Ugh awkward feelings talk.

[pl77]

I'm going to tell my chef that I'm uncomfortable with his dating profile being up, assuming it still is.  During the exclusivity talk a month ago he said he keeps it up during relationships and just doesn't check it much, including when he lived with a girl-at the time I was surprised and didn't think it would bother me, but it does now because I urged one of my extremely introverted friends to try online dating and she found his active as of a few days ago. I asked her not to tell me about it and said I'd talk to him. She thinks that he's still looking around.  While I'd like to disagree, I don't know why else you'd keep an active profile with "single" as your status.

I'm starting to get attached to him and if he wants to keep his options open I'd like to know that sooner than later.  It's been two months and he asks for and gets every kid-free evening and afternoon I have, unless I'm running errands or already have plans with friends-my kid-free time is pretty precious to me and I'd rather not be spending it on a dude who isn't that into this.  So.  I'm probably going to let him know I feel uncomfortable with him keeping his profile up, if it still is, because I'm getting attached to him but that if he wants to keep his options open I will be putting my profile back up (he knows mine is down) and we'll likely see each other a lot less or not at all.

I hate this shit. My stomach is in anxious knots because it's awkward and embarrassing and I'd be sorry to see him go.  But not sorry enough to keep pretending I'm okay with something that bothers me.

UPDATE: 

It was SO hard to spit the words out because when he came over he was excited to see me and extra cuddly., And brought my favorite kind of hard cider. (He'd forgotten a shirt here which Is why I thought in person was better). His face sort of dropped when I told him "I like you a lot BUT"  and before I'd finished explaining he said I was right and he was sorry he'd left it up, but he'd done so because I didn't seem to mind and he didn't use it, just checked it now and again because he was bored, but that he would delete it immediately. I was not expecting that and sort of stared at him.

I didn't end it. Had he lied or been defensive or passive aggressive, I would have immediately but he was honest and he told me he likes me very much and doesnt want to see anyone else. i didn't end it because I didn't want to as I sat looking at him and the anxiousness on his usually very stoic face. I know this won't be a popular choice and I understand that, but I wanted to give it one more week and see of he does actually delete it. He's been honest so far when I've asked him difficult things and I do like him.

[riverpestie]

I wonder why he still wants to keep his profile up when he is exclusive...

Good for you for asking about it!

[starburst604]

If you've had the exclusive talk, this is not ok. That's some bullshit.

[Deleted]

That sucks. Honestly I wouldn't want to even have a discussion. I mean if they are actively keeping their profile up and listing themselves as single it pretty much tells you all you need to know. You shouldn't have to ask someone you are exclusive with to take down their profile. I think I'd just say "After thinking about it, I'm not interested in dating someone who wants to keep their dating profile up." and leave it at that.

[pl77]

Jul 18, 2014 16:19:42 GMT -5 pandora said:

I've been in this situation and I think you're approaching it the best way possible. I also was not OK with him still being online and he assured me he was exclusive but it turned out that he had emailed a friend of mine and she put 2 and 2 together. I ended it immediately with him.

I don't see any other reason for anyone to keep a profile up unless they are still keeping their options open and/or waiting for something better to come along. If you've had the exclusivity talk then in your shoes, I'd talk to him (as you plan to do) and if he won't take it down, I'd move on. I wouldn't demand it but I would expect him to volunteer to do so once I expressed being not comfortable with it and if he didn't, I'd determine that he's not that into me and buh bye. It's an awful feeling and I hope the conversation goes OK. It's not worth wasting time on someone who doesn't have your best intentions in mind.

This is one of the reasons I didn't like online dating.

It's a terrible feeling.  Generally my self esteem is pretty good, but not when the person I'm actively sleeping with is potentially still looking around and saying he's happy being exclusive with me.  I'd rather be single and feeling okay about myself than "sort of with" someone but not positive that they're in this.

I get that he might see it as something to check out of boredom every once in a while, but that's what non-dating sites are for, IMO...and I'd rather be alone or with someone who sees it the same way.

Because I stupidly played it cool before instead of saying "wait what" the moment he said he keeps it up, he probably thinks I'm fine with it.  Which is why I'm ovary-ing up and talking to him about it before I let myself get much more into him.

[onedayatatime]

The fact that he kept it up while he was living with a girl is crazy to me.

Good for you for speaking up


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[doriswe]

Jul 18, 2014 16:25:29 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

That sucks. Honestly I wouldn't want to even have a discussion. I mean if they are actively keeping their profile up and listing themselves as single it pretty much tells you all you need to know. You shouldn't have to ask someone you are exclusive with to take down their profile. I think I'd just say "After thinking about it, I'm not interested in dating someone who wants to keep their dating profile up." and leave it at that.

