DH vent - need opinions

[Deleted]

I don't know the backstory or whatever, but maybe a little hard on him. We are entitled to the occasional weekend to just have fun. However, he would be on full baby duty next weekend and I would go for a massage or something.

[holly116]

Is this really like a one time thing? Or the only bachelor party/weekend away on the schedule? If so, I'd probably suck it up, get some outside help, and write off the whole weekend.

Now, if there's something like this coming up like once a month, I'd have a different opinion.

[soozy87]

I would give him a little bit of a break, but would hope that he would do the same for me sometime soon. But, if he was being a jerk about it and demanding it, I would have a much harder time doing that.

[lolo]

This would annoy me, but I don't know your relationship dynamics.

I think the point is that you're really struggling overall, and he's not pulling his weight.

You need to tell him that you need a break. Maybe he can sleep in that morning but then you get a nap that afternoon.

And separately tell him you want him to take either sat or sun a.m. Which would he prefer?

[urbancowgirl]

I agree with @ottermama. Give him a pass this time, but then you get an entire day to yourself next weekend.

[glauren]

I am also 100% worthless when hungover. I went out last Saturday night and DH handled all MOTN wake ups as well as the next morning - in turn, I did the same the next night.
If your DH is willing to make up for his night out in other ways, I'd say give him a pass; if not, kick him in the nuts.

[crazycakes]

Is there something going on on Sunday that he can't "phone it in?" Or you just need a break/help in general?

I'm big on bargaining with DH on things like this. Like, okay, you get a free pass this weekend to go and do your thing - but next weekend I am OFF duty and you are the primary caregiver. I would probably plan a day/night out with my girlfriends or something to get out of the house and leave him on baby duty.

What's good for the gander is good for the goose and all that.

[whitemerlot]

I would sleep in on Saturday and take the morning to myself and then take some me time the next weekend.

It's tough when you have very little help.

[glitzy07]

I think I agree with the PPs if it's a rare occurrence and not a regular thing. If it's a regular thing I'd be all "Fuck this shit", hand him the baby and leave the house on Sunday morning.

That said, is there some sort of compromise that you'll let him sleep in until noon and then you get some free time in the afternoon? Or you get to sleep in on Saturday until he leaves for the party?

[countthestars]

Since this is a one time thing, I guess I would let him be useless for one weekend. But I would ABSOLUTELY be laying down ground rules about weekend mornings (we split the days) and definitely give him a whole day or two another weekend so you can get a massage/sleep/whatever.

[curbsideprophet]

I have issues with this. Especially the idea that he needs to get drunk to have a good time. I don't think he should necessarily get the whole weekend off, especially if he is not pulling his weight as it is.

[undecidedowl]

Personally, I would take issue with the fact that he is claiming he can't have fun at the bachelor party unless he gets drunk enough to be very hungover the next day. It's ok to get that drunk sometimes, but to claim you can't have any fun otherwise is a bit excessive.

I don't think you are being harsh, I would feel the same way. DH and I have started taking turns for lots of things (sleeping in, day off, etc.) So, in this case I would either offer that he could be responsible for baby from Friday until he leaves for the party or he could take all of the next weekend. Even if you don't have anywhere to go, this means he needs to do all of the 'work' of parenting.

[nonsenseabound]

So he can do Friday night and Saturday morning shift. That would be fair. Go get a massage Saturday morning and then he can do his thing otherwise.

That's how it would work in our house anyways.

[Deleted]

Ditto everyone. I'd be fine with it happening once in a while, but DH and I alternate mornings when one parent is on and the other can sleep if they want to. I'd be using Sunday as a bargaining chip for a more equitable weekend setup.

[atlas]

I agree with most of the other posters. What sticks out to me is that this bachelor party is 14 hours long. :? I can barely handle a 4 hour football game...14 hours?


Get a massage on Saturday morning.  Don't ask.  Tell.

[glitzy07]

Also, I agree with undecidedowl and curbsideprophet about the drinking to have fun thing. But I have major issues with drinking as the child of an alcoholic, and it's a frequent topic of conversation with H and I.

ETA: That sounded way holier than thou.  To clarify, I can get drunk with the best of them.  It's just the implication that it's the ONLY way to have fun that rubs me the wrong way sometimes.

[scribellesam]

I'd be pretty resentful about being on full childcare duty all weekend, but I'd let it slide if he gave me a full weekend to myself to reciprocate in the near future for shopping, spa day, etc.

[swimmette]

Meh, I would give a pass. I am pretty worthless when hung over too, so I get it. Suck it up this weekend, and when something comes up for you to go do one weekend then you get a pass. I would change my opinion if this was a weekly thing, but since it doesn't seem like it is then let it go. FWIW I do say this as drinking is pretty normal in my social group, so it's not a big deal between us as a couple.

Also, a 14 hour bachelor party seems pretty normal to me. Actually most that my H have been to last the entire weekend. I've also been to several bachelorette parties that last this long as far as drinking time.

[lolo]

I think @little_moxie nailed it.

