Family Vent

[neonpink]

I have an IL family vent. I can't really vent to anyone about it and it already hurts H's feelings. I love H's Brother, I consider him like my own brother but I absolutely hate that his parents so blatantly pick favorites.(Out of 4 kids.)

H  paid his own way through school by himself, scholarships, loans or with the work of us together, his parents helped his brother. We didn't the need help but sometimes we were struggling so bad and really broke. They also don't help the other two kids so I guess I shouldn't feel so bad.

At Christmas or birthdays, H seriously receives gag gifts. Christmas always sucks. His Brother gets something thoughtful. It is really hurtful. I've talked to H about it before when He's brought it up, I don't bring it up ever. I just stew on it and now I'm venting here.

Now his brother is getting married and graduated from Law school. (Same thing that H did 5 years ago.)  They bought his brother's his wedding suit, shirt and shoes. They are offering to do so much stuff for his brother and it seemed like when my H and I got married it was no big deal. My H is the eldest and it was their first kid getting married.

Lastly I forgot they also gave his brother his FI engagement ring.  Their parents had no clue how much it was worth since it was their grandmothers and they don't wear jewelry, they gave it to the brother and when he had it appraised for insurance his brother showed us that it was worth 10k. (This I find kind of evil funny. I know they wouldn't have done it had they known it was that much.)

Now today his brother's Fiancee asks if I can frame his diploma. Framing was my job in college. I think she wants me to do it. I say sure. I just now get a text from MIL if I can frame it. She said since I had you frame your H's. I wrote her backing letting her know I framed my H's and I had framed his brothers last diploma for her since she asked me too.Her saying since she had me frame my husbands is what started me on this irritated thought process.

I don't talk about it to H. He and his brother are so close and I don't want to cause a rift. I am just really tired of H who's blazed the trail of what his brother is doing now  be no big deal to his parents but all balloons and streamers when his brother does.

I just needed to put this out there. UGh I hate feeling negative and shitty about stuff.

[partiallysunny]

I get you. But I'm your H in this situation.

It honestly didn't bother me though. I just figure some people need more help than others in life and my brother is one of those people. If you're H is okay with it I think you just need to get over it.

[tiramisu]

That would irritate me too. I know I'm always more sensitive to things that hurt people I care about than to things that hurt me, so I get it. I think it's good that you're venting here. You know what they're like, so I recommend trying to keep that in mind in your interactions so hopefully you have a little bit of a buffer in your head.

[margarita]

I'm sorry, neonpink. That does suck.

[gault]

Hugs. I hear you.

[ECB]

This is the kind of thing that you have to accept that there is "something" about your DH that his parents see as "oh, he's independent, he doesn't need our help", whereas there is "something" about his brother that says the opposite.

While I totally understand your frustration, it really is better to be the prior. It really is.

For both DH and I, both our brothers (his older, mine younger) have needed financial help from our parents. It has very much gone through my mind "what's going to happen when our parents aren't here anymore? If they turn to us, they are going to be in for a shock....".

[margarita]

Mar 31, 2014 12:52:17 GMT -5 ECB said:

This is the kind of thing that you have to accept that there is "something" about your DH that his parents see as "oh, he's independent, he doesn't need our help", whereas there is "something" about his brother that says the opposite.

While I totally understand your frustration, it really is better to be the prior. It really is.

For both DH and I, both our brothers (his older, mine younger) have needed financial help from our parents. It has very much gone through my mind "what's going to happen when our parents aren't here anymore? If they turn to us, they are going to be in for a shock....".

Yep. Ditto all of this, but especially the bolded. I know it doesn't always seem like it, but you and your H really are better off being in the position you're in with all of this. It's so true.

[neonpink]

I know it hurts his feelings. He's mentioned that it does. That's why I never talk about it to him unless he says something. I usually just say positive things to him.

It's not that his brother needs a ton of help. He's just marked the favorite. He's not the kind of guy that really asks for help. I've heard them offer. I just saw my BIL over lunch he's working on his car in my garage. I have no beef with him it's just their parents obvious favoritism that gets old. The other son, the 3rd kid is the complete and total black sheep to my FIL, he is young (22) and just had a baby with his wife and because he's not doing a a typical life path my FIL hasn't even acknowledged that he has a grandson. It is totally f-ed up and weird and some days it just gets to me.

[partiallysunny]

Not acknowledging a grandchild? That is fucked up.

[neonpink]

Mar 31, 2014 13:27:32 GMT -5 partiallysunny said:

Not acknowledging a grandchild? That is fucked up.

