New boyfriend, widow, old family - pretend.

[livinitup]

After my BIL's divorce, I was really surprised that ex-SIL dropped DH and I like a stone off a cliff. I guess in my mind, our kids are cousins and we've always had a good relationship. My home would be neutral and she would continue to feel welcome with us.

Nope. Not even a little. While death is very different, and it's been 5 years, it may still overlap some feelings that the kids can continue a relationship - but she does not want to.

I wouldn't even pin it all on the BF. She may have her own feelings that she's moving on.

And that doesn't have to be a bad thing. And it might make you sad. Maybe give her a call.

[ECB]

And to add- a lot of people are assigning this on the BF and HIM having issues. This might very well be 100% your SILs choice just simply because she knows he isn't welcome and in turn, she can't talk about him, etc.

[SusanBAnthony]

I would put money that SIL is sick of everyone not being able to deal with her moving on a full five years after BIL died. I would guess you will start to see a lot less of her, since you all (I know not you hannymaren but the rest of the family) has shown they aren't interested in being supportive of her. Why does she want to stick around if it is a one way street? Her kids are old enough to drop off now, and she has other people to hang out with.

I think this move (to not invite the boyfriend, and to not be supportive of the relationship) will have major long lasting consequences.

[Deleted]

5 years is a long time. It's only weird because you guys allow it to be at this point. For the sake of your niece and nephew, the new bf should be welcomed at family functions.

[Deleted]

Dec 8, 2013 6:56:02 GMT -5 @hannymaren said:

Dec 7, 2013 21:07:45 GMT -5 @libgrl said:

Was the new bf invited?

No.
That would be weird for everyone. I wouldn't put him through that. The family isn't ready. They are not saying anything to SIL, they are very pleasant and just avoid the topic with her.

No wonder she doesn't want to come!

I doubt I would either in that situation.

I would expect the situation to decline until the family can grow up and expect her decisions.

[kathybela]

Dec 7, 2013 15:27:39 GMT -5 @hannymaren said:

MyBIL died 5 yrs ago. SIL has a new boyfriend. She has 2 kids. 

So lets pretend you are the new boyfriend. Would you feel uncomfortable if SIL. (Your girlfriend) attended get togethers with the husband's family? 

My SIL doesnt want to attend our Xmas gathering. Eta it is not in Xmas day.  She will only send her kids. At first, my feelings were hurt (its at my house) but then I thought about it from the new boyfriends perspective. Maybe of I am him, I may not want her holding on to that memory or still being a part of that. You cant compete with a dead guy. And I know the new boyfriend should understand she always has a place in her heart for the husband, but he wouldn't want her still in her old life. 

So what would you think if you were the new boyfriend? Would you care? Understand? Prefer not? 

Boyfriend issue aside - if she's willing to send the children then I'd accept that and let it go - I'm sure that it's not personal to you but if his parents are still upset that she has moved on it's probably for the best if she just sends the children and stays away herself.

From experience I know how difficult it is from the widow's perspective - she may feel that she doesn't fit in anymore because the main link to this part of the family is gone. It's not easy to move on with your life when you feel that someone is trying to pull you back to the past (I'm referring to his parents, not you & your DH).

ETA: It's important for the children to keep their relationship with their paternal grandparents but that doesn't mean that she has to attend every family event with them and shouldn't be expected to if she's not comfortable.

[Deleted]

Dec 8, 2013 8:00:25 GMT -5 livinitup said:

After my BIL's divorce, I was really surprised that ex-SIL dropped DH and I like a stone off a cliff. I guess in my mind, our kids are cousins and we've always had a good relationship. My home would be neutral and she would continue to feel welcome with us.

Nope. Not even a little. While death is very different, and it's been 5 years, it may still overlap some feelings that the kids can continue a relationship - but she does not want to.

I wouldn't even pin it all on the BF. She may have her own feelings that she's moving on.

And that doesn't have to be a bad thing. And it might make you sad. Maybe give her a call.

See, this I understand. I guess I can't fully know how different death is from divorce since I haven't been through both, but for me it has been important to separate from my XH's family and move forward. I think if there are kids involved it is important to allow them to maintain a relationship, but the ex SIL or widowed SIL shouldn't feel any obligation to maintain a relationship with the family unless that's what feels good and right to her in her moving forward process.

