Tired, physically and emotionally

[Deleted]

I just need to vent and have time to type right now. I don't know if it's all the rain so DS and I were stuck indoors, or DH being grumpy from bad work days, or what, but I am just...tired. Physically and emotionally. Nothing's "wrong" per se, DH and I are okay and DS is mostly a really great kid. He sleeps 12 hours straight, and a 1.5-2 hour nap. I get at least 8 hours of sleep a night, often 10. So why I am so tired? My patience wanes fast, I'm snippy with DS and DH, I get annoyed at the tiniest things, and don't enjoy the things I used to.  Is this depression? I don't feel sad or anxious, just...tired.  Tired of parenting. I'm always in charge. I choose when DS eats and sleeps, what activities the two or three of us do, what DS wears etc..etc... Every time DH says "I don't know, whatever you want" I just want to scream. PICK SOMETHING! I'm tired of choosing everything! We just had a long baby-free day last week, we played pool and darts and had a lovely fancy dinner. So I don't know if more baby-free time is the answer.  I'm going back to yoga tomorrow, hopefully that helps. What's wrong with me?

[dexteroni]

Oct 19, 2013 14:48:19 GMT -5 @supergreen said:

What's wrong with me?

Not a parent, but I'm guessing this:

Oct 19, 2013 14:48:19 GMT -5 @supergreen said:

I'm always in charge.

I think you need more (or any) parenting breaks. Can you take some days off over the next few weekends, whether with DH or by yourself? If a few breaks don't help, then talk to your doctor.

[drloretta]

Nothing is wrong with you. DH is working late a lot lately, so a lot of things fall on me. Even with a good sleeper who naps and goes to school in the mornings, I'm still tired. It doesn't help that H will make breakfast for DD but then leave the dishes out. I know he's rushed, but it's more basic maintenance left to me.

We're actively searching for a babysitter

[pugz]

I think the monotony of life can get tiring. For me it helps to change up my routine, connect with friends, plan fun event, etc.

[ilikedonuts]

I get really annoyed at my husband too for not making a decision himself about ANYTHING. It gets old always being the one to choose everything.

[zeewifeandmama]

You sound burned out. It's hard to be the "A" parent all the time. I, myself find it exhausting as well...it burns me that dh hardly ever has an answer to what he wants to do for the weekend. Or if he does it's some insane thing that will have me caring for the kids...which is what I do all week!

[barefootcontessa]

Honestly, you sound unhappy in a lot of your posts. Have you thought about what kind of changes might help you feel less burdened?

[redheadk]

Oct 19, 2013 15:01:57 GMT -5 zeewifeandmama said:

You sound burned out. It's hard to be the "A" parent all the time. I, myself find it exhausting as well...it burns me that dh hardly ever has an answer to what he wants to do for the weekend. Or if he does it's some insane thing that will have me caring for the kids...which is what I do all week!

This, exactly.

[Deleted]

Two thoughts:
When my thyroid is off, my main symptom is that I am tired and don't GAF.

You might be happier going back to work than SAH permanently. Or organizing some childcare swapping with another SAHM (like one full day a week).

I've got two days a week where DS is in daycare, and I'm still just wiped when I have him all day. Kids are demanding. And then somehow DH still has a bunch of activities and work commitments that leave me on my own evenings and weekends...

[undecidedowl]

I feel that way too a lot. I get breaks from DS at work, but it's still just go, go, go. It gets to the point where I don't want to do anything and start to withdraw and can't even enjoy being with DS. For me, what I need is just a break for myself. Some time to do something other than parenting, working or even thinking at all. I can imagine being a SAHM and having so many responsibilities you are just exhausted. And it's a type of exhaustion that more sleep doesn't always help, because you really need to mentally recharge. Maybe it would help if you could get some alone time to just pamper yourself and feel like yourself again.

That said, if you are ever concerned about depression it never hurts to discuss with your doctor.

Hope you feel better soon!

[holly116]

I really started feeling like I was down in that hole when I didn't have my period back after DS1. So basically, I was off, hormonally. I've never had issues with my thyroid but seeing others suggest it, I'd maybe start there to see if there's something chemically wrong beyond just the overall monotony of life.

Hugs. I think most of us have felt this way at one point or another.

[dulcemariamar]

Oct 19, 2013 14:53:53 GMT -5 pugz said:

I think the monotony of life can get tiring. For me it helps to change up my routine, connect with friends, plan fun event, etc.

