Am I Overreacting?

[morgie44]

H and I put an offer in on a house yesterday afternoon.  Last night, we were crunching the numbers to see exactly how much going up 5, 10, 15k etc would change the payment and during the converstaion, I said, I think the max I would want to pay is 335 ( we offered 320, asking was 359, not sure if that might be relevant to the issue or not).  Our realtor is DH's cousin, and so he has been the main point of contact with her.  They countered us at 350.  DH called/text.... not sure that we wanted to counter at 335, final offer.  He THEN called me to tell me about the car problems he is having, then after telling me that whole ordeal is all oh yeah, and they countered on the house.  I told realtor that we wanted to counter at 335 final offer.  I was all .  I am beyond angry, not because the end result was that different than what I would have said (I wanted to counter at 330, for the record, so not what he thought), but is that not something that you always run by your spouse before pulling the trigger on?   H has always been impulsive when he gets excited about something, and has done this act then tell me about it 10 seconds later thing before, but not on something this major. 

He is saying that he thought about calling me but thought he knew what my answer was because of our conversation last night.  He also said that when I put it "that way," it makes him sound like a jerk, but that he isn't a jerk.  I think it is a jerky thing. 

[Deleted]

communication breakdown. I had to read your post a few times to get what you are saying. Did they even accept the final offer at 335k?

[noodleoo]

I don't totally understand your post (it is a little confusing), but yes, I'd expect my H to talk to me before countering on an offer on a house. That's a pretty big deal, I'd want to be in the conversation. Actually, when we bought our house, through the offer process my H, me and our REA all discussed any offers by conference call (since we were at work). But all 3 of us were on the line usually.

It sounds like you guys had talked about it and he thought he was doing the right thing. Not that he purposely was excluding you. So I'd try to let it pass. As long as he understands why you are mad and you know he won't do it again.

I also wonder if part of it is bc you are using his cousin as a REA. That might make him more likely to talk to him (or her) without you just due to the prior relationship.

[whitemerlot]

I'm confused, too.

I guess you are saying you wanted to go in at 330 and your h went right to 335? I don't think that 5K is that big of a difference from 330 to 335.

[Deleted]

Are you overreacting? If you're angry at him, I say yes. His cousin just has some work to do and if the max you can pay is 335K and the sellers won't take it, time to move on. You're getting too emotional based on how you think the situation would have played out. He could have said 330K and they could have countered at 345K. You don't know.

[Deleted]

Yeah, I think you are overreacting a bit.

[emilyinchile]

I am confused. You said "I think the max I would want to pay is 335" but then go on to say "I wanted to counter at 330, for the record." I am Team DH unless there is additional information...you said last night that you would go up to 335, and he countered up to 335.

[justjen]

I dunno... I would be mad if my husband placed a counteroffer on a house without discussing the final decision with me.

[justjen]

Aug 5, 2013 13:26:45 GMT -5 emilyinchile said:

I am confused. You said "I think the max I would want to pay is 335" but then go on to say "I wanted to counter at 330, for the record." I am Team DH unless there is additional information...you said last night that you would go up to 335, and he countered up to 335.

She wanted to wind up at 335, but thought that a good next offer as 330. I think that's fair.

[cosmos]

yeah you are overreacting/

[sunshine608]

I agree communication breakdown. I'd be slightly irritated, but he was just doing what we discussed.
I think it also depends on your relationship. Usually, when I tell H something, I mean run with it and discuss it with me if it differs from what we have already discussed. If I told him 335 was my max, I would expect him act based on that- but that's us.

[heyrebekah]

Aug 5, 2013 13:12:13 GMT -5 morgie44 said:

 am beyond angry, not because the end result was that different than what I would have said (I wanted to counter at 330, for the record, so not what he thought), but is that not something that you always run by your spouse before pulling the trigger on?   H has always been impulsive when he gets excited about something, and has done this act then tell me about it 10 seconds later thing before, but not on something this major. 

It sounds to me like you did discuss it, so I'm not really sure more what he was supposed to run by you. He misunderstood about the dollar amount you had in mind, but it's not like he ran out and put an offer on a house without consulting you. You had a whole conversation about it and about what you would like to counter. I don't blame him for thinking that was the discussion you were looking for.

He didn't ignore you or not take your thoughts into consideration. He just got it wrong.

[Deleted]

You and your DH need to communicate more. You need to be VERY specific about your wishes . The way you explained it, it sounded like you wanted the house and would go up to 335FINAL. That's what your DH said. No where in your post did you say you wanted to counter with less but were willing to go up more.

