Details deleted...thanks for the advice!

[Deleted]

Thanks for the advice! I'm deleting my OP since I don't want to disrespect the privacy of the people in the situation (only my own privacy is fine to exploit, lol). I appreciate all the input

[Mrs. ChanandlerBong]

I would not stay with them. I find it odd that he thinks it's no big deal.

[Deleted]

No. I would not stay there. You could
Meet for dinner or brunch but I would not sleep there.

[Saint Monica]

I would be cool with having dinner with them. Staying there. No, I would not be okay.

[Deleted]

That would be too weird for me, and possibly them. I'd get a hotel room.

[CurlyQ284]

I think for the first meeting a meal would be a better idea and then if things aren't weird you could consider it for future visits.

FWIW, I have stayed at my DHs ex-MILs house (his ex wife is alive, they are just divorced). I love her and I like to visit but I would have the first meeting with less pressure in case it doesn't go well.

[cbwm1]

Yeah, I'd spring for a hotel room for myself and tell the BF that while you're 100% supportive of you guys seeing them/having dinner or whatever, you're just not comfortable staying there.

I mean, he *has* to realize how awkward this is for you, right???

[rodeored]

I think it would be one thing if he mentioned your coming at the beginning and they still offered but I think it may put them in a awkward/uncomfortable position now since they kind of already agreed to it. I think I personally would really push not to stay with them and instead perhaps meet them for dinner or something.

[Deleted]

[So_Fetch]

Assuming the parents are okay with it, I dont see why its a big deal. Im guessing after all this time they think of him as a son and want him to be happy. They may even be happy to see you and to have a woman their daughters age around. I couldnt figure out how to word that without sounding strange, but hopefully you know what I mean.

This also assumes that you have been dating awhile and are fairly serious.

[pandorica]

Ditto everyone else, especially for the first time you're meeting them.

[Eagles]

I would get a hotel. My whole family has been really welcoming of my late aunt's husband's previous GFs and his now FI, but we had time to get to know them first in more social situations. I think being sensitive to everyone and treading lightly is the way to go.

[So_Fetch]

Jul 10, 2014 9:07:24 GMT -5 rodeored said:

I think it would be one thing if he mentioned your coming at the beginning and they still offered but I think it may put them in a awkward/uncomfortable position now since they kind of already agreed to it. I think I personally would really push not to stay with them and instead perhaps meet them for dinner or something.

Also this. Bf would need to be intuitive enough to gauge their response as "they said yes because they were on the spot" and "they would genuinely like for us to stay"

[Deleted]

I would not stay there. I mean I would have no issue if he wanted to visit them/meet up for dinner but I think it would be awkward for everyone involved if you stayed with them.

[lilafowler]

It would be too weird for me-especially when meeting them for the first time.

[Deleted]

Nah. Meet them for dinner if anything. And I'd let the BF spend some alone time with them while he's there. It will show them, if you ever do meet them, that you respect whatever boundaries they may want to have.

[mrsgoontz]

Ditto what others are saying. I think meeting them would be fine but I wouldn't stay at their house.

[ECB]

Jul 10, 2014 9:05:44 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

I think for the first meeting a meal would be a better idea and then if things aren't weird you could consider it for future visits.

This is where I'm at.  Especially for the fact that the invitation was extended before they knew you would be coming.  He really needs to understand that this could be awkward.   You need to meet them first before you actually start STAYING with them. 

[bubblywater]

My late husbands parents will always be a part if my family, I do have a child so that changes the dynamic. When I am seriously dating someone in the future, I will introduce him to my in-laws in much the same way I would my parents. It would be a slow get to know him progression. I think your boyfriend has good intentions but isn't thinking about the level of comfort needed to actually sleep in someone's house.
Definitely meet them while you are there bug do not stay with them.

[CloudBee]

I think you should stay somewhere else, and meet up with them for a meal or to visit a local attraction. I understand they are still family in his eyes, to an extent. So a meal may not feel like enough time. But I think staying in their home may risk opening up some old wounds, and stir up some emotions on your part.

The visit should be more casual, which is why I think it needs to be an activity or meal, vs. hours spent in their home hanging out on the couch visiting in the morning/evenings.

[Deleted]

Deleted details

[dexteroni]

No way, man. I'm surprised your BF thinks it's a good idea. I would get a hotel room for myself and meet them for dinner the first night. If they invite you to stay with them (genuinely, not seemingly out of obligation) and you feel comfortable doing so, then you can move.

[Deleted]

Jul 10, 2014 9:16:25 GMT -5 puddleofgrace said:

I'm going to guess that seeing him again after all of these years is going to bring a lot of emotions to the surface without them realizing it now. Same for your BF.

I wouldn't go. 7 years is a long time, except when it involves seeing the life your daughter could have had. Personally, I think I would be stoic ahead of time but end up completely falling apart.

Oh, this hurts my heart and I think is a good way of expressing what I'm worried about. 

[ECB]

Jul 10, 2014 9:24:06 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

 It makes me nervous bringing it up because I don't want to say the wrong thing and end up being hurtful. I don't want him to think I'm rejecting her family (who he thinks of as extended family) or that I'm not ok with him having a relationship with them.

Focus on THEM, not on you, then.  Especially if it's been a LONG time since he's actually SEEN them.  For them, to a) actually see him could bring up some long dormant emotions, and b) to have him w/ his new GF in tow....

As wonderful and welcoming as they may be, no one can know how this visit will impact them. 

Stress that you do want to meet them, you'd love to have dinner (or whatever) with them.  But for the first time to have a new GF with him, for THEIR sake, he needs to take this one step at a time. 

[wannabe]

huge negative. how awkward.

[Saint Monica]

@buckybells I think you are a good person with a huge heart.

[FastHands]

I wouldn't do it. I think it would be hard for everyone in ways they might not realize until you were already there. There is this house that presumably is filled with mementos of her life and THEIR life, maybe wedding pictures around the house, etc... Even if they do invite you in a non-on-the-spot way, they may find it really hard to see you together once you are there, and I wouldn't want to risk causing them that pain.

Definitely propose to meet for a meal or something as PPs have mentioned. Just be honest with him that you would love to meet them, but staying there is potentially too much too soon for all involved.

[Deleted]

Jul 10, 2014 9:29:32 GMT -5 puddleofgrace said:

Jul 10, 2014 9:26:59 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

Oh, this hurts my heart and I think is a good way of expressing what I'm worried about. 

I hope that didn't come across as harsh but from a parent's perspective, I can only imagine the sting.

Good luck! I hope your BF listens and understands your concerns for the family.

No, not harsh to me at all. You're completely right. It hurts my heart because it's just so sad. I can't imagine how they feel. It kills me that my BF ever had to hurt that bad too. That's exactly why I want to handle this the "right" way and not make things any worse for anyone here.

[Eagles]

Jul 10, 2014 9:31:47 GMT -5 Saint Monica said:

@buckybells I think you are a good person with a huge heart.

Agreed.  It's really kind of you to be thinking of how they will be affected.  A lot of people would probably be going "OMG I'M SO UNCOMFORTABLE."

[katfco]

Do they even know he has a girlfriend? While I doubt they'd be surprised, I doubt they'd want to hear, "Hey, I've got a new girlfriend, want to meet her and by the way, can she stay here?" all at once. I agree with focusing the topic of conversation on them and how they would feel with all of this.