@quesera - (and others) I know. It still makes me sad and angry. I don't blame him or hold him responsible but he is, in my eyes, yet another symbol of her poor decision making (not just him but any number of guys she's been with: the child molester, the alcoholic, the druggies and partiers...) They've been her decisions, in direct contravention of the values we've held and raised our children with and have battling her for a very long time. I had such high hopes when they were little.
This was a shitty post on my part. But I wasn't going to DD or walk out because I started it. I agreed to take my lickings when I hit "enter."
@quesera - (and others) I know. It still makes me sad and angry. I don't blame him or hold him responsible but he is, in my eyes, yet another symbol of her poor decision making (not just him but any number of guys she's been with: the child molester, the alcoholic, the druggies and partiers...) They've been her decisions, in direct contravention of the values we've held and raised our children with and have battling her for a very long time. I had such high hopes when they were little.
This was a shitty post on my part. But I wasn't going to DD or walk out because I started it. I agreed to take my lickings when I hit "enter."
So there aren't inequalities between your daughter and her bf. There are inequalities between yourself and the bf. Is that right?
i still don't get it. maybe you explained it but HOLY WORD COUNT OVERLOAD. why are your classist views an issue you have with bi-racial couples? i'm still confused why this even came up at all in this conversation.
slow. and 4 lines or less.
Because white people are in the upper echelons of society, while black people are at the bottom (other minorities in between). It's just awkward when brown people bring down the whites.
*This is not my opinion. This is what I got from a couple of walls of text.
What the hell does getting a pit bull have to do with anything?
you know those paint test strips you can get at, like, sherwin-williams? only people darker than a certain shade of tan are allowed to own pit bulls. there's a test. hth.
letsgetweird - and inequalities between dreams of what my daughter could have been and what is, I suppose. I still hope against hope that she makes the right decision and can make a good life for her remaining daughter, the one she has/had a chance to keep and be a mother to. Sadly I'm the only one. The rest have given up.
I'll agree with you. If by "inequalities" you mean values, work ethic (as I sit her Nesting - haha), education and the things that I hold dear for a good life for me and mine. I grew to like her last BF well enough, despite their beginnings (he was a sofa-surfer with no job who needed a place to stay). Actually, I warned *him* about *her* initially. He kept her stable, got a job, was good to the girls and the girls love him as a dad and his daughter (their age) as a sister.
Current BF's nieces and nephew are good kids that do well in school (plenty of awards proudly displayed), but they moved when aunt left uncle and are no longer in the picture. Aunt was the stable force in the family and the kids were good playmates, very artistic and creative and drew that out in the girls. She was a hard worker who wanted better for her kids and made them work to achieve it; if DD was dating *aunt* I could deal - lol. In contrast, (before uncle got evicted) there were constant random relatives (cars full of male relatives and their friends in their 20s-30s pulling into the driveway) texting BF and then one of them wandering through the front door with a small wave and a "hey" before heading to the back bedroom and out the door just a few minutes later. Goings-on that gave me the heebie-jeebies with kids in the house (or even without.) And now they're sofa-surfing, staying wherever they can find a roof and wandering the city aimlessly.
So yeah, you can say there are inequalities between me and BF, and between me and what I want DD to be. And since she "becomes" the boyfriend (does that make sense?) this is where she is right now. Someday, I hope, she will find her compass, or find someone that can help her. Sadly, that has become my dream for her. I hope that I can make new and better ones one day.
I honestly hope all you mothers of beautiful little girls (and boys) don't have to walk in my shoes when they're no longer little and you can't protect them anymore.
letsgetweird - and inequalities between dreams of what my daughter could have been and what is, I suppose. I still hope against hope that she makes the right decision and can make a good life for her remaining daughter, the one she has/had a chance to keep and be a mother to. Sadly I'm the only one. The rest have given up.
