S/O verdict thread - confession

[skwcm80]

In the verdict thread jamaicam expressed some fear about what our sons would have to deal growing up as black males, and I was a bummed that nobody acknowledged that. 

One of the things that I love about this board is the amount of support everyone gets when they express a concern, no matter how minute. It was a little surprising that no one said anything at all.

/whine

[Deleted]

I'm sorry you felt like that. I'm pretty sure that thread was not a place where people were thinking about others much though. It was pretty venty.

I'm sorry for the conversations you will have with your kids in the future. As a privileged white chick I'm not sure I can say more than that.

[TrudyCampbell]

I agree with Thadsrad and I'm sorry you felt that way.

[puppylove64]

I did not see the post but I am very saddened that a mother would have to have that worry for her child. I am sickened by the outcome of the trial and very much feel that Martin was profiled and z was trigger happy. I am terrified of the world my child has to grow up in, but I hope I can teach him respect for others, and to be safe, without being terrified of the unknown. I'm really just at a loss for words since I heard the verdict.

[Faevantastic]

I''m feeling bummed out lately at all the racism that has come to light in this country.

[katie]

Jul 15, 2013 8:49:44 GMT -5 puppylove64 said:

I did not see the post but I am very saddened that a mother would have to have that worry for her child. I am sickened by the outcome of the trial and very much feel that Martin was profiled and z was trigger happy. I am terrified of the world my child has to grow up in, but I hope I can teach him respect for others, and to be safe, without being terrified of the unknown. I'm really just at a loss for words since I heard the verdict.

I totally agree. I live really close to Sanford and the whole thing is just horrible. I didn't post in the verdict thread but did read most of it.

[bigapple]

I just logged on for the first time in a few days and haven't seen that thread yet, so I don't know how the conversation went.

NPR had a story this morning about black parents having to have a talk with their sons about how to avoid altercations like this, how to comport oneself with the police, etc. It is terrible that a parent feels the need to tell a child to act with extra respect and caution around authority figures who are misusing their position to be assholes, rather than tell their child to be proud of who they are and stand up to discrimination. The Civil War ended 150 years ago, yet to me that whole conversation sounds dangerously close to "yes, master." However, when it comes to protecting one's child's life, I understand hopping off the soapbox and doing what needs to be done.

It's not just kids, either. My boss in DC was the general counsel of a huge lobbying firm, his kids went to the best prep schools and played polo, his wife was an administration official, and he still got pulled over regularly for DWB (driving while black). He would swallow his pride and be polite to the officer, and then call up his high-ranking contacts in the Mayor's office and raise hell.

Even in super liberal and diverse NYC, there's a discriminatory stop-and-frisk law on the books that basically lets cops search someone for weapons if the cops has a reasonable suspicion that the person has committed, is committing, or will commit a crime. On the books it sounds okay, but in reality it's usually "we're looking for a Black/Hispanic kid who robbed someone. Oh, hey, there's one! Let's get him!"

[spaghetticat]

I am sorry I didn't post anything. I actually really felt for that sentiment and I thought about it a lot afterwards. I'm sorry for not vocalizing that.

And I wasn't trying to be "venty" in that post. I really do feel sick and saddened about what happened and that this is the world our children will be growing up in. Not only my child, but especially for children who will be looked at differently for no other reason than their race.

[jfh]

I wasn't in the thread but I'm so sorry you guys have to deal with this and figure out how to approach it with your kids. I'm also sorry you felt you got radio silence about it.

[christidee]

I did not participate in that thread, so I never saw your post. As a mother of a son, I am very sorry that the world is such a way that you have to have these feelings. Despite the outcome of the verdict, we can only hope that we continue to grow and mature as a nation.

[orriskitten]

Sorry I didn't address it specifically. A lot of me has hopes for the future generations not having to face something like this. I hope our children are old enough to understand talks like this in a time when we don't need to have them.

A lot of my fear is for my adult friends now. I'm a white chick with a bunch of not white friends. I grew up with my mom telling me not to hold my black boyfriend's hand in my neighborhood for fear that he and I would be attacked. I have my friends over in that very same neighborhood very often and that scares me for them. People are horrible and I pray that some day the laws will protect the innocent and not foster hatred in general.

