Woman Confronts Catcalls With 'Cards Against Harassment'

[summer]

People

28-year-old Minneapolis resident "Lindsey" (who goes by only a first name to keep her anonymity) has been confronting catcallers with anti-harassment cards and secretly recording their reactions.



The pocket-sized cards are part of Lindsey's project – Cards Against Harassment – whereby women can distribute messages to street harassers and confront them without talking. The idea formed after an incident several weeks ago when Lindsey was standing on an escalator and a stranger began touching her hair and calling her "blondie," according to Buzzfeed. When she told the man he "could just say 'hi' next time," he began screaming at her and calling her ugly.



Since then, Lindsey estimates she has handed out about 25 to 30 cards.



In one of Lindsey's encounters, a man exclaims, "Minnesota chicks are hot" – and when she confronts him, he says he's surprised that she is offended.


"The irony is not lost on me, that a man who gave me unwanted attention is now upset he may get unwanted attention," Lindsey says of the fellow in the "Minnesota Chicks are Hot" video who has since contacted her.



In another incident, Lindsey hands a man one of her anti-street harassment cards to which he surprisingly invites her to his house and adds, "Women are put on this earth to satisfy men, so if she feels offended she should have never been born."




Another man tells Lindsey she looks like a model, but once she tries to hand him a card he simply refuses to take it and says, "I just gave a compliment."



"The theme I hear the most often is that they truly, genuinely think it's a compliment, and they are shocked, " she says. "If that is true, then simply telling people it's not a compliment may go a long way."



To download the anti-harassment cards below, visit the Cards Against Harassment website.

[Deleted]

I am pretty sure this is a futile effort on her part, but if it makes her feel better, that's cool.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

Is it harassment if someone compliments you and you don't know this person? I get annoyed by catcalls just like everyone else, but if someone I don't know says something nice, I'm not slapping them with a card and acting like I'm being harassed. I think that's a little bit over the top.

[irishbride2]

Jul 22, 2014 7:31:22 GMT -5 lyssbobiss, Command, B613 said:

Is it harassment if someone compliments you and you don't know this person? I get annoyed by catcalls just like everyone else, but if someone I don't know says something nice, I'm not slapping them with a card and acting like I'm being harassed. I think that's a little bit over the top.

You know its interesting. H and I have a good friend who is dealing with it. He and H have lunch almost daily. Almost every single day someone tells this guy he should be a model. Is it a compliment? Sure. But it gets old really fast. I wouldn't call it harassment, although sometimes it does devolve into that. It depends on how it is said, IMO. I was out with them in a situation where it got really uncomfortable because the female waitress would not let it go. 

But really, I think people should just refrain from commenting on the looks of others unless you know the person and you know it will be a compliment. Like, I would say to a friend "I love your new hair cut! It looks great." But its weird to stop a random stranger and say "Wow! I love your hair!" is it harassment? Generally not (at least I don't think) but its strange at least to me. 

[Deleted]

Jul 22, 2014 7:31:22 GMT -5 lyssbobiss, Command, B613 said:

Is it harassment if someone compliments you and you don't know this person? I get annoyed by catcalls just like everyone else, but if someone I don't know says something nice, I'm not slapping them with a card and acting like I'm being harassed. I think that's a little bit over the top.

At the very least, it is a bit uncomfortable to be walking down the street and to have a stranger who is just walking by say "You're beautiful" (even more uncomfortable when they call you sexy).  Perhaps those are compliments, but they're weird.

But no, I wouldn't be slapping cards at them.  Nor would I be presumptuous enough to carry cards with me at all times just in case.

[IIOY]

Jul 22, 2014 7:31:22 GMT -5 lyssbobiss, Command, B613 said:

Is it harassment if someone compliments you and you don't know this person? I get annoyed by catcalls just like everyone else, but if someone I don't know says something nice, I'm not slapping them with a card and acting like I'm being harassed. I think that's a little bit over the top.

