Dealing with the green-eyed monster

[achi]

I know we all deal with it, so how do you cope?

Back story: H and I have been married coming up on 2 years and this is our 4th cycle TTC #1. I had a CP in cycle 2. H's BFF's wife is pregnant with their first and due on hallowe'en. When they told us at 8-ish weeks I nearly lost my shit (thank god they don't live in the same city and it wasn't face to face is all I have to say about that). I was pretty miserable for several days and honestly I was angry at H b/c we weren't TTCing yet (ended up starting the next month, but not at all related to his friends). I know it's kind of irrational, but I assumed that because we got married nearly a year before them that we'd be the first couple to have kids - totally dumb, I know. After they announced H found out that they had been trying since their honeymoon so it would have taken them 6-7 months to get pregnant (I don't know if there were any CPs or losses in that time) so it's not like it was an accident or anything. From time to time she'll post a bump picture or mention something about the baby and it just makes me sad and jealous. I AM happy for them, but I'm having a hard time being happy for them because it only reminds me that I'm not pregnant. I hate this.

Also, this is going to be a P&R because I'm at work and getting pretty busy.

[jessnpaul]

Without going into details, I completely get this. And I feel like a total mean girl about it, which really isn't me. But when you struggle and other people have it so easy, I think it's completely normal to feel this way.

At least that's what I'm telling myself today ;-)

[miamigirl]

I totally feel you.

While I get super happy and excited about my friends getting pregnant, I can't help but wonder why it's taking us so long. It's very frustrating, especially because most of my frieds got pregnant in their first few cycles trying.

This has been getting worse as the cycles go by, I used to be super breezy about this when we first started trying.

[tiptoetulips]

m.today.com/parents/savannah-guthrie-pregnancy-joy-1D79898210

This article has really stuck a cord in my heart. Sorry you're stuggling

[achi]

Thanks ladies, I really am very happy and excited for them but since they're a 5 hour drive away and we don't get to see them very often seeing the bump pics hit home even more I think. Blah..

[kellikans]

I'm right there with you. One of our friends is pregnant and they started trying after we did. I was so depressed/jealous/whatever you want to call it after I found out. I was angry for 2 days. of course I'm happy for them, but why can't it be me? and we try so HARD, too. do OPK's, time when we have sex. they said that they only had sex once that month. why can't I get that lucky?

the jealousy is still there, and probably will be until I get pregnant.

[EllenGriswold]

I completely understand. I had a MC this spring and a couple months later we found out that BIL & SIL are expecting and due the same week we would have been. It kills me. I hate admitting that I'm really bitter but it's true. Right now I'm just avoiding the situation because that's the best I can do. I want to be happy for them, but I'm not just quite there yet.

Other than that, I just try to keep my mind off it by doing stuff with friends who aren't in the baby stage in life yet, or planning trips we couldn't take if I was pregnant. Don't feel bad if you have to take a break from certain people or block other on Facebook, etc. Sometimes it's just better for your mental health.

[awick14]

((hugs)) TTC is so tough. My last pregnancy was the result of trying for 2 years and I had one loss in the process. A coworker of mine started trying the same cycle I got my BFP and she got hers in her first cycle. Which wasn't hard to take at first but I was a huge green eyed monster when I found out I had a mc. It just isn't fair that after trying for so long others have it so easy. (I didn't help that she was holding her pregnancy over me for a while.)

((hugs)) again. I hope your time comes soon.

[achi]

Jul 22, 2014 22:53:17 GMT -5 awick14 said:

((hugs)) TTC is so tough. My last pregnancy was the result of trying for 2 years and I had one loss in the process. A coworker of mine started trying the same cycle I got my BFP and she got hers in her first cycle. Which wasn't hard to take at first but I was a huge green eyed monster when I found out I had a mc. It just isn't fair that after trying for so long others have it so easy. (I didn't help that she was holding her pregnancy over me for a while.)

((hugs)) again. I hope your time comes soon.

Thanks! How are things going?

[awick14]

Jul 23, 2014 7:31:50 GMT -5 achi said:

Jul 22, 2014 22:53:17 GMT -5 awick14 said:

((hugs)) TTC is so tough. My last pregnancy was the result of trying for 2 years and I had one loss in the process. A coworker of mine started trying the same cycle I got my BFP and she got hers in her first cycle. Which wasn't hard to take at first but I was a huge green eyed monster when I found out I had a mc. It just isn't fair that after trying for so long others have it so easy. (I didn't help that she was holding her pregnancy over me for a while.)

((hugs)) again. I hope your time comes soon.

