Really struggling right now

[Deleted]

H and I just got into a huge fight and agreed that it's best we divorce.  We've been down this road before but in the past we've eventually talked it out and decide to try again.  I don't want to give up on our marriage but I will be the first to agree that it's not really a healthy relationship.  I'm so, so sad.  I do still love him but I realize I'm not who he needs me to be, and he's not who I need him to be. We're just... not a good match.  He's emotional and (overly) passionate and I am very (overly) sensitive.

We have two kids and I work FT.  He stays home with them.  I don't make a lot of money but I do make enough to support us.  But not two rents and for us to live separately.  I don't even know how to navigate that one.  I need to contact a lawyer and navigate that but I feel completely stunned and stuck.  

Also, after not speaking to my parents or anyone in my family for two years, I've recently reached out to them to try and navigate how to have a relationship with them.  With healthy boundaries.  I know it's going to be a huge struggle to communicate with them and I at least thought I had the emotional support of my H to deal with during this time.  Now I feel alone and vulnerable and completely overwhelmed.

I feel so alone and scared ::breathes into a paper bag::

Can someone just give me hair pats and tell me it's going to be okay?  TIA

[cuddlyevil]

{{{{{calamity}}}}}

It will be okay. I promise, it will be okay.

Are you in therapy? If yes, see if you can't get in for an emergency appointment. Call an attorney and make sure you have everything in order so you're protected.

Lots of hair pats.

[Deleted]

Also, I don't want to home tonight and see his face and try and be normal with the kids.

I want to sleep in my car and just cry and cry and cry.

[DirtySouth]

I'm sorry. For me, coming to the decision was the hardest part. I struggled for such a long time - is this the right thing? Is there any chance in hell this can be saved? Killing myself to do everything I could to save the relationship. Making ridiculous sacrifices. Etc. Everyone is different, but once I actually made the decision and moved forward it got much easier.

I'm a divorce attorney, so I deal with this stuff on a daily basis. It's not fun. It's stressful. But everyone gets through it and life truly does improve at the end. I've represented hundreds of people and not one of them has ever said they regretted divorcing. They are just relieved when it's over and can move on and make a better life for themselves.

You really will be okay. Some of the details might be sticky and complicated, but things really do have a way of working themselves out and you will figure it out. Just focus on the fact that you are going through a difficult process but it will make you much happier in the long run.

[Deleted]

Jul 10, 2014 14:52:41 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

{{{{{calamity}}}}}

It will be okay. I promise, it will be okay.

Are you in therapy? If yes, see if you can't get in for an emergency appointment. Call an attorney and make sure you have everything in order so you're protected.

Lots of hair pats.

Yes, I will call my therapist.  She's normally booked for a few days but I will see if she can get me in.

I'm scared to call the lawyer because it seems too real.

Also, I am supposed to be on vacation next week and hang out as a family.  Fantastic fucking timing.

[Deleted]

Thank you so much, both of you.  These responses are so helpful.  Truly.

[Deleted]

Jul 10, 2014 14:56:45 GMT -5 DirtySouth said:

I'm sorry. For me, coming to the decision was the hardest part. I struggled for such a long time - is this the right thing? Is there any chance in hell this can be saved? Killing myself to do everything I could to save the relationship. Making ridiculous sacrifices. Etc. Everyone is different, but once I actually made the decision and moved forward it got much easier.

I'm a divorce attorney, so I deal with this stuff on a daily basis. It's not fun. It's stressful. But everyone gets through it and life truly does improve at the end. I've represented hundreds of people and not one of them has ever said they regretted divorcing. They are just relieved when it's over and can move on and make a better life for themselves.

You really will be okay. Some of the details might be sticky and complicated, but things really do have a way of working themselves out and you will figure it out. Just focus on the fact that you are going through a difficult process but it will make you much happier in the long run.

Yes. I've been having dreams that someone keeps trying to deliver a package to my house but I slam the door and try and make him go away.  I think this is the feelings I've been trying to shut out about our marriage.  I'm scared to admit it's truly over.

[cuddlyevil]

calamity.

I went through the same thing, in my heart I had decided I was done long before I actually said the words. I was scared to admit it, to myself and to other people, because I didn't want it to be real. So I went through the motions of trying to fix things, just to see if it was possible to get those feelings back and to get that connection back. But, I couldn't--once I realized that, it was easier to say the words and start doing things.

It's one step at a time, just focus on what you need to do. You will start to feel better once you have a plan in place.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry! Hugs and hair pats.

[peppermint]

I'm sorry. Hugs. Just breathe and do the best you can. This board is great for support!

[prettipenny]

I'm so sorry. It is so scary in the beginning, but I promise it truly does get better. I know what you mean about calling the lawyer- it took me a long time (too long, really) to finally accept this was really happening and make the call.

[sandytoes]

I'm so sorry. I struggled with the decision for years. There was so much indecision, back and forth in my head that I felt paralyzed and couldn't make a decision. When you finally decide what is best, it's scary but a big relief. Divorce isn't fun (obviously). But it wasn't as scary as I built it up to be in my head. Things absolutely do get better.
It's good that you're trying to build your support system. And the girls on this board have great advice. Big hugs to you.

[Deleted]

(hug2)

[cam13]

::hugs:: and hair pats

It truly will get better. My divorce was a very hard pill to swallow but once I did, my life became better than I ever imagined it would. Lean on your loved ones and be gentle with yourself. And, we are always here to lend support too.

[Deleted]

Bunches of hugs for you.  Can he find a job? I don't know the reasoning behind why he's a SATF, but I can imagine that it's a big stress on you.  It will get easier.

[LoveBug]

Ugh I'm sorry you're hurting. It's so hard once you have certain thoughts and say things out loud. But once you drum up some support from family and friends, it will hurt less and less. I'm not sure how old your children are, but is your H capable of returning to work? Also, is he in are went about the divorce?

Take things day by day. You will make it through.

[wrathofkuus]

It's going to be GREAT. Calamity, you don't even realize how badly he has been keeping you down, for so, so long. After you accept this and mourn, you are going to be amazed at how much better you are, how much more you like yourself and your life.

[locarb]

(((Hugs))) after the divorce you may realize you are so much happier. It's definitely an emotional roller coaster making the decision and the actual process. You are a strong individual and can overcome obstacles.

I know you want to run away for the night but don't. The courts will see the incident as abandonment to your kids. Make the therapy appt and legal consultation. Eventually, it will get better.

[mel]

Hugs!!!! Contact a lawyer as soon as possible. They will be able to provide you with so much information regarding how to navigate the financial/legal aspects of it. Then you could also find a good counselor to help you with the emotional aspects of it. We are here for you too!

[lookingup]

All the hugs and hair pats. Making that decision and having that talk is the hardest step. I promise it gets better.

[winecat]

Big hugs...

[glitzyglow]

Big hugs. I know how scary change and the unknown can be. One moment at a time.

[1confused1]

Sending hugs.

If this board is any proof, you will be ok. It will be one hell of a roller coaster but you will get through it.

[MyName]

((hugs))

I waited an obscenely long time to leave, and I didn't even have kids to consider. It was so hard to pull the trigger, so I can only imagine how overwhelming it seems to you right now. But I swear - once I moved into my own place I felt better than I had in years (we were together for 12 yrs, since college). As cliché as it sounds, it felt like a weight had been lifted. I had thought I had IBS or something because of ongoing GI issues, and once I was on my own the symptoms improved dramatically. It was unreal.

It will be hard, but it will be worth it. We're all here for you!

[Deleted]

Thank you everyone. This board is a great source of support, and it really means so much to me.