[emilyinchile]

Aug 5, 2013 13:30:03 GMT -5 justjen said:

Aug 5, 2013 13:26:45 GMT -5 emilyinchile said:

I am confused. You said "I think the max I would want to pay is 335" but then go on to say "I wanted to counter at 330, for the record." I am Team DH unless there is additional information...you said last night that you would go up to 335, and he countered up to 335.

She wanted to wind up at 335, but thought that a good next offer as 330. I think that's fair.

Ah ok. Like I said, I honestly did not totally follow the OP...I got lost somewhere around the text vs. phone call and lack of quotation marks.

In that case, I can't choose a side without having heard last night's conversation, but overall I'm giving another vote to "communication breakdown." I would have told H to call me when he got the counter so we could decide what to do. But in the long run, it's $5k, you're not outside the bounds of what you agreed on, and obviously your H was doing what he thought was best for both of you.

[sillygoosegirl]

You are over reacting. You already talked about it. He didn't deviate from the plan. You're getting upset over like $30/month, when most likely they would have talked you up there anyway.

If it makes you feel any better, DH and I fought more in the first 6 months of home ownership that in our previous 12 years together. It's a stressful time. But it's gonna be okay. The sellers have a number in mind too. And either it's compatible with yours or it isn't. Either way, all this beating around the bush doesn't actually make that much difference.

[evans]

Aug 5, 2013 13:34:55 GMT -5 heyrebekah said:

Aug 5, 2013 13:12:13 GMT -5 morgie44 said:

 am beyond angry, not because the end result was that different than what I would have said (I wanted to counter at 330, for the record, so not what he thought), but is that not something that you always run by your spouse before pulling the trigger on?   H has always been impulsive when he gets excited about something, and has done this act then tell me about it 10 seconds later thing before, but not on something this major. 

It sounds to me like you did discuss it, so I'm not really sure more what he was supposed to run by you. He misunderstood about the dollar amount you had in mind, but it's not like he ran out and put an offer on a house without consulting you. You had a whole conversation about it and about what you would like to counter. I don't blame him for thinking that was the discussion you were looking for.

He didn't ignore you or not take your thoughts into consideration. He just got it wrong.

This is what I think too.

[justjen]

OP, I don't think you're overreacting, but clearly I'm in the minority. My DH can attest I am perhaps pricklier than most

[morgie44]

Sorry if my op was all over the place. Basically, we put an offer in yesterday. Last night, we decided the most we would be willing to pay is 335. This am they counteredat 350, dh countered back at 335 final offer. After he received the counter and his response, he called me to tell me about the counter offers. I am upset that he couldn't call me before he responded.

[mollybrown]

I vote you're overeacting. You guys agreed on a max price. If you really want this house, I think your husband did the right thing by submitting the final offer as the highest you are willing to go. The offer is already pretty far away from the seller's counter, so it doesn't seem like a good use of time to keep going back and forward. Either they come down 25k at this point or they don't.

[lime]

But he didn't deviate from your original plan, he just didn't call you first? Yeah, you are overreacting.

[mrshabious]

Aug 5, 2013 13:34:55 GMT -5 heyrebekah said:

Aug 5, 2013 13:12:13 GMT -5 morgie44 said:

 am beyond angry, not because the end result was that different than what I would have said (I wanted to counter at 330, for the record, so not what he thought), but is that not something that you always run by your spouse before pulling the trigger on?   H has always been impulsive when he gets excited about something, and has done this act then tell me about it 10 seconds later thing before, but not on something this major. 

It sounds to me like you did discuss it, so I'm not really sure more what he was supposed to run by you. He misunderstood about the dollar amount you had in mind, but it's not like he ran out and put an offer on a house without consulting you. You had a whole conversation about it and about what you would like to counter. I don't blame him for thinking that was the discussion you were looking for.

He didn't ignore you or not take your thoughts into consideration. He just got it wrong.

This is where I am on this.  It sounds like you discussed it and agreed on a way forward.  Maybe he did not realize you had more bargaining "stops" along the way.

[goaskalice]

You still have to sign the counter offer. If you wanted to go back with $330, just tell your agent to rewrite it. It should take about 2 seconds.

[kateross]

Team DH.  You verbally discussed your max ($335K), but you did not verbally discuss your next counter offer ($330K) intention. You missed out on a step. 

To start at $320K, then getting a counter from the seller for $350K, the $335K your DH offered is warranted.  Was he at fault for not starting with a second counter of $330K?  Maybe.  But you did not express it.  You only told him that your max is $335K.  You did not tell him you want to step up to $330K first.