Thanks! How are things going?

You got a PM.

[shauni27]

I have to agree with mofongo here, but I do also completely understand where you are coming from. It IS hard when other people all around are getting pregnant and you are not. But 4 months is not long at all to have been trying. At 4 months, I was a wee bit jealous, but now that I am 10 months it seems a lot worse. I can only imagine I will get more and more bitter or jealous (both?!) the more I keep trying and having no results.

Not to say that your reaction is not normal. It is, jealousy is very often a natural feeling that you cannot control, and when you are trying for something that is so out of your control (pregnancy) seeing other people achieve that (especially with very little effort!) is hard to deal with.

Hugs.

[achi]

I get what you're saying mofongo and shauni27 but I'm a very type A personality and I have a hard time with things that are out of my control. This is much harder (mentally) then I ever expected it to be and I've been surprised at my reaction.

Just because I haven't been trying as long as some other people on this board doesn't mean I shouldn't be frustrated/upset/whatever.

[luv2rn4fun]

I have to agree with mofongo here too. I saw this post yesterday and wanted to say something but have stayed quiet. I too am a huge Type A personality and have all my plans and timing for x,y,z including TTC. We started TTC in July 2012, have had two losses, went through lots of testing after the second loss, and are finally pregnant with what looks like our take home baby. I went in with somewhat realistic expectations that we would be pregnant around 6 months. That was pretty close to what happened but then we had a loss that was really really hard and devastating. Only to be repeated a second time (again took another 6-7 months to get pg). Took almost as long the third time.

I honestly didn't have the bitter, jealousy feelings until after my loss and even then it was only really bad (to the extent that you posted) after my second loss. I really really hope that your journey is much different than mine, and many others on this board. Being this bitter, upset, and jealous this early in the game is indeed a bit of an overreaction...yes, be sad and have a pity party but then get over it and be there for your friend (you never know what they went through as well...and like you said, they did try longer than you have right now).

It takes many couples a long time to get pregnant...85% within 1 year will be pregnant...that's the norm. Hang in there, keep positive, and do what you can each month to make it happen. If it doesn't happen in another 4 months or so then seek some answers. Wishing you all the best!

[achi]

Oh FFS I'm not saying that us being married longer has anything to do with it so don't freaking jump down my throat/roll your eyes/whatever. I said I had assumed that we would be first because we were married earlier and we had had several conversations with the couple about that we had both planned to wait for awhile after getting married before TTCing. So by the math that potentially could have been true. I FULLY recognize that each couple does things when it's right for them no matter what has been said previously. I simply said I was surprised by their pregnancy announcement and surprised by my reaction to it.

I've now had a chemical pregnancy so it's not like it's been the smoothest process for us thus far. This whole "YOU'RE OVER REACTING BECAUSE I'VE BEEN AT IT LONGER/HARD A HARDER TIME" crap is just another form of mommy wars. So much for support. So thanks for that.

[HoneySpider]

Jul 23, 2014 19:04:10 GMT -5 achi said:

Oh FFS I'm not saying that us being married longer has anything to do with it so don't freaking jump down my throat/roll your eyes/whatever. I said I had assumed that we would be first because we were married earlier and we had had several conversations with the couple about that we had both planned to wait for awhile after getting married before TTCing. So by the math that potentially could have been true. I FULLY recognize that each couple does things when it's right for them no matter what has been said previously. I simply said I was surprised by their pregnancy announcement and surprised by my reaction to it.

I've now had a chemical pregnancy so it's not like it's been the smoothest process for us thus far. This whole "YOU'RE OVER REACTING BECAUSE I'VE BEEN AT IT LONGER/HARD A HARDER TIME" crap is just another form of mommy wars. So much for support. So thanks for that.

No one said that. The point is, TTC can often be a long process (and for some, a VERY long process) and you need to find ways to deal with it. Yes, you're going to have moments of disappointment or frustration or jealousy or whatever and that's normal, but you need to remember that you can't control it, you can't compare yourself to others, you can't freak out every month it doesn't happen when it's early on. You'll completely stress yourself out. 

Maybe it won't take you a long time to get your next BFP but maybe it will - you need to think about it as being in it for the long haul, not "why hasn't it happened yet?!" 

I'm not saying this to be all "I've been trying longer, woe is me" and I don't think anyone else's responses were in that vein either, rather we speak from experience.