I agree with that. Plus, what are you doing for you? Do you have any hobbies? Are you doing playdates that allow you time to chat with other moms? Do you have time for yourself? Any goals that you are trying to reach?

[pupcake]

You could have a slight case of depression. One of the questions on the depression screen at the office I work at is do you anger easily and for minor reasons. I know just because you said that doesn't mean you are depressed but if you can't shake the feeling that something is off go to the doctor. Feeling tired even though you get enough sleep can be another sign.

[Deleted]

Oct 19, 2013 15:26:45 GMT -5 dulcemariamar said:

Oct 19, 2013 14:53:53 GMT -5 pugz said:

I think the monotony of life can get tiring. For me it helps to change up my routine, connect with friends, plan fun event, etc.

I agree with that. Plus, what are you doing for you? Do you have any hobbies? Are you doing playdates that allow you time to chat with other moms? Do you have time for yourself? Any goals that you are trying to reach?

I am starting yoga again, so that's a hobby for me. I do playdates at least once a week, but they leave me drained. I get 2 sentences into a discussion only to be interrupted by my or her kids needing something or misbehaving. I missed the last two Mom's Night Out b/c i was sick, but when I go I'm drained afterward. They usually start at 9 after all the kids are asleep, and I'm falling asleep in my chair by 11, not really participating in the drinking or conversation.

I have 30-60 minutes to myself while DS naps, plus about 2 hours with DH after bedtime. I have no goals, maybe I need some?

[curbsideprophet]

I think your DH needs to take over some of the parenting responsibility. I would be exhausted if I was always the one in charge.

[shellbear09]

You do sound depressed but your feelings also sound normal. I get sleep and I'm still tired because it's hard having a baby, it just is. Can you talk to dh about taking some burden off you? I had this issue in the beginning and it has gotten a lot better. I think it took him awhile to get confident in taking care of her and he would always defer to me. Now he is much better and I let him do things his way also instead of trying to control everything.

Also doing something fun with a friend will make you feel better. I tend to get in a rut and don't want to do anything but I feel better when I do.

[mrsfarmer]

You need something outside of the family. At the last minute, I did a 5K today which was one of my pre kid activities. Nudie me a world of good.

[redheadk]

I think you guys have honestly overextended yourselves with the farm and dh's outside job. Do you see an end in sight?

[Deleted]

Oct 19, 2013 17:42:40 GMT -5 redheadk said:

I think you guys have honestly overextended yourselves with the farm and dh's outside job. Do you see an end in sight?

Honestly, not anytime soon. Once DS is in preschool, I can devote more time to the farm to earn some extra money selling at the Farmer's Market, and to take the burden off DH. That will allow DH to spend more time with DS, giving me more autonomy to do things by myself. But we're at least a year away from that, probably 2.

[ssmjlm]

Why not start your DS in preschool when he's 2? Even just a couple mornings a week would give you some mom time?

[mrsfarmer]

Oct 19, 2013 18:25:36 GMT -5 @ojo said:

Oct 19, 2013 17:37:06 GMT -5 mrsfarmer said:

You need something outside of the family. At the last minute, I did a 5K today which was one of my pre kid activities. Nudie me a world of good.

Nudie. LOL.

Stupid tiny font on my iPad.  Did.

[barefootcontessa]

Oct 19, 2013 18:26:27 GMT -5 @supergreen said:

Oct 19, 2013 17:42:40 GMT -5 redheadk said:

I think you guys have honestly overextended yourselves with the farm and dh's outside job. Do you see an end in sight?

Honestly, not anytime soon. Once DS is in preschool, I can devote more time to the farm to earn some extra money selling at the Farmer's Market, and to take the burden off DH. That will allow DH to spend more time with DS, giving me more autonomy to do things by myself. But we're at least a year away from that, probably 2.

What is the thinking behind the farm?  From the outside, it seems like an enormous time and energy suck.  

[bunch]

Oct 19, 2013 19:05:54 GMT -5 barefootcontessa said:

Oct 19, 2013 18:26:27 GMT -5 @supergreen said:

Honestly, not anytime soon. Once DS is in preschool, I can devote more time to the farm to earn some extra money selling at the Farmer's Market, and to take the burden off DH. That will allow DH to spend more time with DS, giving me more autonomy to do things by myself. But we're at least a year away from that, probably 2.

