He asked us to move to Texas. We NEVER thought that would happen. Again, he is lonely and scared too. He told Mr. Pom that he hasn't been able to catch his breath sometimes at night. I have a call in to his doctor, but we suspect it is probably anxiety. That said, he thinks we should buy him a house near us and honestly, he needs more care and interaction than that would provide. Mr. Pom dropped the bomb on the telephone last night that we leased him an apartment and will be there shortly to get him. He's not happy, but I think when he gets there, he will realize it's nothing like he imagines. He is envisioning an old "institution" type facility and this is more like a resort. And yeah, since H has POA, we are not discussing the cost with him. He'd lose his shit. Maybe he could just "check a place out"? All the ones we toured were pretty nice and welcoming.
So won't he notice money missing from his account? How are you handling this? Our problem is twofold, one some greedy aholes in my family don't want him spending their inheritance and two he would lose his shit over the cost, but it's the right thing to do. It's about $5k-$7k a month depending on the level of care - this place will move him though all stages of end of life so once he needs nursing he'd just move next door. They are taking a tour at the end of the month, my mom has already been there. Having the money is not an issue it's the mentality b/c he doesn't understand why things would be that expensive.
He asked us to start paying his bills and managing his money. Thankfully, his bank is all on-line and H has medical and financial POA. We transferred everything to one bank with the exception of some CD's at a different bank that haven't matured. He's made some big mistakes in the last couple of years (buying a new 2014 $33k car he soon won't be able to drive and cashing out an annuity early, ugh. He should never have been sold the annuity, but done now). Honestly, I think he knows he is slipping or he wouldn't have asked for our help. Also, there are no other relatives in our case to feud/negotiate with and we only care about preserving his money for his care needs. We were lucky. San Antonio has TONS of senior living to select from. I know my cousin said it is way more expensive in central Ohio where she was looking for her parents. His 1BR/1BA unit is $2100 per month, all meals, cleaning 1x per week, all utilities including cable. Most all the nice-ish ones we looked at were in this price range. You can spend way more here, but these were still pretty nice.
I have no help, just hugs. DH has a family member I'm not comfortable with driving our kids due to health/meds but he won't even go there to see the concerns, let alone overall capabilities of driving. It's rough when it's family.
I have heard (in CT) that the doc should get involved; as that happened with an elderly driver situation in my family. But I don't know the nuts and bolts of how to do that or what steps are on you and what ones are from the RMV.
And, obviously, he won't care what the RMV says if it's still "his" car and he has the keys in his possession.
My grandma lives alone and still drives. Luckily my mom & dad live next door and keep an eye on her. I think the taking away of the keys will happen in the next year or so. She drives 40mph on the freeway and practically stops to round curves on the road.
Post by bryantpark on Jul 10, 2014 21:39:13 GMT -5
Thank you all for these thoughts and stories. We actually had a good convo with him today. His insurance is up for renewal and I think he's actually going to come to this decision on his own. If he doesn't my mom is going to go the Dr route.
The problem is -- particularly with dementia at play, taking away his license may do nothing to stop him from driving. People drive without a license all the time. Some get caught, but many don't.
I'd work on getting the car away from him.
This. I reported him and they 'talked' to him and let him continue to drive, it was insane. We took all the keys, but forgot the valet ones and he continued to drive, we finally got those, too. The DMV then gave him a driving test and it lasted less than 5 minutes and the woman failed him. We got a lot of hateful phone calls about the keys. I do not regret one minute contacting the dmv and taking his keys. It's easier to live with myself thinking I probably saved someone's life than worry whether they would be mad. Good luck.