Ex-MIL - What would you say?

[onedayatatime]

So my stbx-MIL sent me a letter and while I really appreciate the gesture of reaching out, I have no idea how to respond.

I balled my eyes out when I read it and alternated between angry, touched and hurt.  I don't want to send a message that negates/excuses the hurt her son caused me, but I also don't want to cause her pain by bringing any of that up.  Her first paragraph upsets me because she seems to think I actually knew he was thinking about divorce for the past year, which I did not.  It also suggests that he lied to his mom about going to counseling - we certainly never went individually before he said he wanted a divorce and we never talked about divorce with the marriage counselor, just about his sudden reluctance to have kids.  Then the last paragraph just makes me angry - knowing that I was "good for him" makes me feel a bit like a charity.  I loved him and have nothing to show for it in the end.

I also am aware that stbx has seen versions of this letter before it was sent and provided some editing, and have to assume he would see/hear anything I write back.

Thoughts?

Here is the note she sent:
Dear B,
    I have been thinking about you and wanting to write for quite a while now, but just have not known how to begin or what to say.  It is hard to find the words.  I just want you to know how sorry I am that things have turned out the way they have for you and R.  He told me last summer that you two were thinking about a divorce and I told him you needed to go to marriage counseling as a couple and as individuals and to not throwaway what you have had for the past 13 years.  He told me in the fall that you were going to the counseling together and separately.  I assumed things were better and the counseling had helped.  Then in March he told me he was moving out and that you are going to get a divorce.  I am very sad and upset about this decision.
    I know how hard and devastating a divorce is.  Even though I had wanted to end my marriage for a long time before my divorce, it was still a very emotional ordeal and it took me a long time to mentally and emotionally process everything.  R told me he is the one who wants the divorce.  I know that this makes it so much more difficult and my heart aches for you.  Hold on to the thought that it is better that it happens now, while you are young and there are no children involved.
    I want you to know that I love you and I respect you, and I think you have been very good for R.  You are a special, loving, intelligent, wonderful person.  Thank you for what you have brought into R's life and into my life.  I wish happiness, love and all the best for you.

Love, J
        

[MauMau]

I wouldn't know what to do here. :/

I want to mail my stbx FIL. Because I'm doubtful ex told him the real truth but he's just as shitty and will side with him. So far I'll just go with no contact.

[verycontrary247]

I'm spiteful, so I'd probably write back that her son is a lying liar who lied to you and her.

[sandytoes]

I don't think you need to respond. Why do you think that your STBX saw this letter?

[jojoandleo]

I either wouldn't respond, or would send a very short "thank you for the kind words" type response. I would NOT go into detail about what happened in your marriage/divorce. If he has lied to her, that's on him. No need to get into a he said/she said with his mom. I understand 100% wanting her to know the truth, but at this point, it really doesn't matter, ya know? He's her son. She will love him whether or not you all went to counseling.

[Deleted]

I understand the desire to let the truth be known.  It's acceptable to not respond, or just send a simple thank you.  If I was angry, I may let it all out to feel better--not that it will make a difference to her.  It really depends on the relationship you had with her and how you feel right now.  ((Hugs))

[mcc]

Some people need their own "closure". Don't feel obligated to respond.

[cuddlyevil]

I don't know that I'd respond.

It is a nice gesture on her part, but I don't think I'd respond.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

I got a similar letter from my XMIL (in terms of saying that she was sad, and sorry it didn't work out, etc etc) although I did feel I needed to somewhat keep the peace with her because we do have a child together and I want him to always be close with his grandparents. So I just responded with a thank you, and that I was sorry she was also hurting through this process, and an assurance that I wanted my son to see them whenever possible. I would say you could either not respond or respond with something brief and generic if you felt compelled.

[WinterIsComing]

I'm sorry onedayatatime. I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt you with the letter - she is probably having a hard time understanding what happened and people don't always understand how their actions may hurt others. You should respond however will make you feel better in the long run.

