There's no way this won't be awkward, but

[berbles]

What is less awkward?

I'm planning to give EMT a note/card this weekend (the 1 year anniversary of his first FB message to me, awkwardly confessing his crush) telling him that I want him to be my BF.  It's more complicated than it sounds, because we've been non-exclusively dating for almost a year, and I have some health issues that I very recently realized are playing into my non-committal attitude.  It's time to move forward emotionally.


The end of the note leaves the ball in his court.  I don't want to force him to talk about it until he's ready.  On the other hand, I feel weird about just dumping the note on him and leaving.  So I'm waffling between a few options.

a) Give him the note and stick around in case he wants to talk

b) Give him the note right before we part ways for the night, probably Sunday night, and let him figure out how to not be awkward the next time we talk/see each other.  We normally text during the work day, so I worry that he'll feel weird about having normal conversation the next day/until he sees me.

c) Send it to him in a FB message.  Full circle.  Joke about that.  Let him decide when/if to reply to the message or talk to me in person. 

[mcc]

Why not just talk to him in person?

[berbles]

I won't be able to say everything I need to say without crying. And then I'll forget what I wanted to say.

[berbles]

And, I don't want him to feel pressured to respond immediately. It's something I learned in therapy right before exH and I split. I tend to push for resolutions and want to talk things out without giving my partner a chance to ruminate.

[berbles]

Apr 24, 2014 15:16:40 GMT -5 mp said:

Do you think there's a chance he won't accept your exclusive offer, though? Is that why you're concerned?

Yup.

[Deleted]

I agree with mcc. I think this is best talked through in person. And I sort of wonder if you aren't working yourself up a bit here, even thought I know it's a really tough thing. Did you guys have a pact that you'd always be honest with each other? I'd just say hey you know my feelings for you have really grown and I'd like us be official. What do you think?

[prettyinpearls]

Don't do it in a FB message because you'll be able to tell when he's read it and then you'll overanalyze why he's not replying RIGHT NOW.

[prettyinpearls]

Dup.

[berbles]

Honestly, I think I'd feel worse if I didn't know whether he'd read it. I'm ok with waiting for a response, I just want it to be as un-awkward as possible.

Apr 24, 2014 15:23:38 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

I agree with mcc. I think this is best talked through in person. And I sort of wonder if you aren't working yourself up a bit here, even thought I know it's a really tough thing. Did you guys have a pact that you'd always be honest with each other? I'd just say hey you know my feelings for you have really grown and I'd like us be official. What do you think?

Yes. But, as I explained in my OP, it's a LOT more complicated than that.  I'm facing some rough procedures/treatments in the next year or so and I want him to know that a) it's why I've tried to maintain a wall with him, but that I'm realizing it's not fair to do that to him and b) he needs to be fully aware of what it might mean to be my BF.  And let him decide how to proceed.  To just say, "Hey, let's be official," without giving him all of the information necessary to decide whether he wants to take on that burden is not fair.

And to be clear, THIS is the part that will make me cry.  It's not the worry over his decision.  I can't talk about my medical stuff without crying.  I'm about to cry right now, just thinking about it.

[daktor71]

Apr 24, 2014 15:11:58 GMT -5 berbles said:

What is less awkward?

I'm planning to give EMT a note/card this weekend (the 1 year anniversary of his first FB message to me, awkwardly confessing his crush) telling him that I want him to be my BF.  It's more complicated than it sounds, because we've been non-exclusively dating for almost a year, and I have some health issues that I very recently realized are playing into my non-committal attitude.  It's time to move forward emotionally.


The end of the note leaves the ball in his court.  I don't want to force him to talk about it until he's ready.  On the other hand, I feel weird about just dumping the note on him and leaving.  So I'm waffling between a few options.

a) Give him the note and stick around in case he wants to talk

b) Give him the note right before we part ways for the night, probably Sunday night, and let him figure out how to not be awkward the next time we talk/see each other.  We normally text during the work day, so I worry that he'll feel weird about having normal conversation the next day/until he sees me.

c) Send it to him in a FB message.  Full circle.  Joke about that.  Let him decide when/if to reply to the message or talk to me in person. 

If I may add, I would rather have you talk to me and cry with/in front of me than read this in a letter. I know some people can't handle that raw emotion, it's understandable, but being open and honest means hearing and feeling your partner. If he's really the someone you want to be with wouldn't it be even better knowing he can see you at a very vaunrable moment and still love you?

