I don't see what's so terrible about spite. Everyone likes to think that what goes around comes around, but it doesn't unless SOMEONE brings it back around again. Waiting for "the universe" to do it is just passing the buck onto someone else.
Meh, I kind of agree. When I found out my STBXH was cheating with his coworker that was also married I told her husband. At the time I would have said I was doing it out of concern for him, but in hindsight I realize it was strictly spite to hurt her.
While I may not have had the best intentions, I still think it was the right thing to do. Her husband had no idea and has told me multiple times that he is happy I told him. They are now also divorcing.
Post by jellymankelly on Jul 23, 2014 10:12:25 GMT -5
I guess I see just fading away and letting it go without telling the other spouse/fiancée as being a doormat. It's like saying, "Hey, you did this shitty thing to me and all these other people, but you just KOKO. No need to suffer any consequences for it." When you're one of the parties in the relationship, MYOB doesn't apply. The person made it your business when they cheated on (or with) you.
(I am not applying this to RP's situation, though. That's more of a gray area, I think.)
I guess I see just fading away and letting it go without telling the other spouse/fiancée as being a doormat. It's like saying, "Hey, you did this shitty thing to me and all these other people, but you just KOKO. No need to suffer any consequences for it." When you're one of the parties in the relationship, MYOB doesn't apply. The person made it your business when they cheated on (or with) you.
(I am not applying this to RP's situation, though. That's more of a gray area, I think.)
I was the one cheated on and my SO's 'fling' did her damnedest to throw it in my face. Funny thing is that I already knew and was trying to figure out how to deal with it before I confronted him. She didn't like the idea that I knew and wasn't doing what she thought I should do (throw his sorry ass to the curb). He made a mistake, admitted it and threw himself on the proverbial sword when we talked about it. Hell, he probably beat himself up way more than I ever could. He's busted his butt to regain my trust. I forgave, but will not forget. He knows this and knows he's used up his one chance.
What do you hope to gain out of this? Helping someone? Honestly, if she knows you are not helping. Take it from one who was there. If she doesn't know, she's not going to believe you (regardless of evidence). If she doesn't know and believes you, he is going to weasel out of it because you could be some woman he spurned and is looking to get revenge.
JMHO
I'm totally curious, and I swear none of this is snark, but it sounds like your anger is directed at her, in this post. Do you really believe he won't do it again? Are you going to walk if he does?
What do you hope to gain out of this? Helping someone? Honestly, if she knows you are not helping. Take it from one who was there. If she doesn't know, she's not going to believe you (regardless of evidence). If she doesn't know and believes you, he is going to weasel out of it because you could be some woman he spurned and is looking to get revenge.
If she knows, then having someone send one Facebook message shouldn't affect anything. She will just read it and continue on like normal. No one is telling the OP to continually harass the fiance about it - just to send one message.
If she doesn't know, you can't assume she won't believe it. At least she will have the facts and then it is up to her to choose what to do with it. If he tries to weasel out of it then again she can choose to believe him or not. The OP will have put the info out there and whatever happens after she won't be concerned with.
Your situation sounds completely different because the other woman was trying to rub your face in it for a reaction. Completely different that what everyone in this post has told the OP to do.
What do you hope to gain out of this? Helping someone? Honestly, if she knows you are not helping. Take it from one who was there. If she doesn't know, she's not going to believe you (regardless of evidence). If she doesn't know and believes you, he is going to weasel out of it because you could be some woman he spurned and is looking to get revenge.
JMHO
I believed the person that told me and luckily I did because my exH now has a life-long STD that he acquired from his OW that I avoided because I believed the person that told me my exH was cheating. I completely cut him off once the news was given to me. That's why I am adamant that people tell...other people's health is at risk when their partner is cheating on them and they are unaware.
I also have had to tell a stranger that her exH was cheating on her. She believed me and we are friends now. Ironically, he was telling her that they should have a baby at the time I came forward with the information. She is now divorced and her exH that cheated on her married his OW 1 month after their divorce was finalized.
Post by alexithymia on Jul 23, 2014 12:22:32 GMT -5
As much as I would want to know, I'm not sure I would tell. I ended up in a similar situation, only she found out before I did, and the nasty and threatening messages were just plain vile. Funny how it was my fault when he was the one who had a committment to her, not me... :/
ETA: Thread fail. I didn't finish reading, and see you've already decided on a course of action.
