I hate fighting

[CloudBee]

Or disagreeing. Whatever you call it in this instance.

I was just talking to DH about how I don't feel like we've been spending enough time together in the evenings. He's always glued to a screen, and we go in phases where it is too consuming.  After dinner when we're chilling on the deck with the DS, DH pulls his iPhone out and stares at it when he's not playing with DS.  When I give DS his bath DH is watching TV on the couch.  Then DH often spends time in his office messing around on the internet. Often hours get eaten up and the night is lost.  And when he eventually comes back down, he's watching TV again or has the TV on and his laptop in his lap.

I'm worried it's turning into a bad habit.  I know i have my iPhone out way too much.

He says we're spending time together when we're watching TV together.  I disagree that it fills that void completely.

I told him I think we need to start scheduling blocks of time during the week.  Maybe make a calendar where we say things like "fold laundry on Mondays" as we usually have baskets full of clean stuff come Sunday night, and it would pull us away from screens and force us together.  That's when we have our best conversations.  When we're in the midst of an activity.

HE DOESN'T GET ME. He doesn't see much of a problem with it right now.  I'm trying to prevent a problem, bud!  And I miss time with him.  I absolutely understand needing time and space at the end of the work day.  I need some of that, myself.  But it's easy for time to get lost, and to miss out on one on one time with your spouse.

Sometimes I wish we lived back in the day where we had to sit around candles/lanterns together after the kids went to bed, chatting and mending socks, and then going to bed early and having sex because there's nothing else to do.

[CloudBee]

Jul 10, 2014 20:12:07 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

I don't disagree with you, but I don't think I'd be keen on subbing my internet or TV time with folding laundry. Perhaps start with more fun activities to get into a groove first?

Ok, I think I need to legit go apologize to him.

But I also suggested we schedule in sex, because we're usually too tired by the time we haul ourselves up to bed.  9pm sex was suggested before laundry!

[krystee]

I am having similar issues, minus the kid. I'm hoping to substitute his computer addiction and my phone addiction with long walks with the dogs, Wii competitions, and even doing our hobbies (digital photo albums and model plane building...aren't we so exciting??) with each other at the kitchen table. It usually just takes one evening of having a good time together to make us both realize we don't really want to spend all night on our devices.

[Willis Jackson]

Can he stay away from screens until your DS is in bed, at least? After-dinner deck time sounds like a good time to chat.

[mskitkat]

We have this problem. I instituted a no phones during dinner and no screens during datenight rule. DH acknowledges that it's a problem for him, but he doesn't care much to change it unless I throw a fit. He has a legitimate video game addiction though. There are certain types of games I had to flat out ban from our household because he couldn't control himself.

[crashgizmo]

We have this problem too, and it's definitely both of us. We usually try to do at least Friday nights with no TV, and sit on the patio with wine and dinner. But, like you said, it's during activities that we have the best conversation. We also like to walk the dog after dinner during the week, but again....we still end up with the TV/computer most of the time.

[dr.girlfriend]

We instituted a "tech-free weekly dinner." Every Monday night, no phones or computers from after work until the kid is in bed. :-)

[cjeanette]

During the school year the kids aren't allowed screen time during the week so I try to make it a rule that H and I can't either until after they are in bed. It helps us to be more productive.

Summer time all bets are off though m

[jewel]

We both have this problem, but my husband is particularly bad about it.

I've found that general conversations about how upset it makes me don't change a whole lot. What is effective, is suggesting activities in the moment. Like - Hey, want to play Skipbo with me? Do you mind helping me with the dishes? Etc. If I make a specific suggestion, he'll almost always go with it. Left up to him though, he's more likely to get lost in Twitter-ville, even though we've talked about it a bajillion times.

[xokell2]

I feel you.

Sometimes I feel like my household is in a constant state of distraction by electronics. We strive for one day a week of no tv, iPad, computers, etc... It helps keep us interacting

[CloudBee]

Great suggestions. We talked about it again, and the thought of going tech free, even on a schedule (so certain evenings) seems overwhelming to him. Come on!

We put together a simple calendar and threw on a few activities. He said once he sees how it goes, he may consider having an activity down for every day. Even if that means spending 15 minutes alone in our room folding laundry and chatting.

[Pom]

Jul 11, 2014 7:22:42 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

Great suggestions. We talked about it again, and the thought of going tech free, even on a schedule (so certain evenings) seems overwhelming to him. Come on!

We put together a simple calendar and threw on a few activities. He said once he sees how it goes, he may consider having an activity down for every day. Even if that means spending 15 minutes alone in our room folding laundry and chatting.

