NHG-what would be appropriate?

[eliza22]

A friend I grew up with (but don't live near anymore) has been in a lot of trouble with the law in the last few years and recently in some major trouble. I want to reach out to her family and to her but not sure if I should or how? I'm FB friends with her sister. I just want to share that I'm thinking about them and let my friend know that I care for her (she's in jail).

Is this appropriate??? Would the family rather not hear from people about this? Do people in jail want cards from old friends?

[sailorgray]

I'd prob let it go for now. My friend's son was in jail and his family was very secretive about it. It killed them that people they have known forever knew what was going on. They weren't so dumb to think this all could go down without anyone finding out, but I think people acknowledging it would have been too much. Maybe once she is out f jail, you could try to pick up your friendship, so she knows you are still supportive of her.

[Deleted]

How well do you know the sister IRL? If you know her decently well I'd just send her a private FB and say, "In light of everything going on, please know I'm thinking of you."

If you don't know her all that well, I'd just let it go. People kind of hate to be reminded of that stuff and it's a weird situation all around to discuss/react to.

[eliza22]

I don't know her sister that well, we never hung out or anything, just went to the same schools growing up.

The stuff about my friend is all over the news, so I know the family is probably very embarrassed.

She may be in jail for quite a long time, but maybe I should wait until she is sentenced to reach out? I just don't want her to lose hope and think that people don't care.

I think it's probably best to not say anything to her family for now, I think they are going through a lot.

[policegirl402]

What if you mailed a letter to her directly at the correctional facility? That way she knows you are thinking of her and it cuts her family out of it. I would call the prison to make sure she can get mail and her proper address.

[auntie]

I'm going to play devil's advocate.

I recently went through this with one of DS's scout buddies. This was a kid I worked with to complete his Eagle Scout paperwork; DH even tutored him when he retaking a course he flunked at the local community college. He's a terrific kid who was always looking out for the underdog and got involved with a manipulative girlfriend and drugs.

If you and she were the kind of friends who grew up in each other's homes, and you know the parents from carpools and such- it would be appropriate to reach out to them with a note letting them know you're thinking of them. If they're like my young friend's parents, they're probably feeling a bit like pariahs right now. Touching base and asking for her address could be the kindest thing you do this week. I see my young scout's dad and younger sister fairly often in town- it's good to be able to ask after him. I think it sort of normalizes things to be reminded other people care about their kid.

I've never written to the kid. I can't imagine what I'd write about. DS wrapping up his degree? The brutal weather? Cool places I went to dinner? Scout events I've covered for the local paper like I did his Eagle Project? I have sent puzzle books via Amazon to the prison a couple times a year to let him know we're thinking of him. Some prisons have accounts to which you can contribute for inmates to shop at the prison store for sundry items.

[downtoearth]

I think it would be fine to send a private message letting the sister know that you are thinking of them and her sister.

[sjh722]

I agree with auntie.

I also don't think it'd be inappropriate to send a note or card to your friend who's in jail. One of my mom's cousins sons was incarcerated for awhile (similar story to auntie's friend, got mixed up with the wrong group) and I know my dad reached out to him quite a bit, wrote letters, etc and he was grateful for the support. I imagine prison can be a pretty lonely place.

[eliza22]

Thanks for all the perspectives. I'm still thinking about it but I really feel I want to reach out to my friend. I'm going to see if I can figure out what I could send her or call the jail and find out.