I don't know what to do about my relationship with my mom

[cjeanette]

Well for one I would stop telling her things and not ask her for any favors.

[ijack]

Jul 20, 2013 16:43:26 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

Well for one I would stop telling her things and not ask her for any favors.

What she said

[steph96]

Jul 20, 2013 16:50:37 GMT -5 ijack said:

Jul 20, 2013 16:43:26 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

Well for one I would stop telling her things and not ask her for any favors.

What she said

cjeanette that's the real kicker....she offered to fax it for me. When I actually said "ok got it can i email it to you and then you fax it", she flipped out.

[lime]

Jul 20, 2013 16:54:23 GMT -5 steph96 said:

Jul 20, 2013 16:50:37 GMT -5 ijack said:

What she said

cjeanette that's the real kicker....she offered to fax it for me. When I actually said "ok got it can i email it to you and then you fax it", she flipped out.

But now you know that you can't depend on her anymore. 

[steph96]

Jul 20, 2013 16:50:48 GMT -5 jjwritergirl said:

How often do you talk to her? I think cutting that down significantly will make her annoying interruptions more tolerable.

Regarding her lack of discretion, just don't tell her anything private. Only tell her things you are comfortable with the whole world knowing. I had to stop telling my mom about the more in-depth parts of my life because too many details were seeping out to others.

She calls me about once a week. If I don't answer, she will wait a day and call again. I quit going to our weekly family dinner. I quit going to the biweekly weekend lunch. Even the weekly calls stress me out.

it isn't always the fat that she is out spreading confidential information. It is the fact that she tells people everything I say. People don't need to know that my husband is out of town. They also don't need to know that my dogs barked all night last night which means that I am tired today. You came to my house and noticed that i painted my kitchen--your client that you see once every year does not care. They don't need to know that crap. Give me some privacy.

[nomad100]

Yikes, that sucks.

I am sure DH would love to commiserate with you since his mom sounds very similar (the over-sharing of personal info and the one upping). He has gotten to the point where he doesn't share things with her anymore, which makes him sad. He realizes that his mom can't keep anything to herself and no matter what the news he shares with her, she has to somehow make it all about her.

We still see her regularly but it is a very superficial relationship. I know she would like to have a closer relationship with both of us but that won't ever happen.

[lime]

But you now realize to stop telling her anything? Right?

[game blouses]

We have very, very similar moms, especially with the one-upping. The answer for me has been to limit interactions and to cut down on what I tell her. She will not like this, and might get mean. But it's worked for me. It's all about having a healthy relationship with her, even if it means you're the only healthy part of it.

[steph96]

Jul 20, 2013 17:03:18 GMT -5 lime said:

But you now realize to stop telling her anything? Right?

I know. 

[lime]

It sucks that you can't trust your mom, but I'm in the same spot with mine and it does make the relationship a bit easier if I'm not pissed off and on guard every second around her.

[steph96]

Today I called her out on telling everyone about the 2 items I mentioned in my OP. She didn't say anything and she sorta acted like she never told anyone. Then she turned around and told my cousin about the truck. But hey, she was just trying to help me out. Uhh sure.

[lime]

Yeah, calling her out won't make a difference. My mom feigns ignorance or says she was trying to help, etc.

The only long term solution is to stop feeding her. Expect her to push back on this and test your boundaries. It will get harder for a bit. GL

[nomad100]

Jul 20, 2013 17:10:53 GMT -5 steph96 said:

Today I called her out on telling everyone about the 2 items I mentioned in my OP. She didn't say anything and she sorta acted like she never told anyone. Then she turned around and told my cousin about the truck. But hey, she was just trying to help me out. Uhh sure.

Yeah, the whole "I was just trying to help" BS is such crap isn't it?  (we heard that alot before we stopped telling MIL stuff).

[pugz]

That sucks Steph. It sounds like your mom REALLY lacks boundaries, so it's time for you to get some in place. I agree that you have to stop telling her things of any importance or that you don't want shared with her mailman and gynecologist. Her poor social skills reflect poorly on her, not you. So while it may be annoying that she tells everyone the mundane details of your life, I'd let that part go. She clearly doesn't understand how to have normal conversations without people.