I'm gonna sit over here. There's no need for him to maintain a profile if he's in a relationship.  Even if he was bored and looking at profiles, from time to time, there are ways to hide it so it does have the outward appearance of still single and looking.

[stephreloaded]

I'm sure that we have discussed this here before but if you don't actually log in to check your profile, would you still show as active?

[pl77]

Jul 18, 2014 17:07:52 GMT -5 stephreloaded said:

I'm sure that we have discussed this here before but if you don't actually log in to check your profile, would you still show as active?

I think it depends on the site. I used okcupid and I'm pretty sure you have to actually log in for it to show him as active.

[pl77]

Jul 18, 2014 17:12:51 GMT -5 mp said:

A month + a few days ago, you said you were happy even if this was a casual relationship. How did this go from casual to exclusive in less than a week - as in, I'm wondering how this was approached, and if he just kinda went along with it but wasn't ready to be exclusive after 2/3 weeks.

Not to say his behavior is ok. If he says exclusive, he should mean exclusive.

I told him after I think three weeks that I liked him and wanted to keep seeing him, that I took my profile down and would like to see where it goes, that if he wasn't ready for that I understood and would keep seeing him (and banging him) but that I'd put my profile back up and probably date others as well, that I prefer having sex in an exclusive relationship but would still see him and continue to look for someone looking for exclusivity if he wasn't.  I was honest and open and he said "yeah of course" when I said do you feel comfortable dating exclusively.  

Which surprised me.  I pretty much gave him a "yeah I'll still bang you" pass and he didn't take it.

[pl77]

Jul 18, 2014 17:38:41 GMT -5 mp said:

Is there any chance he took that as - you're just exclusive sexually? But that dating is open for him? I dunno, trying to understand. Because really, if there was no miscommunication - ditto @pdx18.

I really don't think there was any miscommunication.  I made it clear if he wasn't ready to stop dating others, I'd still be seeing him but seeing others too and he seemed to be saying of course he just wanted to date me and not anyone else.  I said "okay!  I'll leave my profile down then."

Sooo there's no reason for his profile to still be up.  Except that I acted like it wasn't weird to me when it was because I was running on too much adrenaline from a big awkward talk, so probably he thinks it's fine to go on.

But that is kind of a douche thing to do, still.  So.  Sigh.  I wish he would've just taken the casual dating pass when it was clearly offered if that was what he wanted.  The last guy I dated acted as though he wanted only long-term serious commitment and bolted the moment I hinted that might be an option for me in the future.

[doriswe]

I don't understand 'I'd prefer" statement. I'd prefer lots of things but that doesn't mean I get it. If I only have sex in an exclusive relationship I say 'I only have sex with someone I'm exclusive with.'

I think you're trying really hard to fit a square peg in a round hole (and not the first time I've thought this). Why are you so eager to be exclusive so close to the end of your marriage?

[pl77]

Jul 18, 2014 18:09:08 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I don't understand 'I'd prefer" statement. I'd prefer lots of things but that doesn't mean I get it. If I only have sex in an exclusive relationship I say 'I only have sex with someone I'm exclusive with.'

I think you're trying really hard to fit a square peg in a round hole (and not the first time I've thought this). Why are you so eager to be exclusive so close to the end of your marriage?

At that point I'd already jumped into bed too soon, which was a mistake, so I suppose I should have said "though we've been having sex I don't want to do it anymore unless we're exclusive" or something like that.

Because I want to have sex and companionship and eventually fall in love.  I have friends, but not the touching and intimacy of sex. I feel close to someone when I'm having sex with them and therefore don't want them to have sex with someone else.  The end of my marriage was a year ago, which didn't seem too soon to me but the more I see how emotional I get about men that don't seem to really care about me the more I see that I'm rushing it with each of them.

I spent my entire teenage years and 20's with someone that I thought loved me, only to find out I was being used.  I just want to know what it's like to actually be loved.  I'm cringing as I write this about how pathetic it is, but it's the truth.

[doriswe]

I commend you for being honest with yourself! I get the feeling but this method will land you in a relationship with someone who isn't a good fit just to have someone. You deserve more than that. Take time for yourself. Love yourself. Embrace your new life. Don't depend on some dude to make you feel important/loved/desired.

[doriswe]

Also, I'm sure your xh loved you just not in the way you needed. Don't beat yourself up for that. He was an important part of your life and played a role to get you to the next stage in your life.

