This is an AE so I may be a bit vague but I'll try. A couple weeks ago my husband had mentioned a lack of passion in our relationship. I was trying to find some solutions and talked to a close friend about it. My husband found out and said I was being sneaky trying to make her hate him. So we had what I thought was a somewhat productive talk regarding all this. Then he went to get ready for bed while I had some popcorn (I totally stress eat). Then I go in to lay down and he says he's sad because he loves me but he's not in love with me anymore (that's why he no longer opens the car door, holds my hand, etc.). He proceeded to say that he can tell I feel the same. I guess I have been frustrated, tired of fighting, and losing my feelings for him too. We're at an impasse, neither of us really wants a divorce...it would tear us both apart. We just don't know if there's much else we can do. We had a level headed convo where we talked about using my job training that's coming up as a separation. Then my husband told me by separation he meant divorce and just didn't want to use that word. Can we fix this? Are we better separating? Can a stranger get some hair pats?
What do you want? Would he go to counseling with you?
Divorce isn't as scary as it may seem. It's no walk in the park, but if you are both unhappy, I doubt it will tear you apart. You get one shot at life, don't waste it being unhappy in your marriage. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Post by captainmel on Oct 14, 2013 13:20:54 GMT -5
Hair pats.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It seems like there was some serious miscommunication regarding the conversation with you and your friend. Is there a reason he thought you were being so negative to him?
Would you both be willing to go to counseling? It can do wonders for communication skills. Boyfriend and I went through a really negative time about two years ago and we spent so much time and energy working on our communication skills. We are now really strong and open with each other.
Post by starrieskies on Oct 14, 2013 13:23:09 GMT -5
First and foremost, I want to say that I am so sorry you're in this position!
I would see if he will do counseling. But in all honesty, the only way this is fixable, is if he wants to fix it too. If he is done, he's done. There's no way that you can fix that. Counseling will help you both develop clear expectations on where you both want your relationship to go from here.
You should go to counseling by yourself and see if he would go to couples counseling as well. But if he's done, he may be done done, and there may be nothing you can do to "fix" this.
don't let him project his feelings onto you. do you actually feel that way too? or is he saying that so he doesn't have to take the blame?
This is what I was wondering, too. Something is weird about this.
Sorry I took so long to come back. There are so many questions here now. I'll start with the easiest.
No, I definitely don't feel the same way he does. I'm so in love with him but he says he feels like I smother him and I need to be more independent.
In the time I took to reply he did agree to seek counseling because a divorce makes him feel sick. Which is kind of why I think you're right in that he wants me to pull the trigger.
I don't typically talk to my friends about what goes on with the 2 of us but when I talked to him it always ended the same. I was at a loss.
How did your H find out that you had talked to your friend?
I told him. He knows that my friend, C, and her husband have had similar problems because they've talked to us about it in the past. I told him I asked her what worked for them and asked if he thought we could try some of what they did.
As a follow to my last response I totally agree with him that I can be really needy and overbearing.
His reaction to your discussion with your friend makes him sound manipulative. Is that the norm?
This.
Also, I am making the assumption that you haven't become more "needy and overbearing" throughout the course of your marriage? If you have, totally ignore me, but when my ex-h started having an affair that was the type of thing he said to me. For example, we used to talk on the phone every night during our commute because with a young child at home it was the only time we could talk without being distracted. When he started his affair, he started telling me he didn't like talking to me on the drive because that was his quiet time and he didn't need to talk with me every day. That I was needy if I felt we needed to talk that much. So I started thinking that maybe people just don't talk daily when they have been together 12 years? He was very manipulative that way.
Does he give examples of this neediness? Is there truth in it -- that YOU see, not you just agreeing with him? Could there be more going on than he is telling you? I don't want to jump to conclusions. Your situation just sounds too familiar.
I finally made it back. It's been a tough week. I kind of lurked on this particular board in the past and you all really seem to echo the thoughts I've had when reading over the posts here. I'd start seeing red flags in my own relationship that I was possibly being manipulated and what not. If I take step back I can really see it. I don't think he'd have an affair but obviously I was out of the loop on other things. His examples of my being needy are things like holding my hand in public or wanting to cuddle while watching a movie. I usually call bull shit on those but then end up caving and saying he's right.
Stick with your gut on this! Those examples are all just bullshit and the fact that you feel that way and then he manipulates you into changing your mind makes me really upset for you.
I finally made it back. It's been a tough week. I kind of lurked on this particular board in the past and you all really seem to echo the thoughts I've had when reading over the posts here. I'd start seeing red flags in my own relationship that I was possibly being manipulated and what not. If I take step back I can really see it. I don't think he'd have an affair but obviously I was out of the loop on other things. His examples of my being needy are things like holding my hand in public or wanting to cuddle while watching a movie. I usually call bull shit on those but then end up caving and saying he's right.
Yeah, these are things that people do when they like each other.
Neediness is not leaving the house without him, giving him guilt if he goes out without you, not being able to get dressed without him approving your outfit...
Neediness is not showing affection for your partner.
I would say it's only recently that he quit being affectionate. I mean that's years of him being affectionate and then suddenly he's claiming that just never was an affectionate person? It's so perplexing that he can say that when his prior actions don't prove it. That's kind of my reason for caving. I figure that he's had no problems doing this stuff before so it MUST be me.
He's to the point where he's telling me it's his fault for various reasons but I just don't know what to believe anymore. I think I really know the answers to all the questions I've been asking myself this week. I just need to accept them. It's not easy though.