Post by liubotflittyfud on Jun 25, 2012 14:09:43 GMT -5
I don't understand how I am considered a trainwreck for seeing someone new and going slower than normal with them. I would think that I have been doing much better for myself.
But then again, fucking someone after 3 weeks is not frowned upon in the "timeframe of sex" post, but I'm frowned upon.
It just seems to me that it's okay for everyone else, and never okay for me. Yes I was in an abusive relationship. I have been broken up with him for 5 months. 5. I am not rushing anything. I'm not getting engaged or married to anyone. So I fucked someone I have been seeing. I'm not living with him. I see him on the weekends. Why is it such an issue?
Christ, I know this is going to cause drama, but I was genuinely excited to share my weekend. Instead I'm "still a trainwreck" and everyone is shaking their heads. Seriously?
Yeah I know no one wants to see me get involved in another shit show, and I'm doing my fucking best here to be aware of warning signs. I am not blind to anything here. I won't even say shit about love, because I probably will never let myself fall in love again because I'm so fucking afraid to get hurt again. J knows every hangup I have on every dating situation. There are days I call him and say "Listen I can't talk to you for a few days because I've got shit to deal with in my head" and he's cool with it. He doesn't push, doesn't pressure, and doesn't pry. If I want to talk about it, he listens, but I normally don't talk about it with him because that is my private shit.
I just would love to be excited about something again and be able to share it without all of the trainwreck shit. It's embarrassing knowing that everyone side-eyes every word I say.
Here's the thing....you went from an abusive relationship to single and J was acting almost predatory and not listening to you when you said you wanted to be alone for a while. Then you start taking care of yourself and being single, all the while, J is your friend, but you two were developing feelings for each other. You announce you're "offical" a few weeks ago, and now want a huge pat on the back for waiting 20some days to have sex with him, which is a first for you? You're moving too fast, which has the potential to put you in a really fucked up position in life.
We're worried about you....you are on the right track, and then take the quickest detour ever, the minute some dude shows you the slightest bit of attention. And yes, it does sound like we say one thing in one post and something different in yours....because we do....those with emotional stability are able to enter into a sexual relationship at 3 weeks and can navigate the drama that may ensue....you are not emotionally ready to handle the complications that may come along.
You're 5 months out of an abusive relationship and are a self-described co-dependent. I don't care who you are, that's rushing it. It's worrisome that you cannot see that.
Pretty much your entire 5th paragraph is why the only relationship you should be having is one with your therapist. That isn't healthy. I wish you could understand, to the core of your being, that unhealthy people do not attract healthy ones. Unless and until you become truly healthy (and 5 months ain't gonna cut it), you're just going to be reliving the same shit over and over and over again.
Post by blackkitty on Jun 25, 2012 14:20:40 GMT -5
This guy gets a huge side eye from me from being so enamored with you moments after you last boyfriend assaulted you. A normal person DOESN'T DO THAT!!!!! Seriously, does that not seem super creepy to you??
Post by sparkles17 on Jun 25, 2012 14:21:02 GMT -5
YOU having sex within 3 weeks of starting to date someone IS considered a trainwreck because of your history. The last thing that you should be doing right now is dating, as we have said many, many times, and moreso, you certainly should not be sleeping with someone. We are not trying to snark you, I really think that everyone here has your best interest in mind and doesn't want to see you hurt. Handholding doesn't get through to you, tough love doesn't get through to you, I honestly am beginning to think that you thrive on the drama, otherwise you wouldn't continue to come back here. People have offered you great advice time and time again and you just don't take it.
Post by turtle1120 on Jun 25, 2012 14:23:39 GMT -5
Congrats liubotflittyfud! You're now getting all of the attention you were looking for! It's not quite the positive attention you were hoping for, but it's negative attention and that's better than none. Right?
Post by wrathofkuus on Jun 25, 2012 14:24:11 GMT -5
I'm giving PLENTY of side-eye today, and it's pretty well-distributed. But I still think Velcro Boy is trouble, and am wringing my hands a bit at the very real possibility of sex clouding your judgment.
Liubot, the posts below assume that *both* partners are healthy and stable in said health to begin with.
5 months is not a hell of a long time to be out of an abusive relationship. It's just not. Especially when the vast majority of those months have not been healthy. You were abused. That's a huge amount of crap to work through. Add in that you were divorced before that (I'm not sure how long before), and you've got some healing to do.