Obviously I don't know him, but in general we can and are willing to take on more than you'd expect, especially for the woman we love.

As for the fear of rejection, yeah that's tough, but it's something best dealt with head on. This is one thing I've learned, I'd rather know right then and there via body language and talking, than spend a night or more wondering as he processes everything.

[berbles]

I've definitely thought about that too, dak.

GAH!


ETA: If I said it to him in person, I have two issues: 1) he will feel pressured to respond right away.  2) I will have to read it from a note anyway because I will forget what I wanted to say once I get emotional.

[Deleted]

Does he know anything about your medical issues?

[berbles]

Apr 24, 2014 15:51:42 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Does he know anything about your medical issues?

Yes.  He knows what is going on, but I have kept a lot of details about what I'm about to go through from him.  It's kind of awkward to talk to your FWB about having your eggs harvested, lol.

[daktor71]

Apr 24, 2014 15:47:15 GMT -5 berbles said:

I've definitely thought about that too, dak.

GAH!


ETA: If I said it to him in person, I have two issues: 1) he will feel pressured to respond right away.  2) I will have to read it from a note anyway because I will forget what I wanted to say once I get emotional.

Can I just tell you there is absolutely nothing wrong with having notes cards! In fact it'll show him how much this means to you and how much he means to you too, the fact you took the time to put it on paper makes it that much more special.

If you speak from the heart there is no pressure, you're not leaving him an ultimatum, you're expressing a desire for something more conventional. That's something to look forward to and cherish.

[idahome]

As crazy as it sounds I think it would be okay to read from the note when you talk to him. As long as you've been together he should know that talking about the things in the note get you emotional. If he can't support you through reading that note is he really worth asking him to be your BF? I'm with some of the others, though, don't do it over FB. GL!

[idahome]

As crazy as it sounds I think it would be okay to read from the note when you talk to him. As long as you've been together he should know that talking about the things in the note get you emotional. If he can't support you through reading that note is he really worth asking him to be your BF? I'm with some of the others, though, don't do it over FB. GL!

[berbles]

Doing it over FB would probably crack him up because that's how he did it initially. But I get what you are saying, too.

[riverpestie]

I can see where you're coming from, but why not preface the convo by saying "I don't expect you to have an answer for me now, but...."

I think important conversations such as these (involving major medical issues etc) should be said face-to-face.

[Deleted]

I would go with B, personally, and a "This is really important to me. Let's discuss it when you're ready." type send-off.

[Deleted]

I guess without knowing what your medical issues are, my thoughts are maybe not helpful. But what I'm thinking is this - you guys are already involved. He already cares about you I assume. Are you going to need him to do things like change bandages/take off work to care for you/wipe your butt or are you just going to need emotional support and maybe someone to cook/pick up dinner and sit in the waiting room during surgery? Do you think he's any LESS likely to do that kind of stuff as a non-exclusive BF than he is in a committed relationship? In other words, how much are your medical issues really going to change his behavior anyway?

(by the way you don't have to answer that, just questions to think about yourself I think).

I have a hard time talking about things too and would absolutely prefer to write a note or email to having a face to face conversation. However, I've really been trying to force myself to be uncomfortable and put myself out there since I've been dating my BF. It is really, really hard for me to bring up things that worry me and I chicken out more often than not... but the couple of times I've forced myself to have a face to face talk I've been glad that I did. Once, I actually wrote him a letter and then didn't give it to him - I just used the letter ahead of time to organize my thoughts and think through what I wanted to say, and then had the actual conversation in person. Maybe you could do that if you are worried about what you are going to say?

I think you can have a talk in person and then give him time to think things over before responding - maybe you can tell him that you specifically want to talk about something and ask to meet for coffee or to stop by his house for a few minutes or whatever makes sense for you. Set the expectation it will be just a talk and then it will be appropriate for you to leave and give him space to think.

[berbles]

Apr 24, 2014 16:02:10 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

I guess without knowing what your medical issues are, my thoughts are maybe not helpful. But what I'm thinking is this - you guys are already involved. He already cares about you I assume. Are you going to need him to do things like change bandages/take off work to care for you/wipe your butt or are you just going to need emotional support and maybe someone to cook/pick up dinner and sit in the waiting room during surgery? Do you think he's any LESS likely to do that kind of stuff as a non-exclusive BF than he is in a committed relationship? In other words, how much are your medical issues really going to change his behavior anyway?

