When I was three, apparently I shoved a small piece of sponge really far up my nose. No one knew it until there was an awful smell coming from somewhere in my face. My mom couldn't figure out the issue so she took me to the doctor, who found the sponge lodged way up there and removed it. Gross.
When I was tiny, my dad worked as a truck driver for UPS. He worked long hours, and I usually only saw him when he was leaving for work or coming back. My little kid brain linked "daddy" with the uniform browns. Anyone who wore browns was "daddy!" Black woman? Older man? Didn't matter. I called them all "daddy." Honestly, to this day I have an instinctive trust for anyone in browns.
The Case For Vegetarianism Delivered By A Toddler : NPR www.npr.org The viral video shows an adorable toddler struggling with the thought of octopus in his gnocchi. We ask: How did you explain eating animals to your kids? Like · · Share · Yesterday at 6:36pm via mobile · 2 people like this.
Auntie Need I remind you of the toddler who was read the story about the farm animals and pointed to the hen and said "cluck, cluck, nom-nom" while rubbing her tummy in a clockwise fashion? 10 hours ago · Like
My now vegan/raw diet niece posted this on facebook last night. I answered her below. I'm expecting a phone call in 3-2-1...
When I was three, apparently I shoved a small piece of sponge really far up my nose. No one knew it until there was an awful smell coming from somewhere in my face. My mom couldn't figure out the issue so she took me to the doctor, who found the sponge lodged way up there and removed it. Gross.
This happened to one of my boss's daughters last summer. My boss took her to the doctor because "her face smelled weird" and they pulled a ton of foam (from a lawn chair) out of her nose.
One of my mom's favorite stories to tell about me happened when I was a freshman in high school. I had braces, and had been taking a nap on my bedroom floor. My best friend came over and when she and my mom went to wake me up, my braces had gotten tangled in the carpet. So I was stuck face down on the floor while my mom tried to cut me free.
There are so many. I have never been the picture of grace, but that was especially true in my younger days.
The story that first comes to mind, that I never hear the end of, is that time I caught the coffee table on fire. I was twelve, and had a friend sleeping over the week after Christmas, so the house was still decorated. Our coffee table was decorated with a fancy lace runner and a massive five-wick candle that was near the end of its life. My friend and I decided that we would like to use the coffee table to draw on some paper, so I flipped the runner over the candle, assuming the candle wasn't lit since I didn't see flames.
Well, I certainly saw flames when I woke up about five hours later. The entire tabletop was lit up in flames three-feet high. I woke my friend up and we put the fire out, scraped as much of the wax off the table and out of the carpet as we could, and discarded the evidence. I then carefully arranged some random magazines over the massive scorch marks on the tabletop and placed a "sorry I nearly burned the house down" note carefully atop.
My dad has a VHS of me as a chubby 10 year old with big 80s glasses signing show tunes while twirling a baton. I was NOT good at it. He has shown that tape to every guy I dated and liked enough to bring home. Luckily, my H has a sense of humor.
I spent a year living with my mom and stepdad recovering from major surgery and helping my mom when my stepdad had cancer.
Part 2
So I had a vibrator. It was a nice vibrator. I occasionally kept it under my pillow for easy access.
Part 3
I was moving down to Florida and my stepdad was helping me dismantle my bed.
Part 4
My stepdad found my vibrator.
Fin.
Nooooo.
Yep.
Now. I should confess that I did receive said vibrator from my sister as a Christmas gift a few years back and opened it in front of everyone and it was fine. We are an open family. Everybody laughed.
But not so open that I felt happy about my stepdad finding it under my pillow.
My stepdad knowing I got a vibrator and actively used a vibrator are two totally different things, as it turns out.
One Christmas when I was younger, my grandpa asked me to go get a salad that was out in the garage. He said it was on top of the car to keep it away from the giant rats in the garage. He knew I'm terrified of rats and crawly critters so he said that to get a rise out of me. I went out into the freezing cold, dark garage and flipped the light on already scared. I turned to go down the steps and a giant possum came out from under the car hissing and growling at me. I screamed at the top of my lungs and ran back inside.
To this day, every Christmas, my grandpa brings that story up and how big my eyes were and how loud I yelled.