I made sure all of STBXHs family knew exactly what a cheating ass he was and that he moved in with his little girlfriend immediately. Honestly, it made me feel a lot better for them to know this wasn't my fault and for them to see the real him. They have all been super supportive of me and refuse to see him if he has her around but in the long run I know I won't continue a relationship with them.

I probably should have been the bigger person but I don't regret it. It made me feel better for them to know I wasn't the bd guy and I don't think I will ever regret doing it. Only you know yourself and XMIL. Do whatever will be best for you.

[MyName]

That is tough. I think a short "thank you" would be fine, if you even feel like responding.

I was with stbx for 12 years, and his parents are devastated. They don't know the details, but they know it was his fault. I sent a mother's day card to MIL and a birthday card to FIL this year - no real note, just "Happy [whatever]! Hope you are well!" I used stbx's address on them, but he must've given his mom my new address because she sent me a card back. It said that it would mean the world to her to keep in touch, but that is just not realistic. I'll send her a bday card in December. lol

Do whatever feels right to you. You are going through your own hard time, and it's not up to you to make other people feel okay about it. You are definitely not obligated to respond.

[Deleted]

I would not respond.

[pl77]

I understand exactly what this feels like, but my XMIL took it to extremes because Ex was secretly gay and she's very religious (the bad, gays go to hell kind), so she tried hard to convince me to refuse the divorce and "live like brother and sister until he comes around". I'm glad yours isn't trying to push for you to stay together. My guess is she really does just feel awful and wants you to know she's thinking of you...but honestly after trying to keep up a friendly relationship with the Xinlaws for the sake of my kids I've had to put a lot of distance in to keep the awful and sad comments from breaking me down. I don't know that it would be the case for you but distance from his family is probably for the best right now, and if I was in her position I would understand if I never received a response back from you.

[LoveBug]

It would bother me that mil had all the details wrong but I don't think I would want anything documented back to her. My mil mentioned the counseling my STBX and I did before and I had to clarify that we did one session before he called it quits. She seemed very surprised and I could have continued with more details but let it be. This was during a live phone call which I think is different than a letter.

Maybe think about it for a few days and if you want to respond, write it out and think about it for another few days before sending it.

[onedayatatime]

Jul 16, 2014 8:15:15 GMT -5 sandytoes said:

I don't think you need to respond. Why do you think that your STBX saw this letter?

A couple days before it arrived he sent me a text that she was sending one and he thinks I will like it better than the first version she showed him.  

[glitzyglow]

I would thank her for her thinking of me and leave it at that.

[onedayatatime]

Thanks everyone. I hadn't really considered before that she might have needed to send this for her own closure, and not thinking of how it would feel to receive it. But that makes sense.

I know her intentions were well meant so I don't really want to try and correct her (his) version of events or explain anything to her. In person it might be a different story, but not in a letter. Plus as several of you mentioned - he is her son and in the end she will have to support him in some way.

I'll let it be for a few more days - and then either send nothing or just the very brief "Thank you for thinking of me" type note.

[berbles]

I think that's a good idea.

I know XH has only given his parents his version of things (though my parents are still friendly with them and my mom may have given them a more balanced version). As much as it kills me, there's just no point in trying to correct his version of the truth or defend myself. It would only make me look worse.

[Deleted]

Jul 16, 2014 12:58:45 GMT -5 onedayatatime said:

Jul 16, 2014 8:15:15 GMT -5 sandytoes said:

I don't think you need to respond. Why do you think that your STBX saw this letter?

A couple days before it arrived he sent me a text that she was sending one and he thinks I will like it better than the first version she showed him.  

WTF?

[MauMau]

WinterIsComing you have no idea how badly I want to do what you did. Something to the extent that your son was a serial cheater, hit me in front of your ex wife, and would sexually accost me in out home. And the German bitches who helped shelter him, feed him, and hide my dishes in the first week. I wish I could tell those girls too.

I'll still be debating doing so until the divorce is final.

[onedayatatime]

Jul 16, 2014 14:57:48 GMT -5 doglove said:

Jul 16, 2014 12:58:45 GMT -5 onedayatatime said:

A couple days before it arrived he sent me a text that she was sending one and he thinks I will like it better than the first version she showed him.  

