Post by ridethelightning on Apr 18, 2014 13:02:04 GMT -5
I am an only. The ONLY time it has ever bothered me was when I was in grad school, working full time, and my mom had a very bad car wreck. My dad works on an oil rig, so he wasn't home until 2 weeks after it happened. I lived with them at the time, and my income was more disposable than his, so he stayed at work. I had to basically get her home from the hospital alone, and beg people to "babysit" her so I could go to class. Other than that, I've always liked it!
I have an almost 2 yr old right now and feel the same as you. I always pictured myself having two children. I am one of 6 and I like the big family feel but I could never do more than 2. Now there are days i don't think I can do more than 1. MH travelers ALL THE TIME so it would all be on me. Plus, I have no desire to be pregnant again and I'm not getting any younger (pushing mid-30s), so there's that. But then I feel sad that my DD would never have a sibling, and that makes me sad too.
Post by firedancer49 on Apr 18, 2014 13:03:28 GMT -5
While I'm not an only child, my sister is 10 years older than I am. The one thing I can remember that I did not like that still is in my head all these years later are when we would go on vacations and/or go places on the weekend I would want someone close in age (ie. a friend) to come with us. My sister got married young, so when I was 11 she was out of the house. Every vacation or trip after that sucked for me because it was me and my parents and that's it. So not a huge reason, but something that still bothers me.
I'm an only and I think I've turned out ok. I never really wanted a sibling growing up, although as an adult I think it might be nice. I don't exactly look forward to being the only one to care for my mom as she ages, but I'll cross that bridge when we get there. Other than that, I actually liked having all the attention to myself growing up.
I am an only. I would sometimes wish for siblings... then my very wise parents would have my cousins over. I loved them, and we had a ton of fun, but it would be awhile again before I wanted siblings. I valued my stuff (and I took much better care of it, since it was mine) and my space. I am very close with my parents as an adult and I enjoyed being an only.
If it werent for N being a surprise, P would be an only. That thought totally makes me super sad to think about because he's fricken great. I can totally understand how this would be a hard decision though. (((HUGS Farmer)))
My H enjoyed being an only growing up, but he says he really loves being around my larger family (4 kids). We're thinking we might only have one, so while he sometimes wished he had siblings, it wasn't a traumatic experience for him.
Post by justcallmekhaleesi on Apr 18, 2014 13:07:41 GMT -5
I'm not an only child, but DH and I are 99% sure we're one and done.
Having one child made me realize I don't want any more, as bad as that may sound lol. I just do not think I have it in me for another one. DD is a handful by herself. I cannot imagine having a newborn right now.
If we do end up deciding to TTC it won't be until DD goes to kindergarten next year and even then, I think it's a pretty remote possibility.
Post by Booze Raccoon on Apr 18, 2014 13:09:00 GMT -5
I have an only. She is a dream child minus a minor but energy consuming illness.
I wish I could give her a sibling because she has no one to play with. I am her playmate 24/7 and it's draining. I also don't want her to be an adult alone. (Yes, I know sibs don't always grow up to be friends, case in point, my brother doesn't speak to me). But DH and I are older parents and she'll need to deal with us one day and after we're gone, she'll be alone. I pray she has a family of her own before then.
The reasons I cannot give her a sib are:
1. Financially it's not a wise decision 2. I'm almost 42. I had a difficult pregnancy with her and it's only going to get worse. 3. I've suffered 2 losses. One was at 20 weeks where I had to deliver the baby. It nearly killed me emotionally. 4. I HATED being pregnant. 5. I'm on some important medications right now which cannot be taken during pregnancy.
Mostly I'm very sad that I cannot give her a sibling.
Post by illgetthere on Apr 18, 2014 13:09:09 GMT -5
Are there/will there be any neices or nephews on your H's side? I don't guess it really matters since you said family isn't close, but that's the only thing I like now about having a step-sibling. I was an only child and didn't mind it at all. While it never bothered me, it would have been nice to have someone else around since we moved all of the time. I've had a step-sister since high school, and I like that my kids have cousins to play with. I was never close to any of my cousins since I only saw them once a year; it's neat to see how the next generation of my family interacts.
I have an almost 2 yr old right now and feel the same as you. I always pictured myself having two children. I am one of 6 and I like the big family feel but I could never do more than 2. Now there are days i don't think I can do more than 1. MH travelers ALL THE TIME so it would all be on me. Plus, I have no desire to be pregnant again and I'm not getting any younger (pushing mid-30s), so there's that. But then I feel sad that my DD would never have a sibling, and that makes me sad too.