[atlas]

Feb 13, 2014 10:50:42 GMT -5 @this said:

Feb 13, 2014 10:28:58 GMT -5 atlas said:

I agree with most of the other posters. What sticks out to me is that this bachelor party is 14 hours long. :? I can barely handle a 4 hour football game...14 hours?


Get a massage on Saturday morning.  Don't ask.  Tell.

DH and I both have two separate bachelor/bachelorette 3-4 DAYS vacations over the spring/summer. I feel this bachelor. lol

I actually think I could handle a 3 day event better than a 14 hour event.  At least I could sleep

[carolinagirl831]

If this is a once in a while thing and it is for a bachelor party, i 'd give him a pass, but he owes you the next weekend. Don't let him get away without helping the next weekend. Sleep in and go out for a few hours.

[Deleted]

I think I need more to the story. I'd be fine with it, but H is totally helpful at home for the most part and never goes anywhere.


I'd also expect that he'd return the favor down the line. I don't always like the implication that everything MUST be 50/50, straight out the gate, 100% of the time. What if the role were reversed 4 months from now. IRL this stuff usually makes itself up.

I'd also send kid to Grandma's or somewhere for a bit on the weekend (or do it the next weekend) so I can catch a break too.

So I vote too hard.

[MadamePresident]

I think its fine for parents to be able to get a break sometimes and go do things that they want. I understand its happening at a bad time for you with the teething and bronchitis, but its not like he can reschedule a bachelor's party.

Give him a pass this weekend, but I would have a separate discussion about child responsibilities. Sometimes I think spouses might not realize that you are struggling even though it seems obvious to you. I stay at home, so it will never be 50/50 between my husband and I. I nurse so I get up at night with our daughter. It sucks for me, but its just the way it works best in our house. I love the idea of us alternating sleep in weekends, but we have church on Sunday, so there is really only one sleep in day. I feel like my husband deserves it as much as I do.

Our house isn't as "equal" as others when it comes to child responsibilities, but it works for us. I think you guys need to have a similar discussion. Oh and sometimes when I get frustrated with my husband, I will reverse our roles. I think about all the things that he might think are unfair. Like after a rough night, I get to nap (he may not get up with the baby, but he does hear her). He has to go to work everyday, but I can stay with our daughter when she is being cute or GBCN while he is stuck in a meeting. Looking at things from his perspective help me calm myself and have more reasonable expectations.

[megs193]

Feb 13, 2014 10:09:08 GMT -5 crazycakes said:

Is there something going on on Sunday that he can't "phone it in?" Or you just need a break/help in general?

I'm big on bargaining with DH on things like this. Like, okay, you get a free pass this weekend to go and do your thing - but next weekend I am OFF duty and you are the primary caregiver. I would probably plan a day/night out with my girlfriends or something to get out of the house and leave him on baby duty.

What's good for the gander is good for the goose and all that.

This is exactly what we do.  My DH has a bachelor party in a few weeks. When he told me about it I immediately called my best friend and made plans for a night out.  Everyone needs a weekend off so I would be ok with it but I would expect the same in return.

[mdana]

I generally agree with @little_Moxie. I can understand, though, how it would be difficult to separate the two issues in the moment.  And his attitude regarding the whole thing would piss me off, I don't blame you for that.

eta: I would also plan something immediately for yourself, like megs193 said.

[galaxy8227]

I'd give him a pass til like 3 in the afternoon, then he'd have to pull himself together and help out if the night wakeups had been rough.

[runner09]

Feb 13, 2014 10:07:28 GMT -5 lolo said:

This would annoy me, but I don't know your relationship dynamics.

I think the point is that you're really struggling overall, and he's not pulling his weight.

You need to tell him that you need a break. Maybe he can sleep in that morning but then you get a nap that afternoon.

And separately tell him you want him to take either sat or sun a.m. Which would he prefer?

I agree with this advice. It would bother me if he generally doesn't help you out on the weekends. My house is not fairly split with baby duties so I would be annoyed.

[egishere]

I would let him have fun. It's not like he is getting wasted every weekend right? And then next weekend you go do something nice for yourself while he is on baby duty!

[anna7602]

This kind of stuff bothers me a lot less now that DD is 5.5 and equally happy with mommy or daddy around. When she was small and nursing and/or clingy/preferred me and DH's parenting help was already much reduced, I would feel resentful when he got time to himself just because.

By now, I feel like I can go and have a fun girls' weekend, so I am happy to do the same for him. But it was hard at the beginning, so I would be lying if I said I didn't understand your frustrations. I guess it all depends on how much give and take there is generally in your relationship and how soon you envision yourself getting a whole weekend off to yourself to just drink or travel or do whatever makes you happy.

[Ashley&Scott]

Feb 13, 2014 11:11:59 GMT -5 galaxy8227 said:

I'd give him a pass til like 3 in the afternoon, then he'd have to pull himself together and help out if the night wakeups had been rough.

This is where I'm at too. I wouldn't expect him to be home at 8am or anything crazy. However I would expect that by early Sunday afternoon (1-2ish) he would be home, have pulled himself together & helping - hung over or not.