I'm an only, and I thought it was great. I was (still am) very close to both my parents, had many opportunities for travel and experiences that I would not have had with a sibling, and (perhaps the best effect) learned early on how to entertain myself and be happy being alone.
I also have an only child (by choice, not by circumstance). She is more extroverted than I was at her age, but still shows the only child characteristic of being able happily spend time by herself. She has lots of friends, but gets along well with adults.
It's not for everyone, but dh and I love having an only child. We travel a *ton*, including big international travel, have plenty of time and money for her, and also plenty of time for each other and our own pursuits.
Post by pollyprissypants on Apr 18, 2014 13:56:49 GMT -5
I am an only and I really didn't mind it growing up or even now so much. I have 16 first cousins though and lived within a few blocks of a few of them so I was never without friends to play with. I think of I didn't have my cousins so close it would have sucked more.
Now we are all still pretty close and 3 of them are like sisters to me. Their kids call me auntie and vice versa.
I really don't have anything bad to say about being an only child.
I'm not an only, but my brother and I are 5 years apart and we're not very close. I love him, but I don't feel fulfilled by my relationship with him. I think my husband would say the same about his sister.
I'm 36 and have the same thoughts you do for the same reasons you've listed. DS will be 3 next month. We're trying for #2, but it hasn't been going well and honestly my heart's just not in it this time. I think if I'm being truly honest with myself, I'm probably more cut out to be a mom of 1. And financially we'd be fine with two, but we'd be golden if we'd stop at one.
However, I feel really guilty having those thoughts - we both had siblings, DH really wants #2, all of our friends have more than one, and I worry I'll regret it. And if we're being completely honest, it would be awesome if there were another kid around to hop in DS's "spaceship" on the days I don't feel like driving our pillows to space.
This probably wasn't very helpful. Just wanted you to know I feel your pain. (hugs)
I'm an only and love every second of it. If I wanted to play with someone I'd invite a friend over. No one to fight with or have to share things. I got to ride horses growing up and will admit I was spoiled. Now that in older I see how much so siblings fight over things and I'm glad I won't have that.
My husband is also an only and we plan on only having one. I know it'll suck when it's time to take care of my parents but I'd rather do it alone than fight with someone.
Post by BunnyMacDougal on Apr 18, 2014 14:06:09 GMT -5
Am one, have one. All is honkey dorey. As a kid I wanted a sibling, but nothing extreme. I say, you won't be regretting it if you feel the way I'm assuming you do from the post. Its ok just to have one.
Do what is right for you. Every family is different, and whatever choice you make will be the right one.
I'm an only, married to an only (can't plan that), who both have smaller families with 'friction'. I have to admit that I often envy friends with larger families who are close. It is what is.
Growing up, I did want a sibling, ok more than one, but who knows that they wouldn't have been jerks. Lord knows, by not having a sibling I may have been saved from dealing with more family nonsense.
I'm an only and I always loved it growing up. I never thought I was missing out on anything. I like to spend alone time and like having a quiet house. My mother is an only, as well. She did not like it at all, though. She always says how much she wished she had siblings growing up. She wanted a big family. (Which makes it kind of odd that she only had me, there were no fertility issues, it was a choice.) The only thing that I'm a little concerned about is my parents getting older and having to go through all of that without anyone to help or to understand how much I will miss them. There isn't any guarantees I would have that even if I did have siblings, though.
My son is an only because of fertility issues. He seems to be doing well with it, although he is only 4.5 years old right now. When he was a little younger he would bring up the sister/brother thing. Mostly because of cartoons that would mention it. It really doesn't seem to bother him at this point.
my half sister is 12 years older than me, and she lived with her mom growing up, so I was raised as an only child with my mom and our (shared) dad.
When I was little, I always wanted a brother or a sister, mostly because my friends all had siblings, and we didn't live in an area with any neighbors/other kids to play with (far out in the country), so it was sometimes lonely. But my mom had an emergency total hysterectomy right after I was born, so even if I wanted siblings, it wasn't an option. As I got older (middle/high school) I grew to LOVE being an only child. I never had to have my parents miss any of my events b/c they were at my sibling's event. I never had to be compared (good or bad) to an older or younger sibling. And we got to go LOTS of places and do LOTS of things that we probably wouldn't have had the money for if there was another kid in my family. My parents also paid 100% of my college housing and tuition, which wouldn't have been possible with a sibling, and I am eternally grateful for them for doing that and allowing me to graduate college debt free. Also, even now, my parents are always very available for me, and for Grant, and I don't ever feel like I am on the back burner b/c of someone else, which I might or might not feel was the case if I had a sibling.