I am inclined to agree, but I also think the best way to deal with harassers from a personal safety standpoint is to ignore them because they want the attention. I think this is very much a YMMV situation. I've been in situations where I've called out the harasser but it's not always the smartest reaction, nor is it always necessary.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

Unless someone says something grossly offensive, like "I want to wear your vagina as a hat," I'm not going to acknowledge someone's unwanted attention. If all a dude wants is a rise out of me, I think giving a pre-printed card is basically feeding into that.

[cattledogkisses]

For me, the difference between a compliment and harassment is the way it leaves me feeling. If I feel good afterwards it was a compliment. If I feel uncomfortable it wasn't.

I've had strangers (genuinely) compliment me, so I'm not going to say that all comments are harassment or unwelcome. It's sort of one of those "I know it when I see it" things.

[pixy0stix]

Does she flip through her cards to find the right one?

Good for her, but it's a tad... off.

[aurora]

The "you're not a child" card would have worked just fine for the man touching her hair - that absolutely merits a response.

I guess I would be fine with the occasional stranger saying something like "I love your shoes - where did you get them?" - that kind of compliment is not at all creepy. But, I do think commenting on a complete stranger's looks is a little creepy from either gender. How can it be anything besides objectifying?

[Deleted]

Jul 22, 2014 7:31:22 GMT -5 lyssbobiss, Command, B613 said:

Is it harassment if someone compliments you and you don't know this person? I get annoyed by catcalls just like everyone else, but if someone I don't know says something nice, I'm not slapping them with a card and acting like I'm being harassed. I think that's a little bit over the top.

 I agree and I think you lose your point if you take every comment made in your general direction to be harassment. I don't think she owes anyone who speaks to her a reply but I do think that if something is said that isn't offensive, over the line, or gross, then keep it moving.

I'd love to be all well, don't comment on appearance if you don't know them but shit, my day has been brightened considerably by someone I don't know and therefore has no vested interested in my mood stopping and saying they like my hair or my blush (makeup thread, HOLLA!).

[Deleted]

Jul 22, 2014 9:31:43 GMT -5 aurora said:

The "you're not a child" card would have worked just fine for the man touching her hair - that absolutely merits a response.

I guess I would be fine with the occasional stranger saying something like "I love your shoes - where did you get them?" - that kind of compliment is not at all creepy. But, I do think commenting on a complete stranger's looks is a little creepy from either gender. How can it be anything besides objectifying?

Dude, how do people date then? Are we so deep in online dating now that it's out of the ordinary for someone to strike up conversation based on the information that's available to them? Or are we now limited to remarking on only the most mundane? Or are we not supposed to say anything until we come across their profile on match.com?

[pixy0stix]

Welllllllllll... I tend to tell people I like something like their hair or makeup or jewelry. I try not to be creepy about it.

[pixy0stix]

Or shoes. If people have a kick-ass pair of shoes I'll say something, because SHOES.

[ringstrue]

Jul 22, 2014 7:31:22 GMT -5 lyssbobiss, Command, B613 said:

Is it harassment if someone compliments you and you don't know this person? I get annoyed by catcalls just like everyone else, but if someone I don't know says something nice, I'm not slapping them with a card and acting like I'm being harassed. I think that's a little bit over the top.

It depends on what you mean by compliment. "Nice ass" is a compliment, but I wouldn't necessarily say that is an appropriate thing to say to a stranger, ever.  Not that I'm defending the cards. 

I mostly just feel bad for her that people make her feel the need to go to these extremes. 

[blink]

Jul 22, 2014 9:34:45 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

Jul 22, 2014 9:31:43 GMT -5 aurora said:

The "you're not a child" card would have worked just fine for the man touching her hair - that absolutely merits a response.

I guess I would be fine with the occasional stranger saying something like "I love your shoes - where did you get them?" - that kind of compliment is not at all creepy. But, I do think commenting on a complete stranger's looks is a little creepy from either gender. How can it be anything besides objectifying?

Dude, how do people date then? Are we so deep in online dating now that it's out of the ordinary for someone to strike up conversation based on the information that's available to them? Or are we now limited to remarking on only the most mundane? Or are we not supposed to say anything until we come across their profile on match.com?