I'll agree with you. If by "inequalities" you mean values, work ethic (as I sit her Nesting - haha), education and the things that I hold dear for a good life for me and mine. I grew to like her last BF well enough, despite their beginnings (he was a sofa-surfer with no job who needed a place to stay). Actually, I warned *him* about *her* initially. He kept her stable, got a job, was good to the girls and the girls love him as a dad and his daughter (their age) as a sister.
Current BF's nieces and nephew are good kids that do well in school (plenty of awards proudly displayed), but they moved when aunt left uncle and are no longer in the picture. Aunt was the stable force in the family and the kids were good playmates, very artistic and creative and drew that out in the girls. She was a hard worker who wanted better for her kids and made them work to achieve it; if DD was dating *aunt* I could deal - lol. In contrast, (before uncle got evicted) there were constant random relatives (cars full of male relatives and their friends in their 20s-30s pulling into the driveway) texting BF and then one of them wandering through the front door with a small wave and a "hey" before heading to the back bedroom and out the door just a few minutes later. Goings-on that gave me the heebie-jeebies with kids in the house (or even without.) And now they're sofa-surfing, staying wherever they can find a roof and wandering the city aimlessly.
So yeah, you can say there are inequalities between me and BF, and between me and what I want DD to be. And since she "becomes" the boyfriend (does that make sense?) this is where she is right now. Someday, I hope, she will find her compass, or find someone that can help her. Sadly, that has become my dream for her. I hope that I can make new and better ones one day.
I honestly hope all you mothers of beautiful little girls (and boys) don't have to walk in my shoes when they're no longer little and you can't protect them anymore.
This is all very sad, but it has nothing to do with BF's race.
NO NO NOT THE PIT. It's that she got a pit without knowing the background, wanted me to drive it home with her daughters in the middle seat while it was uncrated, after just having walked out of a neuropsych eval spending the entire eval trying to make arrangements for the dog and they don't know the history of the dog. It's the SECOND time she's gotten a pit. She had to REHOME the first or face eviction because of INSURANCE purposes.
For the record, we have three in our family (including my son, for crying out loud) and they're great, well-behaved and super well-trained dogs. But NOT OFF CRAIGSLIST IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE HISTORY with NO assurance it will travel well, especially if your two young daughters are in the seat directly in front of it in an unfamiliar car, going over unfamiliar terrain with unfamiliar people! (Former owner couldn't take the dog at her new home apparently *for insurance reasons* and there was no cage and no arrangements to get it home!)
For the record, it's a gorgeous dog and well behaved.
just answer this question: WHAT DOES ANY OF THAT HAVE TO DO WITH BF BEING BLACK AND DD BEING WHITE? (or any other bi-racial combination of your choosing.)
Why are we inviting further WALLS OF TEXT?
Absolutely nothing. Which I said earlier. I said it was shitty to post.
I didn't mean interracial couples per se...I meant couples of obviously different backgrounds. What I meant (and thought I said) was it didn't register to me that it was an interracial couple in the commercial (it was pointed out in the title) because they were just like every couple (monoracial and interracial) around me without the obvious classist differences - who my daughter *should* be dating (per my standards) vs. who she *is* dating. Mom, dad, kid, nice house... Not middle-class mom in the sun room talking to adorable daughter, cut to dad with baggy jeans and t-shirt and backwards baseball cap. They cut to a middle-class-looking guy who obviously fits the middle-class wife. The guy is who my daughter is *supposed* to be dating is the guy on the sofa, not the guy that it turns out she *is* dating.
Ok I guess I am a racist because I will even go as far as to try to figure out heritage of someone I see on TV. Like is she indian or black or is he portuguese or russian? If we lose our ability to point out differences we are filled with a world of blah.
Mrsbpo, I get where you are trying to do, but you still sounds bias. It's your daughter's fault this is happening. She is choosing these poor choices, and if it wasn't some ghetto black guy it would be some redneck whitetrash that probably hangs out with your daughter's boyfriend. I think you should buy them some training classes for that pitbull and say you support her decisions, it will make it easier for her to come to you when it crashes down.
