Can we talk about something serious?

[Deleted]

This may be a trigger/warning for some people.


I recently attended a meeting and heard a child psychologist speak about preventing child sexual abuse. I was so glad I went and it was really insightful on how most of these cases arise and what we can do as parents to help prevent this from happening to our children.

This is one part of parenting I have always panicked about, because abuse happens when we aren't around - and we all know we cannot be around our children 24-7.

I feel much more empowered now. I had already read the book with DS that Jermys suggested - and I love it. It stays in rotation and sometimes DS even picks it out himself to read. It is great for us because the family in the book is identical to our family (one brother and one sister) and he really likes that he gets to say "no" and talk about what he is comfortable with.


I have other things I do as well and it is an open conversation in our house (privacy, how our bodies belong to us and we get to say what is appropriate etc).


I thought we could maybe discuss what we are doing in our houses with our children - to teach them and protect them.

[Yankees21]

My DS is obviously tiny, but do you remember what the book is called?

[Deleted]

I have not started the discussion yet.

What is this book you speak of?

[Booze Raccoon]

So far we've only had the discussion about appropriate touching. I was happy that it was reinforced by our Pedi who mentioned it as she was pulling DD's pants down to examine her pelvic area. She's still so young and never out of my sight.

I look forward to reading this thread to get some more ideas.

[Deleted]

One of the things that stuck out the most to me from the speaker I listened to was that our children should ALWAYS feel like they can come to us nd share information without fear of punishment. She said that we may assume that our kids know that this is the case but we need to express this to them.


For example, I talked to DS a few days ago about how if anyone ever tells him that if he told me something he would get in trouble - that isn't true. That DS can come and tell me anything and I would not be mad at him. That he should not keep secrets from me and that anyone who told him he should is not someone to trust/is bad.

I said this as we were driving and didn't make it alarming or anything - I will just continue to let him know that I am always here for him.



I also do not allow sleepovers (LOL) with anyone but my mom and in laws. I am pretty strict on what he is and is not allowed to do - but I think being very UN-BREEZY and overprotective is OK - especially when he is only 5 years old. I care not if I am judged.

[Deleted]

Let me find the book - it is really great and reads non-confrontational...

[Deleted]

www.amazon.com/NO-Trespassing-This-Is-Body/dp/0984747206/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1406035937&sr=8-1&keywords=no+trespassing+book

[Deleted]

Oh. I even told DS that the doctor can only look at his privates if I am in the room - I think the book says this too??


Anyway - I didn't want him to think that just because someone says they are a doctor he had to allow access to his privates.

[snipsnsnails]

We start when they're small, so even Charlie, since she was a few months old (she's 18 months now), anytime we've changed diapers, we call her private area by the anatomically correct names and tell her that it is her private area and she decides who touches her.

Now that V is older (he's 3), we talk to him about his body, again calling it the correct names, and how it is private and he is the boss of his body. If anyone tries to touch him and he doesn't like it, he can say/shout No, I don't like it, and tell us. I even have him repeat it back to me sometimes.

We've talked before about adults not forcing intimacy (hugging/kissing) and the adults in his circle right now, give high fives as a firm of encouragement.

[Deleted]

Oh frkls poor little guy.

My DS was wearing his bathing suit at school yesterday and when he and another buy were climbing the buy grabbed DS and his pants cams halfway down exposing some of his butt. He immediately went to the teacher and the teacher took both accounts from each kid (they matched) and then spoke to me about it when I arrived. DS told me all about it and was fine. But I was SO HAPPY he took it seriously, told the teacher, didn't brush it off and told me.


We have also had an older girl want to play house and get a little too touch feely with DS. Kissing. Ugh!

It is scary. It can happen when we are right there.


I also use the correct terms for private parts - the speaker stressed that so so much.

[Deleted]

Jul 22, 2014 8:40:59 GMT -5 frkls said:

also, i know this isn't generally how it happens, but i am a MESS about the public restroom situation. we are driving to CT again next week and i KNOW he is nearly 8 and too old to go in the women's restroom with me and he really wants to be "big" and go to the men's restroom. every time i steer him into the women's restroom in a gas station or truck stop, i feel stellas rolling her eyes. the thought of somebody grabbing him in the mens room with me standing outside just makes me ill.

Me too.


I care not what I am judged about. If it is a single bathroom I let DS go into it and I stand outside the door. If it is multiple stalls - NOPE.

[speckledfrog]

I read something recently that said we should tell our kids that they can tell us something and it will still be a secret. MH thought it didn't make complete sense, because he's coming at it with adult logic, but I liked that idea.

[Deleted]

Jul 22, 2014 8:43:15 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

I read something recently that said we should tell our kids that they can tell us something and it will still be a secret. MH thought it didn't make complete sense, because he's coming at it with adult logic, but I liked that idea.