[bigapple]

I'm sorry for my overly-venty post above. We were camping all weekend with no service, so I just heard the verdict this morning and am still in the fired-up stage.

Hugs to everyone and their sons.

[DesertMoon]

Sorry ladies, I wish your sons, and daughters nothing but a peaceful existence with all the people around them and that's they obtain all the happiness they deserve.

[lolaburns]

Just want you to know that while I didn't comment , my heart did ache that you have to worry about your son in that way. Sometimes I feel like I can't comment on things that have to do with race because I don't have the daily understanding ( even though I try to), if that makes any sense? It seems nightly males are being murdered. In some of the larger cities the numbers blow my mind. I literally feel sick for these communities that have to experience this worry, anguish and loss of life. I feel so helpless in coming up with an answer, but it needs to stop. Every community deserves to live their lives without violence and worry. Children should be able to walk to the store to buy a soft drink and Skittles without the parents having to worry if they will come home.

[Deleted]

I read that post in the thread multiple times. And to be honest I didn't know what to say, I can't even imagine having to have those conversations with my child. I felt like I didn't, and still don't, have the right words to express the sadness and anger I feel that anybody has to have that conversation now or will in several years.

[skwcm80]

I just needed to get that out. Thank you so much for you thoughts. My hope is that this is becomes less of an issue as our children get older.

[UnicornDog]

I didn't go into that thread, but now that I am reading your post here, I think this NPR story is relevant.

www.wbez.org/programs/afternoon-shift/2013-07-02/afternoon-shift-financial-planning-dementia-patients-black-male

It's the second part, not the first part about dementia and financial planning. Basically, a spokesman from a project for black youth was on the show. Part of the project is teaching young black men to avoid being profiled, and what to do if they are. He said this is a very necessary thing to do, because we do NOT live in a post-racial world, so if we are going to change what is happening to young black men in America, we can't expect for all the change to come from the rest of society. He says that he prefers to start with four year old or five year old kids and start teaching them things like how to keep themselves safe if a police officer approaches them, because after puberty the police will assume they have guns and might react with violence if they reach into their pockets for their IDs. It's very sad.

[monkeybabe]

Thanks for posting this skwcm80, because you're right, it was skipped over in our frustration and ventings in that thread. I think I fall into the category of can't really, fully understand what you ladies will have to do to keep your babies safe. I live in a predominantly white city and have a white daughter. I grew up in a small town that was about 50/50 white/Hispanic and nobody really talked about race. I've always lived in a pretty little bubble and it makes my heart hurt that not everyone gets to have that. It's not fair that your boys have to be coached on how to stay safe, not because they're doing anything wrong, but because people automatically assume they're doing something wrong.

[eav2c]

It is interesting you posted this because last night I was thinking about how ignorant I am about people of other races. Not ignorant in the effect of being racist or judging but ignorant in not realizing the struggles. I grew up in a well to do area and I did not know about struggles and I never thought differently about people of any skin color. Not that I should - but I mean that I just did not realize what a daily struggle in can be and it pisses me off how naive I was/am. The big thing that is coming out of this story is how people feel like they aren't important or don't matter - that breaks my heart more than anything. Trayvon Martin does matter as does every person and I am ashamed that in our world today that people are not viewed as the same. The outside matters very little - it should not define a person.

I am sorry your comment went ignored. I hope to live in a world without discrimination and as mothers we can help change that with our own children as well as showing kindness and love to everyone. I don't know your struggles but trust me when I honestly say if I could help bear the burden, I will. The pain that TM's family will carry for the rest of their lives should never be felt by another family. I may not understand it all but I do care and I want to understand better so I can positively impact my children and my community.

[charlielove]

I didn't see the comment, but I'll echo what many have said. My heart goes out to you and any parent that has to be concerned for their child's safety because of their race. I can only hope things improve and someday this doesn't have to be a concern for parents anymore.

[katfco]

I'm sorry I didn't respond. I didn't know what to say. I've studied racial inequalities in the schools and even discussed it a bit in my dissertation, but as a white woman, I didn't feel like I could say, "Oh, I know what you mean" or even "I understand," because I know there's no way I could ever come close to understanding your perspective.