I didn't mean interracial couples per se...I meant couples of obviously different backgrounds. What I meant (and thought I said) was it didn't register to me that it was an interracial couple in the commercial because they were just like every couple (monoracial and interracial) around me without the obvious classist differences - who my daughter *should* be dating (per my standards) vs. who she *is* dating. Mom, dad, kid, nice house... Not middle-class mom in the sun room talking to adorable daughter, cut to dad with baggy jeans and t-shirt and backwards baseball cap. They cut to a middle-class-looking guy who obviously fits the middle-class wife. The guy is who my daughter is *supposed* to be dating is the guy on the sofa, not the guy that it turns out she *is* dating.
Any clearer?
Obviously you should have just said any couple of a different background. It's the interracial qualifier that's messed up. If that's not what you meant, then ok. But the implication was very much that interracial couples are inherently of different, and unequal, backgrounds.
I am biased and have admitted it. I've also not liked many of the other guys she's dated because they don't fit my stereotypes but that's because the stereotypes are "don't use drugs" and "don't touch girls who aren't the age of consent" and "get a job already." I held the same bias against my older daughter's ex-boyfriend of many years (her son's dad) and she finally "got it" and moved on to greener pastures. (I hope I'm the world's greatest MIL for her husband; I adore him and he's great for her.)
For the record I have nothing against rednecks - my brother is my favorite relative, tyvm, and my son is a rather good kid. Redneck =/= white trash.
nicbreeful - I googled and found that too. Love the loofah thread. "smooth-skin-to-smooth-skin combat." lol.
meggers5 - I thought I clarified in one of my walls but since it was a wall of letters... tl;dr, not clarified.
letsgetweird - I thought I was clear that I said it wasn't about race but about class and class-values. I think we're at cross-purposes here. Or maybe I'm *not* getting it.
As I said, I knew I walked into it so I thought I'd try to make it clear. I'm not back-pedaling. Or trying not to.
I didn't mean interracial couples per se...I meant couples of obviously different backgrounds. What I meant (and thought I said) was it didn't register to me that it was an interracial couple in the commercial (it was pointed out in the title) because they were just like every couple (monoracial and interracial) around me without the obvious classist differences - who my daughter *should* be dating (per my standards) vs. who she *is* dating. Mom, dad, kid, nice house... Not middle-class mom in the sun room talking to adorable daughter, cut to dad with baggy jeans and t-shirt and backwards baseball cap. They cut to a middle-class-looking guy who obviously fits the middle-class wife. The guy is who my daughter is *supposed* to be dating is the guy on the sofa, not the guy that it turns out she *is* dating.
Any clearer?
yeah, who'd want their daughter with a black guy who wears baggy jeans and backwards baseball caps.
welp, I'm happy you think redneck=/= white trash. It'd be nice if you didn't assume that baggy jeans, a tshirt and a backwards hat was indicative of anything other than casual wear.
I didn't mean interracial couples per se...I meant couples of obviously different backgrounds. What I meant (and thought I said) was it didn't register to me that it was an interracial couple in the commercial (it was pointed out in the title) because they were just like every couple (monoracial and interracial) around me without the obvious classist differences - who my daughter *should* be dating (per my standards) vs. who she *is* dating. Mom, dad, kid, nice house... Not middle-class mom in the sun room talking to adorable daughter, cut to dad with baggy jeans and t-shirt and backwards baseball cap. They cut to a middle-class-looking guy who obviously fits the middle-class wife. The guy is who my daughter is *supposed* to be dating is the guy on the sofa, not the guy that it turns out she *is* dating.
Any clearer?
yeah, who'd want their daughter with a black guy who wears baggy jeans and backwards baseball caps.
nicbreeful - I googled and found that too. Love the loofah thread. "smooth-skin-to-smooth-skin combat." lol.
meggers5 - I thought I clarified in one of my walls but since it was a wall of letters... tl;dr, not clarified.
I think the problem is that despite clarification, you still initially said that that interracial couples are more likely to be of a different socio-economic status, and that bothered you. That's not really forgettable when you came into a thread specifically about the problems people had with interracial couples. It's hard now to get that you didn't really mean it.
