My father just died but we had zero relationship

[tripleshot]

ETA: sorry, I meant to post this on ML.

So my brother just called and said his friend who is a fellow EMT called to tell him my bio father just died of a heart attack. My parents divorced when I was 8 and he's always been a deadbeat dad, drugs, immaturity, irresponsibility, etc. we haven't had a relationship since I was probably 12 because I saw for myself what kind of person he was. He wasn't invited to my wedding, never met my son, etc.  all my choosing. 

Honestly I'm not sad at all. I have no emotion one way or the other. I still have a close relationship with his dad, my grandpa. My grandma just died in December and my poor grandpa still isn't handling it well. So my grandpa is my only concern here. 

I do not want to travel 4 hours to a service when I am so emotionless about it. I talked to a family member and they said just send flowers for the service and a sympathy card to my grandpa.

What would you do?  I knew this day was coming sooner rather than later, but didn't expect it now. 

[mbcdefg]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

I don't think you're wrong for not wanting to go.

[tripleshot]

Sept 21, 2013 16:20:30 GMT -5 sameoldash said:

i wouldn't go. i went to my own father's funeral (the local one, not the one in his hometown) because so many people from his job were going, and they meant a lot to me growing up and i wanted to show them that respect. that's it.

look. your dad is dead. he doesn't know if you're there or not. i might be in the minority, but i feel like if you don't feel the need to be there to support anyone else that you love dearly, why subject yourself to that pain and drama? funerals are for the living, not the dead.

i'm sorry you're in this position at all. i hope you find peace.

Thanks. I would only go to support my grandpa, but sadly, that's not even making me want to go. I'm sure his brothers and sister, who are all normal contributing citizens will be upset if I don't go, but they should understand.  Maybe I could go visit my grandpa in a couple weeks or so. And now I'm over analyzing again, thinking about how they'll all treat me when my grandpa passes away and I go to his service.  I hate that he was such a shitty person and my brother and I are now in this position.

[cajunmom]

Can you make a trip in the near future just to spend some time with your grandpa?

[tripleshot]

Sept 21, 2013 16:30:10 GMT -5 cajunmom said:

Can you make a trip in the near future just to spend some time with your grandpa?

I think that's probably what I'll do.  His sister just called to tell me. She didn't know we already knew. I didn't tell her either. She said my grandpa is a mess. I don't really have a relationship with her or his brothers, but I had been getting updates on my grandpa this year from her. They were dealing with his medical and financial issues since my grandma died. So I'm not close with anyone on that side except my grandpa and friendly with my aunt. Ugh.

[UnderProtest]

If you really just want to support your grandpa, can you call him and ask him what he wants?

[stealthmom]

Sept 21, 2013 17:27:04 GMT -5 UnderProtest said:

If you really just want to support your grandpa, can you call him and ask him what he wants?

Oh, I like this.  This is what I would do I think.

[Deleted]

I would do whatever you think would make your grandpa happy (and not be a huge emotional/financial stress to you.)

It's okay not to feel much. It sounds like your processed his death many years before it happened.

At te least I would probably be sure to make very regular calls to grandpa for the next few months.

[tripleshot]

I just called my grandpa. I feel so bad for him. He kept saying that he just worked himself to death by working a lot of hours. Sorry, but I think drug abuse and partying hard for at least 40 years did the damage.

And he said the neighbors keep coming by and it's nice to know they are there for him and care. So of course I'm thinking forward to the service and me not being there and grandpa thinking I don't care about him. They're going to make arrangements Monday so I guess I'll break it to him later that I'm not going.

[orangeblossom]

Without having read all of the responses, I feel like funerals are for the living.

Your grandfather is hurting, and as such I think it would be nice for you to be there to support him. If you don't think you can do that without being angry, upset, sarcastic about your dad (which you have everyone right to be), only then would I consider not going.

It's not an way decision, good luck.

[orangeblossom]

Can't edit my post.

Thad should be every right to be. Also, I meant to say of course if this is going to be stressful or hurtful to your psyche then, going o support your grandfather may not be best.

[spunkarella]

Do what feels right to you. This is a tough situation and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[gibbinator]

Can you simply say you can't get away for the specific day of the funeral (work obligations etc) but you would like to come visit your grandpa a few days later/earlier?