hypothetical; so you know two people well. Man and woman.

[mcsangel2]

My guess is she's probably not going to get over it and is never going to be comfortable thinking of him as a friend again.

[berbles]

Friendship is probably over.

[meganew]

Eek. I think she'll probably get over it, but the relationship will never be the same.

[jreeds]

Woman will probably not get over it and it will effectively end the friendship.

[madringal]

And she needs to tell him the friendship is over. It will never be the same again. And he needs to know/be called out on being a total jerk when drunk.

Edited for clarity

[gretchenindisguise]

Apr 17, 2014 17:32:16 GMT -5 berbles said:

Friendship is probably over.

Yup.

I think it depends on what you mean by "getting over". Do I think woman will ever "get over it" to the point where everything returns to normal - probably not. Do I think woman will "get over it" to the point that she's not thinking about it and moves on happily with her life, yes.

In some circumstances, I can see like 5 years down the road it becomming a "do you remember when John hit on Mary?" kind of joke of lore, but I think the underlying feelings will always be there and it'll be awkward.

[FastHands]

Sue Sue, you're awesome. These things will happen.
When you say "impacted her relationship," do you mean with Man or with Husband? If with Man, that is understandable and "she" should keep her distance and keep things professional.

[hopecounts]

Once that is out there it's out there you can't go back again and it will be the elephant in the room.
So I doubt she will get over it.

[wildfloweragain]

Woman, don't go out with the man socially again. Get over it if possible. He probably doesn't remember and if he does, he feels like a fool.

However, if it is really still bothering woman, she should tell him what he said and that she cannot remain friends with him because she is upset about it.

[W.T.Faulkner]

I'm not married, but I'm still friends with a dude who did this, and we weren't drunk.

I don't drink (much) around him, and I make it very clear how happy I am with BF, and it hasn't been an issue.

[noodleskooze]

If I were the woman, I just wouldn't feel like being friends with him anymore. It would be too awkward for me. You can't help how irresistible you are @cse1960!

[FastHands]

Apr 17, 2014 17:44:41 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Apr 17, 2014 17:35:56 GMT -5 FastHands said:

Sue Sue, you're awesome. These things will happen.
When you say "impacted her relationship," do you mean with Man or with Husband? If with Man, that is understandable and "she" should keep her distance and keep things professional.

with the man. 

OK just making sure. I think that makes perfect sense, and I think it would be trouble if the relationship *didn't* change after that sort of revelation.

[noodleskooze]

Apr 17, 2014 17:46:48 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Apr 17, 2014 17:45:05 GMT -5 noodleskooze said:

If I were the woman, I just wouldn't feel like being friends with him anymore. It would be too awkward for me. You can't help how irresistible you are @cse1960!

not me, not me. This happened at my bday party a few weeks ago .

Ah. Well, my whole response is still true. The last sentence just has nothing to do with the first two.

[hopecounts]

Apr 17, 2014 17:40:03 GMT -5 W.T.Faulkner said:

I'm not married, but I'm still friends with a dude who did this, and we weren't drunk.

I don't drink (much) around him, and I make it very clear how happy I am with BF, and it hasn't been an issue.

I think the difference is you weren't married.
Dude in this scenario hit on a married woman so clearly has boundary issues, in your situation guy hit on a single girl (or who just had a boyfriend) which is different. You were potentially available and he took a chance, in this hypothetical neither party is available so it was completely inappropriate.

[pantsparty]

I think it would be easier to forget about it if they didn't work together. Awkward City!

[EmilieMadison]

Maybe I"m a weirdo, but I think if I was the woman: I dont think this would have to be a friendship ender as long as the woman knew the man understood and accepted that her feelings were strictly platonic and that the guy would never actually do anything, and I truly enjoyed the friendship...I'd get over it. And people say dumb stuff when they're drunk. 

[shell24]

I would get over it but the friendship would be over. I would be too uncomfortable to have anything more than a superficial work relationship.