Also, my half sister and I don't get along very well, so God only knows if I would even like having a full sibling now...
Honestly, this is something I have struggled with as well, since G is a super easy baby/toddler, and I loved being an only child, so I don't know if I want to have another either. I go back and forth... sometimes I do, some times i don't. Its a tough decision. Best of luck figuring out what is right for you and your family
eta: one thing i do worry about is having common ground with a pre-teen/teenage boy, and if i will wish then, that I had had/adopted a second child (if we adopt will will adopt a girl). I know I will always have a closeness with G because of the time we do get to spend with him as an only child (currently), but I am worried that when he starts to be very involved with things that i might not have much of an interest in, I will wish I had a daughter to do more "girly" things with. Also, I worry that when G gets married, he might be less involved with H and I (which would be totally normal) and I think that often, women stay closer to their parents, even after marriage & children than men do. But that might just be from the people that I know, and not an actual thing.
For all the reasons you listed, I want DS to be an only. That said, I am an only and hate it as an adult. It's a lot of pressure to be close, see them on every single holiday, take care of them as they age, etc., whereas if I had a sibling or two some of that wouldn't weigh so heavily on me. Granted a sibling may not be around, but let's pretend they are, I guess. As a child, I had no issues with it and I don't think I ever wanted a sibling.
Being an only and having an H with a TERRIBLE sibling, I don't see that the risk is worth the gamble. As adults, the sibling is a horrible person to be strapped to. And is in no position to take care of the parents - ever. We will do it. He may as well have been an only in that regard. Also, they're total opposites and enjoy nothing in common. I, personally, wouldn't roll the dice on that if I felt the way OP does.
This is another thing. My brother may or may not have kids but I think it’s remote. H’s 2 siblings are way past child-bearing age and got fixed anyway and have no kids. He won’t even have immediate cousins.
I can't speak from my experience, but one of my closest friends is an only with no cousins. It was very, very hard on her when her dad died, because there was no one to share the burden with, she felt like she had no more shared history with anyone, and it was incredibly lonely for her. She said it made her feel like she'd either have no children, or more than one, because she wouldn't willingly make a child go through what she went through when she lost her parents. I wonder what she'd say now that she's further from the loss and has had more emotional distance from it.
But, by the same token, just because you have more than one doesn't mean that they'll like each other or be close at all. My mom has a sister she doesn't speak to at all.
I think, ultimately, you have to decide what's best for you. There are, like every decision, pros and cons to both sides. I had a horrible pregnancy with my daughter, she was a really difficult baby, and she's had very stressful and time-consuming gross motor and speech delays. It definitely made me think about being one and done. Ultimately, though, H and I both grew up with siblings, and we'd like her to have that experience as well.
We always thought we'd have two, but your reasons are the exact reasons we stopped at one. When my son was about 2 I just had a moment when I thought, "ok, this is it. Our family is the 3 of us and I'm happy with that." My son is almost 7 now and I have no regrets. I definitely went through phases where I questioned the decision and it can hurt a little when he asks for a sibling, but it was the right choice for us.
DD is three and I'm mostly convinced I'm done with one. Parenting one like her has been a little harder than I expected (we have some behavior issues with her) and currently the thought of two of them makes me want to cry a little. Love the child to death, but I can't even imagine having her plus another.
I'm an only and I have never liked it. As an adult, I hate that I don't have any siblings, especially after my dad passed away and my mom and I grew apart (she's super bitchy and critical of me since then). It would be nice to have that connection with someone (ETA - though obviously as PP pointed out, it's no guarantee that it would be rainbows and kittens like I imagine my hypothetical sibling relationships in my head).
As a kid, it sucked because we didn't live in a neighborhood with kids around, so I was alone most of the time. It did make me a very independent adult but to a fault in that I have a tendency to self-isolate.
That said, most of the other onlys I know loved it. I seem to be the very small minority of those I know IRL.
I was an only child for almost 8 years and LOVED it. It took me about 15 years to come around to the idea of having a sibling. By that time, I had two. LOL.
We're one and done. I'm 36 and DH is 10 years older than that. I never even imagined myself having a family and although my first pregnancy was planned, I just feel like there is nothing more I could ask for. I have a wonderfully smart, caring, handsome child. My heart is full and he'll have every advantage. I try not to worry that someday he'll wish we made a different decision.