You have no idea how sad and awkward it was. We came up to where they live the week he was born. When we arrived FIL wasn't home. We all held the baby. Crowed over how big and cute he was, he is really cute. I was there, my H, BIL, FSIL, SIL, MIL along with the new parents.  It's a baby you talk about baby things and how the birth went.   FIL came back and it was like the baby didn't exist in the living room where we all were sitting. You could see how hurt it made BIL and SIL, and my MIL was holding the baby at the time. It was so awful and awkward. It's been two months now and still nothing from my FIL.  I feel so bad for my BIL and SIL.

[starrieskies]

I know exactly how this feels! Although, I am also your H in this scenario. I'm number 3 of five. Sibling number 4 (the first son) is the golden child. He received help with college, a new car, and more financial support than I can ever imagine. Oddly enough even after his time in jail (rendering his expensive college degree completely useless), he still can do no wrong.

I came to terms with it long ago, but sometimes it still stings.

[margarita]

Mar 31, 2014 13:27:32 GMT -5 partiallysunny said:

Not acknowledging a grandchild? That is fucked up.

This is really fucked up and sad.

[exploding people]

That is so weird and awful. Who ignores a baby?

My H has the same issues with his family. His younger sisters (twins) have been coddled and get help with everything, while he has always had to manage on his own. You can see the difference though. H is a functional adult, but SILs are some of the most clueless 19-year-olds I have ever met.

[tiramisu]

Your FIL is a terrible person. Ugh. No wonder you get so irritated by your ILs.

[Wrath0fKuus]

The gag gifts for every holiday are where I would start getting mad. Have you tried, as a very first step, talking to them before the holiday as a sort of brainstorming about what kinds of things your H likes and what kinds of thoughtful things would mean a lot to him?

That's the more subtle and diplomatic way.

[neonpink]

Mar 31, 2014 14:58:17 GMT -5 Wrath0fKuus said:

The gag gifts for every holiday are where I would start getting mad. Have you tried, as a very first step, talking to them before the holiday as a sort of brainstorming about what kinds of things your H likes and what kinds of thoughtful things would mean a lot to him?

That's the more subtle and diplomatic way.

 Since I know his parents are so bad at gifts I actually email out his amazon wish list and ideas that he mentions through out the year. I copy my parents so they didn't realize it was just them. It's not that he asks for crazy things. He wanted a magazine subscription, white t-shirts and a phone charger one year.

Here are a few of the gifts that his dad thought were perfect, a remote control car he was 27, never had remote anything or even the time to play with one, in college it was a cheap plastic 80s picture of cars that the tail lights lit up with some horrible slogan about success. The last that I can think of, which was the worst and we actually left Christmas early and he was so upset. He was learning how to fly airplanes. Something he has always wanted to do. His Dad gave him this dollar store airplane hat and scarf and he laughed so hard when H opened it. He thought he was so clever. I think his his mother realized how bad it was. I know my jaw dropped.

I could forgive the horrible gifts if everyone got such craziness, but the last one he laughed so hard and thought it was so funny. You could see that my H was hurt and embarrassed.

[Wrath0fKuus]

Maybe it's time to have a private talk with them.

[neonpink]

Mar 31, 2014 15:34:05 GMT -5 Wrath0fKuus said:

Maybe it's time to have a private talk with them.

You know Kuus. I'd love to but I don't think they'd get it or even realize it. His parents are pretty selfish people. When the kids were growing up they moved them every 2-3 years around the country because they wanted to be near her family or him near the water.  H said the time that we've lived together is the longest he's ever had a home anywhere and it makes him happy to have that finally.

[Wrath0fKuus]

Well, they DEFINITELY won't get it on their own, you know?

[Deleted]

omg I must have the same ILS

My H also being the oldest and comes from a wealthy family....he gets nothing from them while the other 3 get so much. It makes me so sad for him. He tells me it doesn't bother him, but I can not see how it doesn't.

I think I get more upset then he does.

Does his B ever mention it?

[Deleted]

Mar 31, 2014 12:52:17 GMT -5 ECB said:

While I totally understand your frustration, it really is better to be the prior. It really is.

Yes. yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes times a million. 

[neonpink]

Apr 1, 2014 8:45:27 GMT -5 doglove said:

Mar 31, 2014 12:52:17 GMT -5 ECB said:

While I totally understand your frustration, it really is better to be the prior. It really is.

Yes. yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes times a million. 

Yes I am glad we've flown the proverbial nest. I just wish his Dad wasn't such an ass hat.

[Deleted]

Apr 1, 2014 9:25:54 GMT -5 neonpink said:

Apr 1, 2014 8:45:27 GMT -5 doglove said:

Yes. yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes times a million. 

Yes I am glad we've flown the proverbial nest. I just wish his Dad wasn't such an ass hat.

I know, that is the sucky part.