[pl77]

Jul 18, 2014 18:30:53 GMT -5 mp said:

Jul 18, 2014 18:21:55 GMT -5 pl77 said:

At that point I'd already jumped into bed too soon, which was a mistake, so I suppose I should have said "though we've been having sex I don't want to do it anymore unless we're exclusive" or something like that.

Because I want to have sex and companionship and eventually fall in love.  I have friends, but not the touching and intimacy of sex. I feel close to someone when I'm having sex with them and therefore don't want them to have sex with someone else.  The end of my marriage was a year ago, which didn't seem too soon to me but the more I see how emotional I get about men that don't seem to really care about me the more I see that I'm rushing it with each of them.

I spent my entire teenage years and 20's with someone that I thought loved me, only to find out I was being used.  I just want to know what it's like to actually be loved.  I'm cringing as I write this about how pathetic it is, but it's the truth.

Are you still in therapy? Honestly, you're so desperate for love that it's sad. Not sad like I pity you and think you're pathetic... just sad, like ... you're trying so hard to find it you're clinging. It's coming off really codependent and needy, and if you do find some dude that accepts this behavior, he's likely not going to be a healthy relationship for you.

And... many of us want to have sex and companionship and fall in love. Myself included. But you can't rush it, you'll just end up falling into another codependent situation and that's not real love.

I am.  It feels like that at least has been going well and in general my therapist seems to think it's good that I'm dating and gaining new experiences, as the first month of separation I was convinced no one would want someone with my baggage, etc.  She's one of those ones that won't offer much of an opinion though and "well what do YOU think"s a lot.

I appreciate the honesty, although it's hard to read, I know it's true.  I don't want to be codependent and I want to be healthy.  I guess it's probably a good time to step back from dating and focus more on myself.

[jojoandleo]

Girl- dump him. He's not right and you are settling because you don't feel cry about no strings sex (which is fine!). Don't be in a relationship because you want companionship, be in one because you want him.

I get wanting to fall in love and be loved. I DO! I'm pretty sure I was you in my early twenties, and the men I attracted were... Not right. Give yourself time to heal! Don't try and force a relationship to feel loved! Learn to love yourself and THEN find someone who deserves you. *hugs*

[pl77]

You're all being so kind I'm actually tearing up. Than you for tolerating the crazy wishy washy-ness!

[Deleted]

pl77, I'm sorry that you're going through this.  Definitely stand up for yourself.  I think you deserve more.  We all want to fall in love and live happily ever after.  Unfortunately, sometimes we pick the wrong person...or a person who is right at the time, but then it changes.  It's not your fault.  In the beginning, people tend to be on their best behavior....and then we begin to see the truth.  Big hugs.

[redredwine]

Companionship and love? Get a dog.

Sex? A great vibrator.

Problem solved, tears spared.

[redredwine]

Jul 18, 2014 23:39:12 GMT -5 mp said:

Jul 18, 2014 23:35:22 GMT -5 redredwine said:

Companionship and love? Get a dog.

Sex? A great vibrator.

Problem solved, tears spared.

If only vibrators came with a warm set of strong arms!

True. That is they're only downfall. At least they dont have dating profile they "don't really check"

[Deleted]

mp I'm pretty sure that's what this is for

[WinterIsComing]

Jul 18, 2014 19:24:07 GMT -5 pl77 said:

You're all being so kind I'm actually tearing up. Than you for tolerating the crazy wishy washy-ness!

You definitely deserve and can find someone better. Someone who will want to be with just you and can give you what you need.

Everyone has been so kind because you have handled this post with such grace. Many people, myself probably included, would have been defensive, but you took the advice given and really seemed to reflect on it. I give you serious props for being able to be so self aware and able recognize your issues. Once you take that and start acting on it, you are going to find someone amazing!

[LoveBug]

Jul 18, 2014 23:41:19 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

mp I'm pretty sure that's what this is for

I need that!

[pl77]

It was SO hard to spit the words out because when he came over he was excited to see me and extra cuddly., And brought my favorite kind of hard cider. (He'd forgotten a shirt here which Is why I thought in person was better). His face sort of dropped when I told him and before I'd finished explaining he said I was right and he was sorry he'd left it up, but he'd done so because I didn't seem to mind and he didn't use it, just checked it now and again because he was bored, but that he would delete it immediately. I was not expecting that and sort of stared at him.

I didn't end it. Had he lied or been defensive or passive aggressive, I would have immediately but he was honest and he told me he likes me very much and doesnt want to see anyone else. i didn't end it because I didn't want to as I sat looking at him and the anxiousness on his usually very stoic face. I know this wont be a popular choice and I understand that, but I wanted to give it one more week and see of he does actually delete it. He's been honest so far when I've asked him difficult things and I do like him.