I guess in a lot of ways I would think I'd do the same if my spouse passed away... over time I would need to separate myself from that part of my past in order to move into the future. I think it would be really hard and feel awful to cut ties with other people I loved, but also necessary. I was relatively close to my XH's cousin and her family and right now we're still FB friends but that's about it. I think she's fantastic and I miss that friendship but I think moving on for me means moving on from his whole family and that part of our lives. 

I guess bottom line is everyone is different and handles grief the best they can and whatever is easiest or better for them is going to have to be ok for everyone else.

[treedimensional]

I think she should WANT to attend, and I think he should want her to attend.

Good Lord, it is not a competition with a dead man. It is LIVING FAMILY. The woman and her children will always be connected to this family. The new beau should not only understand, but embrace that; just as the departed spouse's family should embrace him.

[dexteroni]

Dec 8, 2013 10:19:01 GMT -5 @hannymaren said:

And she has been dropping off the kids since 6 mths post death so we don't even get a chance to be rude to her or accept her. Except a few times a year - Xmas and some cultural holidays, and birthdays. Then she comes.

Then maybe this isn't as big of a development as it sounded from your OP? It sounds like she's been taking steps away for a while, and this is another one.

[dexteroni]

Dec 8, 2013 6:56:02 GMT -5 @hannymaren said:

Dec 7, 2013 21:07:45 GMT -5 @libgrl said:

Was the new bf invited?

No.
That would be weird for everyone. I wouldn't put him through that. The family isn't ready. They are not saying anything to SIL, they are very pleasant and just avoid the topic with her.

If they aren't ready 5 years later, they'll probably never be ready. You may be pushing SIL away further by not inviting the boyfriend. You say you want her to keep coming around, but it sounds like you've taken into consideration everyone *but* her. You mention the BF's feelings (and why? attending should be his choice to make, not yours) and those of your DH's family, but not hers. So I guess don't be surprised when the person whose feelings you don't consider doesn't want to come to your party?

[ssmjlm]

Dec 8, 2013 10:19:01 GMT -5 @hannymaren said:

This is exactly the situation. We are not that close to begin with. She is older than me. She was having kids while I was still partying in school.
And she has been dropping off the kids since 6 mths post death so we don't even get a chance to be rude to her or accept her. Except a few times a year - Xmas and some cultural holidays, and birthdays. Then she comes.

It sounds like then SIL DGAF and hasn't for a long time.

Focus on your relationship with your nieces and L knowing her cousins.

[Deleted]

Dec 8, 2013 15:54:11 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

Dec 8, 2013 10:19:01 GMT -5 @hannymaren said:

This is exactly the situation. We are not that close to begin with. She is older than me. She was having kids while I was still partying in school.
And she has been dropping off the kids since 6 mths post death so we don't even get a chance to be rude to her or accept her. Except a few times a year - Xmas and some cultural holidays, and birthdays. Then she comes.

It sounds like then SIL DGAF and hasn't for a long time.

Focus on your relationship with your nieces and L knowing her cousins.

I actually read this the opposite way. She typically comes over for Christmas, some cultural holidays, AND birthdays? And she drops the kids off in between? That's a lot of contact, IMO. 

I'm probably being overly sensitive, but accusing the SIL of not giving a fuck in this scenario seems harsh. 

[Deleted]

Dec 8, 2013 6:56:02 GMT -5 @hannymaren said:

Dec 7, 2013 21:07:45 GMT -5 @libgrl said:

Was the new bf invited?

No.
That would be weird for everyone. I wouldn't put him through that. The family isn't ready. They are not saying anything to SIL, they are very pleasant and just avoid the topic with her.

This is weird. H's uncle (his dad's brother) died of cancer about 12 years ago and Jeff's aunt and her new boyfriend (now husband) have always been included in family events and they both attend. It's not awkward for anyone as far as I can tell. Frankly, I don't blame SIL for not wanting to attend. She is probably coping the best way she knows how and this BF may be a new part of her life she would like to sheet holidays with.

