Let us know how it goes. Good luck. It's the right thing to do. And I'm sorry--even though it wasn't a "relationship", it's absolutely shitty to be lied to.
I have no connection to the fiancé, I know who she is through his Facebook page. I can message her there. Or, I admit I cyber stalked a little and found her email address (but it's a work address so probably not appropriate).
Just so you know, when you send a message to someone you aren't friends with on Facebook, it does not go into the normal message inbox. It goes to a separate inbox called other messages that most people never see or check. I agree that it's best to not send to her work email but if you want her to see the message it may be worth digging a little more to try to come up with a personal email address.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I agree with the others who said you should tell her and that it is up to her what she does with it then move on and don't get too invested in the outcome. Again, I'm really sorry, he really sucks.
I agree with this too. I'm sorry you are in this position.
I have no connection to the fiancé, I know who she is through his Facebook page. I can message her there. Or, I admit I cyber stalked a little and found her email address (but it's a work address so probably not appropriate).
Just so you know, when you send a message to someone you aren't friends with on Facebook, it does not go into the normal message inbox. It goes to a separate inbox called other messages that most people never see or check. I agree that it's best to not send to her work email but if you want her to see the message it may be worth digging a little more to try to come up with a personal email address.
I know. But there's now an option to have a message to a non-friend go directly to the inbox for $1. I think I'll do that. I'd rather pay $1 to send the message to her facebook inbox than send a message to her work email. Especially since she works as a HS guidance counselor and might not even be checking email over the summer.
Post by twinkletoes76 on Jul 21, 2014 21:07:08 GMT -5
Also ... as a further update ...
I know I should stop digging, but I found out that he's not even divorced yet. Granted, I'm not either, but I was up front about that. I explained to him that I separated from my XH in spring 2013, and divorce paperwork had been filed but wasn't finalized/official quite yet. Which is all true.
He told me that he got divorced 3 years ago. I found court records, and they are going to court next month. So, he is getting divorced, but isn't yet. His stbx-wife's facebook page still says she's married. I wonder if the fiancee knows this? Because he lied to me about it, so he could have easily lied to her too.
And then I have to figure out how to confront him about this. This morning, I just responded to his first text with an "I'm totally swamped today, no time for texts." I'm not sure what to even say to him.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Post by Mrs.Rad888 on Jul 22, 2014 10:33:48 GMT -5
I'm ASSuming that there were pictures taken of the two of you while camping, etc. I'd be tempted to post the pictures to Facebook, tagging him, the FI, and the STBXW. (devil)
Post by riverpestie on Jul 22, 2014 10:59:16 GMT -5
I am not trying to be snarky, I would just like some clarification...For those of you who said that you think she should tell her since she isn't married, yet, why would it make a difference if she is married to him or not married to him? If you were her, wouldn't you want to to know either way?
The reason I am asking is because, I was put in a relatively similar situation (I wrote about it in my FFFC post last week), but it was only with exchanges of text messages. I am friends with both of them and I have known them since 1999, they have been married for almost 10 years. I am struggling with the situation. He begged me not to tell anyone about the text messages he sent me. I told my FI (I let him read the entire exchange) and I thought about telling her, too. But I am torn and not sure what to do about it. I am worried I am going to lose dear friend(s). I didn't say anything inappropriate, however, I did let the conversation go on longer than I should...
From the text messages he sent, I am pretty sure he is trying to get other women to sleep with him, and he is the LAST person I ever thought would do it, but he just told me he is a "guy being a guy."
ETA: He also mentioned how he wanted to please me, that I am his unicorn, and he planned on calling me when he is in the Austin area next time... I later sent him a text saying that FI knows and it isn't a good idea for him to text those things to me anymore.
I'm ASSuming that there were pictures taken of the two of you while camping, etc. I'd be tempted to post the pictures to Facebook, tagging him, the FI, and the STBXW. (devil)
Can you tag someone you're not friends with? I didn't think you could.
Plus, I don't want/need this to be a public spectacle.
I am not trying to be snarky, I would just like some clarification...For those of you who said that you think she should tell her since she isn't married, yet, why would it make a difference if she is married to him or not married to him? If you were her, wouldn't you want to to know either way?
The reason I am asking is because, I was put in a relatively similar situation (I wrote about it in my FFFC post last week), but it was only with exchanges of text messages. I am friends with both of them and I have known them since 1999, they have been married for almost 10 years. I am struggling with the situation. He begged me not to tell anyone about the text messages he sent me. I told my FI (I let him read the entire exchange) and I thought about telling her, too. But I am torn and not sure what to do about it. I am worried I am going to lose dear friend(s). I didn't say anything inappropriate, however, I did let the conversation go on longer than I should...
