Talk me down!

[malibu]

H came home last night. He was in a good mood, put DD to bed, and for once, came to bed at a reasonable time. I can't remember the last time he came to bed before 2 a.m. On the way home from the treatment facility, I told him I wanted to implement a no TV, no electronics after 11 p.m. policy. I think DD's sleep issues have stemmed from the TV being on late into the night, he hadn't been able to sleep prior to going into treatment, the noise kept me awake, and it's a big trigger for me cause if he's out there and I'm in bed, I'm going to assume he is sneaking off after I fall asleep to drink. He agreed, and followed through last night.

My anxiety level is through the roof today. He's home with DD. As far as I know, there are no bottles of alcohol hidden around the house anymore. There is a liquor store a block away (walking distance) that he could get to easily. The old nagging thoughts of coming home to him passed out on the couch while DD runs wild around the house are creeping in. Those old thoughts are hard to push out, even with the coping tools I got from the family program I attended. I'm SO TEMPTED to take a half day and go home early, but I have to talk myself out of that. I'm hoping his parents stop over to see him. I want to ask them to if they hadn't planned it, so I'm trying to talk myself out of that, too. Blah. I knew this was going to be a tough day. His outpatient program doesn't start until Thursday, so I'm just trying to get through today and tomorrow without having a nervous breakdown.

[emjacobs]

It's hard but if you don't try to trust him now, he's going to notice that you don't trust him and don't think that he can change. Could you call him and see if they could meet you for lunch? That's something that would be at a public place, and you could play that off that you haven't been able to have a meal with him in a while.

Are you going to AA meetings? Those might be helpful.

[Deleted]

Deep breaths. Anxiety is totally to be expected today. And he's going to have to earn your trust back, slowly, day after day.

I personally would call his parents just to stop by. Are they supportive of his recovery?

Big big hugs to you.

[lime]

((malibu))

I would ask if they would like to meet up for lunch.

[cville]

Call him. Just call him. Figure out how you feel and what to do next based on how that call goes.

[Deleted]

It's going to take time to trust him again. That's ok. Let him prove himself to you and trust that if he starts drinking again, you'll know it. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[iamali]

I can't even fathom how scared you must be.   (((hugs)))

Ultimately, you can't control his actions, you can only control yours.

[btay]

I think a check in phone call is totally acceptable, and I think he will totally understand your reasons for it as well. It's totally OK to be nervous, I was a hot mess the first day my H was home alone and he wasn't even in charge of anyone but himself so I can't imagine the anxiety. ((())) I promise it gets easier

[flex]

Did you talk to him about your concerns after he came home last night?

[bornbaker]

I really don't think a phone call would hurt.

Can you maybe just call and/or go home for lunch? That way you don't have to take time off work.

[hopecounts]

Trust is earned. He has a long ways to go before he has earned back your blind trust.
It is great that he is following through and sticking to your no electronics rule, it shows that he is doing his part to show you that he is committed to re-earning your trust the rest is going to take time.
For now he is going to have to be patient if you need to call and check in.
Take it day by day and hang in there.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[cinderbella]

Jul 22, 2014 11:03:26 GMT -5 cville said:

Call him. Just call him. Figure out how you feel and what to do next based on how that call goes.

I agree with this. Get a feel for how their day is going and go from there. He has to expect you to be a bit nervous/apprehensive in the beginning - this is his chance to show that he's changed and implement the tools he had learned over the last month.

Massive hugs to you!

[gault]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with checking in.

Lots of hugs.

[ZoeHart]

Do you work close enough to go home for lunch? You could pose it as wanting to get together for lunch as opposed to checking in on him if it makes you/him feel better (although I see nothing g wrong with just checking in either!)

[btay]

I also found it helpful to force positive thoughts on myself. I may not have believed them but I allowed myself to imagine coming home to a happy, sober spouse and it did help ease the worry.

[alzi]

It gets easier. The trust takes time. PM me if you need anything <3

[malibu]

I did text him, mostly letting him know that she had a basket of clean clothes to be put away, and since he'd told me last week he wanted to take her to a playground, I gave him some suggestions of indoor playgrounds he could go to since it's supposed to be grossly hot out today. He texted back right away, so I know he's up. I can't really meet for lunch; I only have a half hour and I'm about 15 miles from home.

He's fully aware that I have no trust right now. We talked about that during our family conference. He knows it's a matter of words + actions that will rebuild trust; he also knows from that same conference, moderated by a counselor, that my boundary is set as if he does this again, it's over. I hope he's able to use the tools he learned in treatment to get past any cravings. He's on an anti-craving medication as well, I know he said during treatment that he never really had any cravings, but I'm guessing the medication has a lot to do with that.

He's happy to be home, his attitude and demeanor are much different (in a good way!), so I know I just need to let my guard down a little and learn to trust as he makes steps, but damn if today isn't tough.

[bbaggins]

I'm glad you shot him a text!

[amberlyrose]

Hugs. He has to know you are going to be anxious but I understand where you don't want him to feel your anxiety. Maybe tonight (not during lunch), you can have a talk with him about it and explain to him that you love him but you also need to feel secure about your kid. Maybe you could send each other goofy photos during the day?

[cville]

Jul 22, 2014 11:27:00 GMT -5 malibu said:

 I know I just need to let my guard down a little and learn to trust as he makes steps, but damn if today isn't tough.

Yes.  You do.  But you don't have to do it perfectly, today.  This is a process for the BOTH of you.  If you're going to sit around riddled with anxiety, it's okay not to let your guard down TODAY. Good luck, and I'm glad it's been more positive so far.

[flex]

So he knows how you feel. That's very good! He knows he's under a microscope and he has to earn your trust. In the meantime, you need to work on "you" and to deal with your very understandable concerns. I hope you make Al Anon meetings and get into counseling (if you haven't already--I can't remember lol)

[malibu]

flex First Al-Anon meeting is Thursday night.

[sparkythelawyer]

Could you call his counselor or whoever you two saw to see what is appropriate here?

[flex]

Jul 22, 2014 11:34:28 GMT -5 malibu said:

flex First Al-Anon meeting is Thursday night.

YAAAY!

[nahoku]

((Malibu)) it's okay to be anxious and I think it's okay to check in too. Instead of calling his parents yourself, could you suggest that he invite them over?

[isabel]

It's perfectly understandable that you don't trust him right now and I would imagine he can appreciate that and knows that you may need some extra reassurance. I see absolutely no problem with a phone call to check in and see how they're doing. It's as much to satisfy you as it is to truly check in. I'm sure it's a little overwhelming for him to be back home on day one.

[MixedBerryJam]

Jul 22, 2014 11:01:20 GMT -5 emjacobs said:

It's hard but if you don't try to trust him now, he's going to notice that you don't trust him and don't think that he can change. Could you call him and see if they could meet you for lunch? That's something that would be at a public place, and you could play that off that you haven't been able to have a meal with him in a while.

Are you going to AA meetings? Those might be helpful.

All this, all this. Plus, this will be the worst day. Tomorrow you'll have a successful today to comfort you; today you only have your own (not unfounded) fears foremost in your head. Hugs all around!