[doriswe]

Jul 19, 2014 10:26:13 GMT -5 pl77 said:

It was SO hard to spit the words out because when he came over he was excited to see me and extra cuddly., And brought my favorite kind of hard cider. (He'd forgotten a shirt here which Is why I thought in person was better). His face sort of dropped when I told him and before I'd finished explaining he said I was right and he was sorry he'd left it up, but he'd done so because I didn't seem to mind and he didn't use it, just checked it now and again because he was bored, but that he would delete it immediately. I was not expecting that and sort of stared at him.

I didn't end it. Had he lied or been defensive or passive aggressive, I would have immediately but he was honest and he told me he likes me very much and doesnt want to see anyone else. i didn't end it because I didn't want to as I sat looking at him and the anxiousness on his usually very stoic face. I know this wont be a popular choice and I understand that, but I wanted to give it one more week and see of he does actually delete it. He's been honest so far when I've asked him difficult things and I do like him.

I say this with love, but this screams codependent.  And it's not just about the profile.  It's about a man who sees nothing wrong with "just looking" while he's in a relationship with someone.  It's about someone who didn't think you were amazing enough to stop looking.  It's about you settling because you didn't want to hurt his feelings.  You know as well as I do, that you'll always wonder if he's still looking (online or otherwise).  You put yourself second.  A week won't change any of this, however, I suspect you'll talk yourself into sticking it out because he's there and meets some of your "must haves". 

[starburst604]

Jul 19, 2014 12:38:14 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Jul 19, 2014 10:26:13 GMT -5 pl77 said:

It was SO hard to spit the words out because when he came over he was excited to see me and extra cuddly., And brought my favorite kind of hard cider. (He'd forgotten a shirt here which Is why I thought in person was better). His face sort of dropped when I told him and before I'd finished explaining he said I was right and he was sorry he'd left it up, but he'd done so because I didn't seem to mind and he didn't use it, just checked it now and again because he was bored, but that he would delete it immediately. I was not expecting that and sort of stared at him.

I didn't end it. Had he lied or been defensive or passive aggressive, I would have immediately but he was honest and he told me he likes me very much and doesnt want to see anyone else. i didn't end it because I didn't want to as I sat looking at him and the anxiousness on his usually very stoic face. I know this wont be a popular choice and I understand that, but I wanted to give it one more week and see of he does actually delete it. He's been honest so far when I've asked him difficult things and I do like him.

I say this with love, but this screams codependent.  And it's not just about the profile.  It's about a man who sees nothing wrong with "just looking" while he's in a relationship with someone.  It's about someone who didn't think you were amazing enough to stop looking.  It's about you settling because you didn't want to hurt his feelings.  You know as well as I do, that you'll always wonder if he's still looking (online or otherwise).  You put yourself second.  A week won't change any of this, however, I suspect you'll talk yourself into sticking it out because he's there and meets some of your "must haves". 

This explains just what I feel about this. (And I'm druunk). You shouldn't have to ask. He should be so thrilled to have found you that he doesn't want any online profile anymore, ever.

[lookingup]

pl77, I see what the other ladies are saying, and I don't disagree, but I would have done the same thing as you. It seems like he's on the same page as you are as far as your relationship is concerned, but maybe it took him just a little longer to get there. I feel like this is one of those "not wrong, just different" situations, so while others may not go for that, I would give the guy a chance. We all say that men aren't mind readers and that you need to communicate what you're feeling or else they won't know. I think that applies here, if he honestly didn't intend to use the profile to meet up with or message anyone else.

[jojoandleo]

My reason for saying dump him wasn't due to HIS actions, it's due to YOURS. You admitted you wanted a relationship with him because you wanted companionship. That's just not a good enough reason. You are settling for a warm body because you are lonely. I get it, but just pay attention to that voice inside that says something isn't right. You will do what you will, and no judgment, but I encourage you to REALLY think about this relationship. Do you want HIM, or just SOMEONE?

[sandytoes]

Jul 19, 2014 16:31:40 GMT -5 lookingup said:

pl77, I see what the other ladies are saying, and I don't disagree, but I would have done the same thing as you. It seems like he's on the same page as you are as far as your relationship is concerned, but maybe it took him just a little longer to get there. I feel like this is one of those "not wrong, just different" situations, so while others may not go for that, I would give the guy a chance. We all say that men aren't mind readers and that you need to communicate what you're feeling or else they won't know. I think that applies here, if he honestly didn't intend to use the profile to meet up with or message anyone else.

Completely agree. I would have done the same thing in your situation..confronted him and gauge his reaction. Of course, be on the look out for any shady behavior.