This is another thing. My brother may or may not have kids but I think it’s remote. H’s 2 siblings are way past child-bearing age and got fixed anyway and have no kids. He won’t even have immediate cousins.
that is our situation, too. Not only will DD not have siblings, but she won't have any first cousins either. She has some close friends, but they can move, grow apart, etc.
I liked being an only. My H wishes I had siblings so I wouldn't expect to get my way all the time. Lolol.
In all seriousness, it was sometimes lonely but I always brought friends on vacation, had TONS of sleepovers. My house was the one everyone congregated at, even in elementary school. But it was still sad for me sometimes when I had to go home at the end of the night, or my friends had to go home. I see my H and his 3 brothers and sometimes wish I had a close sibling but I also wouldn't trade anything about my life. One of my SIL's and my BFF from 7th grade are close enough to sisters for me
Post by gretchenindisguise on Apr 18, 2014 14:30:51 GMT -5
We really thought about being one and done. In the end, I think it'll be really good for L to have a sibling and that won out over other concerns. Her disposition is such that I think it'll enhance her life and we were/are able to make it happen. But the she started asking for a sibling around age 2.
I really, really wish I had a sibling. Especially now that I'm older. But lots of people love being only's.
Ditto this.
I also think I put an unusual amount of pressure on myself. I'm not sure if this has anything to do with being an only child or if I am just mentally tapped. My parents always expected me to do well but I think I have always had the mindset that I'm the "only one" and if I screw up there's no one else to be the star child. I'm it for them. It's really odd that I'm entering my late 20s and I still think this way.
Overall, being an only child isn't a terrible thing. The one thing I will say is that people will always assume an only child is spoiled rotten. That irks me.
Posting because I want to come back to this later.
DH and I have always talked about two, but I see so many pluses to having one. Plus, I'm honestly not sure we can afford two in daycare. It would put a serious strain on our finances.
For all the reasons you listed, I want DS to be an only. That said, I am an only and hate it as an adult. It's a lot of pressure to be close, see them on every single holiday, take care of them as they age, etc., whereas if I had a sibling or two some of that wouldn't weigh so heavily on me. Granted a sibling may not be around, but let's pretend they are, I guess. As a child, I had no issues with it and I don't think I ever wanted a sibling.
Being an only and having an H with a TERRIBLE sibling, I don't see that the risk is worth the gamble. As adults, the sibling is a horrible person to be strapped to. And is in no position to take care of the parents - ever. We will do it. He may as well have been an only in that regard. Also, they're total opposites and enjoy nothing in common. I, personally, wouldn't roll the dice on that if I felt the way OP does.
Oh, I get that, H has one sibling that sounds just like your H's, and one slightly better. I'm not saying to use that as the deciding factor, but it's something I consider to be an issue as an only.
I'm an only child, and we've just recently decided to be OAD. I could have written all of those bullet points you wrote. I always liked being an only child, and I never wanted a sibling.
Negatives? Sometimes I think that I'm too selfish, but I'm not sure if that's because I'm an only, or because of how I was raised. I don't think onlies necessarily have to be selfish or self centered.
I can be like this and do believe it's a product of my environment. If my parents asked if I wanted to go bowling or roller skating there wasn't anyone to disagree with me. I didn't just get what I wanted willy nilly but I am also accustomed to being the decision maker. Luckily my H is the 3rd of 4 boys and very easy going lol.
I am generous but not a good sharer if that makes sense
I'm an only child, and we've just recently decided to be OAD. I could have written all of those bullet points you wrote. I always liked being an only child, and I never wanted a sibling.
Negatives? Sometimes I think that I'm too selfish, but I'm not sure if that's because I'm an only, or because of how I was raised. I don't think onlies necessarily have to be selfish or self centered.
I can be like this and do believe it's a product of my environment. If my parents asked if I wanted to go bowling or roller skating there wasn't anyone to disagree with me. I didn't just get what I wanted willy nilly but I am also accustomed to being the decision maker. Luckily my H is the 3rd of 4 boys and very easy going lol.
I am generous but not a good sharer if that makes sense
I don't know if I count or not because I have stepdaughters so DS has sisters that are here part-time and they are 11 & 12. I thought I always wanted 2 kids but I don't think I can. DS is exhausting. He's an easy kid WRT eating, sleeping and he's generally easy going but he has endless energy and is always go go go. I used to clean the house Monica Gellar style and baked all the time. Now after he goes to bed at 7 I just lay on the couch to try and recover lol. He is NOT a sit quietly and play kind of kid. Plus we are stretched thin financially and I don't want to take resources away from the other kids so we can have another.