[sillygoosegirl]

I don't think you should assume that the boyfriend is the reason she is choosing not to attend.  Lots of people don't especially like hanging out with their ILs, and with her husband dead, there's a lot less point to it.   Maybe she never really liked the event herself, and now feels like the kids are old enough to send them without her. Or maybe she is normally indifferent to attending, but this event gives her a chance to spend some alone time with her new BF, perhaps giving them the opportunity to make their own holiday traditions without getting the kids' hopes up.

I'm not sure I'd want to continue to have a relationship with my ILs if DH died (they live on the other side of the country and I've never gotten to know them well, nor have we ever had much in common).  But if a new boyfriend told me I had to distance myself from parts of my prior life with DH, I'd drop him like a hot potato.

[ECB]

Dec 8, 2013 15:49:57 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Dec 8, 2013 10:19:01 GMT -5 @hannymaren said:

And she has been dropping off the kids since 6 mths post death so we don't even get a chance to be rude to her or accept her. Except a few times a year - Xmas and some cultural holidays, and birthdays. Then she comes.

Then maybe this isn't as big of a development as it sounded from your OP? It sounds like she's been taking steps away for a while, and this is another one.

Yes, this.  I couldn't formulate why this response vs her original post sat oddly with me.  But yeah - it doesn't seem as shocking that she's not coming. 

And I also ditto your other response.  OP- if you and your ILs keep down this path of "not being ready" (FIVE years later) - I really do think you're going to push her even further away where next time, it's her KIDS too who don't come.  I said it before and I say it again - you ALL need to put some thought to this.  She is going to move on w/ her life at some point and if she doesn't feel support from you all - she's going to pull away.  You haven't responded to any of the posts talking about this- which I find interesting.  Are you and your ILs just sticking your head in the sand over this issue?

[Deleted]

Dec 8, 2013 17:43:41 GMT -5 sillygoosegirl said:

I don't think you should assume that the boyfriend is the reason she is choosing not to attend.  Lots of people don't especially like hanging out with their ILs, and with her husband dead, there's a lot less point to it.   Maybe she never really liked the event herself, and now feels like the kids are old enough to send them without her. Or maybe she is normally indifferent to attending, but this event gives her a chance to spend some alone time with her new BF, perhaps giving them the opportunity to make their own holiday traditions without getting the kids' hopes up.

I'm not sure I'd want to continue to have a relationship with my ILs if DH died (they live on the other side of the country and I've never gotten to know them well, nor have we ever had much in common).  But if a new boyfriend told me I had to distance myself from parts of my prior life with DH, I'd drop him like a hot potato.

I've been dating a widower with a child for almost a year. I wouldn't assume the boyfriend said anything. I dont really care if bf spends time with his wife's family, but I know with my bf, he never really enjoyed hanging out with his wife's family. He spent holidays there when his wife was alive but now mostly just sends his DD there. His DD is younger so he does go with her at times, but I know he'd prefer not to. I'm not saying this is the case for you - I'm just saying every situation is different .

[kwynn]

Dec 8, 2013 15:43:51 GMT -5 treedimensional said:

I think she should WANT to attend, and I think he should want her to attend.

Good Lord, it is not a competition with a dead man. It is LIVING FAMILY. The woman and her children will always be connected to this family. The new beau should not only understand, but embrace that; just as the departed spouse's family should embrace him.

The departed spouse's family isn't embracing him though - he isn't invited.

If he or any other man becomes her husband, how will the IL's react if the kids bring him up? Will he then be invited to events? Or will everyone act like he doesn't exist?

I think whatever is acceptable for single/living together ppl in your family should be accepted for her. So say a sibling in the family is single - are they allowed to invite a guest? If so, she should be too.

I would be really offended if my in-laws said "Come over for our Christmas gathering but don't bring _________." I'd be like - yeah, no thanks. Part of the fun of seeing someone is taking them places and doing holiday things together.

She's probably worked really, really, really hard to get to this point. We should all be really gentle in life with each other and our feelings.

I would have LONG AGO (like probably 4 years ago) said "Sally, the Christmas gathering is on X date. You are of course always welcome and please feel free to bring anyone you'd like!" And I don't care if that anyone is her sister, a friend, her babysitter, or yep, a new love interest.