From the text messages he sent, I am pretty sure he is trying to get other women to sleep with him, and he is the LAST person I ever thought would do it, but he just told me he is a "guy being a guy."
ETA: He also mentioned how he wanted to please me, that I am his unicorn, and he planned on calling me when he is in the Austin area next time... I later sent him a text saying that FI knows and it isn't a good idea for him to text those things to me anymore.
They're trying to save her money on both the wedding and divorce, I guess.
I am not trying to be snarky, I would just like some clarification...For those of you who said that you think she should tell her since she isn't married, yet, why would it make a difference if she is married to him or not married to him? If you were her, wouldn't you want to to know either way?
For me it's different because if someone is married, they've made a commitment that's different than an engagement. If I was engaged to someone who was cheating, you better bet I would call off the wedding. I would want to save myself from future heartache (I'm one of those people who believes pretty firmly in the 'once a cheater, always a cheater" adage). Not that it's easy to walk away from an engagement either, but easier to deal with than breaking up a marriage.
I am not trying to be snarky, I would just like some clarification...For those of you who said that you think she should tell her since she isn't married, yet, why would it make a difference if she is married to him or not married to him? If you were her, wouldn't you want to to know either way?
For me it's different because if someone is married, they've made a commitment that's different than an engagement. If I was engaged to someone who was cheating, you better bet I would call off the wedding. I would want to save myself from future heartache (I'm one of those people who believes pretty firmly in the 'once a cheater, always a cheater" adage). Not that it's easy to walk away from an engagement either, but easier to deal with than breaking up a marriage.
What? It's the same exact relationship before and after a party, before and after a pair of rings. This makes no sense.
I am not trying to be snarky, I would just like some clarification...For those of you who said that you think she should tell her since she isn't married, yet, why would it make a difference if she is married to him or not married to him? If you were her, wouldn't you want to to know either way?
The reason I am asking is because, I was put in a relatively similar situation (I wrote about it in my FFFC post last week), but it was only with exchanges of text messages. I am friends with both of them and I have known them since 1999, they have been married for almost 10 years. I am struggling with the situation. He begged me not to tell anyone about the text messages he sent me. I told my FI (I let him read the entire exchange) and I thought about telling her, too. But I am torn and not sure what to do about it. I am worried I am going to lose dear friend(s). I didn't say anything inappropriate, however, I did let the conversation go on longer than I should...
From the text messages he sent, I am pretty sure he is trying to get other women to sleep with him, and he is the LAST person I ever thought would do it, but he just told me he is a "guy being a guy."
ETA: He also mentioned how he wanted to please me, that I am his unicorn, and he planned on calling me when he is in the Austin area next time... I later sent him a text saying that FI knows and it isn't a good idea for him to text those things to me anymore.
To me there is no difference if the person was married or not - I would want to tell either way. Yes, the married person is more committed to the cheater, but they should still get the right to decide if they want to stay or go. I say this as someone who wishes that someone had told me STBXH was cheating - I would rather have heard it from anyone than be in the dark.
I think you situation is more complicated though since these are friends, not strangers. Will you be able to stay as good of friends with them after this knowing what you know about the husband? If I thought I would still be friends with them then I probably would lean towards not telling. I know this goes against what I said in the first paragraph but I can admit I would keep quiet for purely selfish reason - not wanting to lose the friendship.
For me it's different because if someone is married, they've made a commitment that's different than an engagement. If I was engaged to someone who was cheating, you better bet I would call off the wedding. I would want to save myself from future heartache (I'm one of those people who believes pretty firmly in the 'once a cheater, always a cheater" adage). Not that it's easy to walk away from an engagement either, but easier to deal with than breaking up a marriage.
What? It's the same exact relationship before and after a party, before and after a pair of rings. This makes no sense.
Totally agree. Just because you married someone doesn't mean you shouldn't have the option to walk away if you realize they are a shitty human being.
I am not trying to be snarky, I would just like some clarification...For those of you who said that you think she should tell her since she isn't married, yet, why would it make a difference if she is married to him or not married to him? If you were her, wouldn't you want to to know either way?
The reason I am asking is because, I was put in a relatively similar situation (I wrote about it in my FFFC post last week), but it was only with exchanges of text messages. I am friends with both of them and I have known them since 1999, they have been married for almost 10 years. I am struggling with the situation. He begged me not to tell anyone about the text messages he sent me. I told my FI (I let him read the entire exchange) and I thought about telling her, too. But I am torn and not sure what to do about it. I am worried I am going to lose dear friend(s). I didn't say anything inappropriate, however, I did let the conversation go on longer than I should...