Isn't it a time and place thing? At a bar it's kind of expected. But if you are sweaty and running on the treadmill, do you really want someone commenting on how much they want to have sex with you?  Or the stereotype of construction workers and cat-calling. In that sense, it goes back to a safety thing imo. Being whistled or "complimented" by a group of guys is threatening. I don't know them. I don't know what their intentions are or what they are capable of. Again this isn't a blanket statement to say that all compliments are bad.

[pixy0stix]

omg, don't bring up talking to people on treadmills.

[meshaliuknits]

Jul 22, 2014 9:36:01 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

Or shoes. If people have a kick-ass pair of shoes I'll say something, because SHOES.

You should come to my house, I just got a new pair!


Generally, the only non creepy, seemingly sincere compliments I get from random folks are on my (completely awesome) hair. At least until folks get handsy.

Honestly, if I'm I'm out in the world just trying to get from point A to point B, if I don't know you I don't wanna talk to you.

[aurora]

Jul 22, 2014 9:34:45 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

Jul 22, 2014 9:31:43 GMT -5 aurora said:

The "you're not a child" card would have worked just fine for the man touching her hair - that absolutely merits a response.

I guess I would be fine with the occasional stranger saying something like "I love your shoes - where did you get them?" - that kind of compliment is not at all creepy. But, I do think commenting on a complete stranger's looks is a little creepy from either gender. How can it be anything besides objectifying?

Dude, how do people date then? Are we so deep in online dating now that it's out of the ordinary for someone to strike up conversation based on the information that's available to them? Or are we now limited to remarking on only the most mundane? Or are we not supposed to say anything until we come across their profile on match.com?

I haven't dated in a long time (been with H for 14 years now), but back in the day it seemed like people had more success with "Hi, I'm Joe.  I've seen you running this trail a lot lately; are you training for x race?" rather than "You look great in those running shorts!"

Maybe I am old and out of the loop, though.

[Deleted]

Jul 22, 2014 9:43:50 GMT -5 blink said:

[Isn't it a time and place thing? At a bar it's kind of expected. But if you are sweaty and running on the treadmill, do you really want someone commenting on how much they want to have sex with you?  Or the stereotype of construction workers and cat-calling. In that sense, it goes back to a safety thing imo. Being whistled or "complimented" by a group of guys is threatening. I don't know them. I don't know what their intentions are or what they are capable of. Again this isn't a blanket statement to say that all compliments are bad.

The problem is assuming every compliment, even the most benign is some kind of invitation to have sex. In all honestly, I would much rather have a mild, inoffensive compliment at the gym (though not while I'm on the elliptical) than a bar.

And I think we have already established time and time again and based on my earlier comments in this thread, that at this point, we aren't talking about being catcalled. We are talking about compliments.

Being catcalled is never acceptable. We also aren't taking about a group of guys or being whistled at.

[pixy0stix]

Jul 22, 2014 9:44:36 GMT -5 meshaliuknits said:

Jul 22, 2014 9:36:01 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

Or shoes. If people have a kick-ass pair of shoes I'll say something, because SHOES.

You should come to my house, I just got a new pair!

Which ones?!

[IIOY]

Jul 22, 2014 9:35:21 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

Welllllllllll... I tend to tell people I like something like their hair or makeup or jewelry. I try not to be creepy about it.

I actually try to find a reason to compliment people near me because people like being complimented.

[Deleted]

Jul 22, 2014 9:47:37 GMT -5 aurora said:

Jul 22, 2014 9:34:45 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

Dude, how do people date then? Are we so deep in online dating now that it's out of the ordinary for someone to strike up conversation based on the information that's available to them? Or are we now limited to remarking on only the most mundane? Or are we not supposed to say anything until we come across their profile on match.com?

I haven't dated in a long time (been with H for 14 years now), but back in the day it seemed like people had more success with "Hi, I'm Joe.  I've seen you running this trail a lot lately; are you training for x race?" rather than "You look great in those running shorts!"

Maybe I am old and out of the loop, though.

You look great in those running shorts is skeevy.

I mean seriously, I'm not going to have this conversation if we aren't going to come to it realistically. I'm not talking about creepy ass comments that are leveled directly at one's sexuality. 

