that the BBQ was basically a test.  I wanted to see how this chick would respond to me, and she made it clear that she isn't interested in knowing me.  I don't care if they continue to run together, but I'd prefer that the relationship not extend beyond that.  The "I'm not friends with other girls" thing, and the fact that I'm not invited and not welcomed, is a red flag.

But.  It doesn't explain the deleted messages.  I can't decide whether it is a big deal or not.  In all reality, I've deleted messages from my own phone.  Nothing shady was going on, but I've rekindled toxic friendships that needed to stay in the past.  Maybe he did realize that their relationship was hurting me (he knows this after the talk last week) and so he is wiping his hands of it.  Or maybe there is something to hide.  I don't know.  The thing is, I really believe that he is a good person and wouldn't go outside the marriage - physically or emotionally.  Maybe the loss has tested us, but we are in a good place together.  Again, maybe I'm naive.

I think this is a good plan. Good luck!

[sparkythelawyer]

Mar 11, 2013 13:58:04 GMT -5 hoobs said:

Mar 11, 2013 13:47:42 GMT -5 sparkythelawyer said:

Admittedly, I've only made it to page 3, and I came in late.  I am not sure who you lost, but you have lost, and are grieving and for that I am truly sorry, and hope you find some peace.

I hate "my husband has a female friend" issues here.  It brings out the worst in us.  Because there's all this inherent "how dare he have a friend with a vagina.  People confide in their friends!  And I'm the only vagina I want him ever confiding in!" in the posts, no matter what. I have male friends, I was in my best guy friend's wedding and he's in mine.  And damn if I make sure I practically kiss his wife's ass so that I don't lose my friend simply because I am.not.male.  

That being said, your husband picked you, out of ALL THE OTHER WOMEN IN THE WORLD, to cling to.  To take your side, to have your back.  So if this person is making you uncomfortable, that should be the end of the discussion.  If she's making you so uncomfortable that you're checking your phone bills for text messages and scouting for his work phone, that's pretty damn uncomfortable.  He needs to know that you feel THIS strongly about her presence in your husbands life that it is affecting your ability to trust him, and take action to separate himself from her to the point that you feel comfortable again.  Even if it means finding a new running coach because really, at this point, she could probably invite you both everywhere and you really are not going to trust her intentions.

I am not sure if I read much in to the "I just don't get along with women" comment.  It took me until college to find a group of girlfriends.  But also, sometimes I see how I kind of struggle to find common ground with people this board and think to myself, "Maybe I really DON'T get along with women well."  But someone can not get along with women in general and still not end up sleeping with your husband.  

You know your husband best.  If you are that uncomfortable with this situation that you are losing your ability to trust him, then that is the conversation worth having.  I wish you all sorts of luck, happiness and peace.

I think the reason your fiance and your bff's fiance is secure is that they don't really believe anyone else wants to fuck you.

And nice job debasing women and breaking us down to our most common denominator: vagaina

Well there is that, Hoobs. Its well established I'm a fatty ;D

[partiallysunny]

I wouldn't tell him the BBQ was a test.

Just tell him you are uncomfortable with the friendship. You don't mind if they run together, but would appreciate it if he limited the social interaction afterward.

I think seeing how he reacts to that will give you the answer you need.

[thebamker]

yeah - don't say you were testing him, just say you've been thinking about last night and you find it weird and uncomfortable that blah.blah.blah.

Don't set it up that you were looking for it.

and I know it's been disputed, but I would NOT say anything about the texts yet. See how he reacts to this conversation and bring it up in a couple weeks, if you want, after you've kept an eye on it.

One last thing. You keep saying you trust him and you know he wouldn't cheat. If you KNOW this, what is the problem? I don't get it. If I know someone wouldn't cheat, I wouldn't be upset. If I only HOPED they wouldn't cheat, I'd be doing what you're doing right now. I'm confused.

[sparkle3810]

Mar 11, 2013 14:35:30 GMT -5 thebamker said:

One last thing. You keep saying you trust him and you know he wouldn't cheat. If you KNOW this, what is the problem? I don't get it. If I know someone wouldn't cheat, I wouldn't be upset. If I only HOPED they wouldn't cheat, I'd be doing what you're doing right now. I'm confused.