Oh this is a fantastic idea.

[Deleted]

Jul 22, 2014 8:42:46 GMT -5 ribollita said:

I also purchased the book and think it's great. Thanks to the MLer who recommended it.

Jermys

[ginandjucie24]

My child is still young, but we don't force him to hug and kiss our family/friends if he doesn't want to.

I am going to get that book and start reading it with him. Thanks for sharing.

[ginandjucie24]

Jul 22, 2014 8:41:01 GMT -5 @lazerus24 said:

I also use the correct terms for private parts - the speaker stressed that so so much.

We use the proper terms for private parts, starting from day one. Did the speaker say why it is so important to do so?

[ginap]

We don't keep secrets in our house - we use the word suprise. We have told all of the grandparents as well so they know not to refer to things as secrets. I want her to know that if someone, adults in particular, tell her that something is a secret that she should come to us.
It's so hard but I want to start early do she is hopefully never in the situation I was.

[Deleted]

Because of my past this is a huge thing with me. We talk to our kids about their personal space and private parts and encourage them to talk to us about anything. And that we don't keep secrets in our family.

Thank you for the book link, I'm going to order it on Amazon today.

[speckledfrog]

Jul 22, 2014 8:51:37 GMT -5 nursecramer said:

Jul 22, 2014 8:40:59 GMT -5 frkls said:

also, i know this isn't generally how it happens, but i am a MESS about the public restroom situation. we are driving to CT again next week and i KNOW he is nearly 8 and too old to go in the women's restroom with me and he really wants to be "big" and go to the men's restroom. every time i steer him into the women's restroom in a gas station or truck stop, i feel stellas rolling her eyes. the thought of somebody grabbing him in the mens room with me standing outside just makes me ill.

I read a suggestion in an Ann Landers column years ago... have your kid whistle or sing while they go into the bathroom, with the understanding that if they stop whistling or singing it's a signal to you that something is wrong and you're coming in.

I'm sure this is good in theory.  I cannot imagine my kid would do that.  He's very much a "don't look at me" kind of guy.

[jlt19]

I read a blog once and two things stuck out to me:

1. We should teach them the proper names for body parts (vagina is ok!!!) so if they ever start calling their private parts something "cute" it may be a sign.

2. We should teach them about "tricky" adults vs. stranger danger. Tell them an adult will never ask a child alone for help. And that if they ever get lost to look for a mom with kids to ask for help. (This is more about kidnapping vs. abuse, but still helpful).

I also think in addition to telling the kids they can tell us anything, somehow it needs to come across that even if they tell, everyone will be safe. I think that's adults biggest scare tactic. "If you tell, I'll hurt your mom".


My nephew was assaulted by his cousin (other side of family) when he was 6 and the cousin was 12. They were playing in a bedroom with both sets of parents in the house. He told his mom and dad later that day. Unfortunately it was handled HORRIBLY and all three of my nephews were still allowed to be alone with their cousin, so I have no idea if the abuse happened again or to another one of them and then they never told. I'm sure I'll be called a victim blamer, but for that reason I will never let my kids be alone with my nephews. Not worth the risk, IMO.

[Yankees21]

mekiakoo, not flameful at all- that's such a hard situation. And of course E's safety is your top priority.

It's so hard as a parent to want to protect your kids from everything and knowing it's not always possible...these are all great suggestions.

[Deleted]

Jul 22, 2014 8:49:25 GMT -5 ginandjucie24 said:

Jul 22, 2014 8:41:01 GMT -5 @lazerus24 said:

I also use the correct terms for private parts - the speaker stressed that so so much.

We use the proper terms for private parts, starting from day one. Did the speaker say why it is so important to do so?

Because if you use "cutesy" names it makes it harder to identify if something actually happened to the child when the are telling you about it - also because it makes the private areas less "serious".

[karmasabiotch]

I just want to add that in the years that I have been working/volunteering in this area one of the biggest changes I've seen happen has been to change the language we use from good/bad touches to ok/not ok touches because many kids would get confused because what they thought what should have been a bad touch could feel good. It was easier for them to understand ok and not ok. It was more precise.

[Deleted]

Jul 22, 2014 9:05:23 GMT -5 frkls said:

Jul 22, 2014 8:55:02 GMT -5 jlt19 said:

I read a blog once and two things stuck out to me:

1. We should teach them the proper names for body parts (vagina is ok!!!) so if they ever start calling their private parts something "cute" it may be a sign.

2. We should teach them about "tricky" adults vs. stranger danger. Tell them an adult will never ask a child alone for help. And that if they ever get lost to look for a mom with kids to ask for help. (This is more about kidnapping vs. abuse, but still helpful).

