Tell me if I'm a bad friend (updated!)

[whitemerlot]

I would be pretty disappointed if I were your friend.

[CloudBee]

Yeah, I would be pretty upset. It usually costs several hundred dollars to change flights. And she probably has a work schedule she has to alter now, too?



ETA:  She may not even want to come now, as she'll be all alone basically the entire time... But if she cancels, she'll most definitely lose money on that flight, or have a big chunk of money tied up for a future flight somewhere she may not have any plans of taking.

[luvmagoldn]

If I were your friend I would be disappointed too - but it's work. It's not like you are throwing her over for another friend or leisure trip.

Hopefully she can change her ticket. Maybe you could offer to pay for or split any change fees?

[Deleted]

I would also be upset.

[mrssavy42112]

I would be upset too. I can't just change plans at my job that easily, so I would likely have to cancel the trip & be out the money.

[Deleted]

A friend was going to fly halfway around the world to visit with you and now you're making her fend for herself?  That's pretty awful.  Like, friendship-ending awful.

At the very least, your thousand dollars should go towards her change fees.

[Deleted]

I'd be really upset if I was her. Honestly, I'd probably cancel the trip all together.

[Deleted]

I would also be upset.

I would see if there's work you can do ahead of time to try to free some time while she's there.

I think the rub here is that it's voluntary - you could have turned it down and elected to not do so.

[countthestars]

Yikes. I would be really upset. Who wants to visit a friend halfway across the world and not actually know if you'll see them?

[raangoli]

I would be upset/disappointed as well. I understand that it's a great opportunity for you, but travel plans often cannot be changed easily. I know when I take a bigger vacation, a lot of things have to be planned in advance and to change them with short notice can be difficult and costly.

I agree that she may not even want to come at all now. ETA: I know I wouldn't.

[kadams767]

I would be pretty upset if someone did this to me. And I am a pretty independent traveler, but this is too much even for me.

[CallingAllAngels]

I agree with everyone else. I would be really upset.

[CloudBee]

What is she going to do alone during the days now? I can see spending 4-5 days in a city alone if I had agreed to it in advance. But now spending every single day alone? In South Africa where she's not familiar with her surroundings, and no longer has a friend who can show her around at least for a day or two at first? I feel bad for her. I would have assumed during your couple days off from work the two of you would have gone to the beach, or driven a few hours out for a touristy day-safari, or done something with a real exciting bang to make those days alone worth it. But now she's got to fend for herself alone or lose money.

I'm sad just thinking about it.

[CloudBee]

Wait - she told you she was coming, and did not ask?

Is she staying in a hotel or with you?

[lime]

I'm a pretty independent traveler, too, but I'd be upset if I came to see you and you couldn't see me hardly at all. Plus, you'll be exhausted after each day of work and not exactly up for a lot of adventure before needing to rest for the next day.

I'd looking into cancelling the trip if I were her. If the ticket was non refundable, I'd go, but it would probably affect our friendship long term.

[dexteroni]

Yeah, sorry but that was kind of shitty from a friendship standpoint. I do think paying her flight change fees would be the only way to try to save this. But before she changes anything, find out from your boss how much prep is required beforehand. Because if she changes her flights to the week before and you're busy that week too, that would be like a "thanks for nothing, ex-friend" situation.

[CloudBee]

Mar 14, 2013 15:58:23 GMT -5 @blessed said:

Mar 14, 2013 15:52:16 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

Wait - she told you she was coming, and did not ask?

Is she staying in a hotel or with you?

Yes she told me. Which is fine with me, I'm laid back like that. I think she plans to stay at a hotel because she can get a discount, but not sure.

I think I feel a little differently now, because it sounds like she was more in the mindset of "I'm coming to Cape Town on XX dates, FYI, let's get together", vs. "can I come visit while you're out there and have you be my guide, and spend a week with you?"

[dexteroni]

Mar 14, 2013 15:51:20 GMT -5 @blessed said:

Well to be fair, I didn't make plans for her to visit. Pretty much out of the blue she said, "I'm going to come to Cape Town for my birthday."

Oh - this does make it slightly less bad. But you should still pay her change fees, and try to take more than 2 days off when she does end up coming.

[Roc A Bee]

You should either pay for her to change her trip, or not take on this additional work project. I'd be pissed if I were her.

[bronxgirl]

I would be really upset. If she's able to change her flight and her work plans, I think you should offer to pay for the change fees.

ETA: I posted this before I read that she made her plans on her own and isn't planning to stay with you.  I still think it's bad, but no nearly as bad  as previously.

[Deleted]

Can you take different days off? Or is this new work thing happening the entire time she's there?

Maybe your boss would let you take a couple of other days off instead since you're doing them a favor in stepping in?

[Deleted]

I should also say that the change fees are only a small part of making this up to her -- she wanted to come for her birthday, and if she changes her plans, maybe she isn't. Maybe another date won't work for her. So even if you offer to pay for her change fees, you still maybe ruined her trip.

Also, I don't think that the "She told me she was coming" thing matters that much. If I visit friends who live in other places, I don't specifically ask them if they'd like me to visit (nor do they ask me). Of course we want to see each other. So I'll do a "I was thinking of coming to [place] in [month] to visit -- would that work for you?" and then we go through dates. If she wouldn't be coming to Cape Town if it weren't for the fact that you live there (which sounds like it's the case), she's coming because you're there and it was selfish of you to make other plans because something "cool" came up.

