Moms of girls: how do you deal with body image/weight ?

[papie]

Maybe I am overthinking this and worrying too much.  I've always tried my best to never make comments about weight and about being thin or fat in a good or bad sense.  We eat healthy, and we don't diet.  But obviously, I am sure at some point in her 6 years of life she has heard me or H talk about weight gain or weight loss. 

Anna is in K and she is at a very healthy weight.  She was never a skinny kid, but never fat either (well, not after baby years, lol).  She is perfect in my humble opinion, lol. 

Yesterday she got in the car and asked "Mommy, do you think I am thin?".  It took me by surprise.  I said "um, I guess? I have never thought about it". 

Anna: I saw a girl today who was wearing black leggings like me and her legs were SO THIN.  Like my arms. 

Me: Oh that doesn't sound good, like too thin (oh shit, I shouldn't have said that)(trying to backpedal) People come in all sorts of different shapes.  The important thing is to be healthy. 

Anna: Um, no! The important thing is to be thin and pretty. 

Me: Why do you say that? Being healthy means you have enough energy to do all the fun things you like to do.

Anna: I am never eating fat again, because I want to be SO THIN. 

Me: Fat is in all the yummy things, like butter, cheese, meat, chocolate, desserts!

:::silence:::

FML.  I feel like I need a book with pre-written answers to those questions.  Do your girls talk about that already? How do you answer? Thankfully she doesn't watch what she eats, and loves her carbs and desserts too much to be serious about this.  BUT FUCK, I am pretty sure I had no idea that according to society  "thin is beautiful" when I was 6.  (Although we did make fun of our fat cousin in elementary school for sure, so part of it must be normal?)

The only other instance of this was a few months ago she was at my mom's house and saw an ad for Herbal Magic and told my mom "Yiayia, you should go to Herbal Magic so that you can be thin like me".  We laughed and forgot about it.  Ugh. 

[jaylea]

I say what you do - that we are all different shapes and sizes and that what matters is that we are healthy and strong. So we eat healthy foods and we get exercise to keep our muscles strong.

[mommytutu]

Ugh I dread this. You handled it great and I would do the same thing.

[meganew]

I remember being concerned about how chubby my upper arms and thighs were at a very young age, but I think a lot of that came from dance.

I think you're doing a great job and your answers were perfect, especially for being caught off guard! Unfortunately, you won't be her only influence in that, so just keep doing what you're doing.

[papie]

Thanks guys. I expected to have those talks in like 3-5 years, you know?



Better start prepping for period and sex talks soon, lol. NO.

[Deleted]

My mom has an unhealthy view about food/body image and talked of it a lot. I've really struggled and am still struggling to have a healthy viewpoint and relationship with food. I remember at a young age wanting to lose weight. My plan for DD is to provide healthy foods and always talk positively about her body and my own. I dread this part of being a mom because I am scared I'm going to mess it up.

[jreeds]

I try to emphasize being healthy, eating healthy foods. Everything in moderation. Everyone comes in different shapes & sizes. Food was a big issue in my house groing up and as a result I developed a very unhealthy attitude towards food/exercise that I still struggle with now. I'm trying my hardest to raise my daughter without those issues. I think you handled it just right.

[game blouses]

My mom did a lot of "How do you think you look?" and "You're beautiful no matter what." It worked until I became a teenager and basically dared her to call me fat all the time.

[blindyswife]

Nov 27, 2013 14:14:08 GMT -5 littleduck said:

Wow, I think you handled it as well as you could being taken by surprise like that!

It's definitely something kids are aware of at that age. I was. I had a friend who ditched me for being overweight. My mom was great about it though, she told me that it's what's inside that counts. She said that everyone in the world had thoughts and feelings, just like I did, and when I judged someone by their appearance, I was hurting them deeply, just how I felt when the friend started hanging out with other people because of my weight. She said those people are not using their hearts when they say those things, and that I should use my heart and not be scared of someone or cruel to them based on appearance alone.