(by the way you don't have to answer that, just questions to think about yourself I think).

It's more emotional support.  I'm going to be on months of hormonal treatments that, from past experience, will make me really hard to deal with.  I absolutely cannot put an expectation on him without talking to him about it.  And I won't be able to handle non-exclusivity when I'm going through it.  I'm already having jealousy feelings (which is not typical for me).  

Also, it's just my personality; if he isn't "required" to help me (as my BF), then I don't feel comfortable asking for it.  I already have a hard time asking for help from people who TELL me to ask them when I need it.


This will probably make a lot more sense if I give you more background.

In prep for surgery to remove endometriosis, I was on 3 months of meds that artificially induced menopause.  I was an emotional wreck, I didn't sleep because I had hot flashes that woke me up every two hours... It was BAD.  I warned H (at the time) ahead of time what was going to happen.  That didn't stop him from pulling away from me emotionally.  I kept trying to talk to him because I could feel it happening, but he dismissed me at every turn.

Surgery happens, and I have a few weeks of recovery.  Again, I warn H that I will need help; that this surgery will be more intense than the first (first was just to remove a cyst, second was to remove endo tissue and a complete uterine septum).  2 days after surgery, I go pee and find that H has used the last of the TP without replacing the roll.  I can't bend over to replace it.  I can't yell for him because I've just had abdominal surgery.  I sat on the toilet for 10 minutes waiting for him.  When he came in, he shrugged and gave me a half-assed apology and told me that his friend Kevin was here and I should go say hi.  That's just one example of how "helpful" he was after my surgery.  

2 months later, he told me he wanted a divorce.  I was having this surgery primarily to try to get pregnant.  


So part of my letter to EMT is a bit of an apology for allowing my past to affect my behavior toward him.  I keep stuff from him because I don't want to burden him, but I'm not giving him the choice.  Because I'm so scared of being vulnerable.  Because the first time in my LIFE that I allowed myself to be vulnerable and rely on someone who I should have been able to trust implicitly I was so let down that my brain is still having a hard time believing anyone else wouldn't do the same thing.

[Deleted]

So one thing I'm noticing from your position is it's almost aimed TO push him away even though I know that's not your intention. I'd focus on the reason you really want to be with him and that as you thought about these upcoming procedures it made you realize how much you want him in your life as a bf. Maybe see what he says after that and then bring up everything else the treatments will entail you know?

[berbles]

Apr 24, 2014 16:32:42 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

So one thing I'm noticing from your position is it's almost aimed TO push him away even though I know that's not your intention. I'd focus on the reason you really want to be with him and that as you thought about these upcoming procedures it made you realize how much you want him in your life as a bf. Maybe see what he says after that and then bring up everything else the treatments will entail you know?

Some of my notes, currently:

My last surgery was actually a pretty easy recovery, physically. But the scars that were left on me emotionally are more severe than I have wanted to admit, even to myself. I finally allowed myself to be vulnerable and rely on someone else and I was betrayed by the one person I was supposed to trust implicitly. And that betrayal is affecting how I treat you and how much I allow you to see my vulnerability. I tell myself that don't want to burden you, but I don't give you the chance to decide for yourself whether something is a burden. In the end, I'm shortchanging both of us.

But I'm ready to change that. I want to give you a chance. I want to give us a chance. I'm not worried about repeating past mistakes anymore. But I'm still worrying about asking for a commitment from you when I know that my health will be a burden on you. But that's not fair. I need to let you decide how invested you are willing to be.

[Deleted]

berbles, it's still really focused on your medical issues, which I understand. But I still don't see anything there which says WHY you want to be with him and after reading the letter I'd be confused about what you are looking for when you say commitment. I know this must be really tough for you and so I hope I'm not coming across as harsh. But I think in these situations clarity and straightforward are best. I would create talking points (because I'm in comms and this is what I do).
-I have something to tell you and please don't feel like you need to respond right away
-I have an awesome time you and I really enjoy us being together
-I want us to be exclusive
-If we do take that next step it's only fair I let you know about my upcoming medical issues which cause XYZ.
-I understand this can be a lot to take on
-Please take some time to think how do you feel about this and what do you want out of our relationship.

