Family estrangement- need perspective

[lissaholly]

I had a talk with sister A this weekend about sister B, and it has me reeling a little.  Sister B may cut out my parents.  Sister b is having TTTC and she wants to cut out the stress in her life and she has decided that her relationships with our parents is a main source.  I want to support her and I think it is normal for me to think this is an overreaction.  Sister A agrees.  I also know that her life her relationship and I am probably not going to change her mind.  This will get long, sorry.

Some background on sister B and family.  Seven years ago B wrote a note saving that our family was not there enough for her emotionally or financially and that she always felt judged as being selfish.  The financial was minor compared to the emotional.  My parent shave since opened up to being hands off about us once we left home.  My dad left an abusive home ( dad to mom) to go to college and really want space.  My mom was oldest of tenants no wanted some space too.  They decided that we could control the relationship. If you called they would talk. If you needed something they would send it.  If you wanted them to visit they would agree to an invitation.  If you forgot or got too busy to initiate they would not take the lead though and that was a stark contrast to the care packages and the persistent phone calls of other college friends.  Good points made by sis, my parents still wait for calls more than initiate.

Finances  were a bit entitled.  Parents paid for undergrad, we paid for free grad? Sister B spent most of undergrad in town.  Parents said she could live at home or with sister A or she would be in charge of her own rent.  Sister is still upset grad school was not helped or rent was not paid since she lived elsewhere.  

Now, she says things have not changed.  I and sister A think B never really stepped up herself.  She has turned down requests to visit her.  She does not always attend family holidays get togethers. She returns every other phone call and keeps the phone call off any discussions about the things that are bothering her.  Basically, she has pushed away a lot and the family is often on eggshells with her because we learn later, second hand, that we upset her.

Thanks for reading this far!  I guess I am just sad.  Sad for the dynamic this will create In my family,  sad that she feels so bad that cutting people off is the solution and also sad that I might be next?  I also need to get over the mental block that something extreme needs to happen to cut family off. We have all made mistakes, definitely and there is more history here but this is the gist of it.  Any personal stories or advice welcome.

[iamali]

You are viewing this from your perspective, not sister B's. You don't know what the world looks like through her eyes. If this is what she has to do, then support her. Maybe she'll eventually change her mind.

[slimshamy]

I dunno. She sounds like a fairly ungrateful drama llama. Let her do what she wants. It's ultimately her life.

[thinkofthesoldiers]

I have cut off a family member and have learned that my relationship with each person is separate from my relationship with anyone else. I'm one of three kids. I talk to my brother, but not my sister. I don't let the relationship with my brother have anything to do with my nonrelaitonship with my sister, and I have to remind myself that it doesn't matter if he talks to her because his relationship with her is separate from mine. It is the same thing for some extended family. My dad has issues with one of his brothers, but I love that uncle and his family. I've explained that to my dad, told him I hoped that they could work it out eventually, but that my relationship with my uncle has nothing to do with my dad.

Taking that approach has saved me a million heartaches. It took me a long time to get to that point, but once I realized that approach, life has been easier.

In your case, you can't control what your sister does. Let her do her thing. She may come around eventually, but she may not. Whatever she does has nothing to do with you. She is doing it for her own reasons. Let her.

[lissaholly]

Fox123 ( I couldn't tag you!)

Thanks for that perspective. It is exactly what I needed. If she sees my parents as "bullies and assholes" then that is enough. I agree that there is definitely more to the story, that is all that is literally on paper and what is pulled out each time she discusses it. Can I ask how your mom reconciled this. How did she shape up so that you could continue your relationship with her? I do not want to be next and since this step has blindsided us, I want to do the right thing.

[slimshamy]

I will say that I have cut out a family member. She is an alcoholic and I have not spoken with her in about three years. Everyone cut her off at one point, and she is now "sober" so a few of them have let her back in. When we go for visits, since she is not welcome around us she is not welcome for our visits no matter who is in her good graces now.

It is awkward. But for the most part she can't get back in with me until I know for sure she is better; she still does a lot of manipulating and lying with the family members she is back in contact with, so until that shit stops I just can't go back. It will probably always be awkward. BUT. It was my choice, and the choice of others who cut her off, to do so - and we told her we'd cut her off if stipulations were not met. This is a situation that couldn't have been avoided and it's going to take a while to reconcile, if it ever does work itself out. I find that I am perfectly okay with my decision to cut her out of my life because having her in my life when she was not well was not good for my soul. It was stressful. It affected my relationships with other people. It did not bring me any joy to wish well and want to help someone who didn't give a flying shit. How my decision affects her isn't my problem.

I do think it might be hurtful/awkward for the others in the family who are back in with her, but again - that's their problem to work through as well. As PP said, my relationships with those people are separate from my issues with her. So I keep those apart as well.

You can't really control how she feels about this situation. I mean, TO ME, it sounds like she's being a truly unreasonable brat, and that you're walking on egg shells around her because you don't want to upset her enough so that you'll get the same treatment as your parents. That just sucks and I'm sorry you have to go through that.

[ECB]

While it's not family, I did have a person in my life who we all had to walk on eggshells around. He's no longer in our lives. Gotta tell you- it's SUCH A RELIEF!!! OMG.

I get it that this is your sister and you "don't want to be next", but really think about this - "not being next" is probably now going to mean even MORE kowtowing on your part, more eggshells, etc. What kind of relationship is this really?

While you only gave us a little piece of the story, from what you told us- your sister is kind of striking me as someone who is very self-centered and ONLY sees things through her eyes and just doesn't make any room at all for different perspectives. It appears that she blames all the problems in her life on your parents. While they may not be perfect, were they really that bad? I mean, I do agree w/ the PP that her view on this is just that- HER view. And perhaps it's no ones place to say she's wrong.