From the text messages he sent, I am pretty sure he is trying to get other women to sleep with him, and he is the LAST person I ever thought would do it, but he just told me he is a "guy being a guy."
ETA: He also mentioned how he wanted to please me, that I am his unicorn, and he planned on calling me when he is in the Austin area next time... I later sent him a text saying that FI knows and it isn't a good idea for him to text those things to me anymore.
I would tell either way married or engaged - but I think the urgency is higher when engaged and the burden of proof is a bit lower.
In your case I struggle a bit...partly because you are friends and also because it sounds like he could rationalize/explain away the texts. Rationally you are likely to lose the friendship if she finds out you knew, so that alone wouldn't be enough to prevent me from telling her. But if the texts aren't a smoking gun, and he can claim he was drunk, joking or blame you in any way for "leading" him on...then I wouldn't tell her.
I am not trying to be snarky, I would just like some clarification...For those of you who said that you think she should tell her since she isn't married, yet, why would it make a difference if she is married to him or not married to him? If you were her, wouldn't you want to to know either way?
The reason I am asking is because, I was put in a relatively similar situation (I wrote about it in my FFFC post last week), but it was only with exchanges of text messages. I am friends with both of them and I have known them since 1999, they have been married for almost 10 years. I am struggling with the situation. He begged me not to tell anyone about the text messages he sent me. I told my FI (I let him read the entire exchange) and I thought about telling her, too. But I am torn and not sure what to do about it. I am worried I am going to lose dear friend(s). I didn't say anything inappropriate, however, I did let the conversation go on longer than I should...
From the text messages he sent, I am pretty sure he is trying to get other women to sleep with him, and he is the LAST person I ever thought would do it, but he just told me he is a "guy being a guy."
ETA: He also mentioned how he wanted to please me, that I am his unicorn, and he planned on calling me when he is in the Austin area next time... I later sent him a text saying that FI knows and it isn't a good idea for him to text those things to me anymore.
I would tell either way married or engaged - but I think the urgency is higher when engaged and the burden of proof is a bit lower.
In your case I struggle a bit...partly because you are friends and also because it sounds like he could rationalize/explain away the texts. Rationally you are likely to lose the friendship if she finds out you knew, so that alone wouldn't be enough to prevent me from telling her. But if the texts aren't a smoking gun, and he can claim he was drunk, joking or blame you in any way for "leading" him on...then I wouldn't tell her.
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This is exactly what he did... he kept telling me how drunk he was, but that he was also happy that he finally told me how he felt about me. He also begged me not to tell FI because he would want to kill him.
I would tell either way married or engaged - but I think the urgency is higher when engaged and the burden of proof is a bit lower.
In your case I struggle a bit...partly because you are friends and also because it sounds like he could rationalize/explain away the texts. Rationally you are likely to lose the friendship if she finds out you knew, so that alone wouldn't be enough to prevent me from telling her. But if the texts aren't a smoking gun, and he can claim he was drunk, joking or blame you in any way for "leading" him on...then I wouldn't tell her.
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This is exactly what he did... he kept telling me how drunk he was, but that he was also happy that he finally told me how he felt about me. He also begged me not to tell FI because he would want to kill him.
Sorry, I didn't mean to high jack the OP's post.
Just catching up on this. Ugh, what a crap position he put you in.
I would tell either way married or engaged - but I think the urgency is higher when engaged and the burden of proof is a bit lower.
In your case I struggle a bit...partly because you are friends and also because it sounds like he could rationalize/explain away the texts. Rationally you are likely to lose the friendship if she finds out you knew, so that alone wouldn't be enough to prevent me from telling her. But if the texts aren't a smoking gun, and he can claim he was drunk, joking or blame you in any way for "leading" him on...then I wouldn't tell her.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
This is exactly what he did... he kept telling me how drunk he was, but that he was also happy that he finally told me how he felt about me. He also begged me not to tell FI because he would want to kill him.
Sorry, I didn't mean to high jack the OP's post.
I've been in a sort of similar situation. When guy fiend was just dating his now wife he told me flat out he would dump her if he ever had a chance with me. Them he sent me some kind of mean messages when I got engaged which sounded like jealousy, but easy to reason out. He then proposed to said girlfriend like a month later. He sent me semi-inappropriate messages occasionally that I typically ignored. But all of them could be explained away. None were blatant "I want to cheat on my wife with you" messages. I just stopped talking to him altogether. If I told her my suspicions, I would probably come off narcissistic/the bad guy/whatever. If he ever sent me anything I could point to and say "he's a cheater" I would forward it to her.