[berbles]

Apr 24, 2014 16:43:28 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

berbles, it's still really focused on your medical issues, which I understand. But I still don't see anything there which says WHY you want to be with him and after reading the letter I'd be confused about what you are looking for when you say commitment. I know this must be really tough for you and so I hope I'm not coming across as harsh. But I think in these situations clarity and straightforward are best. I would create talking points (because I'm in comms and this is what I do).
-I have something to tell you and please don't feel like you need to respond right away
-I have an awesome time you and I really enjoy us being together
-I want us to be exclusive
-If we do take that next step it's only fair I let you know about my upcoming medical issues which cause XYZ.
-I understand this can be a lot to take on
-Please take some time to think how do you feel about this and what do you want out of our relationship.

I can see why you're reading it that way, but that's only part of my letter.  The rest of it clarifies more about what I want from him and how much I adore him.

[turtle1120]

Apr 24, 2014 15:54:10 GMT -5 daktor71 said:

Apr 24, 2014 15:47:15 GMT -5 berbles said:

I've definitely thought about that too, dak.

GAH!


ETA: If I said it to him in person, I have two issues: 1) he will feel pressured to respond right away.  2) I will have to read it from a note anyway because I will forget what I wanted to say once I get emotional.

Can I just tell you there is absolutely nothing wrong with having notes cards! In fact it'll show him how much this means to you and how much he means to you too, the fact you took the time to put it on paper makes it that much more special.

If you speak from the heart there is no pressure, you're not leaving him an ultimatum, you're expressing a desire for something more conventional. That's something to look forward to and cherish.

I really like you, new guy!  And I agree with him.  That is all.

[Deleted]

berbles I know this medical stuff will suck, but it's only temporary right? A few months? So honestly if he cares enough about you to hang around for a year and be exclusive I don't think this will be a dealbreaker. So I guess that's why I kind of think the surgery is secondary you know? I know it was difficult for you because of the past, but you're kinda putting a dark cloud on something that is actually really exciting and fun, coming together as a couple.

Deep down are you putting this much emphasis on the medical issues so that if he says no (and I really, really hope he doesn't!) then you can say it's the medical issues and not you. Because I know I've tended to do things like that before.

[Deleted]

You guys are already dating.

Just talk to him.

The outcome won't hurt any more or less if he says no to your face.


Berbles: It's been 1 year since you confessed your crush. I'd like to be official boyfriend and girlfriend. I love you.
I know you know about my health issues. Please tell me if you have any reservations about us.

:::wait for response:::

Berbs: he already knows what he is in for. He would have left if he didn't want to date you.

Newsflash: you are already dating my dearie.

[berbles]

Apr 24, 2014 16:50:17 GMT -5 @gypsy said:

You guys are already dating.

Just talk to him.

The outcome won't hurt any more or less if he says no to your face.


Berbles: It's been 1 year since you confessed your crush. I'd like to be official boyfriend and girlfriend. I love you.
I know you know about my health issues. Please tell me if you have any reservations about us.

:::wait for response:::

Berbs: he already knows what he is in for. He would have left if he didn't want to date you.

Newsflash: you are already dating my dearie.

LOL, I know, I know.

But I'm 99.9% sure that he banged someone last month and I'm realizing how much I hate it.  

I know he knows about my health issues, but I've deliberately given him an "out" by insisting we stay non-exclusive.  He doesn't "have" to be there for me.  But now I'm asking him to.  

[Deleted]

Apr 24, 2014 16:55:02 GMT -5 berbles said:

Apr 24, 2014 16:50:17 GMT -5 @gypsy said:

You guys are already dating.

Just talk to him.

The outcome won't hurt any more or less if he says no to your face.


Berbles: It's been 1 year since you confessed your crush. I'd like to be official boyfriend and girlfriend. I love you.
I know you know about my health issues. Please tell me if you have any reservations about us.

:::wait for response:::

Berbs: he already knows what he is in for. He would have left if he didn't want to date you.

Newsflash: you are already dating my dearie.

LOL, I know, I know.

But I'm 99.9% sure that he banged someone last month and I'm realizing how much I hate it.  

I know he knows about my health issues, but I've deliberately given him an "out" by insisting we stay non-exclusive.  He doesn't "have" to be there for me.  But now I'm asking him to.  

This is why you don't pretend to be cool about things! No one is ever cool with these setups!


Guys are literal. Keep telling a dude you are not exclusive and he will act... not exclusive.

Just talk to him in person. Rip the band aid off.