I also think in addition to telling the kids they can tell us anything, somehow it needs to come across that even if they tell, everyone will be safe. I think that's adults biggest scare tactic. "If you tell, I'll hurt your mom".


My nephew was assaulted by his cousin (other side of family) when he was 6 and the cousin was 12. They were playing in a bedroom with both sets of parents in the house. He told his mom and dad later that day. Unfortunately it was handled HORRIBLY and all three of my nephews were still allowed to be alone with their cousin, so I have no idea if the abuse happened again or to another one of them and then they never told. I'm sure I'll be called a victim blamer, but for that reason I will never let my kids be alone with my nephews. Not worth the risk, IMO.

we do the "find a mom" thing, too. i love that.  because of church, my kids will ALWAYS be approached by well-meaning adults they dont know.  if any of those adults ever says, "your mom asked me to pick you up from school" or "your mom was in a wreck and told me to pick you up and bring you to her," jonah knows to ask for the secret password which will be provided to any adult who is actually supposed to pick him up.

This is brilliant and we will do it too.

[calledout]

I haven't been stressing this stuff enough with my sons, so this is a good reminder. I also wanted to add that my mom did the password thing with me when I was 7 or 8 and I remember feeling so good about it. Like the scariness that someone might approach me someday was mitigated b/c we had a "plan" and i would know what to do. Just thought I'd throw that out there in case anyone was wondering whether talking about these issues to kids would scare them.

[amberlyrose]

Jul 22, 2014 9:41:14 GMT -5 calledout said:

I haven't been stressing this stuff enough with my sons, so this is a good reminder. I also wanted to add that my mom did the password thing with me when I was 7 or 8 and I remember feeling so good about it. Like the scariness that someone might approach me someday was mitigated b/c we had a "plan" and i would know what to do. Just thought I'd throw that out there in case anyone was wondering whether talking about these issues to kids would scare them.

We had a password, too. We also had a "list" of people that would pick us up from kinder (grandparents or 2 aunts) and if any other relative tried to pick us up, we were to tell them that we had to call dad at work first. My mom didn't trust two of my uncles, so she made it very clear which family we could go with. 

[shell24]

Every time my kids have a well visit our doctor brings it up too. She says that no one can touch them unless they have mommy and daddy's permission, and makes sure to ask us, and the child, before she starts her exam. I reinforce at home that just because someone says they are a doctor they don't get the automatic right to put their hands on them. I don't want some creep saying he's a doctor so the kids think it's ok.

[Deleted]

Jul 22, 2014 8:42:01 GMT -5 @lazerus24 said:

Jul 22, 2014 8:40:59 GMT -5 frkls said:

also, i know this isn't generally how it happens, but i am a MESS about the public restroom situation. we are driving to CT again next week and i KNOW he is nearly 8 and too old to go in the women's restroom with me and he really wants to be "big" and go to the men's restroom. every time i steer him into the women's restroom in a gas station or truck stop, i feel stellas rolling her eyes. the thought of somebody grabbing him in the mens room with me standing outside just makes me ill.

Me too.


I care not what I am judged about. If it is a single bathroom I let DS go into it and I stand outside the door. If it is multiple stalls - NOPE.

My DS is almost 7 and he always ask to use the restroom by himself and I'm still NOPE, NO way in hell at this point. The only time I've let him go "by himself" was when he was with another friend but if it's just the 2 of us out and he needs to use the restroom he goes into the ladies room with me. And if another woman wants to judge me for it that's on her, I don't care.

[marcyiam]

Jul 22, 2014 8:34:52 GMT -5 @lazerus24 said:

Oh. I even told DS that the doctor can only look at his privates if I am in the room - I think the book says this too??


Anyway - I didn't want him to think that just because someone says they are a doctor he had to allow access to his privates.

Yes - our pedi always makes it a point to talk about it as well. And that even though she is a doctor that she has to ask us for permission before pulling down the pants or the like.

She said it takes the pressure off of the child to have to make the decision if they can just say no - you have to talk to my mommy and daddy. I don't have the words just right but the general concept is there. And we do talk about what areas are private - both on him and others/us etc.

And thank you for the reminder about always being able to come to us about others saying he will get in trouble if he tells.

[Redpoppy]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. DS is at camp and loves his counselors. I have no reason to think any would harm him but then I do. They have rules about counselors not being alone with a child, etc.

I was annoyed at the Y we go to for gymnastics. The Y does women, men, boys, girls, and then a family locker room. The boys and girls had a sign that said kids of the opposite sex could go in with a parent, but then inside it said if they were 5 and up they should not be in there. 5! Their family locker room sucks (single stall, often a wait). There is no way I'd send him into a restroom alone in a public place yet.