[Deleted]

I have been in that situation a starling THREE times. Every time I've just ignored it and it works out fine. The guy knows to ignore it too, and we kept working together.


Are you the woman?

[ckinla]

This happened to me with a friend of FI - he was drunk and I wasn't, and he hit on me in front of a group of friends. He actually texted me the day after to apologize, and I told him that I was very happy with FI and that we'd never be more than friends. Hasn't happened since, but I wouldn't hang out with him alone if it came up. 

[shostakovich]

Apr 17, 2014 17:48:55 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

Apr 17, 2014 17:40:03 GMT -5 W.T.Faulkner said:

I'm not married, but I'm still friends with a dude who did this, and we weren't drunk.

I don't drink (much) around him, and I make it very clear how happy I am with BF, and it hasn't been an issue.

I think the difference is you weren't married.
Dude in this scenario hit on a married woman so clearly has boundary issues, in your situation guy hit on a single girl (or who just had a boyfriend) which is different. You were potentially available and he took a chance, in this hypothetical neither party is available so it was completely inappropriate.

Something about the bolded isn't sitting right with me.  It seems dismissive.  

By your logic, I "just had a boyfriend" for 8 years before I married him.  Didn't mean I was any less committed to him than I am now that it's "official."  Either way, I was in it to win it with H, and not willing to run off with any dude who drunkenly (or not) pronounced he had feelings for me.

[sailorgray]

Apr 17, 2014 17:47:47 GMT -5 pagas said:

I am sort of shocked the woman is still upset over this days later, seems a little much.

I agree.  She needs to relax, move on and see what happens. 

[lissaholly]

Hmm. Unfortunately, the relationship would probably be guarded after this . Not because of the feelings- because of the drama. I would be waiting for his guy to take up an affair, and I would not want to be a condidant. I am assuming these are adults well out of their twenties. This isn't immature crushes that seem life or death. Drink or not, this was an invitation and that changes things for me.

[JayhawkGirl]

I think with time, they can have a casual friendship, but unfortunately it's hard to uncross a line.

Woman should be forthright with her own husband bat what happened, how it has made her feel, and that she is/may be mourning the loss of what was a good friendship. She should also be honest with the friend that is is an uncomfortable situation,they can remain friends but it's best to do things as couples, understand marital woes are not appropriate conversation topics and encourage him to seek a counselor who can help him forge ahead with healthy relationships.

[hopecounts]

Apr 17, 2014 18:42:04 GMT -5 shostakovich said:

Apr 17, 2014 17:48:55 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

I think the difference is you weren't married.
Dude in this scenario hit on a married woman so clearly has boundary issues, in your situation guy hit on a single girl (or who just had a boyfriend) which is different. You were potentially available and he took a chance, in this hypothetical neither party is available so it was completely inappropriate.

Something about the bolded isn't sitting right with me.  It seems dismissive.  

By your logic, I "just had a boyfriend" for 8 years before I married him.  Didn't mean I was any less committed to him than I am now that it's "official."  Either way, I was in it to win it with H, and not willing to run off with any dude who drunkenly (or not) pronounced he had feelings for me.

Reading over it, it's not really conveying what I meant. 
I meant that I personally could overlook a guy hitting on me when there was no ring, not because the relationship didn't matter or wasn't as valuable but because I would see it as more forgivable in a I could understand why he might take the chance and hit on me even though I was dating someone else way YKWIM?

[MixedBerryJam]

Well, I don't know about THAT woman and the man, but it would certainly affect MY relationship with the man. I'm not saying I couldn't have a respectful professional relationship with him, but I would certainly put the kaibosh on any private relationship that was developing. Shitfaced professions of lust are one thing, but shitfaced professions of lust when you are already unhappily married are quite another (talking about the man here, to be clear). I would backburner the friendship, and for the sake of my professional relationship, I think I would tell him why. But I might chicken out on that part.