I think it's good that you've cut back on how often you see her. I'd just rein in what you tell her at this point and see if that helps at all. Talk about boring stuff and don't go to her for advice or favors anymore.

She doesn't sound toxic, but she does sound hella obnoxious.

[pugz]

also this book would probably be a good one to read to give you some ideas for how to handle her.

www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374358559&sr=1-1&keywords=boundaries

[steph96]

Jul 20, 2013 17:09:32 GMT -5 lime said:

It sucks that you can't trust your mom, but I'm in the same spot with mine and it does make the relationship a bit easier if I'm not pissed off and on guard every second around her.

How can you not be on guard the whole time? I feel like I constantly have to stop and think "is this something that I want everyone to know?" 

I have tried giving generic answers. I told her that work was busy since it was the end of the year. She ran around telling everyone that we are just so busy that we can't keep up and they are just working me to death. Then I feel weird when some sees me and mentions what my mom said. 

[slug*bug]

Jul 20, 2013 16:43:26 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

Well for one I would stop telling her things and not ask her for any favors.

What CJ said.

I'm sorry that your mom isn't more supportive, but as Maya Angelou says, "When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE them." I don't think it necessarily takes cutting off contact to continue a relationship with difficult family members, but at minimum, you need to establish some new boundaries with her ASAP. It stinks that you now know that you can't share confidential things with her...but unless you want her to share them with others, you just can't. (And, I'd pay the obscene faxing fees at FedEx Office from now on. Not worth it: you're an adult and get to limit your contact with her however you see fit. I'd start by not asking her to do things like send faxes for you.)

[steph96]

Jul 20, 2013 17:17:38 GMT -5 pugz said:

also this book would probably be a good one to read to give you some ideas for how to handle her.

www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374358559&sr=1-1&keywords=boundaries

Thanks! I think I will have to read this! It should help with many aspects of my life. 

[lime]

Jul 20, 2013 17:17:49 GMT -5 steph96 said:

Jul 20, 2013 17:09:32 GMT -5 lime said:

It sucks that you can't trust your mom, but I'm in the same spot with mine and it does make the relationship a bit easier if I'm not pissed off and on guard every second around her.

How can you not be on guard the whole time? I feel like I constantly have to stop and think "is this something that I want everyone to know?" 

I have tried giving generic answers. I told her that work was busy since it was the end of the year. She ran around telling everyone that we are just so busy that we can't keep up and they are just working me to death. Then I feel weird when some sees me and mentions what my mom said. 

It's been a process. A rather long process, to be precise. 

I give generic but upbeat answers. "How is work?"...."Oh, it's fine/nice."  If she is going to take a harmless comment and tell friends that you are being worked to death, you can give them a little smile and say, "You know how my mom exaggerates greatly."  Trust me, they already know. 

Remind me, Steph, how long has it been since you've lived under her roof? 

[pugz]

when you talk to her you might try just redirecting the conversation to neutral territory whenever possible or ask about how she's doing, how other people are doing, etc. Basically keep her talking so you don't have to

give really generic answers about work. "It's great! How was your week?"

[steph96]

Jul 20, 2013 17:21:32 GMT -5 lime said:

Jul 20, 2013 17:17:49 GMT -5 steph96 said:

How can you not be on guard the whole time? I feel like I constantly have to stop and think "is this something that I want everyone to know?" 

I have tried giving generic answers. I told her that work was busy since it was the end of the year. She ran around telling everyone that we are just so busy that we can't keep up and they are just working me to death. Then I feel weird when some sees me and mentions what my mom said. 

It's been a process. A rather long process, to be precise. 

I give generic but upbeat answers. "How is work?"...."Oh, it's fine/nice."  If she is going to take a harmless comment and tell friends that you are being worked to death, you can give them a little smile and say, "You know how my mom exaggerates greatly."  Trust me, they already know. 

Remind me, Steph, how long has it been since you've lived under her roof? 

It has been 5 years. 