I think this a lot. When we’re out at restaurants, he’ll stare at tables where there’s more than 1 kid and laugh when they laugh or smile when they’re playing. That tugs at me. Or in the neighborhood, when all the kids go back inside, they all have at least one sibling, and he just has us. Which I realize isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but still.
Yes. My DD does that too. It makes me so sad. We stayed at a friends this week who has two little girls. She was in heaven the entire time and just loved having other children there the whole time. She thrived.
I know she would be fine as an only but it makes me sad for her when I realize she won't have some do the experiences I had. On the other hand, she may have different experiences being an only. Sigh.....
Have An only. IVF to have him. So there's that, my age, Dhs job and a lot of te reasons you listed. I have days of questioning if it was the right choice or not. But there are no guarantees what a 2nd would be like. And as both DH and I aren't close to our brothers, we really know that having a sibling doesn't mean they'll be close.
He has no immediate cousins, which weighs on me too. So DH and i are making a strong effort to see extended family. Lots of kids his age there.
And we know we can simply give him more because he's an only. Financially, mentally, emotionally.
Post by irishbride2 on Apr 18, 2014 13:11:50 GMT -5
I love being an only child. I really do. I actually feel guilty sometimes that I "stole" that from DD.
I love the relationship I was able to have with my parents and all of the things I was able to do.
Yes siblings relationships can be wonderful. but they can also be toxic. So its not a guarantee. There are positives and negatives to all family set ups. For me, being an only child was wonderful. And IMO, the closeness I was able to have with my mom outweighs any things I feel like I might have missed out on with a sibling.
Post by schitzengiggles on Apr 18, 2014 13:12:26 GMT -5
I am an only child, and I always wished I had siblings. That being said, I know other only children who were just fine with being the only and even loved it. I think part of the reason why I DIDN'T like it was because of my environment - I lived out in the country, a few miles outside of a small town of 500 people. My closest neighbor was an elderly couple 2 miles down the road. My best friend from school also lived in the country, only in the opposite direction. It took 30 minutes just to get to her house from mine (so you can imagine, as a kid, it wasn't always easy or possible to get our parents to drive us over to each other's houses).
I do get kind of sad when I think about my parents passing someday. Neither of them came from particularly large families either. My mom had one brother, but he was paralyzed in a bad railroad accident when he was 19, and passed away several years ago. My dad has 2 brothers, one passed away this past winter and the other is around but I don't really see him. I have 5 cousins total but only have contact with one, and even that contact is minimal (and all online). All of my grandparents have passed. So when my parents pass away, that's IT. Nobody else left from my immediate family. It just makes me sad that I won't have a sibling to share in the grief, or to help with the arrangements, etc. Not that having a sibling is a guarantee of those things anyhow, but in my ideal dream world, that's how I wish things could be :-)
My SIL's hubby is an only child too, but he LOVED it. However, his family is big...lots of aunts, uncles, cousins, and many grandparents still alive. And they are all pretty close - they gather for holidays, see each other frequently, etc. He also grew up in a more populated area with lots of neighborhood kids, friends close by, etc. A world apart from how I grew up! I probably would not have hated it as much if I had that kind of environment.
In any case, even though I wish I had siblings, I still turned out just fine. Your child would too, with or without a sibling!
I can totally see where you'd struggle making a decision about this, since I'm struggling with deciding if we even want one.
I'm an only and I liked it. My mom and I are super close and I'm fairly close to my dad. I had lots of cousins and friends in the neighborhood too and so I had the fun of having other kids around but then I could enjoy my parents one-on-one and have my stuff the way I liked it. Like a pp said, I worry that I'm the only one who will take care of my parents in old age. But then, I could have a really crappy sibling or a sibling who lives out of town that wouldn't be helpful anyway. ::shrug::
I can see the good and the bad, but as an only I didn't really feel like I was missing out.
Post by karmasabiotch on Apr 18, 2014 13:19:59 GMT -5
J is sort of an only since my SS doesn't live with us, is 10 years older, and doesn't come over much these days because he's busy being a teenager.
If I could have had another I would have and maybe someday when life becomes more clear to me, I will adopt. If that never happens I can pour everything into J and give him a life that he wouldn't be able to have if I had a second child and I'm learning that's ok and could actually be amazing.
My kids are 11 years apart. I thought I was one and done for a long time. As far as siblings, the older one didn't really seem to mind not having any. Now she is not exactly enthused to have one that gets into her stuff or that she has to watch. She doesn't like kids. Pretty sure she would have been fine being an only forever.
