Post by twinkletoes76 on Jul 21, 2014 1:27:04 GMT -5
Hey ladies. Quick intro ... I'm in my mid 30s. Separated about 14 months, divorce will be finalized soon, like any day now I should get my divorce decree. No kids.
Here comes the long part, with a WWYD question at the end.
About 3 months ago I started casually seeing a guy I met at a meetup.com running club. He had just moved to my city from about 1700 miles away and knows no one here. At first, he just asked me to go to a sporting event with him "as friends." I wasn't sure I was ready to date, but because he said "as friends" I agreed to go. We ended up seeing each other fairly regularly, 1-2 times per week. After about a month it seemed pretty clear that we were more than friends, although I wasn't ready to jump into anything serious. He said he was happily single and not interested in getting married again (I'm not either). We have been having sex for the last 6-7 weeks. But we aren't overly connected in other parts of our life. Like my family doesn't know about him. We aren't Facebook friends, etc., which is fine with me. I'm not that invested at this point.
This is weekend, we went camping for 3 days with a couple of my friends. He mentioned posting some photos from the trip on Facebook and talked about getting back into using Facebook regularly again.
Tonight after I got home, I looked him up on Facebook. Just curious. He has a really common name, so I'm surprised I found him. And guess what else I found? His "about" section says he got engaged to a woman (from his old city) over July 4 weekend.
When he went out of town for the July 4 weekend, he told me he was going to see some buddies from home. I picked him up from the airport when he got back, he spent the night, and we had sex. Now I know that was just days after he got engaged to someone else.
I'm sort of hurt that I was lied to, but I wasn't all that invested in the relationship yet. He was my fun rebound guy but I never pictured it working out long term. Obviously, now that I know he's engaged to someone else, I will not be seeing him anymore. I haven't confronted him yet since I just found out a few hours ago, but I am absolutely sure I will not date him anymore.
Then again, she isn't married to him yet and I can't help but feel like if I was in her place, I would want to know what I'm getting into. I would want to know that I'm engaged to a cheater.
Someone contacted me when I was engaged to tell me XH was not the person I thought he was. She was right but I didn't listen to a stranger who I thought was just some jealous bitch. I'm sure it made her feel better that she tried to warn me.
I would probably contact her. Maybe she's had an inkling and needs proof, maybe she'll think you're nuts, but that's up to her how she will use the info
Post by pantsoffdanceoff on Jul 21, 2014 7:50:18 GMT -5
I agree with @stpete , I would want to know. Definitely show her proof but don't get involved after that. Say your peace (piece?) and then move on. It's up to her after that if she still wants to marry him.
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Jul 21, 2014 7:58:35 GMT -5
Something similar happened to me about a year and a half ago - had the ill-advised sexual relationship with someone shortly after I got divorced. And while we were together, he went on vacation (I thought he was going on a trip to visit his dad) and came home engaged. I did talk to her. Here's how that went:
Turns out, this wasn't the first time he had cheated. And after she talked to him about it, they decided to stay together and he had her convinced that I initiated everything and it was basically completely my fault. I told her good luck and haven't had any contact with them since, although I know through the grapevine that they're still planning to get married this Fall.
I'm betting she already knows. It's up to you whether or not you want to tell her, but you need to be prepared for the fact that it may not matter to her. I had a hard time with that, and it really bothered me to be painted as someone who threatened their relationship as opposed to someone who also got played.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Post by WinterIsComing on Jul 21, 2014 8:12:48 GMT -5
I would tell her and provide some proof like an email. If I was her, I would want to know. Be ready though that she won't believe you or that they will paint you as the bad guy in this whole situation. If he is a cheater, I bet he will also be able to rationalize this when she confronts him.
I would absolutely tell her. Wtf is up with the responses of, "She probably knows already." My ex was cheating in the next town over and I had no clue until someone told me. Whether she believes you or not is irrelevant. To withhold the option of giving her the ability to make a choice regarding information that directly relates to her health is a terrible decision. If she chooses to ignore to be it, but she might also believe you.
So, I would find a way to tell her. I am well aware a lot of people would brush it off or get upset and be in denial.. but you never know! You could save some woman from wasting time and money.
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Jul 21, 2014 9:35:14 GMT -5
Be sure, I'm not saying, don't tell her. Just that you have to be prepared to be the bad guy, and that really sucks because you end up losing the relationship or potential relationship, and then you have someone you don't even know mad at you for something that's not your fault. That was a tough combination for me.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
I would tell. I couldn't put myself in a position of knowing something that could potentially harm someone and not giving them the option to get out of harms way.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I agree with the others who said you should tell her and that it is up to her what she does with it then move on and don't get too invested in the outcome. Again, I'm really sorry, he really sucks.
It's funny, because I tend to lean toward "MYOB" when someone finds out their spouse is cheating on them with someone else who is married. But in this case, I think I would tell. This person is not married yet and you're not doing it to be vindictive. I would not want to marry someone who was cheating on me (especially the day after we got engaged...gross) and she should know before she makes a huge mistake.
Be sure, I'm not saying, don't tell her. Just that you have to be prepared to be the bad guy, and that really sucks because you end up losing the relationship or potential relationship, and then you have someone you don't even know mad at you for something that's not your fault. That was a tough combination for me.
In this case she has no relationship with the woman and has nothing to lose.
Be sure, I'm not saying, don't tell her. Just that you have to be prepared to be the bad guy, and that really sucks because you end up losing the relationship or potential relationship, and then you have someone you don't even know mad at you for something that's not your fault. That was a tough combination for me.
In this case she has no relationship with the woman and has nothing to lose.
Right. I didn't either. I just wasn't prepared for the verbal lashing I got (even though it was from someone I didn't know and probably shouldn't have cared about) while also losing the relationship (even if it was just attention or companionship) from the dude. I took all of that really hard.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
She will probably not believe you and just think that you are the woman scorned but you should tell her anyway and if you have any proof of your relationship with this guy (pictures from camping or something)send those along to her.
I always pro telling. I know people say to myob a lot, but I would want to know. Since you don't know this person, I would either do it anonymously or make sure your FB is private so there is no chance she is going to lash out at you publicly. If you can send her screenshots of texts or emails, definitely do it.
I think the worst part of being cheated on was knowing other people knew and no one bothered to tell me.
The bolded is definitely how I feel. I think a few months ago I would have definitely been in the MYOB camp but finding out STBXH was cheating, and that people knew, definitely changed how I view the situation.
Post by DirtySouth on Jul 21, 2014 12:44:41 GMT -5
I'd tell. It's not like you have anything to lose by telling, and I sure as hell would want to know. Even if she doesn't believe you, I would still feel better knowing that I gave her information to make an informed choice about marrying the guy. If she ignores this big red flag, then that's on her.
I'd tell her. I was cheated on right before my wedding and I wouldn't have gone through with it had I known. I may have doubted the person telling me but I would have had the opportunity to hash it out with him before the wedding.
I am done with him, I have no desire to be in any kind of relationship with him. I will not knowingly be the other woman.
She might not believe me. I might get blamed (although I really had no idea he wasn't single). She might marry him anyway. That's her choice to do whatever she wants with the information.
I might feel differently if he was already married. But he's not. Maybe she already knows he's a cheater but if she doesn't (and it would be so easy to hide since I live so far from her) maybe I can open her eyes and saver her from a marriage to a lying liar who lies.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."