WTF?

I know, that was my feeling on his text as well. I didn't respond to him or ask for any details, because I think he wanted a conversation and I am trying to avoid talking to him except about the divorce.

Knowing the both of them, I think her original version was probably over the top emotional, listing specific memories together or how wonderful our vacations were or something along those lines. So I am grateful it was toned down - but I still don't like him being involved in it.


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[WinterIsComing]

Jul 16, 2014 15:04:09 GMT -5 MauMau said:

WinterIsComing you have no idea how badly I want to do what you did. Something to the extent that your son was a serial cheater, hit me in front of your ex wife, and would sexually accost me in out home. And the German bitches who helped shelter him, feed him, and hide my dishes in the first week. I wish I could tell those girls too.

I'll still be debating doing so until the divorce is final.

I know everyone says to be the bigger person but I would do it again in a heartbeat. I figure it went one of two ways. 1) They didn't believe me and took his side. But I figured if they did that than who cares what they thought about me telling. Their opinion of me wouldn't matter. 2) They believed me and knew what kind of a person he is. Like I said, in the long run it won't matter but it makes me slightly better that if he introduces his gf to them that they will know all about her. And she (and he) will know exactly what his family thinks about their relationship.

Maybe I'm just a bigger bitch than I realize but I say do it if it will make you feel better and you won't regret it.

[MauMau]

Jul 16, 2014 17:47:51 GMT -5 WinterIsComing said:

Jul 16, 2014 15:04:09 GMT -5 MauMau said:

WinterIsComing you have no idea how badly I want to do what you did. Something to the extent that your son was a serial cheater, hit me in front of your ex wife, and would sexually accost me in out home. And the German bitches who helped shelter him, feed him, and hide my dishes in the first week. I wish I could tell those girls too.

I'll still be debating doing so until the divorce is final.

I know everyone says to be the bigger person but I would do it again in a heartbeat. I figure it went one of two ways. 1) They didn't believe me and took his side. But I figured if they did that than who cares what they thought about me telling. Their opinion of me wouldn't matter. 2) They believed me and knew what kind of a person he is. Like I said, in the long run it won't matter but it makes me slightly better that if he introduces his gf to them that they will know all about her. And she (and he) will know exactly what his family thinks about their relationship.

Maybe I'm just a bigger bitch than I realize but I say do it if it will make you feel better and you won't regret it.

I'll probably do it after the divorce is final.

[katiecj]

My ex mil sent me a message after she found out about our split. It was similar, encouraged us to try counseling, and ended with her telling me I should try going to the gym to deal with my anger issues.

Cue confusion.

Then she found out the truth about why we broke up. Her son lied and cheated on me numerous times, and she apologized.

I'd probably just acknowledge the letter and say that while it is difficult, it is for the best.

[MauMau]

Okay I was thinking about this yesterday. Wouldn't it be awesome if there was a device you could send a letter to someone. Than it would combust so only they could read it. No sharing with our ex's/people we dislike. Like the Howler letters in Harry Potter. Times I wish Harry Potter stuff was real.

[onedayatatime]

Jul 17, 2014 18:13:24 GMT -5 MauMau said:

Okay I was thinking about this yesterday. Wouldn't it be awesome if there was a device you could send a letter to someone. Than it would combust so only they could read it. No sharing with our ex's/people we dislike. Like the Howler letters in Harry Potter. Times I wish Harry Potter stuff was real.

I love this idea . I also would love a rememberall.


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[WinterIsComing]

Jul 17, 2014 18:13:24 GMT -5 MauMau said:

Okay I was thinking about this yesterday. Wouldn't it be awesome if there was a device you could send a letter to someone. Than it would combust so only they could read it. No sharing with our ex's/people we dislike. Like the Howler letters in Harry Potter. Times I wish Harry Potter stuff was real.

I always wish Harry Potter stuff was real. I would love to put annoying spells on STBXHs stuff before giving it to him. Not malicious spells, just ones to make his crap be really annoying!