I'm glad that your new dude is being great, but three weeks isn't long enough to see if this is going to be healthy or not. You need to know that *before* you get any more invested in him.
Be excited, but just be careful. Don't throw a nobody-likes-me tantrum when those who have watched you go through both the abusive shit and the fall out from said shit tell you to be careful.
You know, if you went into some intensive therapy and really took everything to heart - to the point that you decided not to date/hook up for at least a year - I'd be really excited for you if you met someone after that time.
I don't think you'll have a good relationship until you stop caring so much about finding one. I think that's a pretty universal truth. The fact that dating/having sex is the only thing that makes you excited is not good. Not even remotely. You need to find some self-worth outside of a man.
Liubot, the posts below assume that *both* partners are healthy and stable in said health to begin with. This~
Obviously 5 months out of an abusive realtionship you are not healthy. I do not know if you have gotten prof. help or not, but it seems like that would help you on your recovery.
YOU having sex within 3 weeks of starting to date someone IS considered a trainwreck because of your history. The last thing that you should be doing right now is dating, as we have said many, many times, and moreso, you certainly should not be sleeping with someone. We are not trying to snark you, I really think that everyone here has your best interest in mind and doesn't want to see you hurt. Handholding doesn't get through to you, tough love doesn't get through to you, I honestly am beginning to think that you thrive on the drama, otherwise you wouldn't continue to come back here. People have offered you great advice time and time again and you just don't take it.
Well for real, that's all I need to take. I just wanted to share my excitement for something as you ALL are allowed to do.
I don't want to complicate everyone's online lives with drama. I'm just so sick of wanting things to feel normal but they never do. I want to be like everyone else and have a normal life too, and it will never ever happen. I will always be misguided and lost and feel like I'm drowning in my own everyday life. I should have killed myself when D punched me in the face. I went to the hospital 3 days later because I didn't want to live anymore. I still don't, almost every day.
Medication DOES NOT WORK. I've felt this way inside since I was 14 years old. NOTHING works. Therapy doesn't work because talking in circles about the same fucking thing day after day does nothing but remind me that I was and always will be a loser who no one will love. My STBXH was an asshole who controlled me, and when I took control back I was considered a scumbag cunt. My xBF beat the shit out of me twice because I was doing everything wrong. I am not loveable. I am not worthy of love. I NEVER will be. I am 28 years old and I want to die alone before I turn 28 and a half. I HATE my life. I should have stayed fat, because at least that was a reason to be disgusting to men. Now I'm thin and a fucking loser anyway.
Post by letyourselfgo on Jun 25, 2012 14:38:35 GMT -5
liubotflittyfud.....you are probably the poster whose story and history is closest to my own.
I put on my big girl panties and decided to heal me. In the past two months, that decision has affected my life in ways that I could have never guessed. Do I still crave companionship, and attention? Yep. Therapy and a break from dating to get myself together is without a doubt the scariest and (when I started) most painful thing I've done....but knowing that I'll have my life back on my own terms is completely worth it.
Yes, I'm giving you the side eye. You sound like I did before I made the conscious decision to grow up and change ME.
ETA: I just read how old you are too, same age. AND being without insurance and unable to afford therapy? And having been in the hospital for a week, talking like you did. I swear, are you my doppelganger or something?
The entire situation has me cringing. I was there....and liubotflittyfud, the way you insist on treading will end in nothing but misery. Believe me......I was there for years. And not long out of that pit either.
Seriously, you need to get yourself help talking like that. I am not joking. The ladies here have given you a lot of great advice. You seem to be doing well and then you do something that shows you aren't. You are not in a healthy state of mind right now. You think a relationship will solve your issues and it won't.
you need to get yourself to a hospital asap. and dont let them release you.
She supposedly did in-patient therapy for a week a while back. Then I think she was seeing a therapist for a while afterward, but stopped because of no insurance and not being able to afford it. Obviously she still needs help.
she doesnt need insurance for hospital stay if she really wants to hurt herself, they have to take her. and there are plenty of mental health clinics she can get free or reduced counseling
*shakes Luibot* YOU NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF! THAT IS THE ONLY WAY YOU ARE GOING TO GET HEALTHY! THERE IS NOT A DAMN THING WRONG WITH YOU OTHER THAN YOU NEED TO HEAL!
::breath:: Now..