[shostakovich]

Apr 17, 2014 18:53:40 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

Apr 17, 2014 18:42:04 GMT -5 shostakovich said:

Something about the bolded isn't sitting right with me.  It seems dismissive.  

By your logic, I "just had a boyfriend" for 8 years before I married him.  Didn't mean I was any less committed to him than I am now that it's "official."  Either way, I was in it to win it with H, and not willing to run off with any dude who drunkenly (or not) pronounced he had feelings for me.

Reading over it, it's not really conveying what I meant. 
I meant that I personally could overlook a guy hitting on me when there was no ring, not because the relationship didn't matter or wasn't as valuable but because I would see it as more forgivable in a I could understand why he might take the chance and hit on me even though I was dating someone else way YKWIM?

So you're saying, the guy who is expressing his feelings would see it as "just a boyfriend," and would think he had a better chance with the lady who had the boyfriend?  If that is the case, I see where you're coming from now.

And in that scenario, dude is kind of a dummy for dismissing her relationship, so either way - not worth it

[hopecounts]

Apr 17, 2014 19:00:00 GMT -5 shostakovich said:

Apr 17, 2014 18:53:40 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

Reading over it, it's not really conveying what I meant. 
I meant that I personally could overlook a guy hitting on me when there was no ring, not because the relationship didn't matter or wasn't as valuable but because I would see it as more forgivable in a I could understand why he might take the chance and hit on me even though I was dating someone else way YKWIM?

So you're saying, the guy who is expressing his feelings would see it as "just a boyfriend," and would think he had a better chance with the lady who had the boyfriend?  If that is the case, I see where you're coming from now.

And in that scenario, dude is kind of a dummy for dismissing her relationship, so either way - not worth it

Exactly, I would still not date the guy because hello Boyfriend and he's dumb for ignoring that but I would be comfortable having a "I am in a serious committed relationship and not interested" convo and moving on as friends because I would feel more comfortable that once I made my position clear he would respect that at least comfortable enough to remain friends and see if he did anything else dumb.

[Deleted]

Is it a possibility that she's freaked out because she's realized that she has a minor crush on the guy/maybe noticed a bit of attraction on the guys side and enjoyed it, and it has now rocked how she feels about her own marriage?

Im sure that's not it, but if she's upset about it weeks later then there might be some truth there. Not saying she was actually interested or anything, but who doesn't appreciate knowing that they've still got it?

[flex]

Apr 17, 2014 19:08:04 GMT -5 @roseyposey said:

Is it a possibility that she's freaked out because she's realized that she has a minor crush on the guy/maybe noticed a bit of attraction on the guys side and enjoyed it, and it has now rocked how she feels about her own marriage?

Im sure that's not it, but if she's upset about it weeks later then there might be some truth there. Not saying she was actually interested or anything, but who doesn't appreciate knowing that they've still got it?

This!

Typically there's some underlying issue when someone is upset about something like this for any length of time.  People make dumb mistakes--especially when they're drunk.  If the friend is in her 40's, surely she realizes this.  Then why is she so serious?

[hopecounts]

Apr 17, 2014 19:10:34 GMT -5 flex said:

Apr 17, 2014 19:08:04 GMT -5 @roseyposey said:

Is it a possibility that she's freaked out because she's realized that she has a minor crush on the guy/maybe noticed a bit of attraction on the guys side and enjoyed it, and it has now rocked how she feels about her own marriage?

Im sure that's not it, but if she's upset about it weeks later then there might be some truth there. Not saying she was actually interested or anything, but who doesn't appreciate knowing that they've still got it?

This!

Typically there's some underlying issue when someone is upset about something like this for any length of time.  People make dumb mistakes--especially when they're drunk.  If the friend is in her 40's, surely she realizes this.  Then why is she so serious?

She works with the guy so now she is probably stressing out about every thing she says and does that he may take it the wrong way or if anything he says/does has subtext.

If it was just a friend it would probably be less of an issue because she could just make sure it was couples only and avoid any one on one interaction but with him being a colleague it's more complicated and stressful.