Do I have to apologize or let it pass?

[vmars]

I'm a little confused, if he doesn't like cake won't he just not eat it if FIL gives it to him? Then problem solved - they gave him cake, he won't eat it...end of discussion.

[degal99]

Honestly, if you had had to say no once or twice, and were particularly snippy about it, I would vote apologize. But because you had to keep repeating yourself over, and over again, and because they were still going to give S cake, I vote team you.

[thatgirl2478]

I would probably say something along the lines of I shouldn't have lost my temper & yelled, but in the future please respect our parenting decisions.

Though personally, a little cake at a party would be NBD in my opinion. If he doesn't like it, he probably won't eat it anyway. I get that it's not about the cake though.

ETA - you don't HAVE to apologize.  I would to ease family tensions, but you don't HAVE to.  Your husband should though...

[tcu2003]

Mar 16, 2014 19:06:22 GMT -5 @natariru said:

Mar 16, 2014 19:04:19 GMT -5 vmars said:

I'm a little confused, if he doesn't like cake won't he just not eat it if FIL gives it to him? Then problem solved - they gave him cake, he won't eat it...end of discussion.

Bc I don't want him to eat cake anyway. And I don't want FIL thinking he can give him whatever he wants bc he's "grandpa". Next step is soda.

Eh, I'm team you. My FIL can be like this - he joked about giving C marshmallows at his first Christmas (when C was 6 months old). Thankfully, DH backs me up. I agree with the PP who said your husband owes you an apology for unleashing on you. As someone who's kid freaked out when his first birthday cupcake was put in front of him, there's nothing wrong with you choosing not to give your child cake, or any other food you choose.

[ECB]

Mar 16, 2014 19:06:22 GMT -5 @natariru said:

Mar 16, 2014 19:04:19 GMT -5 vmars said:

I'm a little confused, if he doesn't like cake won't he just not eat it if FIL gives it to him? Then problem solved - they gave him cake, he won't eat it...end of discussion.

Bc I don't want him to eat cake anyway. And I don't want FIL thinking he can give him whatever he wants bc he's "grandpa". Next step is soda.

Well, I think these are 2 separate issues.  I do think his insistance on giving your DS cake is odd, but I also think your insistence that DS NOT get cake is also odd.  DS had cake for his first birthday and he has yet to have soda- and he's 5.  

The fact that you and DH clearly arent on the same page is really the bigger issue. If your DH were on the same page, he would have handled this before you walked in the room and this wouldn't be falling on you.  

[gogadgetgo]

I get it. I've been through something similar with my mom over donuts and ds1. I'm sorry your DH didn't back you up when you were alone.

Eventually my mom go it but it took me blowing up 1 week pp for her to understand my 1 year old didn't need sweets, etc and stop undermining my authority.

[Chuppathingy]

I can't see how it is ever appropriate for anyone to directly undermine a parent like that (and it's happened to me a lot too). Your ILs were the ones being rude. I think your bigger problem is that your H needs to come around to seeing this so he can redirect his discomfort where it belongs.

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[callie]

You owe no apologies.

Your H on the other hand...

[rex]

the cake itself isn't even that important. your FIL insisted on something with your son that you have explicitly said you are not okay with.

team you.

[mae141]

I am afraid this is my future

I don't think you should apologize, and I think your H should not have unleashed on you.

What my kid eats is a big deal to me. I don't think there's anything wrong with you not wanting to give your baby cake, and other people need to respect that.

[Deleted]

Your FIL was annoying, certainly. I'm not sure that justifies your reaction in front of 10 family members.

Also, you seem oddly concerned about a bite of cake.

[ilikedonuts]

Hell no you shouldn't apologize! What was your idiot husband's response as to why its okay for his dad to blow you both off and try to do what he wants anyways? It doesn't matter what it is. Its the fact that your FIL thinks he gets to make decisions about other people's kids. I would have gone off on him too after the 3rd time!