I feel like I need to write this all down and keep it in my pocket for future convos with my kids. This is wonderful. 

[junebug]

I think you handled it well.

I am dreading this with F. My mom gave me a very unhealthy view of weight growing up and I know I have to watch how she is with dd.

[Deleted]

I am impressed, I think that you said the right things.

My DD is always talking about being pretty and wanting to wear makeup and having her nails painted. She is only 2!!! I am so NOT like this, and I try to stress the importance that she is perfect just the way she is. I have no idea how to handle these things but there was some really great advice in here.

[Moe]

Clearly I'm talking out of my ass here, but how can we start engaging girls (as young as possible) to let them know that beauty is subjective and our microsociety is forcing us to believe what they want us to believe?

I remember once having that conversation with my niece (and granted, I fully accept that I'm also very sensitive about this but from a stop with the indoctrination of princess shit - but what the hell do I know), and she asked whether she looked pretty. I asked her "what if I say no?", and we had what I considered to be an honest, rather high level and obviously elementary (for a 6 year old) conversation on why it shouldn't matter what I think or what x, y think, that beauty is whatever TV tells us, and that I will never be able to convince her right now but that beauty really doesn't matter - that being thin doesn't matter, and asking her what really mattered to her in making her happy.

Ultimately it obviously went over her head, and I doubt it made an impact, but why can't we start having the conversation that it's the big bad evil marketing monster that's telling them what is skinny enough.

I also encouraged her not to "want" to be skinny but to "want" to be active - not because they're mutually exclusive, but because activity really did matter for her health, that skinny just meant that clothes that some company did would fit her better.

Eh, I think I'm just irritated with the stock she puts on being pretty, and how everything must be "Titi Moe, titi Moe, look how pretty I look, see how I'm a princess". And while I DON'T want to tell her she is, I know that that this alone makes her day, and it's repeated daily by her family (sister/bil).

SO I would like to indoctrinate her "rage against the machine" ways. Good thing she lives far away so I don't have any influence on her whatsoever.

[pinkeggs]

I think you did a good job. My girls are 5 & 3.5 so I have been very sensitive to these talks lately. Once in awhile they see me weigh myself, and no matter what is says, I smile and say, "Yeah! I'm so healthy!" and now they say that when they are weighed at the doctor

I also talk my body up when the topic comes up. I have MAJOR body issues and am a recovering bulimic, so this is sometimes hard for me. I always emphasize how much I love my body because it is strong enough to allow me to do everything I want to do. I tell them I am grateful that my body carried them and kept them safe for so long before they were born.

Sometimes my 5 year old asks me if she is pretty and I say, "Yes, but what makes you beautiful is your kindness, not just your face."

It's really tough. We just have to do our best, right?

[iamgrace]

I think you handled it well.

I also think it's an important message for boys, too. Since I had kids I've stopped the negative self talk (out loud, anyway) about my body.

I don't do diets as a general rule and eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. I hope my kids do this as well.

I hope I can send a message that all bodies are beautiful and interesting, regardless of their size or shape, and they do awesome things for us if we treat them right.

[papie]

Nov 27, 2013 15:06:40 GMT -5 Moe said:

Eh, I think I'm just irritated with the stock she puts on being pretty, and how everything must be "Titi Moe, titi Moe, look how pretty I look, see how I'm a princess". And while I DON'T want to tell her she is, I know that that this alone makes her day, and it's repeated daily by her family (sister/bil).

I think what surprised me the most is that she is NOT into princesses and beauty stuff.  Sophia (3yo) is obsessed, but Anna is (NOW) more into dragons and monsters and wants to take karate lessons.  So I was like "where the fuck did this come from?"

[Moe]

I think that the crux of what I want to know is that, rather than telling them that we're all different and beauty comes in all forms, why aren't we attacking it at (what I believe to be and I know that this is absolutely not the only reason) the core of "this is someone else forcing their religion on you" bs. I mean, it's (somewhat) worked for religion right? So why not for whatever the fuck society tells us that beauty is?