Good update.  I am glad you were able to revisit and try to make it work.  Make sure to throw sex in the mix often and hopefully that will keep him on board for the tech-less activities!  

I get your frustration.  We go through spells where all the outside issues/drama of the world like H's work, FIL stuff, etc... that one or both of us wades so far out in the river of shit, that it makes us feel disconnected.   I so hate that feeling.   Our coping tools seem to be a long talk, a swim, some laughs and definitely sex.

[evans]

Jul 11, 2014 7:22:42 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

Great suggestions. We talked about it again, and the thought of going tech free, even on a schedule (so certain evenings) seems overwhelming to him. Come on!

We put together a simple calendar and threw on a few activities. He said once he sees how it goes, he may consider having an activity down for every day. Even if that means spending 15 minutes alone in our room folding laundry and chatting.

I actually kind of get him on this. I see it this way: I'm an adult, I do not want to follow a schedule. If I want to check my email or whatever I should be free to do so without having to look and see if it's been scheduled. However, I'm happy to put my phone down (or a book- which is what I'm bad at) if something else is going on, especially if it is conversation. We try really hard not to use them during dinner daily.

At least you are making suggestions on other activities. This conversation happens a lot at our house: "What do you want to do?" "I don't know. What do you want to do?" "Ok, then I'm just going to keep reading/watching tv/playing a game."

[rondonalddo]

I might also suggest that his attachment to screens is a coping mechanism for stress and/or anxiety. It is for me, anyway, because, hey, you know what distracts you from feeling guilty and anxious all the time? Checking fb/ig/pinterest, reading news stories, etc. Not to pathologize the behavior, because it may just be a bad habit, but it could also be a symptom of other things. It's something I'm personally, but it may not be the issue for your H. Just something to consider.

[ijack]

Jul 11, 2014 8:04:56 GMT -5 evans said:

Jul 11, 2014 7:22:42 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

Great suggestions. We talked about it again, and the thought of going tech free, even on a schedule (so certain evenings) seems overwhelming to him. Come on!

We put together a simple calendar and threw on a few activities. He said once he sees how it goes, he may consider having an activity down for every day. Even if that means spending 15 minutes alone in our room folding laundry and chatting.

I actually kind of get him on this. I see it this way: I'm an adult, I do not want to follow a schedule. If I want to check my email or whatever I should be free to do so without having to look and see if it's been scheduled. However, I'm happy to put my phone down (or a book- which is what I'm bad at) if something else is going on, especially if it is conversation. We try really hard not to use them during dinner daily.

At least you are making suggestions on other activities. This conversation happens a lot at our house: "What do you want to do?" "I don't know. What do you want to do?" "Ok, then I'm just going to keep reading/watching tv/playing a game."

I would be super stressed if H suggested we make a calendar with nightly chores/activities/whatever on it. I very much need my down time and seeing that every night was planned for me (even if it was something I was going to do anyway) would make me so anxious. I agree with toning down the technology (I need to do this as well), but I think forcing it won't go very well.

[CloudBee]

I'm not trying to plan things down to the minute. Just have a reference/reminder to stop each night and at least look at each other.

[aurora]

Especially now that we don't exercise together in the evenings like we used to, I've also often felt more disconnected from H. Honestly, this is part of the reason I suggest we go to our local pub 1-2 nights/week for dinner (it's much more awkward to pull out your phone to ignore your dinner partner in public than at home). It really works for us. But, it does result in higher eating out bills.

For us, it's also less stressful to plan for one night a week that we'll do something together, but to wait to plan it until Sunday or Monday because then we have a better idea what the week looks like. I think I would also struggle with a set date every Monday or whatever.

[dr.girlfriend]

It also helps to have planned "outings." DH and I hardly ever just decide to get a sitter and go out on our own, but we're in a book club with a few friends and that forces us out every two months at least! :-)

[iheartbanjos]

DH and I have some of our best nights together inundating my brother or his brother and SIL with gif texts, so we use technology together. We also use it to control our Sonos, so it would e overwhelming for both of us to go without. We do not play on our phones in front of the kids unless I am nursing because that is not something we want to teach.

That being said, we try to always be present and not mindlessly staring at a phone or tv. We only watch TV 1-2 days a week after the kids are in bed, but we watch something we both like and discuss it as we watch.

What about getting a babysitter once a week or biweekly? That probably sounds like more fun than folding effing laundry.

[compassrose]

Jul 10, 2014 21:35:39 GMT -5 jewel said:

We both have this problem, but my husband is particularly bad about it.