This is my mom with juice. And DD is 2.5 now and it causes a huge meltdown. Its a good thing you are shutting it down now. I basically looked at my mother on Thursday and said "do you just want us to stop coming over? because if you bring up the damn juice for the 100th fucking time in front of the toddler, we will stop coming over"

[ilikedonuts]

I think people are missing the fact that its not about the cake. its the fact that your FIL seems to think he as a grandparent trumps the parent of the child.

[Velar Fricative]

FIL should not be undermining your parenting decision. So no, don't apologize. And your H should not have unleashed after the party.

But while child nutrition is my personal hill to die on too, offering cake to DD for her first birthday just doesn't worry me at all. She may hate it, but I'm looking forward to the cuteness of her at least annihilating the cake. Plus, a first birthday carrot stick seems like a bummer to me. And if she doesn't hate the cake, cake on her first birthday isn't the gateway drug to soda.

[Deleted]

It is a bit about the cake and winning parenting by having a kid that doesn't "like cake". I don't like being undermined. I also dont freak out when someone feeds my 6 month old pie. I might not apologize but I would dial it back a smidge in the future.

[faith194]

I think there were initial mixed messages- you said that he doesn't like cake(reason for no smash cake), but then you state that you don't want him having cake. Those are two different reasons for not giving him cake. My son barely ate cake on his first birthday, but it was great seeing him enjoy the mess he made!

Anyway, depending on how your tone of voice was, I would apologize for your tone, not your dietary rules. If you never lost your cool, let your DH handle it from now on. You both also need to be on the same page about this, otherwise it will be a losing battle.




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[brooklyn]

Team You. Your FIL should not be attempting to undermine your choices when it comes to your child. Your H should be apologizing to you and back you up better.

[dexteroni]

I don't think you need to apologize, but I would say try harder to keep your cool in the future. There's no reason to yell at your FIL in front of the whole family over cake. I know it's about more than cake, but also, it's not, kwim? It's not like he was putting him in a dangerous situation that warranted an aggressive reaction. There were ways to be firm about this without yelling or snapping.

Also, maybe let your DH handle IL stuff whenever possible. At the end of your saga you said your DH "finally" stepped in, but it sounds like originally he was the one talking to your FIL, and then you got involved. Thinking back, was that necessary, or would your DH have handled it? It kind of sounds like either you don't trust your DH to parent properly, or you just wanted to be the one to stick it your FIL, and I can't imagine either of those situations ending well.

[katiecj]

Mar 16, 2014 19:15:18 GMT -5 ECB said:

Mar 16, 2014 19:06:22 GMT -5 @natariru said:

Bc I don't want him to eat cake anyway. And I don't want FIL thinking he can give him whatever he wants bc he's "grandpa". Next step is soda.

Well, I think these are 2 separate issues.  I do think his insistance on giving your DS cake is odd, but I also think your insistence that DS NOT get cake is also odd.  DS had cake for his first birthday and he has yet to have soda- and he's 5.  

The fact that you and DH clearly arent on the same page is really the bigger issue. If your DH were on the same page, he would have handled this before you walked in the room and this wouldn't be falling on you.  

I agree with this. I wouldn't necessarily apologize because you said no a few times and he wasn't respecting your wishes. It does sound like you were a tad over zealous about the cake thing because of the precedent your FIL has set with his other grand kids.

Bottom line, you should only have to say no once.

[Deleted]

Mar 16, 2014 19:54:59 GMT -5 @natariru said:

Mar 16, 2014 19:46:23 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Also, maybe let your DH handle IL stuff whenever possible. At the end of your saga you said your DH "finally" stepped in, but it sounds like originally he was the one talking to your FIL, and then you got involved. Thinking back, was that necessary, or would your DH have handled it? It kind of sounds like either you don't trust your DH to parent properly, or you just wanted to be the one to stick it your FIL, and I can't imagine either of those situations ending well.

I wanted to be the one to stick it to FIL. I need to learn how to handle these types of situations bc it'll be a long friggin married life if I don't.

Trust me, let your husband handle his parents.

[curbsideprophet]

I think you overreacted. I also wonder how your DH feels about your son eating cake. It sounds like he was holding him the entire time. If that is the case why didn't he say something? If he is okay with DS being offered cake I think the two of you need to get on the same page.