I think she just struggles with our relationship. My brother and her work together. She sees SIL at least twice a week. My husband says that he thinks that she still treats me like a child and refuses to let go. I see what he means and we have made some great progress with her in the past year

[Deleted]

Sorry you have to deal with this! My MIL is similar...though not quite as extreme...yet....

Great advice on here.

[steph96]

(idea) I think the solution to all of this could be wine and Xanax.  :Y:

[cjeanette]

Jul 20, 2013 16:54:23 GMT -5 steph96 said:

Jul 20, 2013 16:50:37 GMT -5 ijack said:

What she said

cjeanette that's the real kicker....she offered to fax it for me. When I actually said "ok got it can i email it to you and then you fax it", she flipped out.

That is so weird.

[pugz]

oh also, not sure what your budget is like, but a few sessions with a counselor could be REALLY helpful too. It is hard to differentiate from your parents, especially if you were once close and as an adult have found the relationship to be strained and increasingly unhealthy. A therapist could really help you work through some of these issues and give you ideas for how to approach your relationship with your mom in new ways.

[lime]

Ok, so it hasn't been that long. And you said you've made some progress in the past year.

I also wanted to ditto what pugz said about turning the conversation back to her and asking her questions about herself. I am much less guarded when I'm hearing about my mom get a pedi and going on a date then when I am talking about myself, marriage, career, etc...

It sounds like you are on the right path. KOKO (I hate that phrase, but it seems applicable here.)

[Deleted]

Jul 20, 2013 17:35:42 GMT -5 pugz said:

oh also, not sure what your budget is like, but a few sessions with a counselor could be REALLY helpful too. It is hard to differentiate from your parents, especially if you were once close and as an adult have found the relationship to be strained and increasingly unhealthy. A therapist could really help you work through some of these issues and give you ideas for how to approach your relationship with your mom in new ways.

A friend of mine had really good luck with this. Both he and his wife feel MUCH better about their relationships with his mom.

And of course I love therapy in general as I know I have mentioned before:)

Good luck!

[Deleted]

My mom was similar but not quite as crazy when DH and I got engaged and I moved out. I got to the point where I did not see or speak to her or my dad for like 4 months. Up until I started dating DH we were very close and I never questioned a thing they did, really. I was really sheltered and wanted to shed their influence and I did. But they were not treating me like an adult, were bashing my decisions and I could not have that in my life, so I cut off all contact. When we reconciled, for the most part, our relationship improved 95% and I can only count on one hand the number of times where we've had minor issues/fallings out or where we've gone a week + without talking.

As much as it sucks I would start there on a trial basis and see if she calms down and keeps her trap shut.

[greencrayon]

I don't have any advice for you regarding your mom, but the fax thing is easy to fix! There's an app Jotnot Pro and it takes a picture (scans the document) and can fax if for a fee. I don't know how the fax works, I use it mostly to scan written documents to PDFs.

Good luck with finding a solution!

[catwithspots]

My FIL is the exact same way. Anything we said/shared or just chatted about in conversation was shared with everyone. I did not know the extent until I was checking out at Traget when the cashier told me she was sorry for my loss (m/c). Apprently, she worked at Target as her second job but worked with my FIL full time. The amount of personal information she knew about me/my family was astounding.

I had a frank discussion with my ILs about what is not to be shared outside of family or to whom we would want the information shared. They both shrugged their shoulders and said this is a small town and everyone is considred "family", and I needed to understand their ways. That day I stopped sharing any information and moved into a very superfacial relationship.

It caused issues in my marriage, so I second the pp whom mentioned counseling. When my DH's company was having financial issues, they shared with everyone under the same pretense of "help". My DH was mortified and finally understood what I had experienced. It was a tough uphill battle, but after serious chats, a few fights (not our proudest marital times!) with decided to take a break from them. For DH, it was a weekly call to casually chat and for me it was a clean break. The time apart allowed us to focus on our marriage and place boundries with them.

I wish you the best. I really, really implore you to consider your DH in this as well. I know I began to resent my DH when he kept allowing his parents to overstep because, " it's my parents, catswithspots!---that's who they are!!"