What is the thinking behind the farm?  From the outside, it seems like an enormous time and energy suck.  

For sure. My dh loves the idea of homesteading. Loves. But I am very clear that I will not help him take on any more hobbies that require my time and energy. So instead of a garden he's cultivating mushrooms. We got rid of the chickens when we realized how much time they took and mess they made. I've scaled back my responsibilities a lot. I don't do a lot of the DIY house stuff anymore, dh and dd1 do it together on weekends. i pick projects that can be done in short spurts when I feel like it. During nap time I read or nest and make a point to relax. It's been a change, but it's necessary. My h is gone from 6-6:30 every day and I need the downtime.

[wanderlustmom]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way! I went through a rough patch when Julia was a newborn and had colic. We moved to a new area, I had two under two, I was SAH and felt very isolated. I should have gone on antidepressants--gosh I'm a therapist--but I admit I have trouble asking for help.

Anyway, I remember calling DH at work a few times to come home because I was so miserable. I remember crying in the closet and having lots of dark thoughts. Even though I didn't turn to meds and therapy (that would have helped faster) I got support from DH, took girls nights, started exercising regularly, made a community of friends and read every chance I got. I also strangely felt better resuming a regular sex life. Also the colic stopped and I could bond with my baby. Also six months later I went back to work PT. Not for everyone, but I really think my career did wonders for my mental health.

Anyway, just anecdotal, but six years later, I find that working PT, putting energy into my friendships, having my own hobbies that don't involve DH and the kids, maintaining my goal weight, sleeping eight hours a night, exercising and training for races have all kept me mostly level. I am definitely a person that has to stay on top of my mental health. It's all over my family and my mom suffers from major depression. If these ever fail, it will be to the therapist and psychiatrist I go.

Depression and anxiety are very common.

[snickers]

Hugs.

[bunch]

Also: preschool. Dd went one day a week at 1 and now 2 days at 2. It's essential for my sanity and she loves it.

[Deleted]

Yes @fivedogs that was me. I wanted one day where i didn't have to be in charge and I didn't get it. He didn't plan anything, and only by sheer dumb luck a restaurant had space for us. I had to say "let's try this restaurant. Yes, let's sit outside in case DS gets fussy. Yes, he likes pancakes" etc etc. Not a relaxing day for me. I was still in charge. I don't know how I could have "let him be in charge." He asks me questions about what I want to do, I can't just not answer him. If I say "I don't know, you pick" we go round and round until we get frustrated.

DH is in charge of some baby stuff. He bathes DS, puts on his pjs, and plays him ukulele while I "use the bathroom" (aka mess around on my phone). DH will also be watching DS weekly while I go to yoga.

The thought behind the farm is self-sufficiency and knowing where our food comes from. To raise DS with life skills we think are valuable, like raising food and animals. We have scaled back on the farm somewhat, DH and I were really stressed. The farm's not that much work right now during the fall/winter lull. Like I said, nothing's "wrong" in our lives right now. Yes, we have a full plate but I used to be able to handle that okay, and with FAR less sleep! I don't know why I'm so tired now, instead of before when I was getting 4-6 hours of fragmented sleep.

[Deleted]

Your first step really needs to be a check up with your doctor. Run some blood work. Talk about how you feel. Go from there (and definitely look into any preschool options in your area).

[Deleted]

Oct 19, 2013 21:14:51 GMT -5 littlespitfire said:

I can imagine what with SAHMing, farm chores and (I don't know why this sticks out to me but it does) living in a house where sound carries so much and having to be on guard about nap times like that, you're stretched to your limits. There is no shame in asking for help, whether it be a doctor or a babysitter. I would be drowning in your level of responsibility, and I consider myself pretty tough and hard working.

Thank you, this is nice to hear. Sometimes I feel I'm complaining about nothing. Like I'm creating problems that aren't really there. I think "I don't have to work, my life is pretty easy." It's nice to hear from an outside perspective that I actually do a lot. But DH does more. He's got a FT office job, 2+ hour commute, heavy lifting on the farm, spending time with us, and social obligations. If I ask him to take on one more thing, I think that may push him too far. I'll start thinking about what we could cut back on.

[pugz]

I think putting him in preschool part time would be good so you have some me time.

And leave him with your husband more, like saturday mornings or sunday afternoons