What do you hope to gain out of this? Helping someone? Honestly, if she knows you are not helping. Take it from one who was there. If she doesn't know, she's not going to believe you (regardless of evidence). If she doesn't know and believes you, he is going to weasel out of it because you could be some woman he spurned and is looking to get revenge.
JMHO
I believed the person that told me and luckily I did because my exH now has a life-long STD that he acquired from his OW that I avoided because I believed the person that told me my exH was cheating. I completely cut him off once the news was given to me. That's why I am adamant that people tell...other people's health is at risk when their partner is cheating on them and they are unaware.
I also have had to tell a stranger that her exH was cheating on her. She believed me and we are friends now. Ironically, he was telling her that they should have a baby at the time I came forward with the information. She is now divorced and her exH that cheated on her married his OW 1 month after their divorce was finalized.
Yep, definitely sounds like it was all her fault. ^o)
If this happened in 2011 and you are still with this man, rethinking isn't going to do you any good but I really think your anger is misplaced. Was what she did above board? No. I'd say it meanders into "crazy cakes" territory but you SO is still the one in control of what he does ultimately.
Anywho, this situation really cannot be compared to that of the OP. I still say tell.
Post by wrathofkuus on Jul 23, 2014 13:47:05 GMT -5
mich1, sounds like your SO sold you one helluva bill of goods. The evil seductress seduced innocent little old him, then rubbed it in your face, and you two are just victims of her evil whorey evilness? You must know deep down that this is utter horseshit, and that your ire is 100% misplaced.
Post by wrathofkuus on Jul 23, 2014 13:50:06 GMT -5
And she got him drunk, too. Not "he was drinking" - she magically made him drunk, too, without his poor, innocent self having anything to do with it except being "stupid." No wonder she found your reaction to be infuriating, mich1.
mich1, sounds like your SO sold you one helluva bill of goods. The evil seductress seduced innocent little old him, then rubbed it in your face, and you two are just victims of her evil whorey evilness? You must know deep down that this is utter horseshit, and that your ire is 100% misplaced.
I was speechless, so I'm glad you were able to say exactly what I was thinking in my head.
And she got him drunk, too. Not "he was drinking" - she magically made him drunk, too, without his poor, innocent self having anything to do with it except being "stupid." No wonder she found your reaction to be infuriating, mich1.
LIFE just happened to him. I mean, he had no control, amirite?
Post by twinkletoes76 on Jul 23, 2014 14:50:12 GMT -5
I'm going to go ahead and say that my situation is not exactly like Mich1's.
I have no intention of repeatedly harassing his fiancee. I was just going to send one message and then disappear. Just as I plan to confront him, tell him what I know and that I will not see him again, then disappear. I have no desire to stay involved with either of them beyond that point. I don't care if she believes me, I don't care if she stays with him or not. That's her choice. But I do feel like she deserves to know what she's getting into. If they stay together and get married ... I hope it works out, but it's not my place to be involved. Nor do I want to be. I never want to see or hear from either of them.
I don't know if she already knows anything about his cheating with me (or anyone else that he may have cheated with). Maybe she has an inkling, maybe not. Maybe I'm the first, maybe he's cheated before. I don't know. But if she doesn't know anything, she should. For her own health.
Also, I think it's hilarious that Mich1's SO couldn't possibly be to blame for his cheating because he's a nerd. Because nerdiness and infidelity are mutually exclusive. Whatever. He cheated. He knowingly got involved with another woman. If he was able to convince Mich that he is blameless due to his naive nature, then he's pretty good at manipulation. I think it's ridiculous that Mich bought into her SO's explanation as much as I think it's ridiculous that the OW repeatedly harassed them. That whole situation is messed up ... just in a different way than my messed up situation.
mich1, sounds like your SO sold you one helluva bill of goods. The evil seductress seduced innocent little old him, then rubbed it in your face, and you two are just victims of her evil whorey evilness? You must know deep down that this is utter horseshit, and that your ire is 100% misplaced.
Based on her explanation of how he "accidentally" slept with her because he was "tricked," I'm guessing that her story of the "harassment" may not be completely accurate.
I'm going to go ahead and say that my situation is not exactly like Mich1's.
I have no intention of repeatedly harassing his fiancee. I was just going to send one message and then disappear. Just as I plan to confront him, tell him what I know and that I will not see him again, then disappear. I have no desire to stay involved with either of them beyond that point. I don't care if she believes me, I don't care if she stays with him or not. That's her choice. But I do feel like she deserves to know what she's getting into. If they stay together and get married ... I hope it works out, but it's not my place to be involved. Nor do I want to be. I never want to see or hear from either of them.
