The funeral was today.

[Ohhmm(bligo)]

Awful.  Fucking awful.  It was the worst funeral I had ever been to.

I surprised myself, because I COULD NOT STOP CRYING.  OH MY GOD.  I WAS SUCH A DOUCHE.  I am used to being the level-headed one, who pats people comfortingly and has to make calls to other family members and make decisions and so on.  But:
1 - the deaths we have suffered in the past few years have been 'easy' ones - 'easy' as in they were old, so the services were sad, yet filled with good memories, good discussions of a nice long life, and the end of their pain and suffering.  This death was of a 32-year-old man, who was my husband's actual other half, who left behind a 28-year-old wife (my age), with her 3 year old son and 3 month old daughter.  They had wedding pictures of him up everywhere, and I hadn't realized until I was standing right in front of the family that their 6th wedding anniversary was a few weeks ago.
2 - This is the first death I've gone through now that my mean, evil therapist and PCP took my soul-killing Paxil away and put me on Prozac.  I DON'T WANT FEELS.  PUT THEM AWAY.

Horrid.  His wife was standing there, smiling and greeting and conversing, and obviously in shock and only half-aware of what was happening.  His mother was on the opposite end of the spectrum, grabbing and sobbing on strangers to thank them (me) and bursting into sobs at touching moments the speakers mentioned.  On the way out, H was talking to Friend's brother, who he hadn't met before, and commented that they looked so much alike.  Brother made a crack about how tall Friend was, which led my short H to make a crack about how he always threatened Friend with a fight and Friend laughed at him.  Brother said, "Oh, don't try that now!  He'll throw you down to the ground!"  And it never even registered to him that he was speaking about his dead brother in the present tense.

The first speaker was the karate instructor (where Friend died).  He gave a heartfelt speech about how this doesn't make fucking sense, and he's angry, and we're all angry, and there's no one to blame because there's no reason for it.  And when he gets new students, he always looks for the 'holes' in them, because karate heals you in so many different ways.  And he couldn't find any in Friend, and Friend filled everyone else's holes, and now everyone's left with more and he's not even there to fix them.
(That sounds like he was actually angry, but it wasn't.  It was really beautiful and uplifting, but honest).

AND THE FEELINGS KEPT COMING OUT MY EYES.  THEY WOULDN'T STOP.  I had only ever met Friend a handful of times.

[W.T.Faulkner]

I'm crying now.

I'm sorry for your and your H's loss, and for Friend's poor family.

Death at such a young age never makes any sense.

[McGavin]

I keep typing stuff then deleting. I'm sorry.

[bonquiqui]

I am sorry 

[kaybee85]

I'm sorry

[isabel]

I am really tearing up at this. I am so, SO sorry for your loss. I honestly can't imagine.

[Ohhmm(bligo)]

H is doing really well. He was crying through the ceremony, but he perked up after (the instructor ended his speech with reminding us that Friend would be disgusted and embarrassed by us all, and tell us to knock it off), which made everyone laugh.
He and his team (we all went together, which helped) made plans to all get together over Christmas.
On the way down to the service, a business contract which had been turning sour exploded and went down in flames, which gave him something to channel energy at, which I think helped.

Friend was really like H's brother, though. They were idiotic little boys together. They worked together for 7 years. When one went in the bathroom to take a poop, the other one would stalk them through the hall and then turn the lights off. They cracked stupid jokes about companies with Butz in the name. Whenever one would come home with a stupid idea (I need a POCKET KNIFE! They're so HANDY!), his wife would instantly say, "Let me guess...Friend has one?"

[MWOS]

too much feels

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine.

[ErinExpat]

I am very sorry for your loss.

[mandy0810]

I'm very sorry for your H's loss.

[angelaa73]

I'm so sorry. Lets get you some Paxil!!!

Hahahah

No really, I'm sorry stace

[Deleted]

I'm sorry, hon. I'm not much of a cryer normally, but funerals make me just bawl like a baby. No matter who they are. I went to a funeral for a CW who I wasn't close to, but I just sobbed insane amounts. In front of my boss and other CW's. It was ridiculous.

Anyway, I'm so sorry for your and your H's loss

[gozf]

I'm so sorry, love.

[Ohhmm(bligo)]

Shhhh...shhhhh...I feel weird that you guys are apologizing for MY loss!

But thanks for the sentiments. I hate emotions. Blrrrgh.

[winelady]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

[pantsparty]

Oh, ombliggy I'm so sorry. A funeral for someone who wasn't supposed to go, so young, is just awful. Hugs.

[runforrest]

I'm so very sorry.

[missmaddie]

I'm so sorry for everyone's (see, I didn't say "your") loss.

I've found some funerals where I wasn't close with the person to be just as, if not more, difficult because you're not "numb" or cried out yet. You're able to think rationally about what this loss really means to their family, put yourself in their shoes and imagine...and so on. It's hard, and terrible that young.

[AHappierHour]

I'm so sorry

[curtains]

I am so sorry.

[tdk2]

I am so very sorry. I had a friend die the other week, similar family structure (but we're a bit more elderly than you guys). I still can't talk about it w/o crying, hell can't think about it. It's so heartbreaking when someone is so young esp. The thought of their young kids absolutely makes me lose it ea time. I'm so sorry - that is so hard for you guys to cope with. I'm sorry for your loss and their family's loss.

[tdk2]

Oct 30, 2013 22:13:49 GMT -5 farmvillelover said:

any death is sad, but a young life gone so unexpectedly is so especially tragic. i'm so sorry.

how terrible for his family that he leaves behind, i can't even imagine.

FarmVille said my thoughts better than I could.

[crashgizmo]

hugs. I'm so sorry.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry sounds like a beautiful service for a beautiful person. His poor family.

My H lost his best friend three years ago--person he grew up with and considered practically a brother. H gave the eulogy but hasn't been able to visit the grave since then. Maybe someday. Time passing helps a little. I hope you and your H and especially his family find the same.

[firedancer49]

I'm so sorry.

[flex]

Ombligo--you're going through grief. It's okay. don't hold back. (((hugs)))

[Jalapeñomel]

I'm so sorry.

[iamgrace]

How tragic. I'm s sorry.

[nahoku]

I'm sorry again, ombligo, for you and your h and your friend's family. H lost his BFF in a car accident over the summer and we are still actively grieving, although it comes and goes. Continue to be there for your H, as I'm sure you will be, but it's okay for you to feel feelings, too. Hugs.