For me it's different because if someone is married, they've made a commitment that's different than an engagement. If I was engaged to someone who was cheating, you better bet I would call off the wedding. I would want to save myself from future heartache (I'm one of those people who believes pretty firmly in the 'once a cheater, always a cheater" adage). Not that it's easy to walk away from an engagement either, but easier to deal with than breaking up a marriage.
What? It's the same exact relationship before and after a party, before and after a pair of rings. This makes no sense.
Breaking off an engagement- no lawyers involved. Both parties might lose some $$ but there are no legal issues to deal with.
Divorce- Can be drawn out and messy and could potentially cost both parties a decent chunk of cash.
From a legal standpoint walking away from an engagement is way fucking easier than going through the divorce process!
What? It's the same exact relationship before and after a party, before and after a pair of rings. This makes no sense.
Breaking off an engagement- no lawyers involved. Both parties might lose some $$ but there are no legal issues to deal with.
Divorce- Can be drawn out and messy and could potentially cost both parties a decent chunk of cash.
From a legal standpoint walking away from an engagement is way fucking easier than going through the divorce process!
But that doesn't mean you shouldn't tell someone their H is a cheating douche. The Wife/husband should be able to CHOOSE whether the divorce is worth it, not just be kept in the dark. In my opinion, anyway.
Breaking off an engagement- no lawyers involved. Both parties might lose some $$ but there are no legal issues to deal with.
Divorce- Can be drawn out and messy and could potentially cost both parties a decent chunk of cash.
From a legal standpoint walking away from an engagement is way fucking easier than going through the divorce process!
But that doesn't mean you shouldn't tell someone their H is a cheating douche. The Wife/husband should be able to CHOOSE whether the divorce is worth it, not just be kept in the dark. In my opinion, anyway.
100% agree.
Thanks, Jojo. I am going to have to figure out a way to tell my friend. She deserves to know. I will just have to be prepared to lose both of them as friends, which would suck, but in the end I think it is the right thing to do.
Breaking off an engagement- no lawyers involved. Both parties might lose some $$ but there are no legal issues to deal with.
Divorce- Can be drawn out and messy and could potentially cost both parties a decent chunk of cash.
From a legal standpoint walking away from an engagement is way fucking easier than going through the divorce process!
But that doesn't mean you shouldn't tell someone their H is a cheating douche. The Wife/husband should be able to CHOOSE whether the divorce is worth it, not just be kept in the dark. In my opinion, anyway.
I agree. I think for me, my own motives in telling are the most important thing. If I find out someone is cheating on their girlfriend/fiance/wife and I want to tell them purely out of concern for their well being, I think it's the right/kind thing to do. I would absolutely want to know if someone was cheating on me, because at this point that's completely a dealbreaker for me, no exceptions.
I think I've said this before, but my XH cheated on me twice. Both times were with married women. The first time I sent the husband a facebook message, and I fully admit it was mostly out of anger and spite and wanting to hurt the other woman. I didn't know the guy and in theory cared about his well being, but my motives were not pure. I never heard back and I am pretty sure they are still married (they still have the same last name, at least, we have mutual FB friends and occasionally I see her name tagged). The second time I was cheated on, I just let it go as far as the other woman and her marriage. I figured it was not my problem/business and telling him wouldn't bring me anything positive. The ended up splitting up shortly after anyway, as far as I know. And maybe I should have tracked him down and sent a message, but I just felt it was healthier for me not to do something out of spite and just focus on moving myself forward.
Post by wrathofkuus on Jul 23, 2014 9:23:57 GMT -5
I don't see what's so terrible about spite. Everyone likes to think that what goes around comes around, but it doesn't unless SOMEONE brings it back around again. Waiting for "the universe" to do it is just passing the buck onto someone else.
I don't see what's so terrible about spite. Everyone likes to think that what goes around comes around, but it doesn't unless SOMEONE brings it back around again. Waiting for "the universe" to do it is just passing the buck onto someone else.
Not sure if you were commenting on my post since I mentioned spite
I think it's just a matter of being the person I/you want to be. For me I don't feel it's healthy doing things motivated by spite. I'd rather direct my energy toward something positive. For others doing something spiteful might be cathartic. Nothing wrong with either approach if it leads toward feeling good about yourself and your behavior. In my examples in my above post, I look back more proudly on my behavior in the second scenario than in the first (for many reasons beyond just the telling/not telling).