As far as costs, OMG...vacation costs for us just skyrocketed. Freedom is gone. With the 12 year old we could practically do anything but add in a baby...freedom sort of gone. You're kid is still young (similar in age to my youngest) so having another baby now wouldn't change as drastically as things have changed for me with an 11 year age gap.
I love being an only child. I really do. I actually feel guilty sometimes that I "stole" that from DD.
I love the relationship I was able to have with my parents and all of the things I was able to do.
Yes siblings relationships can be wonderful. but they can also be toxic. So its not a guarantee. There are positives and negatives to all family set ups. For me, being an only child was wonderful. And IMO, the closeness I was able to have with my mom outweighs any things I feel like I might have missed out on with a sibling.
For all the reasons you listed, I want DS to be an only. That said, I am an only and hate it as an adult. It's a lot of pressure to be close, see them on every single holiday, take care of them as they age, etc., whereas if I had a sibling or two some of that wouldn't weigh so heavily on me. Granted a sibling may not be around, but let's pretend they are, I guess. As a child, I had no issues with it and I don't think I ever wanted a sibling.
Post by peachdragon on Apr 18, 2014 13:22:32 GMT -5
I'm an only child, and we've just recently decided to be OAD. I could have written all of those bullet points you wrote. I always liked being an only child, and I never wanted a sibling.
Negatives? Sometimes I think that I'm too selfish, but I'm not sure if that's because I'm an only, or because of how I was raised. I don't think onlies necessarily have to be selfish or self centered.
I just asked this question a week or so ago. I had issues getting pregnant and finally am, but H and I had this feeling that this might be one and done. I always wanted to have at least 3 but with all the issues I had and then looking forward I think I'm OK with 1.
What I learned from the responses is that it's not a selfish thing to want and isn't really an issue. Some people hated being an only but otherwise I found most people were OK being an only child. And if it works for you and your family, how can that be bad?
I'm an only. I never wished for a sibling as a child. I was very into church (LOL, now), girl scouts, and other activities - I had lots of friends. As an adult, I dread being the only one to care for my parents/make final decisions but I don't think that is a good enough reason to have another child. I think if you're happy with the size of your family, keep it the way it is.
Well, as much as I'd love more Farmerbabies, if you're ok with just having one, that is fine!
Having a second child doesn't automatically mean your children will be bff's for life. Your son is around other children, right? He'll be fine (if you go that route).
My experience is that two kids are HARD. Maybe I'm a wimp, IDK. Sometimes I'll just have one of them during my weekends (due to various reasons) and I always find myself thinking about how one is SO.MUCH.EASIER. That could be because my boys are so close in age and taunt one another all the time.
Since you're such a smart lady I know that you know there is no right or wrong answer to this. What is your gut telling you? Do you yearn for another child?
Post by themoneytree on Apr 18, 2014 13:32:48 GMT -5
H and I are both only children. Neither of us missed siblings at all growing up and both of us had opportunities we wouldn't otherwise have had.
H still doesn't miss having siblings - I do occasionally and then I look around at the people I know and while there are some good adult sibling relationships around, most seem 'blah' at best. There seems to be a lot of love but not much like if that makes sense?
I do worry about our kid for all the reasons you do, but H only wants one so I guess this is it for us.
I think a lot depends on your relationship with your kid. Do you actively encourage friendships/ play dates/ sleepovers (when older), etc. I think that is key.
Are you going to demand every holiday be spent with you and put pressure on that way? I think so much of the only child experience depends on the parent. I loved it, but I can see why some people didn't.
From a mom of two here are more reasons to stay one and done:
The fighting between my kids get on my damn nerves. I want to punch walls, it's that irritating. It literally balances out the "but they wont have anyone to play with" argument. TRUST.
You live in a kick ass neighborhood with tons of kids. You can have playdates and then send them on their way. Score.
Post by irishbride2 on Apr 18, 2014 13:38:42 GMT -5
I will say the only negative I seriously considered when we were deciding was purely selfish on my part. I would love grandchildren. And I admit part of me was worried my one and only might decide to be child free. And although I would never make her feel guilty for that choice, I would have been a little sad. With two, I figure my odds are fairly decent (although not a guarantee) that I will have a grandkid someday.
Post by donnamartingraduat on Apr 18, 2014 13:44:04 GMT -5
I have a ton of only's in my family, including my H. They are all (mostly) happy & well adjusted.
My H has two good friends that he has known since early childhood and he considers them his brothers. There are ways that your son can experience sibling-like relationships without having an actual sibling.