Post by starrieskies on Aug 1, 2013 10:46:16 GMT -5
I couldn't sleep this morning. I've been up since 4:30. My mind is going a million miles a minute and I can't concentrate on work.
I don't know how to do "the talk" with H. I know it's not going to happen until after I'm moved out, but how to do it is what I'm struggling with. My therapist thinks, based on his abusive tendencies and explosive temper, I should just leave a note that explains the situation and that reconciliation is not an option and to give me space for a couple of days and meet him for dinner (in a public place) to discuss particulars of visitation and the process. I agree that this makes sense, but I kind of feel like I owe it to him to do it face to face... What says TIP?
I got invited to go to an advertising and marketing seminar in Boston with my boss later this month. I would love to go, if for no other reason than to get away for a few days and escape, but I think the timing is bad. I will be freshly moved out and still trying to get myself and DS settled, I have no idea how badly H is going to react to any of this, and I don't think I'll be comfortable leaving DS for a few days in that situation.
Maybe you could do a bit of both. Leave a telling him to meet you x public place when he gets back right away. I agree that doing it face to face would be better but I don't know how he would react if you talk at your former home and I don't want you to get hurt.
I left a letter explaining everything when I left because of some of the same reasons. It's not the worst way to go, especially if you feel in any real danger. Not exposing yourself to emotional manipulation is always good, too.
Post by starrieskies on Aug 1, 2013 10:54:06 GMT -5
I wouldn't do it alone, I'd bring at least one friend for support. That's for certain.
I'm not going to lie though, the thought of talking to him face to face gives me MAJOR anxiety because he does have a history of violent behavior, especially when he feels like he's being attacked.
I wouldn't do it alone, I'd bring at least one friend for support. That's for certain.
I'm not going to lie though, the thought of talking to him face to face gives me MAJOR anxiety because he does have a history of violent behavior, especially when he feels like he's being attacked.
In that case, I think your therapist and gault's advice is perfectly reasonable. You don't owe him a face to face and he'll probably just turn it around and try to manipulate you during it.
Post by starrieskies on Aug 1, 2013 11:00:34 GMT -5
My parents are going to be OOT that weekend, DL. So, unfortunately that's not an option. But I would make sure to have someone with me. It's just so hard to gauge his reaction, so its hard to decide which way is the smartest.
Then there's the nagging voice in my head telling me that my therapist has seen this before and probably knows best.
If you decide to meet up with him, definitely do not meet him alone. I think a letter is possibly a good start, and then meet him later in a restaurant. Or in a counselor/mediator's office.
I like the letter idea as well, it will give you the opportunity to get everything out in the open without him interjecting his thoughts. And it will allow you the space you need to get settled.
If you have concerns about his reaction, then definitely follow your therapist's advice.
Starries, that nagging voice is your gut. Listen to it. I think people have recommended the book "The Gift of Fear" before. It's a reminder that fear is there for a reason, and when we're scared about something like this, listening to that fear can be a good thing. I would not recommend seeing him face-to-face for a while. Honestly, even a few days scares me. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she leaves. I think that it would be good to, when you do start visitation and what have you, do the trade-off at a police station. Be aware of any cars following you, vary your routes. I'm nervous for you and want to see you out and safe. The National DV hotline may be able to help you create a safety plan for once you leave, if your and your therapist haven't done that already.
Post by starrieskies on Aug 1, 2013 11:35:53 GMT -5
I know his feelings don't need to be a priority, but I want to make it as easy for everyone as possible. I know it's not going to be easy on him and that's ok, I just don't want to make it worse than it needs to be. I guess I feel like the worse I make it for him, the worse he'll make it for me and DS.
Post by starrieskies on Aug 1, 2013 11:41:11 GMT -5
Its funny that you say that, tiramisu... I was just thinking about the tarot card reading I had last month. The person told me that I overthink things instead of trusting my gut, and I needed to trust my instincts more. She was absolutely right, and so are you.
For the record, I am prepared to go and get a protection order if I need to.
I know his feelings don't need to be a priority, but I want to make it as easy for everyone as possible. I know it's not going to be easy on him and that's ok, I just don't want to make it worse than it needs to be. I guess I feel like the worse I make it for him, the worse he'll make it for me and DS.
Post by starrieskies on Aug 1, 2013 12:04:49 GMT -5
Thanks, you guys. I can't begin to tell you all how much I appreciate each and every one of you! I just can't wait for this part of it to be done so I can start moving forward! Even though I'm not as prepared with my packing as I'd like, I almost wish it was a week in the future today. 7 days seems like such a long time right now.
I'm still planning on going OOT for a couple of days (at least) after I leave. I still might have to work the Monday after for a half day, but I think that'll be ok. At least I'll be surrounded by people I know and trust.
This is probably "no doy" territory, but when you do meet up with him (I agree with everything tira said) don't tell him where you are living. I covered my tracks pretty well when I left for good - unlisted phone number, got a PO Box, etc. I like the idea of talking to him with your therapist present - she can step in if necessary and walk you to the parking lot.
It's smart to inform your HR rep/security staff what's going on as well. Just in case he shows up and demands to see you. It's happened at my office before (someone else, not me).
Post by starrieskies on Aug 1, 2013 13:11:17 GMT -5
I wish there was an HR rep / security staff at work to tell, unfortunately its such a small company that we don't have one.
What is in my favor is that I have a large window in my office that looks over the parking lot so I'll be able to see him if he drives in (no one escapes my detection ) and I'll have plenty of time to get to a back door before he even gets in the building. I normally park my car out front, but for a while, I will park in the back just in case I need to get out quickly.
Yes, I would love to be able to not tell him where I am staying, but I need to talk to my lawyer about that before I hold that information from him since I will have his son. H doesn't know that going to my parents' house is even an option for me right now, so I don't think he'll even consider that. It'll give me a couple of days at least.
I have a call into the lawyer's office to go in next week to get the ball rolling and make sure I have everything covered on that end too. I almost have the money saved up to pay the retainer in full, and she mentioned that she would work with me on the rest too. I just want to get it done. I've had a couple of people ask me why I'm in such a hurry to file, and quite frankly I just don't see a point in waiting... With any luck, by Christmas I'll have my last name back and be preparing to celebrate New Year's in style!
Me six (seven?). I know I'm probably a day and a half drive from you, but if you need a contact person, I'm here. I'm off most of August.
it takes 12 hours to get from where I am to Sacramento. How far are you from there? (I have lots of relatives in CA and have made that drive many times).