I have literally been wracking my brain over this for like 2 days. And I can't think of even one good, redeming quality about my exH. I don't even think he's that great of a Dad. And why the hell did I marry this man, I ask myself, and I can't come up with anything other than I wanted to be married and have kids and he was there. WTF? Did I love him? Probably. Maybe. I'm not even sure anymore. He wasn't a good husband. He wasn't a good provider. He was/is a mediocre father at best. Our sex life was *yawn*. Oh, and he was a giant son of a bitch who cheated on me our entire relationship.
I'm bringing this up, because I really have been thinking about this. I've been trying to think back to the beginning of my relationship and think about how I got to this point. How did I get from loving to loathing. I look at my BF now and he's fantastic, he's everything I always wanted as well as everything I never knew I wanted/was important to me. Did I think the same things about my exH? Maybe. But I doubt it. Maybe I forced myself to forget the good because now all I can see is the bad, or maybe, there was just only ever *just* enough good, but always way less than what I deserved.
Sorry, I'm rambling, but I would love to hear others thoughts on this, at least so that I know that I'm not crazy
Post by prettyinpearls on Jul 13, 2012 8:08:56 GMT -5
XH is an excellent people-person. He's very charismatic and (providing he likes you) he can win over someone in a very short period of time. On the flip side, he's also an excellent smooth talker and bull-shitter. Part of this is how he wins people over so quickly...it doesn't mean he's doing it for the right reasons and it's definitely not sincere.
One, it's hard to be objective about someone you have such a negative history with.
Two, in the years since you met/married/divorced your XH, you changed. What was attractive to you then is no longer the case. That's pretty common and why it's such a bad idea (generally) to marry young, when the most rapid changes occur.
I also think healing/forgiveness has a large part in this. I held onto some bitterness and resentment for a while, but now I can pick out some good qualities my XH had. It's not my favorite activity in the world, but I can approach it from a logical standpoint. It's very rare for a human being to have not one single redeeming quality.
It sounds like our situations are very, very different. I adore my ex. He's still one of my closest friends. We were very, very fortunate to end things amicably, with no hard feelings or resentments on either side. We just weren't a good couple, and now that we're out from underneath the pressure and sadness of being in a dying relationship, we are more able to appreciate one another as people.
One, it's hard to be objective about someone you have such a negative history with.
Two, in the years since you met/married/divorced your XH, you changed. What was attractive to you then is no longer the case. That's pretty common and why it's such a bad idea (generally) to marry young, when the most rapid changes occur.
I also think healing/forgiveness has a large part in this. I held onto some bitterness and resentment for a while, but now I can pick out some good qualities my XH had. It's not my favorite activity in the world, but I can approach it from a logical standpoint. It's very rare for a human being to have not one single redeeming quality.
All of this.
My ex was a fun person to be around. He was the life of the party and had everyone laughing. Granted, when I was 22 this was awesome. At 27, not so awesome.
Great dad, responsible, good work, honest, he is shy but when he says something, he means it, he is a good planner, easy to talk to.
Even though there are so many great things about him, there are other things in his personality that I didn't like and were very important for me in a partner. We do get along pretty well as parents and I see we could even be friends but I'm not willing to go there.
I can say lots of good things about my XH. He's a great dad and has really been stepping it up lately. He is recockulously funny, which is one of the things I miss the most. He also really sacrificed himself to provide for us in the divorce.
Most of the time I'm really indifferent about him, honestly. And when I do feel something for him, it's usually sadness because he's just a lost little kid.
XH is a great dad. The only time DS won't have this sad look on his face when I leave is when I leave him with XH. If I need something, like I have a flat or need something for DS, I can call him up and he will help me out.
One, it's hard to be objective about someone you have such a negative history with.
Two, in the years since you met/married/divorced your XH, you changed. What was attractive to you then is no longer the case. That's pretty common and why it's such a bad idea (generally) to marry young, when the most rapid changes occur.