I've found that general conversations about how upset it makes me don't change a whole lot. What is effective, is suggesting activities in the moment. Like - Hey, want to play Skipbo with me? Do you mind helping me with the dishes? Etc. If I make a specific suggestion, he'll almost always go with it. Left up to him though, he's more likely to get lost in Twitter-ville, even though we've talked about it a bajillion times.

I think this is really true. As your H, I'd agree in the moment but be bad with follow through. I think suggesting alternatives in the moment is the way to start.

[lys]

Walks after dinner instead of deck time?
Perhaps an agreement of total time allowed for screen time and a cut off time?
Have you told him you miss him?

[Deleted]

I think this has forever been a problem.

I'm pretty sure before electricity, people worked all day, are and fell asleep directly from pure exhaustion. My parents generally sat in the same room reading their own books:)

Do you eat dinner together? That's a nice time to talk. I don't think additional screen free time is a bad idea. Especially if you are all outside together.

My sister literally got rid of all TVs in her house. That's not for me though. We have 6, ha!

[genet313]

Jul 10, 2014 20:12:07 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

I don't disagree with you, but I don't think I'd be keen on subbing my internet or TV time with folding laundry. Perhaps start with more fun activities to get into a groove first?

this x100.  DH used to get really mad at me that I always had my ipad out at night, and i get it.  didn't like it at first, but i understood his concerns.  so we made a serious effort to find shows/movies we want to watch together, and we bond over shared things.  

and that does include doing the laundry together...but fun stuff too.  

[Deleted]

Big hugs. We have the exact same problem in our marriage and both really hate feeling disconnected. MH also has ADD which only exacerbates the problem. So if he's on the idevice du jour and engrossed in whatever, it's really hard to get him away from that and redirected. I completely feel you in this and know how utterly frustrating and often upsetting this can be.

[Deleted]

It is TOTALLY a coping mechanism for anxiety and stress for me. I tried to quit the phone and my anxiety skyrocketed. It was a big revelation! With that in mind, maybe suggest real stress busters like walks or other forms of light exercise, finding a new comedy show to hook into, volunteering together, etc. Internet is a distraction from stress but it's really just a band-aid.

[LoveTrains]

Is your H an introvert?

I am an introvert and my job is normally one that is held by extroverts. I am talking to people all day long - in person, on the phone, etc. I am tired of human interaction and generally want some screen time where I can play on the internet when I get home. Especially now that work is busy and I haven't had internet time at work!

I think making time for each other is good, but can't he help with DS? Like why is he playing on the screen while you are doing the child care? Maybe I just don't get it because we are child-free.

[bryantpark]

I posted something like this on mmm last weekend. I'm on my phone or else I would try to find you the link. There were some good comments in there. I basically had been having the same problem as you. DH and I had a really good talk about it and he was in fact stressed and upset about something in our relationship and admitted he was totally checking out. So at least that is out on the table and we are actively trying to work on it.

[wanderlustmom]

At least with DH and I, we do better when we get time to just chill and we can do whatever we want with that time, time to connect together, time to hang out with the kids and also time to get things done at night and on the weekends. As long as we talk about it and plan it--neither of us gets resentful.

We have really full lives--probably like everyone here--two school age kids, two careers (one with travel and a commute), four pets, kids sports. Our favorite thing is family dinner together. It feels like it takes an act of congress to happen but when it does--we all are happy.

Sometimes, admittedly in the evenings, I don't want to talk to anyone, not the kids, not DH or the pets. My shameful indulgence is watching dateline or the bachelorette or just surfing the internet. I try to tell DH in that I need that time and I don't want to have anyone needing me. I have an emotional job (therapist) so sometimes I have nothing left to give.

Also DH has a long commute and he sometimes wants to walk in and get on his bike trainer or just play a computer game.

The best thing that helps us is communication and rules about technology. But again, we say, everything in moderation including moderation itself. tonight, DH grilled, DS and DH watched world cup and DD and I sat in the family room with them. For the most part, screen time is a no for dinner--but not always.

[CloudBee]

We went on a walk after dinner with the kiddo, and it was lovely.

[vanillacourage]

Once the weather warmed up DH and I got into this awesome routine where on Friday nights (and Saturday nights, if we don't have other plans) we snack when the kids have dinner, then we make dinner together after the kids go to bed. And something good, usually trying out new recipes, over a bottle of wine. Then we sit outside next to the fire pit and chat over music. It's awesome and I feel like it recharges our batteries enough that I don't have to be on his case about quality time during the week.