WALL ALERT: I absolutely don't believe the race makes for different socio-economic status. I don't think I said that. I think that's where I'm getting confusing with my walls of text people aren't reading.
My next door neighbors, the couple diagonally across the street, neighbors four doors down (one of my best couple-friends btw), several families at school...all are inter-racial but all are of the same or similar socio-economic status, with similar backgrounds and education. DD's BF has a completely different background from ours - and LOOKS it with how he dresses and presents - vs. our middle-class, military-family background. If she's dressed in something she likes when we shop together rather than his jackets and jeans, they don't *look* like they fit together. The differences would be eye-catching.
What I tried to say somewhere was that if mom looked like she did (me) but dad looked like DD's BF that would have caught my eye. But dad here looked just like any other middle class dude I've associated with so it didn't register that it was an inter-racial couple and there was this big "OMGINTERRACIALCOUPLEDON'TBUYCHEERIOS!" outrage over this commercial except as it was pointed out in the thread.
DD's boyfriend might be the most amazing boyfriend in the world but if he's walking down the street with someone who looks and dresses like me, I would notice that couple - physically they don't fit. If he was walking down the street dressed like my neighbor with someone dressed like me, it doesn't register. The couple in the commercial didn't register to me as bi-racial. Appearance-wise, (to me) they fit together. It's not obliviousness so much as it's the norm. The couple in the commercial is my norm. Someone like the mom (or me) coupled with someone like DDs BF is *not* the norm. That difference (the class/appearance) would have caught my eye if it was introduced in the commercial. That's where I was trying to go with the socio-economic difference aspects.
If he was white and dressed like Justin Bieber or Eminem or some rocker-dude and the mom presented the same appearance as this "normal" mom, I would have noticed the differences too. It just doesn't fit.
Repeat: I've dated black guys. But they were similar to me in background, education and values, looked like me and dressed like me. Middle-class-plebe-dating-middle-class-plebe.
It wasn't meant to be about race but about the fact that someone mentioned "you must be oblivious if you didn't notice" My response was intended to state that it wasn't that I (or others) were oblivious to the race aspects but that it's the norm. Middle class dude and middle class wife. If it was a guy like my DD's BF coupled with the middle-class mom (in the commercial or IRL), THAT would NOT be the norm and we'd notice that. Just as if it was a rocker-dude, Justin Bieber, Eminem. Whatever. It's about the appearances and what catches your eye. Norm vs. not normal. We all got tied up in the other stuff.
It wasn't meant to be about race but about the fact that someone mentioned "you must be oblivious if you didn't notice" My response was intended to state that it wasn't that I (or others) were oblivious to the race aspects but that it's the norm. Middle class dude and middle class wife. If it was a guy like my DD's BF coupled with the middle-class mom, THAT would NOT be the norm and we'd notice that. Just as if it was a rocker-dude, Justin Bieber, Eminem. Whatever. It's about the appearances and what catches your eye. Norm vs. not normal. We all got tied up in the other stuff.
Ugh GBCN ate my first response. On an earlier page you said, "It's not this that bothers me about interracial couples, it's this". That sentence should not happen. Nothing should bother you about interracial couples.
It's not about noticing differences or not, it's about more than once mentioning the race of someone, when what you really should have said is that you don't want your daughter dating a loser, of any race.
Mrsbpo - I don't think you understand how you sound to others when you are speaking about your daughter's BF. You couch many of his negative attributes in such a way that fits into your stereotype of an undesirable black male. Many people of all races (and hell, classes) mumble, have shady, lawbreaking family members, dress poorly, don't work, etc. But you keep tying it back to that racial stereotype that you're holding in your head. Combined with the fact that you've posted all as why some interracial couples bother you, folks are going to assume there's some negative stereotyping going on, to put it mildly.
I didn't respond after our exchange the other night, but I can imagine what a man who mumbles sounds like without you bringing up cartoon characters. We're intelligent, we get it, we've all heard mumblers. (She deleted this reference, FWIW).