I haven't read all of the responses yet, but I am going to because this is something that weights heavy on my mind too. I still have lots of time because I am young, but I don't think I want to have more than one. I had a sister, and we never played together. We HATED one another 98% of the time. She was so mean to me, I actually feared her for mot of my childhood. We probably played together 5 times in our entire childhood, and all of those ended badly. She is 3.5 years older than I am, and we get along okay now, but we can;t be around one another for too long or it goes downhill fast. I think having one kid doesn't have to mean you play with them all the time, I mean, they can learn to amuse themselves and play with friends too. I love my kid to death, but I'm not sure I want to be pregnant and do the newborn thing again just so she can have someone to play with, when they may end up hating one another as well. We could afford two, but I think of all of the things we can do with just one, and that makes me happy. I had a hard pregnancy, and life threatening L&D so another part of me says not to have another because what if a second delivery did kill me? Then I would miss out on both of their childhoods. However, I do feel guilt over only wanting one. Part of me thinks people will see me as a failure, or something, I don't know.
I really, really wish I had a sibling. Especially now that I'm older. But lots of people love being only's.
Ditto this.
I also think I put an unusual amount of pressure on myself. I'm not sure if this has anything to do with being an only child or if I am just mentally tapped. My parents always expected me to do well but I think I have always had the mindset that I'm the "only one" and if I screw up there's no one else to be the star child. I'm it for them. It's really odd that I'm entering my late 20s and I still think this way.
Overall, being an only child isn't a terrible thing. The one thing I will say is that people will always assume an only child is spoiled rotten. That irks me.
I always say that being spoiled doesn't automatically make you a brat .
We're only having one. I wondered if I would regret it or feel remorse and I don't even a little bit. He's fantastic but slept the bare minimum as a baby. We have no help at all and I can't do that again. I also couldn't put up with constant fighting for 10 or 15 years. My son is 3.5 and our life is really getting to be pretty incredible. I'm starting to feel like a person again and I can't even imagine resetting the clock on that again. And what if we had trouble getting pregnant? What if there was something wrong with the second baby? I had 2 miscarriages and I can't bring that kind of sadness into our lives now. And they're freaking expensive. And the second one would never get the same attention as the first. As the youngest of 6 it would kill me to make the younger one feel insignificant they way I've always felt. Or be yelling at our son because he was fighting with the sibling for attention. All this so that maybe some day he'll have someone help him clean out the house when we're dead? No thanks!
I also think I put an unusual amount of pressure on myself. I'm not sure if this has anything to do with being an only child or if I am just mentally tapped. My parents always expected me to do well but I think I have always had the mindset that I'm the "only one" and if I screw up there's no one else to be the star child. I'm it for them. It's really odd that I'm entering my late 20s and I still think this way.
Overall, being an only child isn't a terrible thing. The one thing I will say is that people will always assume an only child is spoiled rotten. That irks me.
I always say that being spoiled doesn't automatically make you a brat .
LOL, I always say this, too!
The only thing I think is really negative is that I just really like being alone and I like a lot of quiet and down time. That is a hard thing for me to give up now with a family. I'm always looking for ways to get alone time and I wish I wasn't like that.
I'm an only child, and we've just recently decided to be OAD. I could have written all of those bullet points you wrote. I always liked being an only child, and I never wanted a sibling.
Negatives? Sometimes I think that I'm too selfish, but I'm not sure if that's because I'm an only, or because of how I was raised. I don't think onlies necessarily have to be selfish or self centered.
I can be like this and do believe it's a product of my environment. If my parents asked if I wanted to go bowling or roller skating there wasn't anyone to disagree with me. I didn't just get what I wanted willy nilly but I am also accustomed to being the decision maker. Luckily my H is the 3rd of 4 boys and very easy going lol.
I am generous but not a good sharer if that makes sense
I will agree with this, I am definitely the decision maker, because that's how it always was growing up, and still is with my parents. They are happy if I'm happy, and I thought in previous relationships that EVERYONE should have that same attitude about my happiness being priority #1. Luckily, my H hates making any kind of decision, and actually does put my happiness super high on his priority list, so that worked out I guess, but it could have turned out differently, and that would have been hard to deal with for me.