I really don't think he would.  But he is clearly hiding something from me, which I also wouldn't have expected.  I don't know what to think.

[thebamker]

Mar 11, 2013 14:38:16 GMT -5 sparkle3810 said:

Mar 11, 2013 14:35:30 GMT -5 thebamker said:

One last thing. You keep saying you trust him and you know he wouldn't cheat. If you KNOW this, what is the problem? I don't get it. If I know someone wouldn't cheat, I wouldn't be upset. If I only HOPED they wouldn't cheat, I'd be doing what you're doing right now. I'm confused.

I really don't think he would.  But he is clearly hiding something from me, which I also wouldn't have expected.  I don't know what to think.

ok - that's fair.  So you're feeling uncomfortable b/c this has upset the certainty that you felt before?  makes senses

[Deleted]

Sparkle, I'll start by saying I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how painful that is, for both of you.

I'm also very sorry to hear that while not necessarily cheating, your husband may be starting down a very slippery slope.

The fact that there are deleted texts, conversations, etc., does concern me as people with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Whether it was because he wanted a clean start or there is some other shady reason, how are you to know?

Clearly, he's in an emotionally vulnerable state and in some ways, I feel any loss but especially this kind of tragic loss - is harder for men - they are supposed to be stoic (at least where the rest of the world is concerned - stereotypical or not) and it's very hard for him, I'm sure. Not harder than you, just different, and women just seem better able to cope with emotional pain. Go figure.

And I've seen it happen in my workplace. One of the strongest couples I knew who just oozed absolute love for each other, sadly lost their child at the age of eight. He was paired with a woman - single - on a project and in his rush to run away from the pain of losing his child, within a matter of months, he was down that slope, sliding headlong into an emotional affair and worse, it turned physical. Unfortunately, they couldn't survive two blows of this magnitude and are now divorced.

Your husband clearly needs someone to talk to and I get men don't talk about their feelings (and trust, I know from experience as my husband didn't want to go to counseling when we had our marital shitstorm but it was that or divorce). Perhaps he could go with you to a session, even if he just sits there, and absorbs what's being discussed. But running away from his problems is not an option here.

Setting aside the fears of an emotional or other affair for a moment, the fact that you are not OK with him spending time with her in a 1:1 situation should mean GAME OVER for his interactions with her in this regard. No matter how innocent it may very well be. I mean, it's really very simple - whose feelings should he be concerned with, this coach or the woman he took vows with?

You know the answer to that one and so does he.

((Hugs))

[fivechickens]

Livvy's certainty that your husband is cheating is annoying me. Deleting messages off a phone does not automatically mean he cheated. It is possibly that he deleted them after he realized that Sparkle was concerned about this coach because sometimes even an innocent message can be more when a spouse if feeling insecure. I would try hard not to speculate on the 'whys' and find out from him his reasoning behind it.

Also, I am so sorry for your loss. That is something no parent should ever have to go through.

[sparkle3810]

Mar 11, 2013 15:07:49 GMT -5 fivechickens said:

Livvy's certainty that your husband is cheating is annoying me. Deleting messages off a phone does not automatically mean he cheated. It is possibly that he deleted them after he realized that Sparkle was concerned about this coach because sometimes even an innocent message can be more when a spouse if feeling insecure. I would try hard not to speculate on the 'whys' and find out from him his reasoning behind it.

Also, I am so sorry for your loss. That is something no parent should ever have to go through.

It was Thursday afternoon when she invited him to the Saturday concert.  He originally accepted and that is when they exchanged phone numbers (the running stuff is communicated through the group).  It was Thursday evening when I found out and broke down.

H told her that night that he wasn't going.  I was with him, or in the same house anyway, all night -- which is why I assume it was through text.  I know he texted her yesterday to get the address of the BBQ.  Other than those, I don't think he spent much time in contact with her.  I was with him all weekend.

At this point, I'm not sure whether I will bring up the missing texts.