I have been going to a new gym since March. It's very small and they do personal training and boot camp classes in groups of 2-3. You can come at time to do cardio but there are only two treadmills and two ellipticals.
The classes are more fun when certain people are in them. I have been enjoying class with a guy about our age - in a platonic manner. He knows I'm married and he met H once.
Today I saw him and he said we should schedule more classes together. He gave me his number. I told h when I got home and he said it was fine. But is it inappropriate some how?
I just started to think I would not be down with h getting a woman's number from the gym.
ETA: we do not have trust issues or issues with infidelity. We have been married almost 8 years and together for 11 years.
I'd be fine with H exchanging numbers with a woman he met at a gym, as long as he had said it was platonic.
I take classes/workouts with friends and I agree that it is more fun with people you know and my H hasn't met most of them. He actually thinks it's healthy that we have some separate interests and friends.
Meh, it sounds like your relationship can handle this. Were you in a different place with trust/etc issues, maybe not. But, you were up front with your H about it, and he doesn't seem to think it's a problem.
I'm one of the folks that think it is possible for men and women to be friends, and only friends. I know this line of thinking makes me unusual in some circles.
Post by barefootcontessa on Jul 7, 2014 22:42:30 GMT -5
I do not think the guy was being inappropriate or anything but I do not think I would do it. I do not think I would like it if my DH was meeting up with a woman at the guy (it would be different if there was a group of people).
I do not think the guy was being inappropriate or anything but I do not think I would do it. I do not think I would like it if my DH was meeting up with a woman at the guy (it would be different if there was a group of people).
Can I ask why you feel this way? (Honest question, no snark.)
I do not think the guy was being inappropriate or anything but I do not think I would do it. I do not think I would like it if my DH was meeting up with a woman at the guy (it would be different if there was a group of people).
Can I ask why you feel this way? (Honest question, no snark.)
it is suppose to say gym. I have seen affairs form from innocent beginnings. It is not worth the risk to me. This is also why I would not meet up regularly with another man at the gym.
For some inexplicable reason, I'd be perfectly comfortable chatting at the gym about which classes to go to and arranging to do some together, but less comfortable with exchanging numbers to schedule gym times that way. I know that doesn't really make sense, though. But if your H has no issues with it and the other guy is just being friendly, I see no issues with this in your situation.
It is funny you mentioned this because just today, I exchanged emails with a man from my dog park who I enjoy chatting with and haven't seen in a month. And then I was like, "is it weird I'm scheduling a dog park date with random neighbor man?"
So we are either weird or not weird together. I'm going to go with not weird.
This is so timely. H just had a conversation about this because he made friends socially with a local woman. I raised my eyebrows a bit, but once we talked about it I decided it was fine. I think it's okay as long as the new friend doesn't think it's a come on or anything. I told H that if he ever got the impression she wanted something more he would likely need to shut the friendship down and he agreed that sounded fair. Oh, and one of the reasons he felt a bit weird about it is because he would be very jealous if I made a male friend. =)
As long as everyone is honest about what is going on, and nobody feels uncomfortable, then I don't see a problem with it. My husband has some female friends and I wouldn't have a problem with him going to the gym or doing exercise classes with any of them, though I think it would be odd if someone from the gym approached him and said, "Hey, we should work out together." Not sure what the difference is, except I guess I'd wonder about the other person's motivations in the latter situation.
Only you know if this specific situation is inappropriate but it general I don't think all friendships between men and women are inappropriate (says the woman who gets along better with men then I do with women; with exceptions of course).
No, I don't feel it's inappropriate. I've had a number of male friends who were more MY friends than DHs (usually through work). But everything was VERY transparent. And if I did socialize with them, except for happy hours right after work, all socializing included spouses.
But my anecdote - a couple years ago DH had 2 tickets to a Ravens/ Patriots game. He actually was having a hard time finding someone to go (I cna't remember why I couldn't go). We have a friend, female, who is a Patriots fan. I said something to him about asking her and he said "I thought about it. But I thought it might be kind of odd for me to take a woman who wasn't you."..