Yes, your FIL should have listened to you the first time you said something. However cake at a birthday party is not the place I would make a scene. I would want to save that for something harmful( ex choking hazards such as balloons or popcorn). I think it would have been over sooner/easier if you had let FIL offer the cake and let your son refuse it.

[lilles]

I would have reacted the exact same way (and have with regards to food issues with my inlaws) and DH gets upset because his family can do no wrong even if I say things respectfully and they insist and I have to repeat myself in a firmer voice. I understand your frustration.

[ilikedonuts]

Is your FIL a "give an inch take a mile" kind of guy? That's the tone I'm getting from this story which is why I understand why you would have been snippy after he ignored you multiple times already and didn't just give in.

[oliviapope]

Mar 16, 2014 19:34:07 GMT -5 @natariru said:

Mar 16, 2014 19:29:28 GMT -5 @246baje said:

No I think everyone acknowledges that her FIL is wrong but many are also noting that her response is a little erm excessive.

Of course it was excessive! That's why I'm asking if I should apologize.
It was excessive bc I think if I let little things like this pass, it'll be a bigger issue later. But again, S is my first baby (ETA, he's my first so I never dealt w this stuff before). I'm here asking bc maybe I am being crazy.

My ILs are the king and queen of this kind of crap. I used to go all guns blazing too-but it just made me look nuts. Also, I would get all anxious when we were going to see them because I was just waiting for this crap to happen.

My advice...set the "rule" once in front of them.
He doesn't eat cake

Then when they push just say something like "this is our decision for our child/ren"

Then move on.
Do not engage with the power struggle in-laws.

[xokell2]

Good for you for sticking up for yourself. I'm the type of person who would smile uneasily, agree, and bitch about it later. I do try to not create tension, especially with family. I'd maybe drop an apology just to smooth things over

[undecidedowl]

Mar 16, 2014 19:28:13 GMT -5 ilikedonuts said:

I think people are missing the fact that its not about the cake. its the fact that your FIL seems to think he as a grandparent trumps the parent of the child.

Agreed. And I will say it seems to me that the people going on about how OP was excessive must not deal with this type of constant parental undermining.

My MIL is the same way. I have to say no and be firm otherwise it will just escalate. The times I have given in (fruit snacks for a one year old 5 minutes before bed for example) I have regretted it because she just keep pushing "oh just one more" "oh, he needs juice to go with it" etc.  It's not about the cake, it's about being clear on who makes food decisions for a baby.

My parents are very respectful of my choices on what to feed DS and I let them "break the rules" frequently because I know I can trust them not to go overboard.

[speckledfrog]

My thoughts:

1. We all get to be uptight assholes about whatever facet about our kid's life we choose. My hill to die on might not be your hill, but we all have one.
2. I would apologize just to keep the peace. Sometimes you have to eat crow to keep smooth family relationships. If not for your FIL then for your H.
3. I would explain to FIL why you were short with him. Call him on his bullshit and let him know that while you understand it's his "job" to be the fun grandpa it's also your job to make sure that your DS follows your rules.

[vanillacourage]

It's just cake....?

IDK, my FIL can be a passive-aggressive pain sometimes, but I think it's helped my position of authority to only take a real stand on things that are safety or other priority issues. 

You and your DH need to get on the same page, for sure. 

[Marmee]

I'm sure it's because my mom is that type of pushy & I "get" her & love her...but I think you over reacted. And reading that most everyone agrees with you, I'm pretty glad I have all girls. Lol. DILs (including my SILs) often seem to have a strong need to assert themselves against the ILs & I just don't feel that way. My MIL & me are very different but I don't confront her ever. I guess I give old people more of break & don't think they mean any harm so I just let it roll. I'm pretty good at walking away from uncomfortable situations. I would not apologize unless you mean it though.

[litasail]

I am completely Team You. I would be incredibly pissed and would have reacted the same way. My kid, my say, and I shouldn't need to justify it or repeat myself 20 times.