I also think healing/forgiveness has a large part in this. I held onto some bitterness and resentment for a while, but now I can pick out some good qualities my XH had. It's not my favorite activity in the world, but I can approach it from a logical standpoint. It's very rare for a human being to have not one single redeeming quality.
I agree with all of this. Really, nearly everyone has some good qualities. Even if the negative far outweigh the positive. A couple of my old clients literally wanted to kill me and I could still identify positive qualities.
My ex has many good qualities. He loves animals and wants to improve the world, he's very smart, he's attractive, and he's a good climber. Some of his qualities are things I want in future partners.
I'm starting to approach tangent territory, but one thing I have worked on in therapy is identifying the positive and negative qualities because my therapist's concern is that when all you can see is the negative, you swing to the complete opposite in subsequent relationships and that can be just as bad. In fact, that's probably what I did when I first started dating my ex.
I have mostly good things to say about my ex. He has a lot of great qualities. Unfortunately the two bad things about him are just really so bad that they outweigh the good.
My XH has a "leader" personality. He's ambitious, personable, and funny. He was also very supportive if I was down on myself or stuggling with my career.
My XH has a great sense of humor and it very responsible financially.... but I'd rather have an emotionally available man than a kick ass retirement fund. Although through the divorce my retirement is pretty damn good!!
XH can be very giving. He took my on a wonderful honeymoon and surprised me with a gorgeous alexandrite pendant that I still have (and love, though I don't know when I'll ever wear it again). He also planned a fantastic proposal.
He was great with the kids in my family, and with our godson/his nephew. And he was a great support during grad school and when my first boss decided to be a jerkface for a bit (he later quit, but there was a while when he was Captain Jerkface to everybody).
He's not a terrible person. Really. But he's absolutely not what I need in a partner or a husband. The two major 'drawbacks' to him as a husband make a marriage between us impossible.
What I like about him is that I could be a goofball around him and he would be one too. He also is great at getting back on his feet after some shit happens. He's had a rough childhood and has been supporting himself since he was 17.
He was also amazing when my grandfather was sick and died. And when I got injured (about the same time). The man helped carry my books/computer to class, and when grandpa was in the hospital for what ended up being the final time, he came and got me out of class, explained the situation to my professor, and drove the 2 hours to the hospital. No complaints.
Post by explorer2001 on Jul 13, 2012 10:55:42 GMT -5
My exH was very intelligent. Unfortunately, he used it to manipulate people not to create good. He was very good at getting what he wanted. He is also very good at blackmail. He is very good at lying and preying on other people's emotions. He's a good actor and cast himself as a self sacrificing white knight.
He was also the first person where I had a O.
I was in love with who he pretended to be but definitely not him.
XH is an excellent people-person. He's very charismatic and (providing he likes you) he can win over someone in a very short period of time. On the flip side, he's also an excellent smooth talker and bull-shitter. Part of this is how he wins people over so quickly...it doesn't mean he's doing it for the right reasons and it's definitely not sincere.
This is my EXH. Charismatic and a great businessman to that effect. The charm and his humor are what drew me in and made me fall in love with him.
However, he was such a "people" person he started partying with clients 5 nights out of 7. Got into drugs and then eventually started cheating due to his people skills. But hey I guess he still has business so its a positive.....
Post by turtle1120 on Jul 13, 2012 21:06:56 GMT -5
Nope. I've got nothing. Of course my opinion of him is heavily influenced by his douchiness and our never ending custody battle. When we were still together, I would have said he was a hard worker. However, he now works half as much as he used to because he wants to minimize the amount of child support he pays. He's a real stand-up kind of guy.
Post by udscoobychick on Jul 14, 2012 11:41:21 GMT -5
XFI is a warm, caring, incredibly loyal person. He's genuinely nice. He will go to the ends of the earth to help his friends, family, and loved ones. He has an adorable smile. He tries hard. He's fantastic with kids. He was great at oral.