When I was three, apparently I shoved a small piece of sponge really far up my nose. No one knew it until there was an awful smell coming from somewhere in my face. My mom couldn't figure out the issue so she took me to the doctor, who found the sponge lodged way up there and removed it. Gross.
LOL
relatedly, when i was about 5, i shoved a small rock up my nose as an excuse to leave daycare, because i fucking hated it so bad. we were on our mats during nap time, i was miserable and saw the rock, and was all, "i gotta get outta here" and shoved it right up there. i had to go to the ER to get it checked because it can either go through your sinuses and into your stomach and get digested, or go up into your brain. they asked me why i did it and i told them because i hated daycare.
nobody will let me live that down, but at least i didn't have to go back to daycare. lol
Now. I should confess that I did receive said vibrator from my sister as a Christmas gift a few years back and opened it in front of everyone and it was fine. We are an open family. Everybody laughed.
But not so open that I felt happy about my stepdad finding it under my pillow.
My stepdad knowing I got a vibrator and actively used a vibrator are two totally different things, as it turns out.
When I was three, apparently I shoved a small piece of sponge really far up my nose. No one knew it until there was an awful smell coming from somewhere in my face. My mom couldn't figure out the issue so she took me to the doctor, who found the sponge lodged way up there and removed it. Gross.
LOL
relatedly, when i was about 5, i shoved a small rock up my nose as an excuse to leave daycare, because i fucking hated it so bad. we were on our mats during nap time, i was miserable and saw the rock, and was all, "i gotta get outta here" and shoved it right up there. i had to go to the ER to get it checked because it can either go through your sinuses and into your stomach and get digested, or go up into your brain. they asked me why i did it and i told them because i hated daycare.
nobody will let me live that down, but at least i didn't have to go back to daycare. lol
oh also, when coupled with my fascination with earthquakes and volcanoes, my mom tells everyone this made me destined to be a geologist.
I just got my license and drove my grandmother out to eat. When we go to leave I realize I can't find the car keys. We search everywhere for them, then I think "oh no! I've locked them in the car!"
We leave the restaurant and as we approach the car I look at my grandmother and I know we're both thinking "What the hell is that sound?"
The keys were in the car, but the car wasn't locked. Because the car was still running. It had been out there just on and in park for well over an hour.
when I was turning ten, I put my birthday cake, an ice cream cake in the fridge instead of the freezer.
when I was fifteen I stole rum from the liquor cabinet and filled the bottle with water, must have been a few times. my dad noticed it was a bit weak and he took it to work and had it tested at the lab at work for alcohol content. it was only around 15%.
Post by coribelle26 on Jun 3, 2013 21:48:55 GMT -5
When I was about 10 I was rocking a new pair of roll-up jorts and a B.U.M. Equipment t-shirt at my great aunt's house on Easter and I thought I was hot shit. Seeing as I was so sporty I got the idea that I was going to run on their treadmill. I was unaware of three pieces of information: 1) The treadmill was set for my second cousin who was training for a marathon; 2) There's an emergency clip you're supposed to attach to your clothes; and 3) Never stand on the belt when you turn it on.
So it's set at gazelle speed and my feet immediately fly out from under me as I go all George Jetson. In my panic I felt like I would definitely die if I let go of the arm handles, so instead I just hung on while the belt proceeded to rub all the skin off my legs until one of my cousins finally turned the damn thing off. It was gruesome. Easter over.
Someone always brings this up but the worst is my second cousin Mark, because this is literally the only thing he knows about me. I see him every few years at weddings or funerals and the conversation is, "Hi, nice to see you, remember when you fell on the treadmill at Aunt Terri's house?" FUCK YOU, MARK.
When I was 4 I was misbehaving pretty much every minute that I was awake. We were at the store, I saw a toy I wanted, she said no, I had a hissy fit. It was like early December, so my mom told me that if I didn't straighten up and behave soon that Santa would not be coming to bring us presents that year. I went to preschool at our church the next day, we were discussing Christmas and what everyone wanted from Santa, and I told both of my teachers that Santa wasn't coming to my house that year. We weren't getting a Christmas. They asked why I thought that, I said because when I told my mom what toy I wanted she said Santa wasn't coming to our house that year.