[meshaliuknits]

Jul 22, 2014 9:48:36 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

Jul 22, 2014 9:44:36 GMT -5 meshaliuknits said:

You should come to my house, I just got a new pair!

Which ones?!

(I'm only a little sorry for being off topic)

[Deleted]

Jul 22, 2014 9:48:49 GMT -5 IIOY said:

Jul 22, 2014 9:35:21 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

Welllllllllll... I tend to tell people I like something like their hair or makeup or jewelry. I try not to be creepy about it.

I actually try to find a reason to compliment people near me because people like being complimented.

A few months ago, I realized that my internal dialogue is actually pretty fucking shitty. So I decided I would make a conscious effort when I look at someone to find something worthy of compliment in my own head. Sometimes I say it out loud. But usually only if I know them. I know if feels awesome when someone says they like my shoes so if I notice something like that about someone, I usually try to voice it.

[pixy0stix]

I have shoe envy now.

[josieposy]

The only thing I have trouble with is the frequency that she is claiming. People here simply do not talk to strangers in my experience. At least not as often as she claims. The local paper even talked about this awhile back about how hard it is to be a MN transplant because native Minnesotans tend to stick together and outsiders have a hard time breaking those barriers. Strangers barely acknowledge one another here. Three years working downtown and I rarely saw anyone get acknowledged, let alone complimented.

That being said, I want to do right by my fellow woman and give her the benefit of the doubt.

[Deleted]

Jul 22, 2014 9:55:06 GMT -5 josieposy said:

The only thing I have trouble with is the frequency that she is claiming. People here simply do not talk to strangers in my experience. At least not as often as she claims. The local paper even talked about this awhile back about how hard it is to be a MN transplant because native Minnesotans tend to stick together and outsiders have a hard time breaking those barriers. Strangers barely acknowledge one another here. Three years working downtown and I rarely saw anyone get acknowledged, let alone complimented.

That being said, I want to do right by my fellow woman and give her the benefit of the doubt.

Well considering she seems to be coming from the perspective that any comments in her direction from someone she doesn't know constitutes harassment, it's not so hard to believe.

[IIOY]

Jul 22, 2014 9:52:34 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

Jul 22, 2014 9:48:49 GMT -5 IIOY said:

I actually try to find a reason to compliment people near me because people like being complimented.

A few months ago, I realized that my internal dialogue is actually pretty fucking shitty. So I decided I would make a conscious effort when I look at someone to find something worthy of compliment in my own head. Sometimes I say it out loud.

Yes! This is why I do it! I didn't like how often my mind navigated to the negative, so I made a conscious effort to focus on the positive. At the risk of being Pollyanna, it really does make me a happier person, definitely in the moment, and probably a little bit more overall.

[blink]

Jul 22, 2014 9:47:47 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

Jul 22, 2014 9:43:50 GMT -5 blink said:

[Isn't it a time and place thing? At a bar it's kind of expected. But if you are sweaty and running on the treadmill, do you really want someone commenting on how much they want to have sex with you?  Or the stereotype of construction workers and cat-calling. In that sense, it goes back to a safety thing imo. Being whistled or "complimented" by a group of guys is threatening. I don't know them. I don't know what their intentions are or what they are capable of. Again this isn't a blanket statement to say that all compliments are bad.

The problem is assuming every compliment, even the most benign is some kind of invitation to have sex. In all honestly, I would much rather have a mild, inoffensive compliment at the gym (though not while I'm on the elliptical) than a bar.

And I think we have already established time and time again and based on my earlier comments in this thread, that at this point, we aren't talking about being catcalled. We are talking about compliments.

Being catcalled is never acceptable. We also aren't taking about a group of guys or being whistled at.

Yeah, terrible examples on my part. Sorry.

I think - and I hope I explain this right - is that to the guys she recorded there is no different between "Your shoes are nice" and "Hey - hey, are they have a modeling contest going on? I mean your legs and everything." It's the fact that while she did call him out on his cheesy pick up line that he got defensive because she didn't want his compliment. He can give it, but he shouldn't get hurt if she doesn't appreciate it. To me that is kind of the difference.