But.... just my overall take-away is that she's someone who you will always have to be on high alert around. If you want to do that in order to have whatever semblance of a relationship you may have, have at it. But it just feels exhausting to me.

[slimshamy]

Apr 23, 2014 11:51:56 GMT -5 ECB said:

While it's not family, I did have a person in my life who we all had to walk on eggshells around. He's no longer in our lives. Gotta tell you- it's SUCH A RELIEF!!! OMG.

I get it that this is your sister and you "don't want to be next", but really think about this - "not being next" is probably now going to mean even MORE kowtowing on your part, more eggshells, etc. What kind of relationship is this really?

While you only gave us a little piece of the story, from what you told us- your sister is kind of striking me as someone who is very self-centered and ONLY sees things through her eyes and just doesn't make any room at all for different perspectives. It appears that she blames all the problems in her life on your parents. While they may not be perfect, were they really that bad? I mean, I do agree w/ the PP that her view on this is just that- HER view. And perhaps it's no ones place to say she's wrong.

But.... just my overall take-away is that she's someone who you will always have to be on high alert around. If you want to do that in order to have whatever semblance of a relationship you may have, have at it. But it just feels exhausting to me.

Yeah, agreed to all of this.  People like this in your life are toxic as hell.  And as awful and unfortunate that it is that this person is your sister, yeah.  It's NO way to live.

[aussiecrush]

Listen to TOTS. My H cut his parents out a few years ago. He thought he and his sister could still have a relationship but she couldn't stay out of what he was going through with his parents. Your relationship, perspective and experiences aren't the same. If you can't support her, just give her space.

[jenny1223]

My sister sounds similar to your sister B in some ways. I've come to realize that she is just way more sensitive (I guess is the right word). She also has depression and anxiety issues. I do often feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her. Sometimes a completely innocent statement will upset her for days. I've come to realize that everyone's perspective is different. While my sister can seem over-dramatic and emotional, I have my own issues where I lack a lot of emotion and empathy. I try to be supportive but also don't let myself get too worked up when I think she's being unreasonable.

[hopecounts]

Right or Wrong your sister feels like cutting contact with your parents is the right choice for her right now.
Maybe she is being a drama llama and selfish, maybe not.
As you said you aren't going to change her mind so I would be non-committal don't bring up the issue with your parents, if she does move the conversation to something else, and so on.

If she is being a drama llama it may actually benefit everyone if she steps back from the family, if she is not then it's what she needs so that's that.

[lissaholly]

Apr 23, 2014 12:12:19 GMT -5 jenny1223 said:

My sister sounds similar to your sister B in some ways. I've come to realize that she is just way more sensitive (I guess is the right word). She also has depression and anxiety issues. I do often feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her. Sometimes a completely innocent statement will upset her for days. I've come to realize that everyone's perspective is different. While my sister can seem over-dramatic and emotional, I have my own issues where I lack a lot of emotion and empathy. I try to be supportive but also don't let myself get too worked up when I think she's being unreasonable.

Easier said than done right!

I generally take that approach and yes, she is way more sensitive than I ever realized.  It is also such a switch from childhood.  I was the one who cried easily and was labeled sensitive and she was the one doing her thing looking at me funny for crying!  This new developments has some big family repercussions though that are shaking me a bit up.

[jenny1223]

Apr 23, 2014 12:16:59 GMT -5 lissaholly said:

Apr 23, 2014 12:12:19 GMT -5 jenny1223 said:

My sister sounds similar to your sister B in some ways. I've come to realize that she is just way more sensitive (I guess is the right word). She also has depression and anxiety issues. I do often feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her. Sometimes a completely innocent statement will upset her for days. I've come to realize that everyone's perspective is different. While my sister can seem over-dramatic and emotional, I have my own issues where I lack a lot of emotion and empathy. I try to be supportive but also don't let myself get too worked up when I think she's being unreasonable.

Easier said than done right!

I generally take that approach and yes, she is way more sensitive than I ever realized.  It is also such a switch from childhood.  I was the one who cried easily and was labeled sensitive and she was the one doing her thing looking at me funny for crying!  This new developments has some big family repercussions though that are shaking me a bit up.

Oh, absolutely easier said than done! My sister and I aren't as close as we used to be. Which makes me sad but there's only so much within my control. I've let her know that I'm always here for her and I love her but she is responsible for her own choices.

[lissaholly]

Apr 23, 2014 12:14:20 GMT -5 flygirl said:

I don't know what your sisters situation is with your parents, but my oldest sibling LOVES to create conflict and gets my other siblings to do the dirty work (make the calls/spread gossip). My youngest sibling is too dumb to realize this and will ARGUE endlessly about anything if they can get the gang behind their side. It exhausting.

Nah, we are much too WASPy.

B told my parents she wants space via text, told sister A she might cut my parents out and she told me about a coworker being a bridezilla. The info I did hear was told very reluctantly and in a " I think you need to know" or " I need help digesting this" way that leaves me helpless to talk to sister B about it if even if I should talk about it with her.  Which I know I shouldn't but man, I want some firsthand information!

[Deleted]

Your sister cut your parents off and I am sure she had good reasons to do it. From what you have said, your parents wants space and your sister wants space too, so it could be a win-win situation all around. I don't see why you feel the need to choose sides or let this affect you.

[lissaholly]

Apr 23, 2014 13:26:48 GMT -5 @porcupine said:

Your sister cut your parents off and I am sure she had good reasons to do it. From what you have said, your parents wants space and your sister wants space too, so it could be a win-win situation all around. I don't see why you feel the need to choose sides or let this affect you.

Who is choosing sides here? Of course it affects me, not like it affects her, but it does change out family dynamic if she is always missing when I see my other sister and my parents. I will give her the space she asks for though, definitely.