I don't know if she already knows anything about his cheating with me (or anyone else that he may have cheated with). Maybe she has an inkling, maybe not. Maybe I'm the first, maybe he's cheated before. I don't know. But if she doesn't know anything, she should. For her own health.
Also, I think it's hilarious that Mich1's SO couldn't possibly be to blame for his cheating because he's a nerd. Because nerdiness and infidelity are mutually exclusive. Whatever. He cheated. He knowingly got involved with another woman. If he was able to convince Mich that he is blameless due to his naive nature, then he's pretty good at manipulation. I think it's ridiculous that Mich bought into her SO's explanation as much as I think it's ridiculous that the OW repeatedly harassed them. That whole situation is messed up ... just in a different way than my messed up situation.
It's not even like comparing apples to oranges. It's like apples to hand grenades. Or dinosaur poop.
I'm going to go ahead and say that my situation is not exactly like Mich1's.
I have no intention of repeatedly harassing his fiancee. I was just going to send one message and then disappear. Just as I plan to confront him, tell him what I know and that I will not see him again, then disappear. I have no desire to stay involved with either of them beyond that point. I don't care if she believes me, I don't care if she stays with him or not. That's her choice. But I do feel like she deserves to know what she's getting into. If they stay together and get married ... I hope it works out, but it's not my place to be involved. Nor do I want to be. I never want to see or hear from either of them.
I don't know if she already knows anything about his cheating with me (or anyone else that he may have cheated with). Maybe she has an inkling, maybe not. Maybe I'm the first, maybe he's cheated before. I don't know. But if she doesn't know anything, she should. For her own health.
Also, I think it's hilarious that Mich1's SO couldn't possibly be to blame for his cheating because he's a nerd. Because nerdiness and infidelity are mutually exclusive. Whatever. He cheated. He knowingly got involved with another woman. If he was able to convince Mich that he is blameless due to his naive nature, then he's pretty good at manipulation. I think it's ridiculous that Mich bought into her SO's explanation as much as I think it's ridiculous that the OW repeatedly harassed them. That whole situation is messed up ... just in a different way than my messed up situation.
It's not even like comparing apples to oranges. It's like apples to hand grenades. Or dinosaur poop.
Dinosaur poop. This totally made me LOL. I needed that. Thanks. :-)
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
I'm not lying. I'm disappointed that people mocked me here. I expected a bit more class here though. I told my story to tell what the other person thinks and it was essentially thrown back in my face.
My SO was guilty of being stupid. He was guilty of thinking with his dick and not his head. He was guilty in overindulging (which is something he very rarely does). He was guilty of betraying me. I've forgiven him for his stupidity and what he did to put me at risk. And quite frankly, I really don't care what happens with the other woman. She admitted flat out to me that she was on a campaign to get him into bed, and she used every trick in the book. She thought that once that she had gotten him into bed, that I'd dump him when I found out...because she couldn't wait to call and tell me. It pissed her off to no end that I didn't act for a long time, and when I did it wasn't the way she expected.
Most of the time my SO misses social cues that slaps others in the face. He can't believe another person finds him attractive, as he does not have much self esteem. So when things happen, he's usually clueless until he's found himself in the middle of a situation. I've observed this myself.
But that doesn't ameliorate the fact he screwed up. And it doesn't ameliorate the fact that despite posting some fairly personal things, people here trampled on my feelings and mocked me. If I had the ability, I'd go back in and delete those posts where people quoted me, as I really regret being so honest here.
So my question, and again I swear it's not meant to be snarky, but if he's socially inept, how can you be sure he won't end up in the same situation again since he's unable to recognize danger zones?
I mean, it's really easy for those of us who have been through it and learned better to judge staying with someone after they cheat. I rolled my eyes at the post too. BUT, it's not that easy when you're the one in the situation, and it's kind of unfair - or at least unhelpful - to be so snarky about it. Some people were really rude to me when I stayed with my XH after he cheated. In the long run it was the wrong choice, but it was a choice I had to make for myself and it was what was right for me at the time. I came around in my own time and on my own accord. People making me feel stupid on a message board just made me feel more defensive and less likely to listen to their advice. It's shitty to be cheated on, let's not make it shittier by treating the person in the situation poorly too.