It kind of made me LOL. She was very much "our" friend and I couldn't have cared a BIT if he took her.
But it was just interesting to see HIS reaction. If the guy who ended up going couldn't go, I think he would have ended up asking her to go.
Seems normal to me--similar to my poker friends I have met. I get their numbers to text them when I'm going to a game, I invited them to other group social events, etc.
I generally don't hang out with other men 1:1 just to socialize. Drop something off, help with a resume, sure. But not straight up drinks or a movie or whatever. That seems to be a good line for me personally. I can see other arrangements working for other people.
I meet friends of both genders from my tri club for long training rides, which Calvin is fine with and which I'd be fine with if he did. This doesn't seem that different - "safer," even, because it's a class/group environment.
For some inexplicable reason, I'd be perfectly comfortable chatting at the gym about which classes to go to and arranging to do some together, but less comfortable with exchanging numbers to schedule gym times that way. I know that doesn't really make sense, though. But if your H has no issues with it and the other guy is just being friendly, I see no issues with this in your situation.
This is sort of where I am.
That being said, it's by no means inappropriate because you've been up front with him and your H about it.
Purely the fact that you are on here asking about it makes me wonder if you got a weird vibe or something that wouldn't translate over the internet, and that's why you're questioning. Otherwise, I think it can be done appropriately as long as everyone is on board.
Why is it weird? Do you never expect to have a male friend because you are married? If the answer is no, then where is it acceptable to meet friends? The gym seems like a perfect place to meet new friends...
Post by Balki.Bartokomous on Jul 8, 2014 9:31:25 GMT -5
It doesn't sound inappropriate to me. It's motivating, IMO, to know that I have a workout partner to hold me accountable for showing up and I wouldn't much care if it's a man or a woman.
Besides, it's not as if he's asking you out to dinner by yourself but if it gets to that point, then I'd reevaluate, of course.
Post by emilyinchile on Jul 8, 2014 11:36:56 GMT -5
My best gym friend is a guy. We workout at the same time most days (Crossfit class, not like we just meet up the two of us) and text relatively frequently. We've had coffee together and done a couple group BBQs, one of which H went to. I wouldn't have dinner one on one with him - I can't define an objective boundary, but dinner or drinks would just feel weird whereas lunch or coffee wouldn't - but coordinating to continue with a group activity that you already enjoy together doesn't feel wrong to me.
You said your DH has met him. If you want to become friends with this guy, I'd invite H to come along for dinner/drinks/etc if you end up hanging out other than at the gym, at least a lot of the time, just to make it more open. If you want to keep this a gym friendship, that's fine too.
Right. This was also my first thought. And if he is, would you feel comfortable making sure he told his wife/ sig other about you/ phone number exchange?
Post by wildfloweragain on Jul 8, 2014 13:16:20 GMT -5
Sounds ok. I don't feel like friends have to be same-sex. Although your story is how I have seen some affairs happen. You could also like a woman at your gym.
That being said, if you were open and honest, it's platonic and your hubby is okay with it (and vice versa), I don't see anything wrong with it. I have several platonic male friends that I work out with and hang out with in a group setting. If one of them had a wife/gf that wasn't cool with it, I'd tell them that I'm willing to meet with them to try to mitigate any concerns they may have but if they weren't willing or it didn't "work", then I'd bow out. I'm also in the camp that males/females can just be friends but I'm not stepping in the middle of anyone's relationship either.
I have a bit of a jealous streak given my relationship history. But I think logically it's fine. I guess I find this scenario unlikely for myself, but I have a couple of male friends from work that I see alone socially and they are truly just friends. We had to start hanging out socially somehow, so I guess we were in your position at some point (though I think work friends are a little more organic since you spend so much time together).
I think if your H is ok with it and you know your intentions are pure, it's fine.