Luibot, I do not mean this cruelly, but you just proved your decided lack of health in that last post. The fact that people warning you to be careful and showing you concern can get you downright suicidal is a fucking red fireworks show with planes flying around it streaming red banners. If you sincerely think you should have killed yourself, then you need professional help. Like NOW. If you're still having suicidal feelings, then you need to get your ass to the nearest ER IMMEDIATELY.
For the record, NO ONE deserves abuse. Ever. Do not let your abusive asshat fuckwit exes win by believing that.
Little story: My mom works with a woman who is on her third marriage. Her first two were abusive in every sickening sense of the word. Her current husband is wonderful. Adores her. The fact that she was abused did not *prove* that she was unloveable. It proved that she had two asshole ex-husbands who mistakenly thought that love was tantamount to control.
You can have a normal life. But it just takes time. Healing from abuse is hard as hell. I'm *still* doing it at times. But it is doable. I promise.
Liubot, if you come back and see this, please consider taking the above advice and getting more extensive inpatient therapy. Your last post is truly disturbing.
Post by sparkles17 on Jun 25, 2012 14:48:18 GMT -5
Your response here just proves that you need more help and advice than we can offer you. PLEASE check yourself into the hosptial immediately. Everyone here wants nothing but the best for you and the main message that I have gotten from your posts is that you need and want help and just don't know how to ask for it, and even when it is offered, you don't know how to take it. You need a mental health professional and I don't think that outpatient therapy will be enough for you. Your behaviour is self-destructive and if you don't get the help that you need, you will never see it.
Of course nothing works because you still keep doing the same thing over and over again. You think only men can make you feel loved. And of course you date the bad ones that make you feel x10 000 times worse. Seriously, why don't you try something different? All you've done before hasn't worked. Listen to us. Don't date any single man for at least a year. Go to a therapist. I am pretty sure if you do that and commit to it, your life will turn positive.
We've all told you J was BAD. Yet you date him. No normal person wants to date a girl that was beaten almost to death. Yet he did. Stop complaining about how bad your life is if you're not willing to make a change.
Why are you so afraid to be on your own without a man?
You have to love yourself first. Date yourself for a while. You are not whole right now. Make yourself whole. You alone is enough.
Exactly. You have to love yourself, Liubot. When you love yourself, you won't settle for a man that loves you less. The same would go for respecting yourself, too. People are concerned about you because they care, and the fact that you interpret that as people hating you speaks volumes.
I'm truly sorry for everything you've been through in the past, but you are the only one who has the power to change your future. If you don't believe that you deserve better, well then I'm sorry for that too.
Post by explorer2001 on Jun 25, 2012 15:06:46 GMT -5
First pleaded get to a hospital or call 911. Healthy people do not post suicidal rants on semianonymous public message boards.
Next recovering from trama like you have experienced takes time. Lots of time. Approximately 18 months after getting out of the tramatic situation for your brain to return to normal chemically and for the part responsible for fight or flight impulsivereactions to shrink back to a normal size.
It will be three years next week since my exH tried to kill me. I'm happy and strong now, but 5 months wasn't enough time.
*shakes Luibot* YOU NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF! THAT IS THE ONLY WAY YOU ARE GOING TO GET HEALTHY! THERE IS NOT A DAMN THING WRONG WITH YOU OTHER THAN YOU NEED TO HEAL!
::breath:: Now..
Luibot, I do not mean this cruelly, but you just proved your decided lack of health in that last post. The fact that people warning you to be careful and showing you concern can get you downright suicidal is a fucking red fireworks show with planes flying around it streaming red banners. If you sincerely think you should have killed yourself, then you need professional help. Like NOW. If you're still having suicidal feelings, then you need to get your ass to the nearest ER IMMEDIATELY.
For the record, NO ONE deserves abuse. Ever. Do not let your abusive asshat fuckwit exes win by believing that.
Little story: My mom works with a woman who is on her third marriage. Her first two were abusive in every sickening sense of the word. Her current husband is wonderful. Adores her. The fact that she was abused did not *prove* that she was unloveable. It proved that she had two asshole ex-husbands who mistakenly thought that love was tantamount to control.
You can have a normal life. But it just takes time. Healing from abuse is hard as hell. I'm *still* doing it at times. But it is doable. I promise.
She gave great advice. To feel normal you need to BE normal. Get help now!