advice re: step-parenting

[jeekerbeeker]

ok, so i am not technically a step parent, however, i am with N and his son every other weekend.  he has 50% custody so when i move there i will be spending even more time with his kiddo. he's a very well behaved and sweet kid but he's 5 and there have been a couple of instances where he has pushed back when i've asked him to do something so i know he is testing me to see what he can get away with.  i have always let N handle these things because it doesn't feel right getting onto him or disciplining him.

however, since i will be living there in a few months N wants me to start taking more initiative with reprimanding him when needed and coming up with my own way to handle situations.  he is 100% on board with it and wants his son to know that he needs to respect me just like a parent or any other adult.

i'm looking for advice on how to handle a 5 year old.  what are proper punishments if i get to that point?  what kind of techniques work best when talking to them?  any helpful books?  this is all very new to me and i want to go about it the right way.

tia

[ECB]

Need examples of what he does.

But - I was going to say that you shouldn't be looking at this as "i'm not a stepparent". If the child pushes back now, start responding now. Not in a few months. You're around the child a lot, he needs to learn to respect you as an ADULT. Not as a parent. Very similar, yes, but yet also different.

I guess the line to me - you need to be ablt to say "no" and redirect. It's still his dad's place, though, to lay down actual discipline.

I'm sitting in house full of kids and adults - I WANT all the other adults to tell DS "no" or whatever they need to i the moment because he needs to understand that he needs to listen to ALL adults. Not just mom and dad.

[Bernadine]

I'm reading Stepmonster now and enjoying it. I also like A Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife (or something like that).

Honestly, I think it's a really individual thing, where you guys just have to figure out what works for you. DSS is 6 now. I had originally (when h and I were engaged) felt that I should step up and take on more of a parenting role, and h wanted me to do that, but that wasn't really working for us. Actually, it wasn't working for me, and so I've stepped back a little. I don't discipline him, unless he is directly disrespectful to me and h is not around to do/say something. If DSS is doing something that bothers me, I talk to h about it when DSS isn't around, and h addresses it with him. Oh, and I will say "stop jumping on the sofa please" or stuff like that. But time-outs are given by h.

It's really tricky. Just make sure that you two are always communicating how you are feeling, and your expectations of each other. Which may not be the same.

[Deleted]

I love 1-2-3 Magic for effective discipline without shouting etc.

I started feeling better about step parenting when I started doing mild discipline (not tolerating back talk etc). I felt like a weenie running to tell on the kids to my H, or taking their crap. Although I have the power to take away privilages, I haven't used it yet. If it gets to that point I threaten to involve their dad. He's stricter than me so that's effective.

[hbear]

I was very young when I had a step mom. As I got older these things were discussed. One of the best pieces of advice my step mom would give for a kid that age (whose mom is still in the picture) is to act like his aunt. He doesn't need another mom. An aunt can be fun but you still respect your aunts, right? Don't try so hard to be a disciplinarian. I'm sure as he gets older and more "used to you" your role will expand.

And my step mom and I have a wonderful relationship now, FWIW. She also made an effor t to be friendly with my mom when they were around each other. It meant a lot to me as a kid.

[jeekerbeeker]

thank you for your responses; I appreciate it.  ECB i agree with you.  i do think it should be N's job to do the disciplining but i guess he wants me to be more authoritative and have a plan in the event that he isn't around to handle a situation.

example: a couple of weeks ago we had a party to go to.  nate was out in the pool with his friend and i was trying to round them up to come in and get ready.  they were both soaking wet so i told them to get out of their swimsuits on the patio and wrap up in a towel.  when his friend took his swimsuit off he kicked it at me which of course got me wet.  i said, that was not necessary and you don't need to do that again.  it's not nice.  nate was standing right there and heard me yet when he took his suit off he kicked HIS at me.  i told him, hey i just said not to do that.  you need to pick your suit up now.  he just looked at me and went inside. 

i told N about it after the fact and he got onto him later after i had left.  he was mad because he considered it disrespectful the next time i was there he had him apologize to me for not listening.

[jeekerbeeker]

Jul 24, 2014 8:09:53 GMT -5 hbear said:

I was very young when I had a step mom. As I got older these things were discussed. One of the best pieces of advice my step mom would give for a kid that age (whose mom is still in the picture) is to act like his aunt. He doesn't need another mom. An aunt can be fun but you still respect your aunts, right? Don't try so hard to be a disciplinarian. I'm sure as he gets older and more "used to you" your role will expand.

