WWYD - "best friend" won't talk to me

[emptygee]

Okay, this is going to get long, so I'm going to only include details that I think are relevant. I really don't know what to do about this, and I'd really appreciate input.

I have been best friends with "Sarah" since 3rd grade, so almost 30 years. She isn't married, but she was my maid of honor and we used to be really close. Seven years ago she moved about 1700 miles away for a job, and at first we stayed in touch and she told me all about everything that was going on there, and in the summer she would call every day (she's a teacher). I visited her several times over the years and we always had fun. However, for the past 2-3 years it has been nearly impossible to get in touch with her. She stopped answering texts and never answered her phone or returned calls. Email - same thing. Once in a while she would text out of the blue and tell me to call her some time, but she never would answer. Finally I got her on the phone and she said she was depressed and that she didn't want to talk to anyone.

I flew out there about 9 months ago and we had a nice visit. I have gone through depression too so I knew what it was like to feel like you're letting everyone down and not wanting to leave the house or talk to anyone. I thought that we were kind of reconnecting and she seemed to be doing okay. She flew back here for a short visit to her family in October or November last year and I saw her briefly then. 

After that, I haven't talked to her at all. One night about 2 months ago I got an email from her saying she was proud of me for something she heard about me (career-related) and that I should call her that weekend. I did - no answer and no return call. Other friends of hers have contacted me and asked if I have talked to her because apparently she is not in contact with any of her old friends. She won't return emails, calls, or texts. I even went so far as to send her a gift basket at work with a note asking her to call me because I knew she would receive it at work. 

I am going to be in her city this weekend. I have texted, emailed, and left messages for her telling her this. No response. My instinct was just going to be to leave it - I figured she must be trying to tell me she's not interested in being friends anymore. It hurt to think that, but what else can I do? But the other day Sarah's SIL ran into my mom (we come from a small town) and my mom mentioned how I have been trying to get in touch with Sarah with no luck. SIL said that she and Sarah's brother have been having the same problem and they haven't actually talked to Sarah on the phone in about a year. SIL said Sarah's mother is worried too. 

So here's what I need help with - my mom thinks I should just try showing up at Sarah's house when I'm out there this weekend. I just don't know. If Sarah is still struggling with depression I want to help her, but I don't know how. Is it pathetic to show up at her house when she obviously doesn't want to talk to me? We used to be so close, and I just can't believe this is happening.

I know this is long, and if you got this far, thank you. If anyone has ANY thoughts on this, please please share them. 

[speckledfrog]

I don't think it would hurt to stop by if that is what you want to do. If you don't want to do it I don't think that's bad either.

[pedanticwench]

I definitely think you need to try to get in contact with her.

[vanillacourage]

Jun 3, 2013 14:33:13 GMT -5 emptygee said:

SIL said that she and Sarah's brother have been having the same problem and they haven't actually talked to Sarah on the phone in about a year. SIL said Sarah's mother is worried too. 

Ordinarily I'd say that you need to take the signal that she's sending,
but WTH to the above?  Has anyone actually gone over to her house and banged on the door?  Not to freak you out, but something bad could have happened to her and apparently nobody would have known.

Yeah, I'd show up at her house, if only to see her with my own eyes.

[snickers]

I would stop by. If she doesn't want you there, she can always ask you to leave.
I am really sorry, this sounds stressful.

[Deleted]

I would try to stop by because its not just you she's avoiding/not contacting so its not a normal 'she's just not that into you'

But I agree if you just don't have the energy anymore to keep chasing her I wouldn't blame you either.

[emptygee]

Jun 3, 2013 14:39:29 GMT -5 puddleofgrace said:

Stop by. The fact that the brother hasn't talked to her in a year is really concerning to me.
Has the Mother done anything to make sure she's ok?

I don't know if she's done anything, but her mother has some mental health issues that make it difficult for me to always understand her rationale for things. I'm fairly certain she hasn't flown out there to make sure everything's okay.

[emptygee]

Jun 3, 2013 14:39:47 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

Jun 3, 2013 14:33:13 GMT -5 emptygee said:

SIL said that she and Sarah's brother have been having the same problem and they haven't actually talked to Sarah on the phone in about a year. SIL said Sarah's mother is worried too. 

Ordinarily I'd say that you need to take the signal that she's sending,
but WTH to the above?  Has anyone actually gone over to her house and banged on the door?  Not to freak you out, but something bad could have happened to her and apparently nobody would have known.

Yeah, I'd show up at her house, if only to see her with my own eyes.

I did leave out some details so that I didn't get too long-winded, but after she didn't even respond to the gift basket at her work, I texted one of her coworkers to make sure she still worked there and everything. He said she's fine. 

[Deleted]

I'd stop by. It seems like she's still depressed, maybe seeing you would help her?

[Deleted]

My sister and I have one rule when either of us are in deep deep depression. If one contacts the other, we don't have to talk or reply with long winded messages but we MUST reply in some way. A short text, FB message or VM saying we are OK just don't want to talk or whatever. Maybe you could go to her house and just say you needed to see that she is OK and that you understand she may not want to be in contact but you just wanted to let her know you were worried. IDK. Depression sucks.

[emptygee]

Jun 3, 2013 15:05:18 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Jun 3, 2013 14:44:46 GMT -5 emptygee said:

I did leave out some details so that I didn't get too long-winded, but after she didn't even respond to the gift basket at her work, I texted one of her coworkers to make sure she still worked there and everything. He said she's fine. 

 She's fine, she's working, others say she's fine. I'd say she's fine.

contact her off and on, drop by if you're in town, but it sounds like this is a message, not depression.

Is it a message to her brother and mom too?

[Deleted]

I think it's depression and she maybe doesn't want to tell anyone how bad it is.

It wouldn't hurt to stop by, but I agree to not take it personally if she doesn't answer the door or avoids you.

I would be worried too

[Deleted]

Sometimes people need time and distance from things in their past to heal themselves. You may not understand why, but she is sending you a clear message. If she is fine and hasn't responded to any of your messages, I would not try to visit her.

[messykitchen]

I have severe depression, and my best friend has been known to stop by when I am blowing her off. I can be depressed as hell and still manage to work, because working is distracting. Stop by, but don't be hurt if she's distant. If she isn't taking care of herself, nothing is really going to matter to her until she is getting better.