[achi]

Jul 23, 2014 19:47:58 GMT -5 HoneySpider said:

Jul 23, 2014 19:04:10 GMT -5 achi said:

Oh FFS I'm not saying that us being married longer has anything to do with it so don't freaking jump down my throat/roll your eyes/whatever. I said I had assumed that we would be first because we were married earlier and we had had several conversations with the couple about that we had both planned to wait for awhile after getting married before TTCing. So by the math that potentially could have been true. I FULLY recognize that each couple does things when it's right for them no matter what has been said previously. I simply said I was surprised by their pregnancy announcement and surprised by my reaction to it.

I've now had a chemical pregnancy so it's not like it's been the smoothest process for us thus far. This whole "YOU'RE OVER REACTING BECAUSE I'VE BEEN AT IT LONGER/HARD A HARDER TIME" crap is just another form of mommy wars. So much for support. So thanks for that.

No one said that. The point is, TTC can often be a long process (and for some, a VERY long process) and you need to find ways to deal with it. Yes, you're going to have moments of disappointment or frustration or jealousy or whatever and that's normal, but you need to remember that you can't control it, you can't compare yourself to others, you can't freak out every month it doesn't happen when it's early on. You'll completely stress yourself out. 

Maybe it won't take you a long time to get your next BFP but maybe it will - you need to think about it as being in it for the long haul, not "why hasn't it happened yet?!" 

I'm not saying this to be all "I've been trying longer, woe is me" and I don't think anyone else's responses were in that vein either, rather we speak from experience.

I appreciate what you're saying/where you're coming from. In general I've been much more relaxed since my CP, but seeing the bump picture that my friend's wife posted put me in a funk the other day and I was looking for ways that other people cope/get through the mindfuck that is TTC, not being told that I'm over reacting or that I shouldn't feel a certain way because others have had it harder which is what I was getting from some people. It wasn't called for and really wasn't helpful. I'm not expecting this board to be a constant place of rainbows and sunshine, but turning everyone's TTC journey into a competition of who has it worse is really not productive. 

[achi]

Jul 23, 2014 20:33:51 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Jul 23, 2014 19:53:07 GMT -5 achi said:

I appreciate what you're saying/where you're coming from. In general I've been much more relaxed since my CP, but seeing the bump picture that my friend's wife posted put me in a funk the other day and I was looking for ways that other people cope/get through the mindfuck that is TTC, not being told that I'm over reacting or that I shouldn't feel a certain way because others have had it harder which is what I was getting from some people. It wasn't called for and really wasn't helpful. I'm not expecting this board to be a constant place of rainbows and sunshine, but turning everyone's TTC journey into a competition of who has it worse is really not productive. 

We are trying to give you some perspective. Right now you are early on in the ttc process, enjoy it, relax and try to have fun. I am sorry for your CP, that's not easy. 

It's not a competition, but the truth is some people have tttc and have been at it for years. I truly hope you get your bfp very soon.

Thank you.

[kellsbelles]

You are not alone. Everyone says you should be happy for someone else but the reality is that we are all going through our own struggles and happiness isn't the first emotion that comes to my mind when even close friends get pregnant. Especially at first I get jealous and bitter but then calm down over time. Your emotions are your emotions and its ok to feel that way-its normal. I wouldn't expect my friends who may be having trouble TTC to jump up and down when I get pregnant bc I get that other side of it. But I also would want my friends to be happy for me when that time comes and share my joy so I try to do the same for them.

[thoseareradishes]

Jul 22, 2014 11:59:35 GMT -5 achi said:

I know it's kind of irrational, but I assumed that because we got married nearly a year before them that we'd be the first couple to have kids - totally dumb, I know.

You made it into a competition here.  You were pissed that she got KU'ed before you.

Look, it can take several tries before you hit the jackpot, and you have tried three times so far.  It's totally normal to be disappointed, but you've got to find a way to buffer these strong feelings in case it does take you a while, or else you are going to be miserable.   We do a lot of supporting here, but sometimes someone needs a reality check.

[whiskeyandwine]

2.5 years of trying and I can say with honesty that I am thrilled for my friends that get pregnant. There is a part of me that internalizes and might be a little sad/jealous, but my first reaction is happiness.

OP - ttc is hard. Take a deep breath, and give your friends the happiness you would want them to give you when your day comes. You will be much happier in the long run, I promise.

Sent from my SM-G900V using proboards

[achi]

Jul 23, 2014 21:01:40 GMT -5 whiskeyandwine said:

2.5 years of trying and I can say with honesty that I am thrilled for my friends that get pregnant. There is a part of me that internalizes and might be a little sad/jealous, but my first reaction is happiness.

OP - ttc is hard. Take a deep breath, and give your friends the happiness you would want them to give you when your day comes. You will be much happier in the long run, I promise.

