Intro and a story

[kailamc2]

Jul 7, 2014 15:32:56 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Dude was your FI in February. STOP DATING.

I did call him that.... only because what was I supposed to call him, my baby daddy??  lol

[kailamc2]

I never post because I feel I will get judged on what I say... exactly why I called him my FI. We were never engaged. THANK GOD for that. But that was me trying to fit in I guess.

[gozf]

Jul 7, 2014 15:36:43 GMT -5 kailamc2 said:

Jul 7, 2014 15:32:56 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Dude was your FI in February. STOP DATING.

I did call him that.... only because what was I supposed to call him, my baby daddy??  lol

Um, yes.

IF he was just your roommate and the father of your children (lol @ the "just), then you had no business calling him your fiance.

 

[doriswe]

Jesus....okay then.

I wish you'd take a step back and see the circus you're unleashing in your home, which will impact your kids and how they choose life partners. Do right by them and take care of your own stuff before bringing someone else into this. I can only imagine, if you leave an abusive relationship, your picker will not be right for some time.

And on that note, KOKO, because you're not really looking for help or real advice.

[kailamc2]

I am not perfect and I never claimed to be... I wanted advice and support not to be told how fvcked up I am... I know I have issues, I sought out therapy on my own, and I already took the advice to get my son into therapy. I am trying to make changes  to better my life.

[gozf]

And you're getting advice and support. But to recap:

1. Continue with therapy and get your son in therapy
2. Get a lawyer and get a custody agreement. Look into order of protection.
3. Seriously consider being single and working on yourself so that you're a better stronger person for your children.

[Deleted]

Ooooooooookay then.

[kailamc2]

Jul 7, 2014 15:47:23 GMT -5 gozf said:

And you're getting advice and support. But to recap:

1. Continue with therapy and get your son in therapy
2. Get a lawyer and get a custody agreement. Look into order of protection.
3. Seriously consider being single and working on yourself so that you're a better stronger person for your children.

1.  got it.
2.  I will look into doing this as well.  I have been hesitent but it may be for the best.
3.  I will continue my relationship but I will slow it down well I work on myself.

[shopgirl07]

In your OP, you describe your ex as physically and emotionally abusive. You've been with him in some form or another for 12 years. People don't just stay with abusers for that long for the fun of it. They stay because their self-esteem is shot. Because they feel scared and isolated and helpless. The good news is that you're not in this relationship anymore. But that doesn't mean 12 years of abuse is instantly erased. You have a lot of work to do on your self-esteem. You need to get to know yourself as a person and as an adult. This can't be done by jumping into a relationship so quickly.

You need to be single to work on yourself and establish a strong, stable and loving home for your children. By your own accounts, they have an abusive and often absent father. Right now they need you and all of your time and attention. They need to know that they're your first priority and that they are safe and loved. This is difficult to do with a new boyfriend around, don't you think? How do you think they feel? Put yourself and your children first, get healthy and THEN worry about dating.

[justkly]

I just want to say welcome and please don't get defensive. It may feel like you are being attacked, but you are not. Like you said, you have made some bad choices before and have been through a lot. Looking into your past and taking advice from others that have been in similar situations will help you. A lot of women on this board are great people and have excellent advice. Open your eyes and grow from their wisdom. Good luck.

[Deleted]

Welcome.  I'm glad you are in the process of removing yourself from an abusive relationship.  I've been through an abusive relationship (for much less time then you) and I can tell you that it absolutely takes time to heal and get your head on straight.  Especially being that you have children together.
I do honestly think you should spend some time being single and focusing on getting your life back to a happy place.  
My best advice would be therapy for you and your son, some sort of legal custody agreement and don't interact with KF---treat it like a business relationship or co-parenting.  
ETA:  hugs to you and your kids. 

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

Going from an abusive relationship straight into another one, which you claim is "serious" after 6 weeks of dating, screams codependency to me. And that's not healthy; I don't care how you spin it. You need to get emotionally healthy for your kids' sake, lest either of them get the idea that the only way to go through life is dependent on a partner. Be alone. If this new boyfriend is "meant to be" or whatever, he will still be there when you're in a better place.

You and your ex seem to both be pretty selfish. The fact that you feel the need to have the last word when he says things you don't like is somewhat immature. Again, I understand how hard abusive relationships are, but cut the fucking communication with him. Only talk to him through an attorney. Let him be the one to spin out and say crazy shit. When you respond, you stoop to his level. It will appear more favorable to the courts if you refused to engage in his games.

[prettyinpearls]

Jul 7, 2014 15:58:22 GMT -5 kailamc2 said:

Jul 7, 2014 15:47:23 GMT -5 gozf said:

And you're getting advice and support. But to recap:

1. Continue with therapy and get your son in therapy
2. Get a lawyer and get a custody agreement. Look into order of protection.
3. Seriously consider being single and working on yourself so that you're a better stronger person for your children.

1.  got it.
2.  I will look into doing this as well.  I have been hesitent but it may be for the best.
3.  I will continue my relationship but I will slow it down well I work on myself.

No, no you won't. You need to be single to figure yourself out. You've been dating this guy for SIX WEEKS.

[stephreloaded]

I know it is easy to feel attacked when people are pointing out what you are doing wrong. Trust me, I have been there and it takes a lot of strength to look at the bigger picture BUT once you are able to take care of yourself and your kids first, you will be in a better place to have a stable relationship.

Has your therapist has said anything about this quick of a relationship? Also, I really don't like the idea of you calling a relationship serious after 6 weeks. This is too little of a time to actually get to know someone let alone introducing it to your kids.

[becwheat]

I actually do not think I saw any attacks. People repeated things you had posted yourself and pointed out why they are, most likely, bad choices.

You were in a relationship for 12 years (on/off again doesn't matter if you were living together and you were feeling controlled then you were in a relationship of some kind.)and you were abused in some fashion.

The MOST important thing IMO is helping yourself and your son deal with the issues that linger from that dysfunctional relationship. Good Luck.

[DirtySouth]

People here are genuinely trying to help you. The criticism in this post is all constructive criticism. When your therapist does the same, please listen to him or her and be willing to admit specific mistakes and bad choices, even if this is uncomfortable, because you aren't going to improve your life if you live in denial.

You sound codependent. Therapy should help if you actually listen and take advice.

[LoveBug]

kailamc2, how's everything? I thought of your post the other day.

[kailamc2]

LoveBug thanks for asking.... Everything is good. my son is in therapy as am I. My boyfriend hasn't been around my kids anymore (besides a car ride). We are moving slower in our relationship. I am trying to figure out how to make me happy without depending on someone else making me happy. My babygirl has been sick the past 2 days with a double ear infection so that kind of sucks.... but now I am back at work trying to play catch up (HAHA but yet I came on here!). My KF is still a JERK but he has been a managable jerk. I do want to thank everyone for their advice, even if I didn't use the advice, I still processed it! I will just continue to work on me....

[sparkythelawyer]

You thrive on drama. Hence the "I know I've only been single for five minutes, and I know that meeting my kids so soon was a mistake but we're seeeerious.  We're in love and blah blah blah.  You need to learn how to slow the train down and just be you, without all the fuss around you.  Hopefully, with the help of a good counselor, you can figure out how to thrive on something else besides emotion and adrenaline.