Our generation is a lost cause, I fully admit that while I try to think that beauty is not important, I like it better when I'm thin because I can't get rid of the stigma that thin is beautiful, and I KNOW it's because I grew up with that, it's powerful, it sticks. But how can we change that?  Just like we're not focusing on boys being pretty (funny, since being "strong" -i.e. muscular - is some valued attribute) (or are we?), why can't we do the same for girls?

[papie]

Nov 27, 2013 15:23:37 GMT -5 Moe said:

 Just like we're not focusing on boys being pretty (funny, since being "strong" -i.e. muscular - is some valued attribute) (or are we?), why can't we do the same for girls?

I think you are right here, but I don't know how to do that.  It is like the natural thing to do in our beauty-obsessed society to tell them 100 times a day how beautiful they are.  Sophia walks around saying "I Sophia The Beautiful" so I already screwed up that part.  I do tell them they are smart, good learners, fast runners, and all sorts of other non beauty oriented compliments. 

Also (please don't write me off as a feminist failure) I guess I am fine with them thinking that beauty is important.  What I am terrified of is eating disorders, and body dismorphia.  Which I know is contradictory.  Ugh. 

[schitzengiggles]

I'm interested in following this thread. I have 2 girls, ages 5 and 6.
Obesity runs in the females in my family, including myself up until I finally fought back (and won! I lost 90 lbs) a few years ago. I try really hard to model good eating habits, moderation, and an active lifestyle. Yet unfortunately I am finding myself in a position where I am worried about my older daughter having to fight the same battle with weight that I did. My younger girl is totally fine, and they eat the same and have the same activity level. And I certainly don't want to make it a huge issue with my 6 year and of course I would NEVER say anything.... but obviously I want to be mindful of keeping her as healthy as possible and not ending up where I ended up. It's such a fine line to be walking. I hate it. She is only 6 but already has told me a story from school that made me go.... . She is active and has lots of friends and is super happy little girl, but I worry about how that could change in the future as she gets older, if she ends up struggling with her weight.

[kaybee85]

Nov 27, 2013 15:36:54 GMT -5 schitzengiggles said:

I'm interested in following this thread. I have 2 girls, ages 5 and 6.
Obesity runs in the females in my family, including myself up until I finally fought back (and won! I lost 90 lbs) a few years ago. I try really hard to model good eating habits, moderation, and an active lifestyle. Yet unfortunately I am finding myself in a position where I am worried about my older daughter having to fight the same battle with weight that I did. My younger girl is totally fine, and they eat the same and have the same activity level. And I certainly don't want to make it a huge issue with my 6 year and of course I would NEVER say anything.... but obviously I want to be mindful of keeping her as healthy as possible and not ending up where I ended up. It's such a fine line to be walking. I hate it. She is only 6 but already has told me a story from school that made me go.... . She is active and has lots of friends and is super happy little girl, but I worry about how that could change in the future as she gets older, if she ends up struggling with her weight.

I don't have children yet, but my weight loss/family history is very similar to yours. 

I'm terrified of dealing with food/weight issues with children. I don't want to give any future children a complex, but I also want to protect them from the struggles I went through. Ugh. 

[Captain Serious]

I have two boys and deal with this. M has always had body image issues, wanting to be washboard thin. He keeps telling me everything we serve is unhealthy, and he only wants to eat healthy things. In his mind, this means only vegetables, but he dislikes all vegetables other than peas and lettuce. He loves chicken, by will tell me that even that's not healthy. He asks to take much to echo because he wants to eat healthy, but then doesn't eat what we send because most of the time he doesn't like the healthy food. Then he comes home ravenous and wants to eat chips.

I remind him that he's growing and that protein is necessary for energy and nutrients. I tell him to that it he wants to stop eating meat, he'll have to get protein from beans and soy. And I'm constantly reminding him that potatoes, rice, pasta, and chips are okay in moderation, but not as nutritious or healthy as lean meat and vegetables.