Lol. They must have thought it was a financial reason (three kids ages 4 and under) because they spent the day gathering money from other teachers and parents to present to my mom when she picked me up from school.
the first day of preschool, i DID NOT want to go. nope, not happening. so my mom told me that the whole class was just waiting for me to show up and their day would be ruined if i wouldn't go. so as soon as we get there, i go running into the classroom and yell, "I'M HERE, KIDS!!" ...nobody cared. lol
Post by deanlicker78 on Jun 3, 2013 22:40:53 GMT -5
During children's service at church they were talking about the battle of Jericho and I (age 5) yell out "It's not Jericho, it's Geritol and it's for iron poor blood." WTF? I was such a weird child.
For our fifth grade D.A.R.E graduation, we had an essay contest where one kid in every class would be chosen to read their essay aloud. I won, and the day of the graduation I had a horrible migraine. I went up on stage, read my essay flawlessly, and then proceeded to projectile vomit off the stage. The funny thing is that I was less embarrassed about throwing up, and more offended that everyone thought I threw up from nerves. For some reason I was pissed that people thought I had stage fright, lol. That story was brought up by friends and classmates, and my family, until the day I graduated high school.
I had a similar experience in grade 1. It was the big Christmas concert and I felt sick. Told the teacher who ignored me and made me sing. Mid performance I puked everywhere. That story gets brought up by people I know from school 20+ years later.
Post by karmasabiotch on Jun 3, 2013 23:34:53 GMT -5
My Mom took the wrong car home from a valet parking. She had realized half way to her house that this car had leather seats, a sun roof, and a full tank of gas but she figured she was half way home so she kept going.
She also dialed the wrong number once to get a carry out of healthy chicken. The person said hello and she asked "is this the home of the intelligent chicken?" They said she had the wrong number.
My sister and I still laugh at these stories. They are priceless. I have so many more because my Mom was the best.
Story and video that my dad threatened to show every boyfriend and ended up showing my DH after we got engaged (the bastard):
When we were at the beach house and I was still in diapers, I liked the nekked thing. So I would run up and down the front stairs of the house, tugging away, until the diaper fell off and I could run around nekked. They video-taped this and still own it. And talk about it all the time to everyone about how cute and nekked i was. Darn them.
The only stories I can think of are times I embarrassed my mom when really young.
1. My racist grandma decided to teach me the song "Jump Jim Crow" when babysitting ( ^o) ) and I started singing it in the grocery store line. My mom had no idea grandma had taught it to me, and was, of course, mortified.
2. My mom read in a magazine that if you explain to kids what you're buying at the grocery store and why, they are less likely to beg for stuff and will feel more involved. She was telling me, "This is for dinner, that is for lunch tomorrow" etc. I started poking at the cellophane wrapping the ground beef and she took the package away/scolded me. When we got to the check out, she realized she had forgotten her checkbook and had to start picking things to put back.
I started crying and begging her "Please don't take my dinner away mommy!! I promise I'll be good!" Glares all around. lol
My sister once convinced me to see if I could fit my head between rungs on the stairwell at my grandma's apartment building. Of course I took it as a challenge (I was 5?) and then I got my head stuck. Her and my cousin laughed so hard and then left me there. I panicked and cried until I finally squeezed my head out (like 15 minutes later).
They never got in trouble and they still laugh about it.
Did I mention they've always been bitches? And clearly I am still bitter...
The year my mom hid all of my Christmas presents and told me that Santa didn't come for me comes up a lot. We have different recollections. I remember bursting into tears and being absolutely crushed. My mom remembers me being all stoic about it and asking my sister if I could play with some of her toys.
There was also the time that I kicked one of my teachers in the shin. My mom taught at my school and her classroom happened to be right next to the principal's office, so she saw the whole thing go down. In my defense, I warned my mom that, if this particular teacher didn't stop bothering me (he liked to tease), I would kick him.
I sleep walked into the bathroom and peed int he hamper
lol.
apparently i have a lot of embarrassing stories. when i was about 3 i woke my mom up in the middle of the night and was all, "i gotta pee!!" she told me "so go pee, you know where the potty is." (cut to 5 minutes later, when she hears a weird noise, and finds me asleep sitting on the toilet seat lid, pee everywhere)
I know that summer is here when my family trots out the tired old story of how one summer when I was just shy of 3, I liked to take off all my clothes and run through the neighborhood.