[bigapple]

Brian Lehrer (NPR) just had an interesting segment on this. He played a clip of Lavar Burton (Reading Rainbow guy) talking about what he taught his sons - take off sunglasses and hat, calmly place your hands on the drivers side door so the cop can see them, etc. As a white woman, I've never had to think of these things. When I get pulled over, I immediately reach for the glove compartment or wiggle around to the backseat to dig around for my purse.

www.wnyc.org/shows/bl/2013/jul/15/zimmerman-verdicts-ripple-effects/

[Beener]

I wasn't in the thread but I am sorry you felt this way and that the world can be such a shitty place. Your child-all of our children- deserve better, deserve to be "judged by the content of their character and not the color of their skin." *sigh* I love MLK.

[kkfeb04]

I'm sure you know my feelings on this skwcm80. I HATE that this has to even be an issue you have to talk to your son about. I have no words really.

[carawestt]

Jul 15, 2013 9:51:25 GMT -5 @lindy said:

I read that post in the thread multiple times. And to be honest I didn't know what to say, I can't even imagine having to have those conversations with my child. I felt like I didn't, and still don't, have the right words to express the sadness and anger I feel that anybody has to have that conversation now or will in several years.

I agree with this. I typed and deleted responses over and over again because I couldn't find the right words to say.

[monkeybabe]

Jul 15, 2013 11:06:10 GMT -5 bigapple said:

Brian Lehrer (NPR) just had an interesting segment on this. He played a clip of Lavar Burton (Reading Rainbow guy) talking about what he taught his sons - take off sunglasses and hat, calmly place your hands on the drivers side door so the cop can see them, etc. As a white woman, I've never had to think of these things. When I get pulled over, I immediately reach for the glove compartment or wiggle around to the backseat to dig around for my purse.

www.wnyc.org/shows/bl/2013/jul/15/zimmerman-verdicts-ripple-effects/

I read that and it really struck me. I've been pulled over once, while alone, and the first thing I did was lean over to get my stuff out of the glove compartment. I feel like kind of an ass, because I really don't understand. My roommate gets profiled for being of Arabic decent, but he says it's nothing compared to what happens to African Americans.

[devotchka]

Jul 15, 2013 8:23:13 GMT -5 skwcm80 said:

In the verdict thread jamaicam expressed some fear about what our sons would have to deal growing up as black males, and I was a bummed that nobody acknowledged that. 

One of the things that I love about this board is the amount of support everyone gets when they express a concern, no matter how minute. It was a little surprising that no one said anything at all.

/whine

I was definitely thinking about this and it makes me incredibly sad. Sorry - I should have said something! I actually wanted to post more on that thread but got too busy and I suck.
 

[Deleted]

I didnt read everything and I just posted my own little vent, so I didnt see that part.

But, I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I have never experienced someone treating me differently or judging me the way that a lot of other people get judged and treated on a daily basis. I dont have to worry about that type of stuff regarding my children, (aside from maybe a 'ginger' joke) and that makes me feel really bad for those that do. I forget how much racism and stereotypes are out there still, and it's really heartbreaking.

I saw they have made a movie about that Bart cop who shot a black man in the back after he was already face down on the floor, in handcuffs, (I dont even think there was a good reason, if any, for his arrest) and the cop claimed he thought it was his taser and not his gun- I'm sure they feel the same- and the cop got manslaughter, didn't do any time. It makes me so sick and breaks my heart.

Not sure where I was going with that exactly, just makes me sad that these things happen, and more frequently than we think.

[skwcm80]

Jul 17, 2013 1:23:40 GMT -5 devotchka said:

I was definitely thinking about this and it makes me incredibly sad. Sorry - I should have said something! I actually wanted to post more on that thread but got too busy and I suck.
 

You don't suck. I actually thought the lack of conversation might be that people didn't know what to say in response. But since I'm more active here than I was on tb, I figured I would address it.

[monkeybabe]

skwcm80 I'm glad you brought it up. It's easy to not talk about it, because, if some of the other ladies are like me, it's an uncomfortable topic. I don't want to think about the fact that my kid will have it easy for no other reason than that she's white, and your kids might encounter animosity from "the good guys", for no other reason than they're black. This is making me think of the video where they show a white boy dressed in baggy clothes and a backwards cap "stealing" a bike in broad daylight, and people question it, but no one gets too upset. Then they set the scene with a black kid, dressed similarly and people lose their shit. Then, a white girl, and dudes are helping her steal the bike.