Sent from my SM-G900V using proboards

I AM happy for them, I really am (even so this thread probably makes it seem like I'm not). They live 5+ hours away so because we only see them 2-3 times a year and have not seem them since the announcement it makes the bump/ultrasound photos a bit more jarring because honestly sometimes I forget about it since we're so far away. 

I am trying to let go of things, it's just hard for me to do that. 

[bk1]

OP - I am truly sorry for your CP and I hope that you have much better luck in TTC in the future.

It really is rough. I have been very lucky to get pregnant in the first few cycles of trying everytime, but I have also been trying since March 2013 and am now on my third pg after two m/cs. My DH and I have been married over 4 years now. I also have a BFF that just had her baby this week and she was able to get pg on her second cycle. They have been married under 2 years.



Timing is so different for everyone. TTC is a complete mindfuck and is hard to deal with. I hope you can see that it is a very odd reaction to feel so harshly towards friends for being pregnant when you weren't even trying yet. Being married for X amount of time does not mean you should be pg first. Some couples (like me and my DH) wanted some time just the two of us and had goals we wanted to accomplish first where as other couples (like my BFF and her H) wanted to start trying sooner. Just because you decide you are ready for it does not mean it is going to happen right away. 

I do understand the jealousy. When you don't know the whole story (how long someone has been trying, what the couple has gone through in the process, etc.) you might just try to hold back some judgement. I know the "I want it and I want it now!" feeling, but there is just so much more to it. Have fun with it and just try to relax a little. Hopefully it will come easy for you. 

[shauni27]

I really did not mean to sound unsupportive, as I too deal with jealousy mixed of course with happiness for my friends when they announce a baby. I really did not mean to do that. I also am type A, and anyone telling you (general you) that you should not have certain emotions and feelings about something really doesn't do you (generally you)any good--it cannot change your emotions, you know?

I was just trying to point out that TTC is HARD and stressful and clearly takes a lot of work and time. It sounded like you were not even technically trying when they announced their pregnancy, but of course that does not make it any less hard now that you are trying and see bump pictures. But 4 months is so early on, that is all I was trying to say.

[Deleted]

TTC and Pregnancy are much harder than anyone let on.

Well, I probably should have been clued in by one if my sisters. I probably owe her a big hug and a spa treatment;)

It took us 8 months. I was somewhat prepared for that and that waiting wasn't actually too bad. But now that I have a BFP, I have had some complications and am worried every day I'll have a miscarriage. I feel like the last 4 weeks have been more stressful than the previous 8 months. And it's tough having everyone around me having babies.

I wish that I had any good advice for how to calm down. I've found talking with friends helpful, especially those I knew who have struggled in some way.

I have a friend who is very kind to me and said that our feelings are our feelings and it's okay to have them even when others might have a tougher load to bear. It's okay to feel stressed, just don't get consumed by it. Try to distract yourself with something fun in the meantime.

Hang in there.

[bcv513]

I'm sorry about your CP and I'm sorry to hear you're struggling.

I don't get jealous of people who get pregnant before me or have an easy time TTC. I do feel a little bad for myself and my H that the TTC decision was taken out of our hands. We wanted to start TTC right after we got married. I got diagnosed with Crohn's about six months before our wedding, and we were told it would be dangerous to TTC until I was in remission. It took almost a year to get into remission. We TTC one month before my blood tests showed my liver was going crazy from the Crohn's meds. I had to stop taking the meds and stop TTC. We finally got the okay just this past March. I do feel a little self-pity when I hear from friends that they just get to decide when they're ready and stop using birth control. I feel like H and I kind of missed that part of the process. We weren't ready until three doctors gave us the okay.

Sorry for babbling. I hope you get good news soon!

[erbear]

Jul 23, 2014 16:02:36 GMT -5 achi said:

I get what you're saying mofongo and shauni27 but I'm a very type A personality and I have a hard time with things that are out of my control. This is much harder (mentally) then I ever expected it to be and I've been surprised at my reaction.

Just because I haven't been trying as long as some other people on this board doesn't mean I shouldn't be frustrated/upset/whatever.

But it's not that you haven't been trying as long as some people on this board. It's that you haven't been trying that long, period. I get it. It's frustrating because you always think you should get pregnant on the first or second try, but realistically, that's not how it is for most people. 6-12 months is the norm.

I get you. Be frustrated all you want. I remember feeling jealous when other people were getting pregnant and I wasn't. But Type A or not, this is not a long time to be trying.

I hope it happens for you soon