[daydreamer]

I'd be disappointed, but I'd understand. I might try to change the dates, but as long as we'd still be able to spend a few evenings together, I'd still come on those dates if I couldn't.

I'm clearly in the minority and I'm assuming Cape Town is on her list of "would like to see" destinations regardless of your being there. (It's certainly on mine.)

[Nonny]

I'm going to jump in and defend Blessed here, because I think some of you are being really harsh.  This isn't a situation where the two of them have already made super tight buddy buddy plans with firm dates.  This is Friend saying, "Hey I'm coming for XX dates" and Blessed saying, "Great.  Maybe I can take 2 days off and meet you after work, but I need to wait until we're a month out before I know my schedule and I'll let you know."

Now we're two months out and Blessed schedule doesn't work.  Does it suck?  Absolutely!  Is the friend going to be upset?  Of course, that's human nature when your plans don't got as you thought they would.  In this situation I would be upset too, but it's a work thing so I would understand and I'd get over it, and I certainly wouldn't end a friendship because of it.  Whether Friend can or will want to change her flights and vacation I'm sure will depend on a lot of different factors that I'm not even going to begin speculating about.  And if I were on this same situation I certainly wouldn't expect my friend to be paying my change fees for me.  That would make me very uncomfortable.

Blessed was recommended for this work thing by her boss to go in his stead.  It will give her new experiences, a chance for networking, and pays really well.  It may be that if she goes this will open up all sorts of new doors for her, but if she blows it off she might lose future chances for being "unreliable." Choosing the work thing over her friend's visit might feel for Blessed and Friend, but that doesn't make it the wrong choice.

Also, if Blessed already agreed to attend the event prior to the friend saying she was coming, everyone would be saying, "Aw, that sucks," and "What a bummer," and wouldn't be flaming her for anything.

[Deleted]

So did she book her flight and then announce she would be coming to visit without consulting you about anything first? Or did she state her dates, then get get the OK from you about your schedule, and THEN book? Slim as your availability was to begin with, if it's the latter situation she still booked her trip based on the assumption that she would get two full days with you and I would be EXTREMELY upset about your accepting the invite to the conference after the fact. If it's the former and she just booked the trip completely on her own and then said "By the way, I'm coming," I think it's less crappy.


In either case, I probably would not have accepted the conference offer, or at the very least not accepted without talking to her about it first.

[Deleted]

Mar 14, 2013 17:13:22 GMT -5 @blessed said:

Mar 14, 2013 17:09:07 GMT -5 @carmensandiego said:

So did she book her flight and then announce she would be coming to visit without consulting you about anything first? Or did she state her dates, then get get the OK from you about your schedule, and THEN book? Slim as your availability was to begin with, if it's the latter situation she still booked her trip based on the assumption that she would get two full days with you and I would be EXTREMELY upset about your accepting the invite to the conference after the fact. If it's the former and she just booked the trip completely on her own and then said "By the way, I'm coming," I think it's less crappy.


In either case, I probably would not have accepted the conference offer, or at the very least not accepted without talking to her about it first.

I just looked back at my fb messages and she booked a hotel without consulting me. She then told me "I'm coming to CT for my birthday." That's when I asked for the dates and said that I might be able to take off 2 days to hang out with her.

Well, not to split hairs, but a hotel is a lot more cancellable than a flight. But honestly it sounds like there was an across-the-board miscommunication between you guys about the purpose and importance of this trip. If it were me I really would try to get out of the conference OR pay her change fees for her to come a different week, but IMO this is just kind of a cluster and there was bad communication on both sides.

How did your friend act when you told her the news? Was she upset? Casual? Totally understanding? I would try to find out how she REALLY feels about it and if she is truly upset, I'd try to get out of the work thing--it is probably not worth losing a 7 year friendship over, I assume.

[gt7301b]

Can you offer to pay the airline change fees for her so she can come the week before. If I am friends enough with someone to travel half way around the world to see them I would be super posses if they were in a conference the entire time I was there.

[Deleted]

You know what, I shouldn't have said an across the board miscommunication. What I meant was that I think you might have misunderstood how important seeing you was for her on the trip and that she did a poor job communicating her plans and priorities to you, but saying across the board implies that you communicated badly with her as well and I'm not sure that you did. I'm sorry for miscommunicating my point, lol.

Anyway I wouldn't let this be the hill your friendship dies on if it turns out that she IS pissed. I'd help her pay to change her flight or get out of the conference or whatever if that is the case. I hope it works out such that everyone is happy.

[sweetnsour]

She planned a trip and thought she would see you too. I don't think you were expected to be a host the whole time. If she changes the dates then great. If she doesn't, then it still isn't a big deal and you can meet her after work. You set her up with the expectation that she should check with you the month before because of your work schedule. I don't think you did anything wrong.

[SuziSaysDa]

I don't think you are a bad friend at all.  She wanted to go on a trip, you being in CT is convenient as an excuse to go.

I did this with my BFF in Australia, except she sent me on every tourist trip she could find for the days she worked.  I saw her in the evenings, met up for happy hour and dinner.  I saw Australia on my own and had a great time catching up with her in her spare time.

I doubt Blessed would want to do all the touristy things, leave those for her friend to do while she works, then use the time together to catch up and enjoy dinner.