He's very thin and active, and I keep telling him that if he doesn't eat enough healthy foods he won't have the energy to do the things he loves. That helps, but he keeps telling me he wants to be able to feel his bones in his stomach. :-(

[Captain Serious]

Oh, she may not have gotten her ideas about weight from you. I was volunteering in J's 1st grade class for their Halloween party, and was asking each student if they would rather have water or juice. Almost all the girls chose water, and then one girl picked juice. The girl sitting across from her spoke right up, "I'm drinking water because it's healthier than juice. Juice has so much sugar. I don't want to get my body used to it if I don't have to, because I almost never have it."

I'm sure that these kids talk about weight as much as they do sugar content.

[papie]

Why is this so hard? I am also thinking of our family backgrounds. My mom has been overweight for years and is obsessed with making sure kids eat but at the same time she is obsessed with beauty and gave me a hige complex when I gained a few lbs in my early twnties, resulting in yoyo weight for years. DH's family is obsessed with "healthy" cooking, and FIL seems to have an ED. he is so skinny that everyone thinks he is sick, yet he keeps exercising like crazy and eating baby portions. Both SILs struggled with their weight, and then had issues with extreme weight loss as teenagers, etc.

I wish it was simple. Why did I sign up to raise people again?

[spedrunner]

also remember that eating disorders really arent about food and eating, its more about control and things in their lives they can and cant control. Its just an outlet and guise to use......be honest with her, inform her, model a healthy lifestyle

girls are horrible at making others feel bad. I cant imagine the pressure now a days.....its got to be ten times worse. Build her confidence, self esteem and independence, work on those things, dont focus on food and exercise, etc


* I have had ED issues in the past and have had mixes with relapses. I know that one thing i hate more than anything are people in my life that would FOCUS on food, weight, exercise, talking about diets, on a new diet, off one, how much they lost, how much they ran, how much or how little they ate, etc etc etc. This was such a trigger for me, i even stopped reading blogs that focused too much of an unbalance. There is SO much more to life than food and eating. Its a horrible disorder to succumb to Im dreading thanksgiving with my family BC i have to hear my cousin talk about all her diets that have failed, how she will get back on track, how she misses her pre preg body, how she has no time for exercise, etc etc etc. Meanwhile i am TRYING to eat more and not stress about the fat and calories, etc etc etc , while she's putting it all back in there. I have asked her to stop in the past, i hope this year is different :*(

[Deleted]

This whole thread makes me want to cry. H and I both struggle with our weight, and I have my whole life. I don't say anything negative about myself in front of L, but it's hard. How do I model healthy behaviours when we're clearly not super healthy? Ugh, I just don't know.

[Deleted]

ugh. this is so hard. my mom was so good about all of this stuff, but my grandparents poisoned my thoughts (both sides, but ESPECIALLY my mom's parents) and my dad is THE classic yo-yo dieter. he's either obese (within the medical meaning of the term) or he's thin and on some INSANE, unsustainable kick like running 10 miles a day and eating nothing but cantaloupe. i'm already so tense around my parents and ILs (who are ALSO crazy dieters, although they got thinner, stayed that way, and did so with a controlled but healthy diet) whenever food and body stuff comes up on front of my kid. like when my fil proudly declared "i haven't had a doughnut in 7 years" in front of L, who was . . . eating a doughnut (she looked so confused). i wanted to shank him. or when my dad mentioned L's "fat belly" (it's true, she does/did have a round fat little kid belly) and how she'll "lose it soon." STFU, dad. my god.


anyway, i'm just venting about my issues in sympathy. this is HARD. and even though i know i can control the crap that comes out of my mouth, i can't control everyone else.

[Gato]

I don't ever talk about being or feeling fat in front of DD.  I don't disparage my own or other women's looks.

I tell her she is beautiful often.  But I encourage her to develop her talents and value herself for the things she does.

IDK if that is enough. I never had body image problems, so I'm hoping to get lucky that she'll be the same way.