  

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2013 13:50:37 GMT -5 morgie44 said:

Sorry if my op was all over the place. Basically, we put an offer in yesterday. Last night, we decided the most we would be willing to pay is 335. This am they counteredat 350, dh countered back at 335 final offer. After he received the counter and his response, he called me to tell me about the counter offers. I am upset that he couldn't call me before he responded.

This makes you sound like you're overreacting even more.

So you put in an offer yesterday of 320K and then they countered at 350K so your H told his cousin to submit a final offer of 335K but you've haven't heard back from that yet, you're just pissed he didn't tell you about the 350K counter before putting the 335K on the table?
If your 335K is still on the table, I think your H's cousin (the agent) should get to work and see if he can get it done at 335K. You're still 15K apart and if they only came off 9K from asking, they'll either accept or you'll need to move on. Going back at 330K and them saying 349K before you got to this point isn't going to matter much.

[UMaineTeach]

I think he went with the plan. You talked about it last night.
Also, they only went down 9k on the counter, it was time for your final offer.

[morgie44]

Ok now I am feeling like an ass. I guess I am picturing the scenes on Property Virgins, where the couple receives the counter offer and then debates about the strategy of their counter before responding. Does it make me less of a jerk if DH's car pretty much died today and will either need a new engine or need to be replaced in the next day or so? Because that happened between our conversation last night and the counter offer this morning.

ETA:  We (mostly I it seems) are completely clueless on the counter offer process.  DH's first house, that we live in now, was bought on verbal negotiations and a handshake.  We have made 4 other offers on houses 1 was rejected outright, 2 were accepted right away and then fell through, and 1 was a multiple offer situation and the bank sent back to all offers and asked for highest and best.  The last one,  DH called and emailed to call him to ask what I thought we should do, even though we had discussed a max when we put the offer in.  Maybe the stress of 9 months of house hunting and now these car issues on top are pushing me to the brink. 

[jena]

Car is irrelevant. If you can't afford a major car repair and the house, then you can't afford the house.

I still can't tell if you're upset because he skipped counter offering at 330, because he told them it was final, or just because he didn't call you first.

I would be slightly annoyed at no phone call, but not majorly.

[emilyinchile]

Aug 5, 2013 14:12:58 GMT -5 morgie44 said:

Ok now I am feeling like an ass. I guess I am picturing the scenes on Property Virgins, where the couple receives the counter offer and then debates about the strategy of their counter before responding. Does it make me less of a jerk if DH's car pretty much died today and will either need a new engine or need to be replaced in the next day or so? Because that happened between our conversation last night and the counter offer this morning.

ETA:  We (mostly I it seems) are completely clueless on the counter offer process.  DH's first house, that we live in now, was bought on verbal negotiations and a handshake.  We have made 4 other offers on houses 1 was rejected outright, 2 were accepted right away and then fell through, and 1 was a multiple offer situation and the bank sent back to all offers and asked for highest and best.  The last one,  DH called and emailed to call him to ask what I thought we should do, even though we had discussed a max when we put the offer in.  Maybe the stress of 9 months of house hunting and now these car issues on top are pushing me to the brink. 

Remember, reality shows are not real. They are doing that to make it more interesting TV, they probably aren't even buying a house.

I don't think you're wrong to prefer that your H call you beforehand in a situation like this, I just don't think it's fair to expect that he do that if you hadn't discussed it since you'd already agreed on a max number that was a reasonable counter amount. I'm sorry about the car dying though, that does suck.

[morgie44]

Aug 5, 2013 14:24:09 GMT -5 jena said:

Car is irrelevant. If you can't afford a major car repair and the house, then you can't afford the house.

I still can't tell if you're upset because he skipped counter offering at 330, because he told them it was final, or just because he didn't call you first.

I would be slightly annoyed at no phone call, but not majorly.

This one.  We can afford it, but potentially going from one mortgage to two and zero car payments to one in in basically 24 hours is anxiety inducing for me.  I still feel guilty sometimes for buying a $100 work bag that I have used every day for the past 2.5 years.  I guess that is where the breakdown lies really.  While DH is very act first ask questions later, I tend to mull and analyze, mull and analyze, then second guess after it is all said and done.  

[lime]

Aug 5, 2013 14:24:09 GMT -5 jena said:

Car is irrelevant. If you can't afford a major car repair and the house, then you can't afford the house. 

This * 1,000,000