And my step mom and I have a wonderful relationship now, FWIW. She also made an effor t to be friendly with my mom when they were around each other. It meant a lot to me as a kid.

this is the same type of relationship i have with my stepfather and it's great and exactly what i want with nate.  i am not looking to replace his mother.  he has one and luckily her and i have a good relationship.  we aren't around each other often but when we are we will chat.  i think it's important for him to see us getting along.  i want to have a united front.

[Bernadine]

Jul 24, 2014 8:09:53 GMT -5 hbear said:

I was very young when I had a step mom. As I got older these things were discussed. One of the best pieces of advice my step mom would give for a kid that age (whose mom is still in the picture) is to act like his aunt. He doesn't need another mom. An aunt can be fun but you still respect your aunts, right? Don't try so hard to be a disciplinarian. I'm sure as he gets older and more "used to you" your role will expand.

And my step mom and I have a wonderful relationship now, FWIW. She also made an effor t to be friendly with my mom when they were around each other. It meant a lot to me as a kid.

This is what I'm working on now, acting more like an aunt.  So like, yes, I'd tell my neices or nephews to stop jumping on the sofa, pick up their toys, etc.  But the real discipline is for the parent.

Also, I do try to make DSS feel comfortable about talking about his mother.  She works at the same place as me, so I try to use that as a connection sometimes.

[CurlyQ284]

I'm a stepmom but I don't feel qualified to give advice. I'm essentially in a pitch black room room trying to find the wall and bumping into things in the process. Its so varied depending on the kids, the SO, and the ex. I would just take it slow and kind of grow into your role as you learn where the boundaries are.

[jeekerbeeker]

Jul 24, 2014 8:22:21 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

I'm a stepmom but I don't feel qualified to give advice. I'm essentially in a pitch black room room trying to find the wall and bumping into things in the process. Its so varied depending on the kids, the SO, and the ex. I would just take it slow and kind of grow into your role as you learn where the boundaries are.

this is exactly how i feel right now.  his mom and N have had their issues but she respects our relationship and the relationship i have with their son.  she has told me that he talks about me at her house a lot and told her that he loved me.  she said that at first it hurt to hear it but then she realized that it's a good thing and wants him and i have to have a good relationship.  it's definitely nice to hear the support from her end.

[lilybug]

I'm new to this, too, but I'm the parent, trying to forge this new territory with my two boys and my BF.

I think it's important for you to follow his dad's lead in terms of discipline. For example, if his dad gives him a warning and then a time out if it continues, I wouldn't jump straight to time out, or give three warnings. Consistency is important, as is a united front. Watch how his dad handles discipline, or flat out ask him - "what would you do if he did ___?"

Of course it's important that you have authority, but I feel like the kiddo is more likely to be resentful if you have a whole new discipline system/pattern for him to learn. My BF, on his own, is much stricter than I am in many aspects. But with my kids, he brings it down to my level and doesn't expect anything out of them that I wouldn't. I really appreciate that.

[joenali]

I totally disagree that it's "dad's place to discipline". What do you do, wait until dad comes home to say something and then it's too late?

Do you need to work together? Yes! But you and dad can both discipline and should or the kid is never going to take you seriously.

[cc]

I was always told by therapists that the bio parent should do the actual punishing, but the step-parent can enforce it (like make sure the kid doesn't watch TV when the bio parent isn't around if losing TV was the punishment). I can't remember all of the reasons why, but something like the child could build up resentment towards the SP and view them as the enemy ("you are not my mom/dad", for example) Also, I am sure it can depend on the individual situation as well.

I know I had some major issues with my relationship with my stepfather when my mom and him got married and he started trying to set new rules and discipline. Then again, I was almost out of high school at that point, and am sure that attributed to my feelings. Our relationship is great now, though.

I think maybe the dad should lay the down the rules, and if the kid doesn't adhere to them when he isn't around and you are, you tell the dad and have him give the punishment. At least for now while you build a relationship with him.

[karmasabiotch]

I've been a step parent for almost 10 years and I have learned that I leave the discipline to my H and I'm my SS friend. We get along amazing and it's been much more effective than if I tried to be a parent. He listens to me and respects me.